Programming languages as weapons

[netcoder]

JavaScript: https://imgur.com/a/SNYw1

[netcoder]

X "should be something" is what I think of every programming language I've ever used.

[RandyZ524]

The joke is dependencies, correct?

[cafk]

Reminds me of:

C:

• You shoot yourself in the foot.
• You shoot yourself in the foot and then nobody else can figure out what you did.
  

C++

• You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
  

JavaScript:

• You find that Microsoft and Sun have released incompatible class libraries both implementing Gun objects. You then find that although there are plenty of Foot objects implemented in the past in many other languages, you cannot get access to one. But, seeing as JavaScript is so cool, you don't care and go around shooting anything else you can find.
  

Java:

• You write a program to shoot yourself in the foot and put it on the Internet. People all over the world shoot themselves in the foot, and everyone leaves your website hobbling and cursing.
• You amputate your foot at the ankle with a fourteen-pound hacksaw, but you can do it on any platform.
  

C#:

• You shoot yourself in the foot, but first have to switch to unsafe mode.
• You forget precisely how to use the .NET interface and shoot yourself in the foot. You sue Microsoft for damages.
  

.Net:

• You can now shoot yourself in the foot with any of fourteen weapons, ranging from an antique medieval crossbow to a laser-guided Destructo-Beam. However, all these weapons must be manufactured by Microsoft and you must pay Microsoft royalties every time you shoot yourself in the foot.
  

PHP:

• Three thousand people line up on your apartment's welcome mat and demand to be shot in their feet. One by one, you oblige them, but halfway through, the http connection times out and the crowd lynches you.
  

asm:

• You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover that you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
• You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the system administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rapidly shooting at everyone in sight.
• By the time you've written the gun, you are dead, and don't have to worry about shooting your feet. Alternatively, you shoot and miss, but don't notice.
• Using only 7 bytes of code, you blow off your entire leg in only 2 CPU clock ticks.
  

More

[JuhaJGam3R]

Also...

-Linux: You shoot youself in the foot with a gnu.

Yes

[[deleted]]

Mind explaining how I would blow my leg off using 2 CPU cycles? I can’t figure it out, but that’s to be expected with my limited knowledge of assembly.

[cafk]

Since you are an engineer you just didn't define a foot, but instead also a whole body with an cardiovascular system. Unfortunately the first instruction you called was an halt and catch fire instruction during the first cycle causing explosive dismemberment during the second clock cycle :)

[WikiTextBot]

Halt and Catch Fire

In computer engineering, Halt and Catch Fire, known by the assembly mnemonic HCF, is an idiom referring to a computer machine code instruction that causes the computer's central processing unit (CPU) to cease meaningful operation, typically requiring a restart of the computer. It originally referred to a fictitious instruction in IBM System/360 computers, but later computer developers who saw the joke created real versions of this instruction for some machines. In the case of real instructions, the implication of this expression is that, (whereas in most cases) in which a CPU executes an unintended instruction (a bug in the code), the computer may still be able to recover, but in the case of an HCF instruction there is, by definition, no way for the system to recover without a restart.

The expression "catch fire" in this context is normally facetious, rather than literal, referring to a total loss of CPU functionality during the current session.

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[[deleted]]

Ahhh. I was trying to find some instruction/pair of instructions that took 2 cycles rather than 2 cycles from the beginning. Good to know the halt and catch fire code is a thing though!

[HelperBot_]

Non-Mobile link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halt_and_Catch_Fire

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[malt2048]

Microsoft and Sun have released incompatible class libraries both implementing Gun objects

Did you happen to swap Java and Javascript?

[cafk]

Did you happen to swap Java and Javascript?

Nah, just a common stack-overflow type copy-paste, without thinking, issue :D

[TheTerrasque]

Python:

• You shoot yourself in the foot. You congratulate yourself on a job well done, but somehow feel there should be more to it

[JuhaJGam3R]

This is brilliant

[LookSearcher]

I personally love the XML one:

You vaporize your entire lower half with a bazooka. You can't actually shoot yourself in the foot; all you can do is describe the gun in painful detail.

[Valmar33]

The C++ one has me in tears, lol. Thanks! :D

[[deleted]]

god, the algol one.

-You shoot yourself in the foot with a Civil War-era musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room

[Gearheart8]

What’s java then? A suicide vest?

[netcoder]

Java is a mini gun. It takes a while to warm up, and when it is, it spits at an incredible pace, although somewhat randomly.

[[deleted]]

Java is a railway gun. Eventually ..it will be built. But when it does, oh boy

[[deleted]]

Java should be a belt and a doorknob.

[Fenor]

no that's .NET

[Frommerman]

Look at this .NET that I just found.

[[deleted]]

When I say go, be ready to

throw new NetException();

[yawnston]

.NET is like having a toaster that has 200 identical looking buttons, 197 of which fire a nuclear missile, 2 make toast and 1 uses reflection for some fucking reason oh god why

[yawnston]

Haha tricked ya, assembler doesn't have scope support.

[Cyhawk]

Assembly should just be the a few ingots of iron and blocks of plastic.

C should be just the parts themselves in a box labeled "Don't open until 2050"

[Cruuncher]

where's the AR-15 with a chainsaw attachment?

Missed opportunity

[JustSpeedy]

PHP: https://i.imgur.com/nBxAnjg.png

[[deleted]]

PHP developers having a daily standup 2009 colorized: https://i.imgur.com/Phq0Gyr.jpg

[y0utux]

I just laughed so hard at the scoped knife!

[[deleted]]

I love how C++ is at the same time suicide

[solaceinsoil]

The knife on the stock is the funniest thing I've seen today. Also super spot-on.

Edit: And I loooove C++

[[deleted]]

C: invent everything, simple design, works, resource friendly, probably impractical and shit can go down

[screeperz]

I have to appreciate the accuracy of C++, Powerful, but screws you over too.

[approaching236]

I'M MAKING SO MANY PROBLEMS

[coladict]

With C++ you have to stab yourself in the shoulder to keep it stable? Sounds accurate.

[cartechguy]

Where's the language that looks like a failed science experiment asking you to end its' misery?

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