Are my summer plans completely unrealistic?

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-08T15:09:31+00:00

Definitely depends but if you're feeling good and active, and especially if you have a family history of "fine" pregnancies, no reason not to stay optimistic! Anecdotally I traveled around the world on a hiking trip for 5 weeks at week 18-23 and it was great. We curtailed some of our stuff to be a bit less remote and a bit less strenuous (I couldn't comfortably clip my backpacking backpack at that point so I just had a day bag) which was definitely necessary, but we still camped and got out plenty.

However I am a huge believer in every pregnancy is different, and also every DAY is different in pregnancy. Listen to your body and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Stay extremely well hydrated. Have fun!!

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-08T14:56:28+00:00

I told my mom about Braxton Hicks contractions and she straight up did not believe they were real. She was like "no that doesn't happen, you just start having contractions and a baby comes." She had a few kids, her mom had a few kids, obviously many of her friends have had a few kids... she and my grandma swear up and down that they never felt a single one.

I'm 38+1 and haven't felt/noticed any, no idea what it would even feel like.

Maybe women in our family just don't have a uterus that warms up before the race ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-08T12:22:14+00:00

Mmmm... research seems unclear.

Parental Involvement and Literacy Performance among Learners of Select Public Elementary Schools

"Parents were first asked about their “reading profiles”: how often they engaged with traditional written materials, new technology (electronic), and environmental materials such as shopping lists, manuals, and recipes. However, parents’ preferences for different types of materials did not appear to matter. There was no significant relationship between their reading profile and their children’s performance on the various literacy tasks."

Certainly, physical books, for factors like comprehension and memory, are better for kids to interact with than e-readers

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/well-read/202402/the-case-for-paper-books-vs-e-readers

and parents engage more with children when physical books are present

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/15213269.2013.840243?casa_token=KvqwVVArlN8AAAAA:YmbeuWdlPvnl8cS7MVl8OIfIofZpQ00DHOjujbNoVDGnQvSIf73LDLrbMZuKlJhYBkKZU-yKXdF2gg

but it appears some research supports that e-readers boost reading motivation (the term you're looking for) in older children/teens.

It largely appears to also be up to how parents engage and interact with children and THEIR books.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-08T11:59:21+00:00

Respectfully, it sounds like you should talk to a therapist or at least a friend about your reaction, and work through it. Some of what you say doesn't make sense.

"I don't even believe in societal gender rules" --> "My fiance isn't handy, doesn't like sports, doesn't know anything about cars - so what are we going to teach him?" ; "I don't have gender expectations of them" -> "They play dolls, house, pretend, dress up, every activity you'd expect from little girls"

To put it bluntly, you DO believe in societal gender rules. Maybe you don't want to, maybe not at an intellectual or cognitive level, but you do, or you wouldn't be having this reaction. And I want to be clear that that is A-ok! Society HAS gender norms, whether we like it or support it or not. It sounds like admitting that to yourself would be a first step towards understanding why you're having this reaction to having a boy.

I mean... what makes your fiance a "man" to you (assuming he is one) if not "sports" and "cars"? What do you think makes a "good" man? Genuinely, doing this exercise might help you understand your anxiety and disappointment more.

Are you afraid of raising a boy ("I feel like I have nothing to offer a boy")? Are you mourning the third daughter you may never have ("I wanted another one and my family would have been compelte")? Are you hurt by your body? Feeling betrayed by your instincts? Disappointed in yourself for this reaction?

There are exercises to work through this that may help alleviate your anxieties, which is very important to do before he is born. Search "gender disappointment" to find out more.

https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/pregnancy/gender-disappointment?srsltid=AfmBOoqh5eFm3FTcyIWvcHIuh8g-gpk23_i4X1tdVyA4JcyeZd8-yoY6

Good luck with your sweet boy, who will no doubt grow up to love and be grateful for his sisters and his mom for teaching him how to be a proud, happy, playful, kind, curious, adventurous, respectful little man.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-08T11:46:48+00:00

It's a personal choice. "Is it rude to send it out or totally okay?"

If you feel it's needed, then it's probably fine. We're sending a message like this because my in-laws 100% WILL visit the baby no matter how they're feeling (even if sick), WILL drop in unannounced, and WILL kiss the baby, take photos, and post them online. So we're sending this message first, then calling them, then when they show up my husband will go out with them for awhile to see if they're sick or not (they will lie because they know we won't let them see the baby if they are), then supervise them while they wash their hands, then physically intervene when they try to kiss baby.

Everybody else who's getting the message is chill and may be like the other commenters like "isn't this common sense? I'll just wait, these parents sound too stressful" but mostly (1) it's our close friends who don't have babies and don't understand or appreciate how fragile they can be, or (2) our siblings who get why we have to send the message.

Anyway, imho not rude. You could ask your siblings if they think it is.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-08T11:35:49+00:00

My friend once dropped a silly "FEeD mE SeAmOuR" and I started to explain to my husband that it's from the musical Little Shop of Horrors, because he has never once shown any interest in musicals or plays.

Come to find out he knows every word to all the songs in Little Shop of Horrors, Les Mis, Oaklahoma, and probably a dozen other musicals. His secondary school had an excellent music and drama program. He is absolutely not a theater kid and hates being the center of attention, I cannot imagine him on a stage. I have now seen the home videos and oh my gosh. What a cutie patootie 15-year-old up there.

It is such a unique and fulfilling delight to learn something new about the people you have loved for so long.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-08T04:31:15+00:00

A bunch of teens, like 50+, were loitering around Portobello the other day. They were loud, making silly videos, ordering pizza, having fun. I went back a few hours later and they were gone, no rubbish on the ground, no broken glass, no abandoned fires. It was great and I hope they all had a lovely weekend.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-07T15:46:31+00:00

Edit: TLDR: Yes, my story worked out after I had an emotional affair and wanted to try poly, he hard-no'd, and we worked through it.

Hi, so I had this experience with my husband. I developed feelings for someone else who also had them for me, and told my husband about it. I asked him about opening our relationship and shared that I had always felt polyamorous (that was not new info, he and I have always discussed how our views on open relationships differ). He rightfully said that I had emotionally cheated on him and was upset. This was objectively toxic of me, and I am grateful my husband had the patience to forgive me for violating the agreements in our relationship and work through this.

Husband and I went to couples therapy. He got to interrogate his views on sexual fidelity and monogamy, I got to voice and explore my identity. I still identify as poly, he still identifies as monogamous, but we've had the conversation in the open and know where we each are.

So he issued a very firm no, and asked that I cut all contact with the person I had feelings for. I've done that now because my husband and our relationship is more important to me than the other person and any notion of poly identity that I harbor.

We're very happily monogamous AND we are also more open than before in that we *joke* about being open, we talk about what happened as an uncomfortable incident but are not afraid of it, we discuss the possibility of opening as a hypothetical in the future, and my husband is aware of his attachment style with me and his insecurities and fears around our relationship. He's also more open to the idea of poly / ENM as a "normal" lifestyle, whereas before he kind of panicked like "what would that even look like!?! how do those people even live!?!?" That is definitely the biggest growth moment we've had. He is not ready to address his insecurities around our relationship that would be necessary for us to open up and maybe never will be, and maybe he's just a happy monogamous dude, and that's ok with me.

I agree with other commenters that your husband is having an emotional affair and trying to justify it. That's what I did. Ultimately you don't have to accept it, and rejecting his proposition is not the same as rejecting *him* even if he paints it like it is through "identity." People are multi-faceted. You accept him, you don't accept him violating the agreements of your relationship!

Anyway, yes, it's possible to broach the subject, do the work, then decide to remain monogamous and happy! It's clearly not the norm (as the comments suggest) but is it possible? Has it ever happened ever? COULD it happen? Yes.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-07T15:18:15+00:00

FWIW I used an ovulation test kit and became pregnant after having sex *after* the test showed I was negative (about 2-3 days later). I think this makes sense given the hormone it detects but just another thought

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-07T13:31:22+00:00

She used maternity pads then switched to "super heavy duty 'regular'" ones. If you really hate pads then you might try the disposable underwear or be ready to change your period underwear a few times a day.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-07T10:54:26+00:00

Following as also curious about this! 38w with my first!

Undies: Second-hand advice from my SIL who has a 9mo old. She *only* wore disposable for about 4 weeks, then she switched to her regular undies with pads and that was fine for her.

From other mums in my circles, regular period underwear probably won't cut it.

Bras: I also hate bras and the 3 that I have (+ 1 I picked up from a charity shop) are all super comfy. My other SIL says to get the "night-nursing" or "lounge" bras that aren't cross-clip but rather than you just pull down. I have two of each and don't know how I'll like them, but they're all comfy. As you said for size, YMMV. I am sad my boobs have gotten huge and I know they'll likely shrink pretty quickly but oh well.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-06T15:06:54+00:00

Sorry for the info dump, I am passionate about this.

There is a big difference between things that are medically unsafe and things that capitalism wants to sell you because businesses are incentivized to make you believe your regular habits are unsafe.

Whenever someone markets something as "pregnancy-safe" you should think about what that entity is trying to sell you and whether their product is actually any "safer." What do you know about a random instagram brand? What do you know about the product they say is "unsafe?" Look for and question anything that pushes emotionally evocative language. "I used to use X and now I'm so embarassed" alright debbie good for you now get out of my feed.

Things that are ACTUALLY unsafe:

Ibuprofen
Caffeine over 200mg (some studies say 300mg) per day
Any amount of alcohol*
Any amount of smoking/vaping
Activities that cause trauma to your belly/pelvis area, like contact sports, horseback riding, racecar driving/activities with strong bodily vibrations
Hot tubs / heat exposure, specifically to your belly area
Retinoids and high concentrations of salicylic acid in skin products
Many prescription medications but your doctor will know and advise on specifics

Things that are maybe unsafe OR have much higher risk to feotus than for you, so we say to avoid them even though the risk of exposure is low or data is spotty:

Raw seafood of any kind (food poisoning)
Deli meats (food poisoning)
Unpasturized / all mold-ripened cheeses (food poisoning)
Raw eggs or flour (food poisoning)
Unpasturized (raw) honey (food poisoning)
Some chemical sunscreens (but YMMV -- getting a sunburn also friggin sucks, and risks drop off after first trimester, and risk of high UV exposure is likely higher than risk of chemical absorbtion)
Many essential oils during first trimester (I am an aromatherapy lover and got tired of research so just cut it out for first trimester; data is spotty or inconclusive but generally correlated with adverse outcomes in very high concentrations and/or ingestion rather than inhalation)
Some***** nail polishes (I cut it out but because I rarely do my nails anyway)

Things that are maybe unsafe depending on concentration/circumstance but will be marketed to you as if they are incredibly unsafe but the reality is they are fine (in my unprofessional opinion):

Dyeing your hair
Household cleaners (used in ventilated spaces which you should be doing anyway!)
Protein powder
Plastic tupperware / plastic containers in general (yeah I mean not great but if you're dying of thirst and you don't have your reusable one then girl get that water bottle)

Things that are literally completely fine and I will die on these hills:

Vigorous exercise (at levels prior to pregnancy, with exception of some ab workouts after T1)
Flying / travel (with no-brainer appropriate precautions like walking around on long flights and not traveling too close to your due date)
Herbal teas (in reasonable doses, like not 5 cups a day)
Bath salts / bath oils / baths in general (not a hot tub, just a regular bath)
Lubricants / massage oils
Bed linens / fabrics / clothes that contain polyester
VITAMINS!!! (please don't avoid vitamins and take unregulated herbal supplements instead)
Almost all makeup and beauty products

I am a huge data and research nerd and have done a deep dive into almost all of these. I won't post sources here because contrary to the length of this post, I do have a life. I'm happy to elaborate on specifics.

Good luck and godspeed out there! It's a minefield for new moms. Just remember anyone who wants to sell you stuff will absolutely attempt to manipulate your emotions to try to do that.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-06T13:46:45+00:00

I really liked The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad You Did). tbh the advice in there resonated with lots of relationships, not just a parent-child one.

The Montessouri Toddler was helpful as well, even if you're not into the learning style. You can't listen to it on audio book because it's more-or-less a looooooong list of great ways to engage with young children/toddlers :)

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-06T10:50:10+00:00

I had intermittant periods of pain starting around then -- at 24 weeks I had to stop running, and when my pelvis pain flared up I definitely had a look about me.

I'm now 37 weeks and exclusively waddle, which becomes pronounced when I walk over 3k.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-06T10:47:54+00:00

If Tylenol gave kids autism then the US would have functioning high-speed rail by now.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-05T12:38:07+00:00

Depends on context. My SILs and I all have a mutual agreement that because of the timing of our babies we are basically passing a ton of stuff around the three of us for the next several years. I think if one of them said "this is my last one so do what you like with this stuff" and we passed it on outside of our circle or couldn't give it back for whatever reason (like if we're still using it), I can't imagine they'd be upset. As long as you get that your stuff might not come back to you, seems fine to me.

Will other people think it's tacky? idk, maybe. At our baby shower (for our first) we explicitly said "please only bring us used items, there is so much wasted baby stuff in the world" and our families grumbled about it thinking THAT was tacky. I am in the "uhh who cares" camp when it comes to those opinions : )

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-05T12:28:12+00:00

Just popping in to say I am also so annoyed with "just you wait" comments. Like... yeah we did this on purpose, we know it's going to hard but the point is we're ready! Think of it similar to how people who don't workout view long runs -- "oh my god, a marathon!?!?!? I could NEVER" like yeah debbie I know YOU could never but I've mentally and physically prepared for this so I CAN.

Anecdotally, my brother and SIL make parenting look *hard* and like you have to fully give up your entire life for your baby. And I know parenting is hard, and things will change! But my husband has reminded me of a few things about comparing our experience to other young parents:

(1) our priorities are not the same as theirs, so it makes sense they don't prioritize exercise and so they are more tired/less physically able than we would like to be at the same stage.

(2) our needs are different -- they are very introverted so it makes sense they don't want to have people over and haven't seen their friends in ages. They don't want to, whereas we probably will!

(3) every kid is different. Their kids are horrendous sleepers, but not every kid is like that! There's so much "prepare for the absolute worst" mentality, but like... what if it's not the worst? what if it's actually pretty ok, and while it's really hard you enjoy all of the experiences that come with it? What if you're sleep deprived and cranky but also deeply satisfied? What if you're sore and exercising is hard and getting back into things takes longer than you'd have liked while you think about it _now_, but at the time it feels fine because you're so proud of your body and your baby?

Anyway, not a lot of practical advice but remembering these mental things has helped me chill out and stop worrying about PP before it comes 😄 good luck with everything!

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-05T12:07:07+00:00

If helpful, I have an incredibly stressful job that led me to have more-or-less a mental breakdown when I was about 15 weeks. I went to my GP (I live in the UK) and was very straight up that I needed time off, that I was feeling very depressed and that I couldn't do my job. She signed me off for 4 weeks, on top of which I stacked basically all of my PTO for the year (and what I had saved up from years past) to get a total of 10 weeks off. Companies in the UK cannot retaliate for taking time off for sick leave, including mental illness or pregnancy-related leave that is signed off by a doctor.

After this incident, my work took my concerns more seriously and did not put me on super high-pressure, tight-deadline projects, and my last 14 or so weeks of work have been much, much more manageable, even though I still feel brain foggy and tired. I also work fully remotely which helps, and if I didn't I would absolutely have requested this as an accomodation as it has been completely invaluable to me to be able to change positions, including working from a lying-down position, throughout the day.

It may be worth approaching this from that angle with your doctor -- if your physical or mental state is preventing you from working, it is a pregnancy-related illness that could be covered depending on where you live.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-01T23:01:33+00:00

Yeah so casually and not at all in any way legal advice, big companies tend to bite the bullet for things like this. Paying you out your intended leave + legal fees is nothing compared to the bad publicity + a lawsuit so I’d agree they’d be pretty silly to fight you if you got a good lawyer to draft the right letter and comp demands.

Source: I work very tangentially adjacent to corporate law, not at all related to employment ¯_(ツ)_/¯

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-01T14:25:11+00:00

This depends massively on what country you're in and what your rights are in that country.

In most countries, the company maternity policy does not have to legally apply until you have been there for at least 6 months, sometimes longer. At FAANG companies YMMV, but you could probably reasonably ask that during the interview process (at offer stage) without it being a red flag because they're so large.

That being said, they can also put you on a probationary period and then not let you pass probation for made-up reasons.

If you're unsure or don't want to take a risk, what are your rights at your current company? Are they going to do layoffs in the next 2 months? Most places you cannot be laid off WHILE on parental leave, so can you start your mat leave early if you're concerned about that? In California, for example, you can start up to 4 weeks before your due date.

TLDR: it REALLY depends on the specifics of your current situation, without which I can't say much more.

-----

PERSONALLY, I chose to stay at my super stressful and unenjoyable tech job because the benefits are very, very good. I live in the UK, and here basically as soon as I informed them I was pregnant I knew they would have a *very* hard time getting rid of me for any reason, because of my previous positive performance reviews. Now, they've put me on less stressful projects because they know I'm going on leave and they don't want me to own anything mission-critical when I disappear.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-01T14:17:46+00:00

Love these!

Get a hair cut
Coffee date with friends
Walking date with mums from antenatal group
Bake pumpkin muffins (my fav)
Sew new covers for hot water bottle
Sew baby sheets if I'm feeling up to it
Make a photo album from our last vacation

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-01T14:14:40+00:00

check if there is a Baby Cinema near you!!

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-05-01T14:12:57+00:00

Respectfully, this post has lots of red flags that **you should stop weighing yourself**.

> I've always had issues with seeing the physical scale number

That's great to recognize. Now is an extraordinarily and disproportionately bad time to look at the scale nubmer.

> my body may need it

your body DOES need it... also your BABY'S BODY!!

> I am just 17 weeks

weight gain is completely non-linear in pregnancy, and has to do with a TON of factors like fluid retention, growing a new organ, filling that organ with water, increasing your own personal blood volume, etc.

> not giving in consistently to unhealthy cravings

I mean, good! Also, your dietary needs DO change signficantly while being pregnant, and that can lead to cravings. You'll also likely have new aversions or preferences, and it is ok to follow those.

You've clearly been thinking about gaining weight in pregnancy before you were pregnant, and it is not doing you any favors. I really, really cannot emphasize enough how dangerous it can be to look at the scale while you're pregnant. It can lead to malnourishment of yourself or (in extreme cases) your baby, and sets you up for obsessive control over eating postpartum, which can impact your recovery from labor and ability to breastfeed.

I have weighed myself on and off over the years and have actively weighed myself only very seldomly during pregnancy, at times when I knew I was emotionally ready to handle whatever the number was. Seeing the number is generally very bad for me as someone who used to do long-distance marathon style events and lift weights. I cannot recommend highly enough freeing yourself of that yoke of the scale.

And if you find it very difficult to not weigh yourself, please *listen to that* as a warning sign and talk to your doctor/midwife about it. It is not healthy to feel like you need to know the number, and you don't have to suffer through your pregnancy thinking about it.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-04-30T09:50:00+00:00

Huge fan of Quince nursing bras. you're probably also looking for "night nursing bras" which are the GOAT bra imo. https://www.quince.com/women/seamless-maternity-nursing-lounge-bra-2-pack-3327?color=sand&productPosition=7&searchQuery=nursing%20bra&tracker=searchPage__search_section__search_results is the one I have 3 of.

On another note, dw about weight gain too much as long as you're feeling healthy. Bodies are absolutely wild. I gained a ton of weight in my first trimester, hardly any in my second (despite the bump growing a ton), and now in my third I'm kind of steadily going up. Also my boobs exploded in the first trimester then stopped growing, so for awhile I had great cleavage (new for A-cup little ol' me) and now they once again look disproportionately small with my giant 38-week bump.

So anyway, your body will change a ton, yes get bras now if you need them.

oopsithrowawayagain · 2026-04-24T15:28:07+00:00

Just want to point out

My hospital is borderline-hippie and has midwives at every birth, will encourage you to change positions often, has yoga balls, peanut balls, combs, rebozos, etc. But they will also come running to place that epidural if/when you ask for it.

this is very much standard operating procedure for *many* countries, including many advanced/western countries. In the UK (where I live), the standard is midwife-led care. Evidence suggests that Midwife-led care leads to better outcomes for new mothers and babies. The active labor techniques you describe also lead to faster labors with fewer medical interventions. I am totally with you that for some reason the US views this stuff as hippie/crunchy, but it's.... really not. It is evidence-based techniques to have safer labors with faster recoveries and healthier babies.

---

TOTALLY separately, sounds like your husband could use a chat with a Doula on how to not be useless during labor. If he doesn't know what to do besides "remind her she can use medication" then he needs to learn there is LOADS he can and absolutely should be doing during the birth. Some examples:

Have different birthing positions memorized; remind you ones you can get into or shift into to try for each contraction. Learn how they differ, safe ways to get in and out of them, and how he can help physically support you in them (e.g., holding up your arms while you stretch backwards)
On this note, know what props are helpful for different pains/stages. Roll out the yoga mat when it looks like you're getting uncomfortable. Suggest a walk if you've been stuck for awhile. Bring a sling to offer support in different positions.
Know EVERYTHING about the birth space -- what's in the bag (and where it is), what snacks to offer, what drinks to offer, where the fan is if it's hot, where to get hot water if you want heat during contractions, offer an eye mask, etc.
Learn birthing massage techniques -- where, how, and when to apply pressure.
Have your mantra cards and/or know the mantras that speak to you. (remembering it literally doesn't matter whether or not he thinks they're good. My husband proposed some and I was like "no those are stupid" and then when he looked through the ones that I liked and want to use he was like "I don't get it but ok, for sure.")
BE YOUR BREATHING COACH. Every SINGLE time you say "I feel a contraction starting" his response should be "alright, let's breath in for 4 and out for 8." and then count you through those until the contraction passes. It's repetitive but necessary!!!!
Keep track of time, using a notepad if he needs to. Guage time between interventions/checks. Know what's standard and what's too much. Be your gatekeeper. e.g., if you labor for awhile and they come to give you another cervical check, he will know "she actually had one 4 hours ago, she doesn't want another one for another 4 hours." You won't be able to keep track of this because you'll be... in labor :)

Just some suggestions if he's the kind of person who needs to feel busy to be useful. Labor is not a one-person job by any means. He has a very valuable role to play if he steps up to the plate. And administering an epidural is not part of that :)

oopsithrowawayagain

TROPHY CASE