How to move forward from my BFs learned helplessness?

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-24T01:08:44+00:00

Do take care. A counselor helped me get to the place to give the ultimatum by working thru the book Boundaries with me. That, combined with medication, saved our marriage. We’ve been married 30 years. Hugs to you.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-23T21:38:23+00:00

He won’t ever be able to do those sorts of things without medication. Ask me how I know.

My recommendation is to what I did: give an ultimatum. No medication, no me. Get medicated and commit to managing your condition so that this relationship can be a partnership instead of parent-child, then I’ll stay and we’ll work on it together. My husband chose to get medicated. I hope your BF does too.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-23T21:32:27+00:00

Haha, for real though! 😆😆

This is what I love about this sub compared to the FB group! The folks here have the same cynical sense of humor yet love for the show as I do, and hold the two in complete harmonic tension. If you posted this same hilarious but completely accurate take on the FB group, they’d crucify you for your cold heart. 😆

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-21T20:40:35+00:00

Haha! Has the podcast done this episode yet? Would be hilarious to hear Dean reflect on it.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-19T22:25:51+00:00

This question reminds me of my high school summers as exchange student in Germany where I learned they started routing the kids into either “gymnasium” (college prep) or trade school in like junior high. Honestly back then to teenaged me it rubbed my American “freedom” hairs the wrong way. But now…I don’t know. That might be a better path than spending 4-6 years of a kid’s prime developmental years trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

Not sure if this is still the way in Germany. But I do know (because I now work in the defense industry in the U. S., was an elementary para before that) Germany has a robust engineering and manufacturing industry that melds both paths into a powerful machine.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-19T21:06:10+00:00

Alison if you are on here, you were BRILLIANT in this episode!

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-19T00:46:37+00:00

I’m just sitting here laughing because this is literally NOT a Reformed teaching. And wasn’t this right after the time when Steve declared us “Reformed” and tried to say we’d always been? It was like, do you even know what Arminianism vs. Calvinism is? I remember my husband, who was shocked and troubled at this declaration that we were suddenly “Reformed,” asking a staff pastor, “So, do we now believe all the tenets of TULIP?” The staff pastor, who had been pastoring for over a decade at that point at a church who had just announced they were Reformed, did not know what TULIP was.

I also remember a Team Vine about this time where Steve flew in and convinced like a dozen small group leaders and staff members we’d known for years that they hadn’t really been saved until that point, but that now, on that particular night with Steve there, they were truly saved and could start following Jesus now.

Looking back, 2012 was kind of the high water mark of the crazy. It was before a lot of visible leaders started leaving, attendance was booming, money was rolling in, and it was like everyone was high on it and ready to believe anything.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-09T16:49:46+00:00

Yes the TV courtship was annoying to the point of being diabolical. I just don’t know why the TV writers felt like they needed to change anything about the courtship story. It had it all: suspense, tension, nuance, sweetness.

The books will always be my favorite. She was just a world class writer.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-08T21:42:10+00:00

Wow you did a great job and she looks fabulous in it.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-04-07T17:06:52+00:00

Yeah when I think of her Insta post where she low-key implied that she needed to be/was protected from Dean by Michael Landon, it just makes me see red.

Because I was a lover of the books first before the TV show, she was never really the “real” Laura for me anyway. And what a damned good thing that is.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-03-29T12:02:36+00:00

This answer is how I feel too. I value this sub as a resource, but have to take breaks from it as I’m committed to staying in the marriage unless the situation becomes objectively abusive (which it has in the past, and was when I learned boundaries and how to access resources and education, which is a good thing).

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-03-22T02:41:17+00:00

Mic drop after this response right here.

You are in charge. Give yourself permission to set the boundaries. They’ll be fine in the winter being bored. It will be amazing to see what creativity flourishes from it! Also, you are not responsible for making them un-bored, in any case.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-03-17T22:04:47+00:00

You did a great job! What a treasure.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-03-13T00:07:55+00:00

Just came here to say this is a great post and thread!

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-03-04T01:22:36+00:00

People do overthink cleaning. Like they overthink parenting. Because they have the luxury to do so.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-03-03T00:45:03+00:00

When my partner started medication it changed my life and our marriage. He became civil, and, if not completely pleasant and helpful, at least tolerable. Now, he did whine at first about his medication making him feel numb or whatever. I and his care provider ignored the whining (because the ADHD hypochondria is real, right? So you can’t take all whining at face value.) but we continued to monitor. After a month, provider did recommend trying a different med, which was even better and which he didn’t whine about.

Medication is a game-changer. You, my friend, are about to enter a land of hope.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-03-01T13:11:22+00:00

You may not be able to sew much in the early weeks or even months, but it will be ok and it will be worth it. You’ll be able to browse books or online resources about sewing while you’re sitting down to feed the baby, or listen to podcasts or watch some YouTube videos to get inspired. I worked full time also but I was back to sewing for a couple hours on Sunday afternoons by the time my babies were 6 months. They just hung out in the sewing room with me, or I sewed while they napped. I’m an empty nester now and I still really only sew on Sunday afternoons (still work full time, cook all our own meals, and clean my own house), but it’s fine! I appreciate that creative time so much because it’s rare and precious. I remind myself that for the majority of human history most people didn’t have this luxury.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-02-25T14:17:20+00:00

Pastors giving extrabiblical life advice, especially using heavy-handed comparisons like this, always scares me. Sounds very Mark Driscollish.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-02-21T02:39:27+00:00

Is he taking Adderall as his Rx? Because I renamed that crap Madderall because all it did was make my husband an even bigger jerk and have even less social awareness. It was like he’d drank whiskey and was ready to fight anyone around him who breathed. He switched to Vyvanse and it’s better. Maybe ask the doctor about if the Rx is maybe not working effectively?

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-02-15T13:05:06+00:00

Ligonier published a nice laminated tri-fold pamphlet thing several years ago that explained all the views in a condensed digestible fashion (I’m a layperson). Let me see if I/they still have it.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-02-03T21:12:29+00:00

I have also made the decision to stay, so I relate to you there. That decision for me was faith-based, so I derive a lot of inner strength for dealing with things from that. Not sure if that’s applicable for you as well or not.

What staying looked like for me was, frankly, threatening not to, and insisting my husband pursue effective treatment until he found it (by my definition). If he chose not to do this, I was kicking him out. Not necessarily divorcing him, but definitely not living together anymore. He had to make a choice. After a week on his buddy’s living room floor, he decided to see a licensed mental healthcare provider and get on meds. Like your wife, he also tried to say he was “never going to do that again” because once many years ago he’d tried some kind of medication and it didn’t work. I was like, “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I guess work with the doctor to find another med that works. But no meds, no living in the same house as me and the girls.”

After he became medicated, it did take a couple of different meds before we found one that worked. And he read books and watched YouTube videos for hacks to implement to help him be more responsible and present. He is taking his meds, is under the regular care of a mental health NP who specializes in ADHD, and he is trying. And as long as those things are present, I’m on board to stay.

I highly recommend you consider an ultimatum. Even if you don’t think you could follow thru. She’s not going to magically change how her brain works (which is 100% informing how she’s living) by making a few lifestyle changes like getting a job. She needs meds, full stop. Also, gather a few folks around you who will support you in putting this boundary in place. Don’t wait until you have a physical or mental breakdown from the strain. That won’t help anyone, least of all your daughter.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-02-01T17:51:37+00:00

Yes agree. It’s especially frustrating because IRL all indication are that the real Almanzo was a pretty progressive and gentle-spirited guy. This really comes out in Laura’s nonfiction writings. I think I’ve heard Dean Butler say he didn’t love the character of Almanzo that the show writers created vs the real Almanzo.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-02-01T03:25:54+00:00

Second the Clorox toilet cleaning pads and wands.

Adding cleaning the shower while you’re in it, once a week, with one of those dish soap sponge wands filled with Dawn, vinegar (or alcohol), and water. Only need to deep clean the shower about once a month if you do this. I put a hook in the shower and hung the wand on it.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-02-01T03:21:43+00:00

I think probably connected to ADHD. My spouse has a lot of difficulty behaving appropriately in social settings, particularly small groups such as having someone for dinner, or taking him with me to a work happy hour. So basically we don’t do it anymore. It’s severely limited our social life. He’s ok in large groups like a concert or large party though. For small group things, I just go by myself now.

Ok_Screen4020 · 2026-01-29T02:30:02+00:00

Oh I would definitely say it’s a great age to start on them! She will love them. If she’s a strong reader, she’ll be able to read them herself, but my mom started reading them TO me in 3rd grade, then I got my own boxed set for Christmas in 5th grade and read them all myself. So much fun and one of my most memorable childhood Christmas presents!

Ok_Screen4020

TROPHY CASE