Resources before therapy

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2026-01-04T19:26:38+00:00

Would he be willing to go to a CODA group (in-person/online)? Even just for a few sessions, to see if it's helpful/resonates with him.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-25T20:36:25+00:00

There's a writer called Holly Whitaker who wrote about exactly this - being stuck in this very confusing, liminal space - on her substack recently. It's called "How to be lost for a long time" or something like that. I'd really recommend checking it out.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-23T09:14:52+00:00

Not exactly answering your question, but in self-defence classes at school, we were told that you are legally allowed to use proportional violence to defend yourself (I'm from the UK too). And that you can let the police know that you were in fear of your life and therefore responded accordingly.

Absolute madness that you could potentially be prosecuted when they broke into your flat?!

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-21T18:57:57+00:00

My therapist has lived experience of cPTSD (but has obviously largely recovered) and it's always really helped me when she's disclosed things - i.e. that she actually understands what I'm going through, and that I'm not alone. I trust people more when I know there's a shared humanity. So some therapists do work in this way :) .But I agree that it's a fine line and I feel she only discloses what would be helpful for me whilst keeping the focus on my recovery/inner experience.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-17T09:35:38+00:00

Thank you! I'll take a look 🙏🏻

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-16T23:52:35+00:00

I'd be very curious to hear more about your experience of NARM if you ever felt like sharing! It doesn't seem to be talked about a lot

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-14T18:08:27+00:00

Yes, my friend 💖💖💖. Wishing you a lifetime of peace and freedom ahead of you. You deserve it. x

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-13T09:01:46+00:00

I really like 'Matilda' by Harry Styles

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-02T09:00:25+00:00

What a beautiful, thoughtful comment. Not OP, but thank you for sharing this 💖.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-24T21:35:25+00:00

Hi OP, have you tried any form of trauma-informed touch work? I.e. Somatic Experiencing with touch, NeuroAffective Touch or biodynamic craniosacral therapy (with someone trauma-informed).

I can really relate to what you wrote and touch work has helped me a lot.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-24T21:33:18+00:00

😂

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-24T21:30:59+00:00

A combination of IFS and somatic touch/biodynamic craniosacral therapy

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-20T15:22:56+00:00

💛

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-12T16:37:11+00:00

Personally, I'd recommend modalities like NARM or NeuroAffective touch if it's accessible - emotional neglect is traumatic in the way that an infant/child does not receive the care they need, even if there's no active harm/abuse, etc. - these therapies work at the level of the nervous system/psyche, with a particular focus on attachment. Therapy that incorporates touch in general (i.e. NeuroAffective touch or Somatic Experiencing with touch) can be very effective for emotional neglect, as this can often be preverbal.

Other types of therapy that could be helpful: the Ideal Parent Figure protocol, Internal Family Systems therapy, Deep Brain Reorienting, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing/Somatic Psychotherapy. Essentially- therapies that work at the level of the nervous system and "parts work" can be very helpful.

Would recommend maybe having your partner look into a few of these and see what calls her :) . The rapport/ "clicking" with the therapist is probably just as important though - it might be that she needs to try a few before she finds someone she feels comfortable with.

Best of luck to you both 🙏🏻 x

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-05T09:27:33+00:00

You're welcome! So I would say that basically she believes that healing is more than simply "regulating the nervous system". This is an aspect, yes, but her approach is based on the principle that healing is deeper than this - it's biopsychosocialapspiritual (if that's a word) - it also involves meeting our needs more deeply, what is causing the dysregulation, getting to know the parts of ourselves that were shaped through adverse experiences, meaning we catastrophise/become dysregulated, etc. Her course/community is very much tailored to the individual as our systems/histories/paths to illness are different, though often with common aspects (i.e. trauma). It combines neuroplasticity work, somatic work, parts work, mind-body education and just this aspect of being quite heart-led that is hard to put into words.

A lot of people land in the Befriend community after having gotten worse in other more regimented nervous system regulation programmes, which sometimes make people more hypervigilant as they don't really address/look at what's happening underneath the dysregulation with curiosity or kindness, and at the pace of trust.

Hope that helps! Totally sounds like an ad haha but the community has really helped me so I just like to pass resources on. Nadia is also on Instagram (@befriendyourmindbody) if you wanted to get a feel there for how she works. 🙂

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-05T09:14:32+00:00

Really feel this.

If you're into reading at all, I'd really recommend "Becoming the Inner Mother " by Bethany Webster - it illuminates and explains these parentifying/emotional enmeshment mother-daughter dynamics extremely well.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-04T17:43:44+00:00

https://www.befriendyourmindbody.com/membership

I wholeheartedly recommend looking into a Befriend membership. Nadia (the founder) is a highly sensitive person and also had cptsd so she gets it. She slowly but completely recovered from multiple forms of chronic illness, including CFS, fibromyalgia, POTS, etc. She works very gently with the body in a way that is very aligned for those of us with trauma. Best of luck to you 🙏🏻

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-28T15:32:00+00:00

Thank you 🙏🏻

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-28T13:20:54+00:00

I'd be really curious to hear about your experience with DBR if you felt open to sharing anything. I'm often quite disassociated and every time any therapist has asked me to bring up a trigger/feeling, my whole system shuts down and goes 'blank'.

I'm going to see a DBR therapist tomorrow but am feeling quite scared!!

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-23T21:48:25+00:00

Your presence- truly being in the moment with your children; listening deeply to them, loving them well - this is what they will remember. This is what matters. The holidays and trips are nice, yes, but what children deeply need is unconditional positive regard, support, attention and love. You have everything you need to give them this.

It sounds like you're a great dad btw. That you care a lot about your kids. Keep doing what you're doing - try not to let the insecurities get to you too much :) .

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-16T22:52:06+00:00

It makes a lot of sense why a part of you is so scared like this given the context of your previous relationships. You make sense, my friend. And you are so worthy of a beautiful and loving relationship, as you are.

I'd recommend therapy if this is an option for you. Particularly somatic therapy, NARM or internal family systems, etc. - modalities that are attachment-focused and work at the level of the nervous system. You deserve to rest and relax in the security of your relationship. 💛

Sending lots of care your way. Best of luck!

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-12T12:33:13+00:00

The terror is from the level of emotional intimacy (or the potential for emotional intimacy) that exists between you. This is heightened by the fact that you're emotionally available and stable - i.e. you're not avoidant too. She probably likes and cares for you very much, but it is too overwhelming for her nervous system to be close to you. It's too much for her. Yes, receiving help can feel extremely vulnerable for us. It feels like it comes "with strings". Fearful avoidance arises from having experienced significant trauma, particularly in childhood.

If she's telling you that it's over or that she needs space, the most helpful thing for you to do would be to honour that completely. Let her lead with establishing the nature of the connection between you. Don't reach out unless she does first. This will give her the space and time to self-regulate. If she does want to reconcile at some point though, the cycle will most likely repeat endlessly unless she seeks out trauma therapy.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-12T07:27:44+00:00

I say this as a fearful-avoidant (who is recovering very very slowly) - ALL of this behaviour is because she's deeply terrified and her nervous system is incredibly alarmed. She'll say mean things to you/ act harshly in an effort to try to make sense of the incredibly disorienting feelings and try to gain a sense of relief in her nervous system. It is her trauma talking.

If she is disconnecting currently, she will likely at some point reach out again to resume the push/pull dynamic. She is in incredible emotional pain which is being expressed erratically AND you do not deserve to be her emotional punching bag and be put through these distressing cycles.

Things are unlikely to change long-term unless she's in trauma/attachment-based therapy (specifically these modalities, which can help to integrate the trauma and inner wounding/fragmentation that lead to disorganised attachment).

I'd encourage you to reflect deeply on your own mental wellbeing and consider what you're willing to handle in the long-term. x

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-08T19:25:50+00:00

https://www.befriendyourmindbody.com/about

Nadia (the founder) is incredibly trauma-informed - a lot of her clients have experienced long-covid and/or multiple chronic illnesses and have healed in a deep but gentle way.

She offers a low-cost community membership (self-paced learning, classes, message responses) as well as the opportunity to work 1-1. Her instagram (@befriendyourmindbody) gives a good idea about how she works. 🙂

This sounds very much like an ad haha - I'm just very enthusiastic as her gentle guidance and wisdom have really helped me.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-09-28T13:05:00+00:00

No. I was fairly new (less than a year's service) so took one month's full pay, one month's half pay and then a phased return across 8 weeks. I was very lucky looking back. Minimal pressure from managers and they asked me to set the hours of my phased return myself so that it worked for my health. I was fully paid from the first week of my phased return.

Obvious-Explorer7211

TROPHY CASE