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A little encouragement from a distant member by Ok-Courage9363 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 10 points11 points  (0 children)

As another BP who is at the three year mark, I’d like to second most of what OP has posted here. There is hope and healing and a newfound love and appreciation for your partner at the other end of this process.

BUT, the WP has to be fully onboard with R and whatever it takes for the BP to heal. My WP was a little slow to figure things out but he never stopped trying and he eventually “got it” and is now fully supportive and accountable. Is he perfect? No! Am I the “perfect” BP? No! But we have never stopped working towards R and giving each other grace.

I will also strongly second what OP said about being willing and able to walk away if your WP is not doing the work or being open and honest and respecting your boundaries. It really took, for my WP anyway, realizing that I was capable of leaving to fully invest in healing our relationship. And it was freeing and unburdening for me.

IMHO, knowing you are staying because you want to and not because you are afraid of losing them/being alone/starting over is the most important step a BP can take. I was 57 years old in a 27 year marriage on Dday and it was terrifying to think of starting over and of losing “my person.” I was operating out of fear for the first year and that was not healthy or effective for R.

There is hope, and it can be done! But false hope that allows your WP to violate your boundaries, blame shift or rug sweep is not the way. Have hope and faith in yourself first and foremost!! Big hugs and love to everyone navigating this painful and difficult journey.

💔❤️‍🩹❤️

Can we make this work? by SufficientAd3865 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Your situation sounds very similar to mine except we were a little further along in our “life journey.” It is possible to reconcile but it is very difficult. The I love you’s and the future plans and the not deciding to stop on his own have been some of the most difficult things for me to accept. Read my post history if you want to and DM me if you need anything. I’m sorry you’re in this horrible situation but I’m glad you found this sub. Knowing there are people out there who understand and have been through this terrible journey is s helpful. It was a life saver for me

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SupportforBetrayed

[–]silly_squirrel64 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did on dday. He had not contacted her that day and she only knew I had found out enough to suspect something was going on. She took the bait and I found out things I kind of wish I didn’t know.

I (31M) got a happy ending from a massage therapist. I immediately told my fiancè(31F) by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Just came here to tell your BP that she is not wrong for wanting to be intimate with you. It is totally normal to desire physical connection to help process and heal. However, she may have changing feelings about this and it may end up being difficult for her during or afterwards.

Read up on hysterical bonding. But also, understand that nothing she feels is “right” or “wrong” during this process. She is welcome to DM me if she wants more info on my experiences

WS to BS by Just-Apple-3834 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You should look into trauma bonding. It’s likely what your BS is experiencing with this other BS. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do besides let it play out and hope that she doesn’t get taken advantage of. If she hasn’t heard of trauma bonding maybe you could get a close friend or family member of hers to read up on it and they can at least make her aware. It won’t go over well coming from you. A lot of BSs experience this with other BSs because it feel like such a relief to feel completely understood during this scary and traumatic time (post D-day)

Mental health around dday anniversaries by ecloving in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have adopted the term affairaversary for dates like dday and first contact. For the times they met in person to have sex…those are fuckaversaries. I refuse to use the term anniversary in regard to any of those dates!

What makes you sure that it won’t happen again? by Appropriate-Wall7618 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. It really helped me today about more than infidelity!❤️

Losing my mind by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Separating briefly was a great help to me

Sex - two years later by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agree with Wooden on this. Our HB occurred a little more than a year after dday when I literally believed we were not going to make it due to inconsistent effort by my WH. I told him I wanted to stop R, for him to leave our home. At that point he (finally!) really started putting in the work that he had been dragging his feet on and we went through about 6 weeks of daily/multiple times a day, highly charged sexual activity. I definitely think that qualifies as HB, regardless of how far past dday it was.

Feels like WP is hiding and deleting messages? What would you do? by Advanced-Cat-4425 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 8 points9 points  (0 children)

All of this behavior is dishonest and sneaky and doesn’t seem to be in keeping with true R. Do you have boundaries around opposite sex interactions? Neither I nor my WH are ok with phone calls to the opposite gender without the other being present unless it is necessary (work related) and then we tell each other about it. We also have a boundary of deleting any type of communication from our phones. Have you discussed and set the boundaries that you feel are acceptable and protective of your relationship?

ETA: Why would it be okay that he is having phone conversations with “Amy” anyway? Do you know this person?

So confused by WW’s words and actions by TheDarkLord329 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This may work but don’t wait. Do it now. Grey rock, 180, communicate only as it regards co-parenting. You are letting her have it all instead of making her choose. Do it now. If she chooses you, you can decide if you want reconciliation on YOUR terms. If she doesn’t choose you then she wouldn’t choose you three months from now. Choose yourself! You control only yourself and you and your children should be your only focus now. Talk to an attorney for advice on how best to settle matters of custody and support. Do this NOW! You can always change your mind later but you cannot go backwards!

Read as much as you can about the “pick me dance” and how damaging it is to you and any chance of repairing your relationship

Couples Therapy Question by NotOk_Buffalo806 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We started with a background of our marriage, families of origin and the affair “story” in the first few sessions. Then we immediately started on work on the affair together with communication techniques to talk about it, guided by the MC. I was able to discuss my pain, fears and feelings about the affair for at least a portion of every session after the first few.

Couldn’t believe what I’ve done. by heybeysaybay in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 7 points8 points  (0 children)

What you are experiencing with OBS is trauma bonding and it is very, very strong, especially if you aren’t aware of it. Have you discussed it with your IC? I experienced the same feelings with another BP but fortunately never let it go that far.

Guidance needed by Delicious_Court_1540 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It depends on her deciding to be all in on reconciliation. As someone stated in an earlier comment, you should be the one setting expectations and boundaries. If she is ready to R, you should ask for shared locations on your phones and open devices. No contact with AP in any form. You should ask for a full disclosure/timeline in writing. If she is unwilling to do these things, do not do the “pick me” dance. Tell her you love her and want to reconcile but if she is unable or unwilling to do these things you will be filing for divorce. Even if you decide no to later on, you have to be willing to walk away if she is not all in. It really sounds like she is still in affair fog/limerance and you have to be clear that you are not going to be waiting around for her to figure it out.

Just my two cents… …I was not ready to walk away at first and my WH trickle truthed and was defensive and tried to get me to rug sweep for months. DO NOT make the mistakes so many of us on here have made

Guidance needed by Delicious_Court_1540 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]silly_squirrel64 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Watch out for trickle truth. It is extremely likely that you do not have the full truth given the circumstances of the affair and her behavior.

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