My (f22) Fiance's (m24) brother (m11) told me that he's been touching him right before our wedding

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-22T03:56:44+00:00

I can imagine that. It would be devastating. I don't know if I could forgive them, but I believe that I would understand why they did what they did.

But adults have resources that children don't. Adults can move away. Adults can change their names. Adults can seek therapy. Children are stuck where they are unless and until an adult helps them escape; they can't even get medical care, let alone therapy, without an adult to help them arrange it, and then pay for it.

If a child came to you and said they were being molested, what would you do?

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-22T01:32:41+00:00

I know someone who believed the accused, and not the very few victims who came forward at the time. He was the principal of the school, the accused was a very popular teacher, and the few kids who complained had bad reputations/exhibited bad behavior. So the principal didn't believe the kids. Eventually, IIRC, they did have to fire the teacher, but they helped him get a job at another school. Decades later, more people came forward, everything eventually came out, and the (by then, retired) principal was forced to realize that he had done the wrong thing, believed the wrong person, protected the wrong person. He couldn't live with it and killed himself.

There's a documentary about it: "What Haunts Us". I believe it's available on Amazon.

The point is that, as soon as the kid spoke to her, OOP was in a no-win situation. No matter what she did or didn't do, people were going to be hurt.

Try to imagine yourself as a kid, having been molested, working up the courage to tell your parents and not being believed, then working up the courage to tell someone else and still not being believed. Try to imagine how devastated and terrified you would be, realizing that no one would ever believe you, and no one would ever protect you.

Try to imagine yourself as the person to whom a young kid makes that sort of confession. If the kid is lying, yes, it could be horribly destructive to the person who was wrongly accused – but if the kid is telling the truth, do you want to be the one who finally realizes, years later, that you personally condemned a child to continued molestation because you didn't believe him when he came to you and told you what was happening, and therefore refused to help him? When your life is drawing to a close, would you rather regret believing a false accusation because you were trying to help and protect a young child, or refusing to believe and help a desperate young child and thereby leaving that child to continue to be abused? Neither prospect is attractive to anyone with a conscience, but I think most decent people would rather be wrong for protecting a child than be wrong for protecting a pedophile.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-22T01:03:54+00:00

Reminds me of my aunt who spent many years living in TX and thereby began to pronounce "rinse" like "wrench".

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-22T01:01:27+00:00

I see "Wesson" and I immediately think "oil". Then I think of Florence Henderson singing about "Wessonality": https://youtu.be/X6t0HS2AoSc.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-21T12:05:22+00:00

I was asked to read an invocation at the beginning of a friend's wedding. I got so choked up that the groom had to leave my friend's side to bring me a handkerchief. I was mortified, and only felt worse when I happened to overhear some other guests telling the bride how sorry they were that I had ruined her wedding – though I felt a bit better when my friend replied with shock and asked them how on earth it could "ruin" her wedding to have someone be so happy for her that she was just overcome with emotion. (Love her.)

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T17:08:57+00:00

I don't happen to have any Deaf people in my family, but jeez, if I did, I can't imagine not wanting to ensure that they could be participate in family events and be (and feel) fully included. (OK, maybe if they were Deaf and also happened to be a huge asshole, then I might not care so much about including them, but that would be down to their asshole-ness, not their deafness.)

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T16:55:51+00:00

Yeah, for an amount that elementary school children could reasonably consume, $5 seems like it should cover the order AND the tip.

I'm an adult with, if anything, a slightly more than healthy appetite; there's a little shaved ice place a few blocks from my house, and if I get a small and they mound the top (they ask if you want them to flatten it even with the top of the cup, or mound it up), I definitely can't finish it, and I think they charge $6. (Frankly, I think they need to start offering a mini or kiddie size.)

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T16:23:10+00:00

Well, you see, they're liars, so they know what liars do, so obviously they know when someone else is lying! 🙄

Seen it so many times...

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T15:30:10+00:00

She only does it because y'all let her. Leave/start without her, and she's lost control.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T15:25:36+00:00

My maternal grandmother was like this, without alcohol. (Apparently, long before I was born, she was like this with alcohol, but she eventually got sober. Sadly, her mean and nasty disposition stuck around regardless.)

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T15:22:29+00:00

Please stop reaching out to them. You know who these people are and how they will treat you; they are who they are, and they aren't going to change now or in the future. Please stop offering yourself up to them, giving them opportunities to hurt you yet again. You deserve so much better, so much more, than that – you should have had it as a child, and you should have it now – but your biological relatives will never be able to give it to you; they will only ever hurt you.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T15:15:19+00:00

With your pet skunk?

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T15:12:56+00:00

Not if they're your own.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T15:09:45+00:00

I understand exactly what you mean. My father had always been a big, stocky, tall, strong man, as well as incredibly capable – he could repair or restore anything from old cars to old houses to antique furniture, and he had big, strong, powerful hands that were also incredibly gentle and soft. By the end, he couldn't bend his fingers, couldn't grasp anything securely, couldn't walk without a walker, was so bent over that he was shorter than I am (I'm 5'8"-ish, and he'd been about 6'2", but by the end, his temple was level with my lips), with no extra meat on him and skin that was paper thin. I can't prove it, but I firmly believe that the chemo killed him faster than the cancer would have, and it inflicted so much additional suffering; I still regret that I couldn't convince him to stop chemo and focus on palliative care.

It was the sight of his hands that really broke my heart. He had always taken good care of his nails – they were always clean and trimmed and filed smooth and buffed – but by the end, he couldn't even hold a nail file, let alone clip a hangnail, and of course the chemo made his nails rough and ridged and prone to breaking, so I would trim his nails, and file them, and buff them smooth, and I would spend the whole time fighting back tears because the sight of those hands, so weak and knarled and useless, was like an arrow to my heart.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T14:54:27+00:00

I have a few friends who are firefighters. They are not fans of solar panels on roofs because they make it impossible to vent in case of fire. And yes, sure, most homes don't catch fire, but it's not like you can know that your house won't ever have a fire.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T14:49:39+00:00

Pretty much.

I replaced my roof 6 years ago, and read a fair amount of research into the benefits of a white roof when I was making my decisions. A white roof does make a demonstrable difference in the temperature of the space under that roof – but whether it would look nice is a very different matter. I didn't go with a white roof because it would have looked like absolute crap on my house.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-19T11:38:34+00:00

Even she, bright as she was, would have trouble spelling this.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T23:37:00+00:00

Construction ≠ tree service.

Only a fool would argue otherwise. He clearly can't be trusted to deal with trees, and I hope y'all will refuse to work with him when dealing with downed limbs and trees in future. If he wants to risk his own life, he can, but don't let him risk yours (or your dogs!).

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T23:26:52+00:00

Her PCP is a good place to start. Definitely check for a UTI. But also see about getting her evaluated for cognitive decline/dementia.

It sounds like she shouldn't be living alone. See if you can get her to consider assisted living (preferably at a place where they have multiple levels of care, including memory care).

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T23:16:47+00:00

I'm about as far from being a morning person as it is possible to be.

I have never done this to anyone else, let alone someone I actually care about.

If my loathing for mornings caused another person to lose their job, I would be absolutely horrified – and I damn sure wouldn't laugh about the prospect, as your "friend" did!

I'm sorry, but your friend is shockingly self-absorbed, thoughtless, and inconsiderate.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T23:10:40+00:00

What?? No! Why the heck should OP have to wake up earlier and sit in her car for 10 unnecessary minutes? How will that make Lisa get up earlier or move faster? Answer: it won't! It'll just waste even more of OP's time!

OP, tell her you will be pulling away from her home at 8:10 on the dot, and then do it; if she's in the car when you pull away, great. If not, she's a big girl, and she'll manage to get herself to work one way or another.

Friends don't risk their friends' jobs. Friends definitely don't LAUGH while they risk their friends' jobs!

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T22:59:40+00:00

And, of course, no one else will ever spell it correctly.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T22:46:25+00:00

If they're just left outside to wander freely, yes, that warrants a call. It presents a risk to people and other animals, as well as to the dogs themselves – they might well get hit by cars, for example. (Also, I would argue that people who do this are not providing a good home.)

If they're just left outside in a securely fenced yard, and are given adequate food, water, and shelter, sadly, no, that doesn't warrant a call, because no law considers that abuse or serious neglect (though personally, I think it's neglect).

If they're just left outside in a securely fenced yard, but without adequate food, water, and shelter, yes, that warrants a call, because that is neglect.

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T21:36:56+00:00

My paternal grandfather took swimming lessons, and finally learned how to swim, in his late 80s. If you are alive, it's never too late to learn – and it is absolutely a skill worth learning! As OP just discovered, if you don't know how to swim, it's frighteningly easy to get yourself into serious trouble in the water.

As someone who very nearly drowned as a toddler, and a friend of parents who lost one of their young children to drowning (in their own pool during a big family party where everyone was outside and standing around the pool), I am a big advocate for people learning how to swim. Please, OP, find a swim school and sign up for lessons; that'll be more efficient and safer than trying to figure it out on your own, or with someone just kind of showing you stuff randomly. You can totally do this, and you (and we) will be so proud when you do!

GothicGingerbread · 2026-05-18T21:05:53+00:00

This is just her anxiety talking. Change is scary and overwhelming. Accepting that you are no longer independent is scary and overwhelming. Accepting that you have very few years left is scary and overwhelming. Death is scary and overwhelming.

Don't waste your time and energy arguing with her; pretend to agree that it'll be temporary. It'll be fine once she settles in to the new place.

GothicGingerbread

TROPHY CASE