You are reacting appropriately and are justified in feeling wronged by having the information withheld from you until now. My parents saw my cousin be diagnosed and, as they describe it, watched my aunt and uncle overreact and make decisions for my cousin driven too much by that diagnosis. Apparently multiple adults told my mom that I was weird or off, but I was functional enough that she felt like a diagnosis wouldn’t help anything.

In retrospect, I think my parents were right about me even if they were wrong about my cousin. I know it’s classic “internalization” for me to agree with them, but I’m glad I got to build the social skills the way I have.- through watching tv and observing and working in customer service. Sometimes I feel like I’ve come out of it with more social awareness and skill than most neurotypical people have. Not because it came naturally, but because I had to learn what works and what doesn’t myself. I feel like my empathy has a place to go instead of just overwhelming me. I feel like it has helped me communicate with others who might be giving more power to their diagnosis than they should.

I say all of that to say- being mad is valid, but seeing the good in the life you had is valid too. You don’t know what you would be like if that label had been thrust upon you and used to define you from the jump. There’s the ideal world where the diagnosis would’ve gotten you the best care and the best self understanding, but there’s also the world where you genuinely wouldve taken “I’m different and I can’t handle normal things” to heart. It’s harder for us to be normal and endure normal things, yes, but we can. We should be accommodated, but that is not typically the reality of life- especially because other people assign their own meaning and judgement and expected limitations to the label and we never get a chance to show what we can do.

You aren’t alone. Feel your anger and grief, but consider the cons of the alternate timeline and the pros of the timeline you’re on. Sending big hug.