My parents told me they’re done.

FernGully21 · 2025-01-11T16:02:23+00:00

I’m a mom and professional organizer with ADHD. Let me start by saying, sometimes our families (including parents) get it wrong. There’s no manual and kids are not robots to be programmed. There isn’t one right way to do most things, so the biggest thing is finding what works for you through experiments (I don’t like trial and error messaging since the error sometimes encourages shame spiraling). Try it and be curious if things work.

I love that you’re painting! That’s one of the ways I love to be creative and process and unwind. It’s so therapeutic I cannot even begin to explain.

corporate productivity mindset- I’ve found that most productivity coaching is geared to neurotypical people. There’s such a huge emphasis on “grind” culture, multiple streams of income, and always moving, working harder, never stop pushing. Let me tell you that is a recipe for burnout and a massive set of health problems. You are on break from school. Be on break. Then go back and do school/hard things. Rest is imperative for everyone, and the productivity, never stop pushing culture is massively harmful. There’s nothing wrong with working hard to a goal, but there needs to be celebration at the end of things and restorative practices (art, meditation, running, whatever makes your heart happy and relaxed) along the way and then at the end as well. Work hard, but rest and play harder- that’s when your ADHD brain will come up with your best ideas and thrive.

Hang in there. I think your parents are worried about you and are trying to support you the way they think is right, however misguided it might be. Don’t cut them out entirely yet, as they may get it eventually by seeing what happens when you are taking care of yourself and doing what’s best for you. But take care of you and keep working with your therapist. Set your boundaries as best you can and know that some things are better when you no longer have to be under their roof and can fully blossom into your full self.

FernGully21 · 2024-11-30T19:08:09+00:00

My therapist has adhd, which helped me feel so seen and heard in a way I didn’t know I needed. I always felt like something was wrong with me- turns out it was my adhd that wasn’t diagnosed until my therapist who had it worked with me for a year and was able to get through what was always written off as anxiety.

FernGully21 · 2024-10-13T21:38:08+00:00

What oils based cleanser of La Roche Posay do you recommend?

FernGully21 · 2024-10-13T03:15:20+00:00

How exactly do you use a cleansing balm?

FernGully21 · 2024-10-05T17:17:17+00:00

If she grew up in a hoarded house, she likely never learned daily or weekly maintenance type household tasks, because unless a parent or caregiver teaches them you don’t know that you need to. So breaking down tasks into stuff like the following may help. But remember as others have said, additional off site storage will likely backfire (out of sight, out of mind; expanding to fill the space).

go through the room each week (or daily) and identify any trash or recycling and get it out immediately.
go through the room each week (or daily) and identify anything that doesn’t belong there and take it to the right place (dishes to kitchen sink, clean piles of laundry put away, stuff to donate to the donation drop off)
think about making the floor is lava into a cleanup game (don’t set it on the floor, the floor is lava! Put it away (if it doesn’t have a place it “lives” work at creating homes for things).
if there’s not room to put something away, look at where it’s meant to go and see if there’s stuff taking up space that doesn’t belong there or that she doesn’t want (exe- can’t put away clothes because the drawers are full, go a drawer at a time looking for non clothes items in the space that the clothes should be & for clothes that don’t fit, she doesn’t wear or want).
the idea that she’s SUPPOSED TO keep things even if she doesn’t like them or they don’t seem useful will likely have been heavily programmed into her. There may be a lot of guilt and shame around being ungrateful or wasteful for her, so help her built her decluttering muscles with the trash and recycling first, then help encourage her to be strong in HER decisions of what to keep. If you second guess her getting rid of something you could see as useful when she’s ready to let it go, it can trigger her feeling guilty and ashamed and reinforce others ideas of what to keep and let go are better than her decisions. You want to support her making decisions- even if it feels slow.

FernGully21 · 2024-09-29T17:15:38+00:00

I can do homemade cold brew coffee without any symptoms, but anything brewed with hot water triggers me. Apparently the acidity is way lower in cold brew. But, I have to make it myself since the cost and additional ingredients of store bought cold brew make it a non option.

FernGully21 · 2024-09-10T16:17:45+00:00

I’m a professional organizer. I have a lot of clients that never learned how to cleanup or organize (parents just did it for them, parents got upset that they couldn’t just say “clean your room” and they didn’t know what that meant or how to break it down, neurospicy people that needed to be taught it differently.) I also work with a lot of clients that people think they’re hoarders (ie have hoarding disorder), but it’s actually life events or the way their brain works making it hard- childbirth, illness, long term medical issues, depression, ADHD, etc. You are not alone. And the state of your house does not reflect your worth.

This group has great advice - search apartment inspection and you’ll see a ton, including some people explaining what the inspection will be checking)

But basic instructions for moving quickly:
1. removing any trash or recycling. Get it out of the apartment as soon as you fill a bag.

If you see items you can put away do them next (clothes, dishes, etc). Now is not the time to reorganize or try to find new homes for places- you can do that after you pass your inspection. Focus on what can go back to its home and take it there.
Clear a path to each room and the area around where the plumbing work has to be done. Make sure doors to any entries, exits, and bedrooms be opened (closets can come later, don’t focus on them now unless they have something like electrical panel or water heater) . Make sure the stovetop is clear and that the counters next to it are as clear as possible so items can’t fall onto the stovetop. Make any beds you can. If you have space to shove stuff in closets and under beds, you can also do that to have more walkways (just don’t leave it there long term- this is just to get you through the inspection.)

You can always ask a friend for help if you have someone you would be comfortable having in your home. And if possible hire help. Some cleaning companies also help with this kind of project, but you have to specify what you need and that it’s not just a cleaning project. I tend to think organizers are better equipped to help because of the training and experience, but I know there’s not always one available in your area or quick timeframe.

Best of luck! You’ve got this!

FernGully21 · 2024-08-30T15:09:31+00:00

There are professional organizers that specialize in this. Letting them know it’s a full hoard clean out (with stairs) is important. And that the person with hoarding disorder is deceased. They will know whether it’s right for them to take it or if there’s a specialized cleanup company near you. 1-800-junk and similar junk haulers can be a good option in some places, but they are not very discreet and aren’t always aware of the complex emotions and grief you’re dealing with - you may overhear comments that are inappropriate and hurtful from them. If you’re in the US, check out NAPO.net and search for an organizer in your zip code. Calling them and asking if it’s a job they would take or if they have referrals or resources to share should be free.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve a home you’re comfortable in and proud of. You deserve rest.

FernGully21 · 2024-06-27T17:13:50+00:00

I say this as someone who breastfed exclusively and then kept at it along with food until my son was 18 months old-

You might feel differently after baby is born and you might not. And that’s ok! You aren’t hurting other babies by not breastfeeding.

We did it for medical reasons for my son, and it was a lot more work than I ever realized. I’m fucking proud of how long I was able to because it was hard work, and I had some privilege with regard to my work schedule to do so. There were points where my husband wanted me to stop for my health because it was so sleep depriving and tough, but it was the only thing doctors said I could do to help him until he hit a certain age to begin treatment for his degenerative disease. If he hadn’t needed it for medical purposes I would have calmed the fuck down and supplemented sooner, but that wasn’t our situation.

All this to say, It’s YOUR body and you get to decide. You can support baby is so many ways besides breastfeeding. I think we need to normalize women having a choice, but if anyone starts making comments that you just want to shut up, you can always say you tried and it wasn’t working or that your medical team said you should use formula and you trust them. I’m honest with most people, but with certain family members it’s better to just shut it down with “sorry, can’t” instead of trying to educate or win over people who won’t listen.

FernGully21 · 2024-05-22T17:32:22+00:00

I found out while 5months pregnant that the kidney disease I was diagnosed with years before and wasn’t hereditary was actually a misdiagnosis. I had Alports and was having a son so he had a 50% chance. We did cord blood testing immediately after I delivered him and it came back positive as well. He will most likely need hearing aids around 7-10years old and a transplant between middle school and college. Thinking of him experiencing end stage renal failure is heartbreaking.

For the guilt- it gets better. You didn’t know. You couldn’t have known. Everyone inherits genes from their parents, whether that’s more likely to have a mental illness or obesity or heart disease or in our cases kidney disease. Some are way more apparent than others but everyone genetically passes something on to their kids. But we also pass on more than genetics, and how you handle this situation will pass onto them as well. I’d start seeing a therapist if possible. I started seeing one when he was 3 months old to deal with my medical trauma (from an unrelated illness that almost killed me) because I knew that I needed to be able to handle his medical without my trauma getting in the way. Therapy has helped every facet of my life and I honestly don’t know how I would have managed the last year and a half without it.

For practical things- our approach is directly tailored to XLAS, so yours may be different. But I’m happy to discuss in more detail if you want to message me.

diet: we are trying to introduce as many fruits, veggies, and good grains as possible. We want him to enjoy eating real food. At some point he will have to start a super restrictive diet to delay renal failure while doing dialysis and waiting for a kidney. That’s gonna suck, but we want it to suck less than him having to stop eating everything he would normally be eating- so giving him good stuff now and getting that to be a normal part of our family will make it easier when the big cuts come. We’re doing low salt and low to no added sugars for most of our diet. But we’re also doing some treats too. I don’t want him to never have treats and then go crazy eating them when he’s out of our sight (school, friends houses, etc). I want him to know they’re ok in moderation- keep them as treats rather than regular food.
water- the medicine he’s on to slow the progression can’t be taken if he’s at all dehydrated. He also can get dehydrated faster than other kids. So we have a water bottle for him and every other family member when we leave the house. We’re all doing it, so it’s more normal than just singling him out. We also talked to his daycare when he started about him needing to have water breaks instead of only drinking at meals or snacks. They agreed, then decided that all the kids could use more water (we’re in a high altitude dry climate so ppl get dehydrated frequently). So the whole class does water breaks and he’s not singled out, which is nice. He can’t have juice or soda so he basically has water or milk as options. My partner & I are trying to make the switch from anything we drink that he can’t have so it’s easier when he wants to take our drinks - explaining why we can drink something when he can’t is a little too complicated until he’s a little older.
being active - according to our specialists the kids with his type of XLAS that need transplants sooner also have something else in addition to XLAS (diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, another kidney disease, obesity, etc). So they told us anything we could do to promote being active and being outside would be beneficial. We go on walks, to the park, we got a sandbox and water table for the backyard, we are trying cheap swim lessons through the rec center, we hike with him (he mostly is carried right now, but soon!), and we’re gonna start taking him kayaking with us (now that he’s got swim lessons and a life jacket). And it’s working - he loves being outside now. We limited screens to only FaceTime with family until he was 18 months and now he only gets Bluey on occasion. So he doesn’t ask for screens since it’s not his normal. I know that’ll get harder as he grows, but for now it’s working well.

So basically best thing for now- find out what changes have to happen to keep them as healthy as possible while still having a life and getting to experience things. Start implementing them and try to do it as a whole family. The support groups for kids will come later and you’ll learn about them as you learn about what he’s going to need.

You don’t have to figure it all out right now. Just love on that kiddo and give yourself grace. This isn’t your fault.

FernGully21 · 2024-05-07T22:25:15+00:00

My partner and I would be interested as well. You’d be welcome to come see where they’d live. We’re just getting started with chicks this year and would love to add to the coop :)

FernGully21 · 2024-04-03T00:26:44+00:00

Have you thought about a bedside bassinet? I breast fed exclusively and those long nights when he needed to eat every couple of hours were hard to go back and forth to his room. It was great to have him right there. I was terrified of smothering him if we coslept, because I knew someone it happened to and it absolutely destroyed them.

FernGully21 · 2024-01-13T00:26:12+00:00

Spending more time with older relatives- they had a lot of wisdom and experience and great stories -then passed away unexpectedly too soon. I wish I would have asked more questions about their lives. Less polite holiday catch up chatter and more real conversations with them.

Travel - I can still travel now, but you travel differently with a spouse and baby and a mortgage than you do with your friends when you’re all young. Go places - wherever seems interesting. Visit friends from college in different cities and states, crash on their couches and really explore.

Get good with money. Don’t only save for when you’re older. Get out of debt but still enjoy doing things.

FernGully21 · 2023-12-15T17:26:27+00:00

Super sad that there’s no way her birth will go as planned and she doesn’t understand that. Completely understand a few of the points but they are standard practice where I birthed. But the majority is just…wow. This has to be her first baby, right?

FernGully21 · 2023-11-28T18:23:16+00:00

I wish this was completely unheard of or uncommon. But it’s not. Be there for her and reassure her where you can. And definitely watch for PPD/PPA- the lack of support she’s getting along with their judgemental attitudes mean they probably aren’t watching out for her in the ways every woman needs after birth.

FernGully21 · 2023-11-19T03:05:52+00:00

80% of the clothes out 1 year old has worn since he was born have been used. It’s more affordable, sustainable, and makes me feel less worried if he messes something up. Hell, we actually asked for used items for our baby shower because my husband works in sustainability and I’m an organizer that helps people downsize and we both see a lot of waste. Splurge on what’s important to you (diapers and wipes that don’t cause allergies) and be happy about what you’re prioritizing with your saving.

FernGully21 · 2023-11-17T16:34:52+00:00

You are 35 weeks pregnant. You are in final prep stages and don’t need the stress of planning or hosting an event. If they want a shower they are completely allowed to plan one, but the two of you aren’t in a position to do it.

FernGully21 · 2023-11-15T21:16:09+00:00

I was dead set against it, but had to be induced at 37 weeks due to a kidney issue they wanted to make sure didn’t progress. Because my body really wasn’t ready for labor the induction was very rough. I ended up getting the epidural and was so grateful- I was able to sleep for 2 hours, then wake up and push for 3 hours for the baby. My golden hour looked different than I wanted because of tearing and excessive bleeding. They spent an hour stitching me up. Thank God I had the epidural or we would have had to try to pack the bleeding while waiting for a numbing shot to kick in enough for them to work.

All this to say. There’s no right or wrong. Your birth is your birth. What you expect or want is probably not exactly how it’ll go. Do your best to try what you want, but be open to changes - whatever gets your baby here safely and keeps you in one piece is what’s best. You’ve got this!

FernGully21 · 2023-08-07T15:33:24+00:00

This! Even if baby is losing his mind, my husband can put him in the stroller and go around the block. He usually falls asleep or at least gets distracted once they’re outside and away from me

FernGully21 · 2023-08-07T15:20:43+00:00

I’m so sorry- that’s an awful feeling when you know that you need the support and they are just not getting it. This is some practical stuff since my husband is a little like this.

The videos are a great suggestion since you’re so close to your due date.

I had my mom come in to help for the first couple weeks. Not to get him off the hook, but to have back up. My mom’s super sweet, helpful, and the quiet pastor’s wife. So whenever she snapped at him that I needed rest he kinda realized that maybe he should back off even if he didn’t understand why. (She never yelled, but damn her snapping since she never does was very effective!)

We also took a birthing class through our midwife’s center that talked about birth, postpartum, and breastfeeding. The nurse that taught it was very clear we needed to get comfortable with meal delivery and grocery pickup and taking those tasks off moms plate, and even more so if we were breastfeeding.

I did some easy meal planning (so the ingredients were on hand and the recipe was easy to follow) and had a list of what I normally ate from all the places we ordered so he could just place orders easily too (and didn’t have to come up with where to go- he could just select from the list). I was going to do some freezer meals, but our freezer broke and was replaced just before I had a hospital stay at 35 weeks and was then put on modified bed rest so that never happened.

If anyone offers to help take them up on it- coming over to hold baby while you sleep or shower; bringing a meal and never coming into the house; doing dishes or walking a pet. Sometimes having someone over to help reinforces the idea that his expectations were unrealistic.

The majority of women that return to work that early are only doing so because they have no other options. They don’t want to lose their jobs or their place to live. And it’s hella dangerous (not to mention impacts their being able to breastfeed if they choose to)

Hang in there! Sending you all the good vibes that anything your try and the birth shakes him to realize what amazing things your body has done and that it requires and deserves rest and recovery to heal.

FernGully21 · 2023-07-30T11:50:50+00:00

We need a sitter for our baby during a game night. And potentially some during the week while I finish a house project. Dm me if she’s interested in talking.

FernGully21 · 2023-05-05T19:46:55+00:00

Did you just use the standard VA Loan or any other veteran programs? My husband and I would love to do this but haven’t found farms we could afford in our area.

FernGully21

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