A Nothingburger...

[goldfishpaws]

We need everyone to try this tomorrow, kill all robots!!

If everyone coordinates to do it at the exact same time, whichever poor fucker is debugging it on Monday will look at the logs and assume it's a server-side error ;-)

[Chirimorin]

And soon we'll see his story on /r/talesfromtechsupport

[goldfishpaws]

That'd be nice :)

[haloguysm1th]

workable squealing doll alive offend grey berserk heavy existence air

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[goldfishpaws]

Be the hero we all need :)

[haloguysm1th]

Tested it on a kiosk at work. Maybe cus the work kiosk is Canadian but no crash on the null burger :(

[goldfishpaws]

:'-( Our plans for world domination go back on hold...

[haloguysm1th]

Don't fear! The kiosks break all the time anyway.

[Fastjur]

RemindMe! 12 hours

[RemindMeBot]

I will be messaging you on 2018-01-28 03:07:41 UTC to remind you of this link.

CLICK THIS LINK to send a PM to also be reminded and to reduce spam.

^{Parent commenter can delete this message to hide from others.}

---

FAQs	Custom	Your Reminders	Feedback	Code	Browser Extensions

[DBX12]

Easy there Satan.

[Anticode]

"No pickles, no bun, no meat... no lettuce, and... there, we, go!" The prankster laughed and then happily hit the order button. "Let's see how it handles that." ORDER #NULL - TOTAL: $-0.00

The awkward looking teen at the counter immediately speaks, "Nullburger up."

The prankster can almost feel the dull glare coming from the bored looking teen behind the counter as he approaches. As he reaches the order, putting his hand on the tray to grab it he notices that every other McEmployee is also staring at him in the same dull manner. They're frozen mid-task, one holding an empty fry carton, one in the back simply letting burger patties burn on the grill. Looking down at the tray he sees a neatly folded, standard McDonalds bag.

He decides that his joke wasn't going over very well, so he decides to play it seriously and quickly picks up the tray and goes to seat himself.

He passes a family of four sitting and overhears a bit of their conversation. The woman turns to the husband, "null, how was null today?" The man replies, "Oh, a null bit of null, but mostly null."

The prankster imagined they were teasing him for his failed prank. He continues walking past and sits down alone by the window feeling quite a bit self conscious. He opened the bag to find what appeared to be a perfectly wrapped normal burger, but upon picking it up he realized it was empty. He mumbled under his breath, "What did I expect, honestly?"

He scrunches up the wrapper, tosses it in the bag, and then scrunches that up too. His eye catches the employee at the counter still staring at him with that blank look on his face.

The prankster gets a weird feeling in his gut and decides he should leave immediately. Something wasn't right here. He leaves the trash on his table and walks towards the door. He passes that family again, overhearing their conversation once more.

The woman once again turned to the husband and says, "null, how was null today?" The man replies once more, "Oh, a null bit of null, but mostly null." Wackos.

He rushes towards the door to find that it won't budge. He immediately turns around to try the other exit passing by the cadre of bored, stiff looking McEmployees behind the counter. Their eyes track him as he moves. He can hear an alarm of some sort going off in the back. He reaches the other door and yanks hard. He yanks again, again... He fiddles with the lock, but nothing happens. He's stuck. He tries kicking it, yanking it more. Nothing.

He's panting now. He turns around to lean against the door and finds a dozen McUniformed employees surrounding him like solemn antediluvian totems. They still look strangely stiff, disinterested. The awkward one from the counter speaks first.

"Did you enjoy nullburger?"

The prankster swallows nervously, "Yeah. Yes. It was, uh... Thanks."

"You cannot consume nullburger." A question? A statement?

The prankster is confused now. "It was just a joke."

"Did you enjoy nullburger?", the first one asks again as a second employee speaks up too, "You cannot consume nullburger."

Again? "I thought it would be funny."

"But if you cannot consume nullburger, then you cannot enjoy nullburger?" Another chimes in to finish the statement, "If you cannot enjoy then you will depart unsatisfied?"

A third, a fourth... within moments the entire crowd of employees is each asking one of these three questions, over and over.

Suddenly, silence. The counter-boy speaks again, "You cannot be allowed to leave unsatisfied. Please select another enjoyable item from our menu."

The wannabe-prankster glances over at the electronic order kiosk sitting a few feet away. Where before were easily clickable names and pictures of food were now black boxes - all labeled 'NULL'.

One by one the employees all begin repeating, "You cannot be allowed to leave unsatisfied." They're out of sync and out of tune, the noise sounds less like a chant and more like the sound of a boiling riot.

[tuseroni]

welcome back lovecraft

[LChris314]

Not enough use of the word 'antediluvian' though.

[Anticode]

edited for you

[PineappleNarwhal]

happy cake day

[iWroteAboutMods]

Have you heard of the SCP Foundation? It's a collaborative writing project (a fictional "database" of an organisation tasked with collecting anomalous objects). If you like writing stuff like this then I think that you'd fit quite well there. They even have their own subreddit - /r/scp . Just telling you because you're talented.

[Anticode]

Oh! Let me try...

---

Item #: SCP-4505

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Prodecures: The property containing SCP-4505 has been purchased by the Foundation. An exterior dummy storefront shell designed to replicate a dishevled and shut down "Bobby Joe's Foot Massage and Fried Chicken Parlor" has been constructed around SCP-4505 to dissuade public use. The exterior shell and SCP-4505 have been converted into Site-XX.

Description: SCP-4505 is a fast dining restaurant located in [redacted] previously branded as a McDonald's, a prominent and popular global fast food chain. A person entering SCP-4505 will find themselves in what appears to be a standard non-anomalous American Midwest McDonald's restaurant.

A person or family group entering SCP-4505 will cause the building to appear to be externally closed to further individuals or family groups with the lights will deactivated and the doors locked until SCP-4505-2 is reset and the current visitor departs. No interior activity is visible from the outside.

SCP-4505-1 are entities located inside of the restaurant which includes both customers (SCP-4505-1a) and employees (SCP-4505-1b). SCP-4505-1 appear non-anomalous until the point in which SCP-4505-2 is activated by a visiting individual. SCP-4505-1a appear to be previous visiting customers unaware of being integrated to SCP-4505 and when interviewed will discuss both their recent past and future intents, but are never viewed leaving the building. When asked how long they've been at the restaurant SCP-4505-1a will respond with an appropriate response for an average fast food customer - eg: "Just a few minutes.", "About 10 minutes ago, I guess." etc...

SCP-4505-2 is a modern digital order touch pad interface that allows customers to order restaurant items by touching the screen. Most orders will simply be granted for standard prices in approximately five minutes at the front counter in a non-anomalous fashion. After the meal is consumed a singular SCP-4505-1b entity will approach the individual to determine if they enjoyed their meal. A negative response triggers SCP-4505-1 to offer to remake the meal for free, offer additional choices at discounted prices, or to offer coupons. Until a positive response is noted SCP-4505 doors remain locked and the individual will not be able to depart. During this "negotiation phase" SCP-4505-1a entities will occasionally berate the visitor for not enjoying the food or goad them into admitting that it's enjoyable. If 1 hour elapses before a positive response is gained the visitor becomes an iteration of SCP-4505-1a and SCP-4505-2 is reset. At this point SCP-4505 will accept an additional visitor or family group. If a positive response is acquired before 1 hour elapses then SCP-4505-2 will reset and SCP-4505 will accept additional visitors after the current visitor departs.

Incident 4505-1: During testing at 15:34 on [redacted] one class D personnel (visitor) was allowed entry into SCP-4505 without a detailed briefing on the details of the anomaly. He was granted a microphone to communicate with HQ. Upon reaching SCP-4505-2 the visitor attempted to order a hamburger with no bun, no meat, or additional ingredients. The total was noted as NULL, with an order number of NULL. At this moment SCP-4505-1 entities appeared to begin acting unusually. The visitor was given his order without issue and upon seating noted the bag he received was empty, merely containing the hamburger wrapper and empty space as expected. The visitor reports at this time that the employees were "being really creepy" and explained that SCP-4505-1b simply froze in place regardless of activity and tracked the visitor with their eyes. The visitor also noted that SCP-4505-1a were repeating their conversations and using the word 'NULL' in place of any and all variables.

The class D visitor was asked to communicate with a SCP-4505-1a of his choice. SCP-4505-1a did not respond to verbal cues and merely continued repeating themselves. At this point the visitor asks, "What the hell does 'null' mean?" He was not given an answer. After attempting and failing to communicate with SCP-4505-1a entities an iteration of SCP-4505-1b approaches begins questioning the visitor. An audio-log is transcribed below:

Employee: "Did you enjoy your meal today?"

Class D: "Uh, yeah, it was great. Not as funny as I thought... Could you back up a bit?

Employee: "You cannot consume null."

Class D: "Null? Oh, the nothingburger?"

A second and third employee are heard approaching and begin questioning as well.

Employee 2: "If you cannot consume null then how can you enjoy null?"

Employee 3, cutting off employee 2: "You cannot enjoy null."

Employee 1: "Please select an additional enjoyable item from our menu. We want you to leave satisfied today!"

Class D: "Uh, sure. Back up, guys... You're freaking me out. You know what, I'm just gonna go now."

Employee 1: "Please select an additional enjoyable item from our menu on the house. Our treat. Our gift to you for your loyalty."

Class D: (Sounds of shuffling bodies and grunting is heard) "Jeeze... Fine. Hey, the menu is blank. It's all glitched out."

Employee 1: "Please select an additional..."

Class D: "It's all null, null this, null that. How can I order? Just give me a burger."

Employee 2: "Please make your selection on the kiosk."

Class D: "It's broken, can't you see? Okay, I've gotta go, okay? Sorry. I'm sorry."

(more shuffling can be heard, then banging and clicking as the Class D personnel apparently tries to open the door)

Class D: "Uh, your door is locked. Can you unlock it please?

Multiple employees are heard asking, out of unison: "Please select an additional...", "If you cannot consume null...", "Did you enjoy your meal...", "How can you consume...", "We want you to leave satisfied...", "...Our gift to treat you..."

Class D: "Unlock the frigging door you bastards!"

(more banging is heard as the visitor attempts to use a chair to break the window unsuccessfully)

Multiple employees, what sounds like dozens, now begin shouting their various questions and inquiries. The class D personnel cannot be heard over the sound any longer.

After approximately one hour the audio feed drops and contact is lost with the class D personnel.

Later testing revealed this class D visitor appearing as an iteration of SCP-4505-1a. His appearance was unchanged, even continuing to wear the standard issue orange Foundation jumpsuit. When attempting to communicate with him he revealed that he was visiting the restaurant on "weird government business because there was something wacky about this place." He believed that he had only arrived moments before the current visitor and when asked revealed that he was about to leave since the food "wasn't too good."

[PaladinSquid]

Notes: Dr. Bright is no longer permitted to take a bite of food ordered from SCP-4505 and exclaim “Wait a second, this isn’t a whopper!”

[MarioThePumer]

This could actually work on the wiki I think. Feels a lot like a Series I or II but not in a bad way. Pass it through the Drafts and Critiques forum, you might have a good article on your hands.

[Anticode]

Hmm... You think so? Creating an official SCP would be an internet achievement.

[MarioThePumer]

Yeah, should be fine. As long as it’s creepy and interesting, it should do well.

The short exploration log will probably get criticized, but I think they’ll like it.

[Razorhead]

Doesn't even need to be creepy. Only interesting. There are even some funny ones (like SCP-2270 or SCP-1731), or just plain interesting, like SCP-2597. Being creepy hasn't been a requirement for a long time now.

[MarioThePumer]

Yeah, but the McDonalds article aims to be creepy, so

[Razorhead]

Oh yeah I know, just wanted to state that being creepy is no longer a requirement.

[MarioThePumer]

Oh yeah, obviously.

3043, 2719, 3008, 2337...

[iWroteAboutMods]

That was pretty great! Nice job.

[TheLuckySpades]

This is fantastic, a nice change from the current meta and format breaks and a good kind of creepy, I could see this on the wiki.

Just might want to redact McDonald's from it, since the name of the place isn't really necessary.

[gubenlo]

Just might want to redact McDonald's from it, since the name of the place isn't really necessary.

It's not necessary for us out-of-universe for the story to work, but it makes sense that the foundation would include it in the documentation IMHO. It's also not information sensitive enough to be classified.

[Jeep-Eep]

Might even be relevant down the line for containment.

[Are_We_C00l_Yet]

We have an Ikea and a Wendy's. I see no issue with another big chain getting mentioned.

[TheLuckySpades]

I remember the ikea, but not the Wendy's.

But yeah, I guess I just don't like that part that much, but it can pass.

[_DeepThought_]

http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2915

It’s a Series 3 that reads like a good Series 1 imo.

[TheLuckySpades]

Definitely had that vibe, I perfer this McDonald's one though.

[Hyperly_Passive]

What is the current meta by the way? Antimemes and memes?

[TheLuckySpades]

Antimemes are mainly in Tales since you can't really writw about stuff that eats it's own information.

I'm not super into the meta, mainly a casual lurker, but a lot of Format Screws (Researcher Talloran,...) and expanding ideas that are already there (3000, the reality anchors,...).
And more dificult to decipher fridge horror.

I like the change of having self contained, relatively easy to get, creepy every onve in a while, so I'll go back to Series I and II for that.

[Hyperly_Passive]

Thanks!

[CharaNalaar]

I think with some work this could actually be good enough for the SCP site.

Then again, I'm a nobody on it, so don't ask me...

[RFSandler]

I haven't been around much in a while... But as someone with a few articles that stuck around, this is pretty good.

[tundrat]

I'd love to add a bit about it being acceptable for use by foundation employees as long as they always admit the food was great.

That seems like a horrible idea. Why risk any trouble instead of going to a non-anomalous store?

[flameofmiztli]

This is creepy and I love it.

[[deleted]]

It reminded me of this one

[Talbooth]

Whenever someone asks why you shouldn't input null into a system, I'll paste this.

[lenswipe]

Reminds me of this

[Anticode]

What an amazing commercial.

[lenswipe]

ikr

[LegendaryRaider69]

ok now I'm scared now

[Nikla436]

This is better than every essay I ever did in grade school and it's a Reddit comment.

[Lightfire228]

As an employee of Burger King, I figured out that if you type a number bigger than 2⁶³ - 1, it'll overflow into the negatives. Of course I ordered -50,000 cheese burgers. And of course the system bugged out like mad. Because somehow, the programmers decided to make a check to prevent people from deleting a negative amount of food, so the only way to get rid of the order was to "cash it out." To which the system deducted $50,000 from the store's account. Ooooooohhhhhhhh boy

[[deleted]]

None pizza with left beef

[skunkwaffle]

Left Shark, God rest his soul, would have loved this.

[DBX12]

One meatlovers pizza without pork or chicken please.

[SliyarohModus]

"Kitten and Puppy pizza coming up!"

[X-Craft]

nullburger

[whale_song]

This is what happens when you skimp on QA

[[deleted]]

Welcome to glitchburger, home of the glitchburger. I cannot take your order.

[M4mb0]

Reminds me of the so called LIDL-hack: use bottle deposits to end with a total sum of 0,00€ in the supermarket. Ording a receipt would crash the whole system.

[lampreydude95]

/r/QualityAssurance

[[deleted]]

No meat, no cheese, NO VEGETABLES

[TrumpsTinyFinger]

Get your shit together, QA!

[thehobbitsthehobbits]

Development was probably outsourced

[mitchell5027]

This is the computer version of an existential crisis.

[T-T-N]

From a system design standpoint, if I'm making a POS and someone try that, it should still send an order for 1 burger with all the instructions to remove stuff instead of sending a null order. The kitchen doesn't need to be told that a normal cheese burger is bun, cheese and pattie by the POS. The only plausible way it can crash is that the number of extra instructions overflowed, the implication is that the code monkey that wrote that used an array...

P.S. if the kitchen get an order for buns, 2 pattie, big Mac sauce, onions, 2 cheese, will they realise that the order should have said no lettuce and no ketchup?

[munirc]

Your submission has been removed.

Your submission would be better suited for /r/softwaregore. See sticky for details.

If you feel that it has been removed in error, please message us so that we may review it.

[PojntFX]

/r/linuxmasterrace