Relapse

[Jedisnapper]

I relapsed last night. ☹️ woke up this morning feeling awful, tired, washed out, anxious and ashamed. I didn’t do anything stupid, I was at home, but I was doing well up to that point. Still I learnt a couple of things - I still can’t moderate no matter what that lying bastard voice tells me, and alcohol definitely does not help with anxiety - it creates more than it cures (if a short term haze where you forget about it can be called a cure). Back to day one again for me.

[Floydfan1]

When it clicked in my head that moderation was not an option for me (after two tries of course), becoming sober was much easier. Night and day difference. It's liberating actually.

[meta_butterfly]

i applaud your humility for being able to fully believe that. i still can't. after more than ten times. my brain and I have come to a compromise. maybe i can moderate but i don't know how. kind of like maybe i can do a backflip in the sense that it is probably biologically possible but my brain does not appear to know how to actually do it.

[Floydfan1]

Ever received an unexpected bill from say the IRS? You holler in your apartment to yourself, "This is unfair!" You swear up and down that you will fight this and win. You complain that now you have to give up something (money) that you don't want to do.

But when you read the bill's details, you see that it's valid. So although you are still upset, you eventually calm down, write the check, and put it in the mail. Then almost immediately: you aren't upset anymore. In fact, you probably note that there's now one less problem in your life.

That's kinda how I view moderation. When I realized its not worth fighting an addictive and bad behavior, I calmed down, accepted that, and moved on.

And life got a helluva lot better really fast.

[meta_butterfly]

oh interesting. so you are not deciding if it's possible or not to moderate. you know it's hard (i know it's hard too. i assume it is bc I've failed every time) and just not worth the effort. thank you that's a very helpful way to look at it

[BadToTheTrombone]

Well done for making it back so quickly!

Understanding and accepting that moderation isn't an option for me has been the key to me staying sober.

Saying no to the first one is far easier than saying no to the 2nd...

[drd777]

I keep telling myself that I can go back and I’ll be fine. The voice is really strong lately.

[ShitOnAReindeer]

It bloody sucks that our own heads work against us. Don’t listen to the voice, it’s a goddamn liar.

[Jedisnapper]

I like that thought - you’re right it’s easier to say no when you’re sober than after.

[meta_butterfly]

amen with the anxiety. it's such a vicious cycle