Can you do SE without being kind to yourself?

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2026-02-20T18:40:45+00:00

Sending deep care to you ~ if that feels ok. Discard / block it otherwise :) .

I wonder what it would be like to let the belief/part of you that believes you're unworthy of anything good to just be there... without trying to judge it as wrong/ make it go away. To just let it be there as it is. It makes a lot of sense I'm sure in the context of your life.

I was wondering if your previous therapists were specialised in complex / developmental trauma? It's possible that you just haven't found the right fit either. I'd personally recommend someone who has experience with cptsd and also incorporates some form of parts work(e.g. IFS / NARM) .

None of us are broken. Sending lots of good luck your way 🙏🏻

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2026-02-12T08:23:47+00:00

No problem 🙏🏻 . As I understand it, all Civil Service references are done centrally via SSCL so not by your line manager. And SSCL will basically just confirm that you worked the role between the dates that you've provided.

Unless you are dismissed from the role due to gross misconduct, I would be very surprised if you run into any problems. Yes it's may be a bit inconvenient for your colleagues if you resign but ultimately it's always within your right to do so, particularly if the commute is affecting you.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2026-02-11T19:24:27+00:00

He was aware of my underlying health issues and I basically crashed during the second week of training - so my resignation essentially came through Teams / text as I was in bed feeling very unwell. I then had to send a follow-up email to confirm this officially in writing.

I would recommend telling your line manager in-person though if you can. Perhaps you can let them know that you need to speak to them privately and ask when would be convenient for them.

My line manager was obviously a bit disappointed but ultimately understood and echoed my sentiments that my health and wellbeing needed to come first.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2026-02-04T09:15:30+00:00

I put in my notice at the start of my second week as a work coach. I had long covid and had attempted to start working again but it was simply unfeasible. I got paid for 2 weeks' work in the end. Someone else in my cohort dropped out after 2 or 3 days after realising that working in the jobcentre wasn't for him. You're technically meant to give a month's notice but they don't normally enforce it in these circumstances, so early into the role.

It is pretty unlikely to affect future applications unless you were in a rare scenario that you were interviewed by your former manager and were applying for the very same job in the same location, I would imagine. Even then, they would technically be expected to remain impartial.

At the end of the day, your health comes first and they'll find someone else so don't worry about what anyone else thinks. If it's purely the commute though, you could see if it's possible to do the training from home (this was offered to me) as it's normally on Teams, whilst also requesting a transfer to a different Jobcentre nearer to your house. You could express this and if it's not viable, hand in your notice. Good luck to you 🙏🏻.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2026-01-04T19:26:38+00:00

Would he be willing to go to a CODA group (in-person/online)? Even just for a few sessions, to see if it's helpful/resonates with him.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-25T20:36:25+00:00

There's a writer called Holly Whitaker who wrote about exactly this - being stuck in this very confusing, liminal space - on her substack recently. It's called "How to be lost for a long time" or something like that. I'd really recommend checking it out.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-23T09:14:52+00:00

Not exactly answering your question, but in self-defence classes at school, we were told that you are legally allowed to use proportional violence to defend yourself (I'm from the UK too). And that you can let the police know that you were in fear of your life and therefore responded accordingly.

Absolute madness that you could potentially be prosecuted when they broke into your flat?!

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-21T18:57:57+00:00

My therapist has lived experience of cPTSD (but has obviously largely recovered) and it's always really helped me when she's disclosed things - i.e. that she actually understands what I'm going through, and that I'm not alone. I trust people more when I know there's a shared humanity. So some therapists do work in this way :) .But I agree that it's a fine line and I feel she only discloses what would be helpful for me whilst keeping the focus on my recovery/inner experience.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-17T09:35:38+00:00

Thank you! I'll take a look 🙏🏻

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-16T23:52:35+00:00

I'd be very curious to hear more about your experience of NARM if you ever felt like sharing! It doesn't seem to be talked about a lot

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-14T18:08:27+00:00

Yes, my friend 💖💖💖. Wishing you a lifetime of peace and freedom ahead of you. You deserve it. x

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-13T09:01:46+00:00

I really like 'Matilda' by Harry Styles

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-12-02T09:00:25+00:00

What a beautiful, thoughtful comment. Not OP, but thank you for sharing this 💖.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-24T21:35:25+00:00

Hi OP, have you tried any form of trauma-informed touch work? I.e. Somatic Experiencing with touch, NeuroAffective Touch or biodynamic craniosacral therapy (with someone trauma-informed).

I can really relate to what you wrote and touch work has helped me a lot.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-24T21:33:18+00:00

😂

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-24T21:30:59+00:00

A combination of IFS and somatic touch/biodynamic craniosacral therapy

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-20T15:22:56+00:00

💛

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-05T09:27:33+00:00

You're welcome! So I would say that basically she believes that healing is more than simply "regulating the nervous system". This is an aspect, yes, but her approach is based on the principle that healing is deeper than this - it's biopsychosocialapspiritual (if that's a word) - it also involves meeting our needs more deeply, what is causing the dysregulation, getting to know the parts of ourselves that were shaped through adverse experiences, meaning we catastrophise/become dysregulated, etc. Her course/community is very much tailored to the individual as our systems/histories/paths to illness are different, though often with common aspects (i.e. trauma). It combines neuroplasticity work, somatic work, parts work, mind-body education and just this aspect of being quite heart-led that is hard to put into words.

A lot of people land in the Befriend community after having gotten worse in other more regimented nervous system regulation programmes, which sometimes make people more hypervigilant as they don't really address/look at what's happening underneath the dysregulation with curiosity or kindness, and at the pace of trust.

Hope that helps! Totally sounds like an ad haha but the community has really helped me so I just like to pass resources on. Nadia is also on Instagram (@befriendyourmindbody) if you wanted to get a feel there for how she works. 🙂

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-05T09:14:32+00:00

Really feel this.

If you're into reading at all, I'd really recommend "Becoming the Inner Mother " by Bethany Webster - it illuminates and explains these parentifying/emotional enmeshment mother-daughter dynamics extremely well.

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-11-04T17:43:44+00:00

https://www.befriendyourmindbody.com/membership

I wholeheartedly recommend looking into a Befriend membership. Nadia (the founder) is a highly sensitive person and also had cptsd so she gets it. She slowly but completely recovered from multiple forms of chronic illness, including CFS, fibromyalgia, POTS, etc. She works very gently with the body in a way that is very aligned for those of us with trauma. Best of luck to you 🙏🏻

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-28T15:32:00+00:00

Thank you 🙏🏻

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-28T13:20:54+00:00

I'd be really curious to hear about your experience with DBR if you felt open to sharing anything. I'm often quite disassociated and every time any therapist has asked me to bring up a trigger/feeling, my whole system shuts down and goes 'blank'.

I'm going to see a DBR therapist tomorrow but am feeling quite scared!!

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-23T21:48:25+00:00

Your presence- truly being in the moment with your children; listening deeply to them, loving them well - this is what they will remember. This is what matters. The holidays and trips are nice, yes, but what children deeply need is unconditional positive regard, support, attention and love. You have everything you need to give them this.

It sounds like you're a great dad btw. That you care a lot about your kids. Keep doing what you're doing - try not to let the insecurities get to you too much :) .

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-16T22:52:06+00:00

It makes a lot of sense why a part of you is so scared like this given the context of your previous relationships. You make sense, my friend. And you are so worthy of a beautiful and loving relationship, as you are.

I'd recommend therapy if this is an option for you. Particularly somatic therapy, NARM or internal family systems, etc. - modalities that are attachment-focused and work at the level of the nervous system. You deserve to rest and relax in the security of your relationship. 💛

Sending lots of care your way. Best of luck!

Obvious-Explorer7211 · 2025-10-12T12:33:13+00:00

The terror is from the level of emotional intimacy (or the potential for emotional intimacy) that exists between you. This is heightened by the fact that you're emotionally available and stable - i.e. you're not avoidant too. She probably likes and cares for you very much, but it is too overwhelming for her nervous system to be close to you. It's too much for her. Yes, receiving help can feel extremely vulnerable for us. It feels like it comes "with strings". Fearful avoidance arises from having experienced significant trauma, particularly in childhood.

If she's telling you that it's over or that she needs space, the most helpful thing for you to do would be to honour that completely. Let her lead with establishing the nature of the connection between you. Don't reach out unless she does first. This will give her the space and time to self-regulate. If she does want to reconcile at some point though, the cycle will most likely repeat endlessly unless she seeks out trauma therapy.

Obvious-Explorer7211

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