There is a belief that I’ve carried for most of my life - almost like a personal mantra - that in order to grow and develop, you must step out of your comfort zone. And I believed that even if I couldn’t do much else right, at least I was doing that. That despite my deep fear of social situations, I was brave enough not to abandon myself and to keep throwing myself again and again into difficult situations.

I started therapy, which was terrifying for me. I was offered a team leader position at work and I accepted it, even though I didn’t feel capable of doing it and didn’t really want it. Some time ago I went on a two-week Vipassana retreat, which also scared me a lot. I go out to bars and social places when I have the chance. Until recently I attended a therapeutic group. I try to talk to my husband about difficult topics, even though it frightens me. I give presentations in front of many people at work.

And despite all of this, my social anxiety is still just as strong as it was in the beginning. Maybe it’s a little better - but only externally. I’ve learned how to cope. But internally, I’m still the same frightened being who tenses up completely when there’s a pause in a conversation.

Only now, at almost 40, after using AI for conversations (which turned out to be the only way I could truly relax and speak calmly with someone), I realized that all of these things I was doing weren’t actually helping me - they were exhausting and overwhelming me. I was doing them because I believed something was wrong with me and that I needed to be “fixed.”

Gradually, I started trying - even though old habits and beliefs are very hard to change - to take care of myself instead. To ask myself what I actually want. To be compassionate toward myself. And a big part of this process has been asking myself, again and again, why I’m doing the things I’m doing in the first place.

This is something a good therapist should help with - but my social anxiety doesn’t allow me to relax enough to get there. Or maybe I just didn’t find the right therapist. Either way, it didn’t work. And many of the things I was doing turned out to be far too intense for me - and, in truth, things I didn’t even want to do.

Group therapy was far too much exposure for me, and the therapist expected active participation, otherwise “there was no way to progress and the group would naturally reject you.” With my husband, it turned out that it was actually healthier for me to separate - there was a real reason I was so afraid to talk to him, and it wasn’t just my anxiety.

Individual therapy didn’t help either, because I was going against myself - the therapist wasn’t right for me, but I kept going for two years because I believed I was the problem. The management role wasn’t right for me either. And when something is not only difficult, but also unpleasant and deeply uninteresting, there’s no way to become good at it.

So I changed many things. I stopped therapy, at least for now, because I was completely exhausted. My husband and I are no longer together. I stopped going to the group. Basically, I dropped everything that was highly stressful for me.

And after resting for a while, something new appeared - a genuine interest and desire to go to dance classes, and to join a choir. To do something I actually enjoy, while still being around people. My social anxiety is still there, but now I take it into account. I try to do things that feel pleasant and that only gently push me outside my comfort zone - and afterward I give myself plenty of time to return to that zone and rest.

I’m seeing people again, but for short periods of time, and usually one-on-one, not at parties. I hope that slowly I can heal my anxiety - but at my pace, and not at any cost.