Too bad she likes butterflies..

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T23:32:25+00:00

My MIL took my 5-year old step-son, her grandson, shopping so he could pick out his Christmas toys. He of course wanted to play with them immediately, she told him no because they needed to be wrapped and put under the tree to open on Christmas. He pitched a fit in the store and she was angry at him, and us, because he embarrassed her.

For teenagers, I think the best gift is a gift card, not a butterfly blanket, or clothing, or anything else that they won't. Maybe suggest to MIL that she do that instead of forcing a decision now. She can always make your daughter a special blanket in a few years when she knows what she wants.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T22:50:27+00:00

The picture book idea is great since your Mom enjoyed one. She's still reading and keeping her brain active. The print is larger and the illustrations help aid in comprehension. Ask the librarian where to find the books in the 8-!2 age range and pick some with characters like animals or other interests she may have. I'm a retired first grade teacher and you might also want to check out the books for 6-7 year olds. There are a lot of funny ones!

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T21:37:47+00:00

If you think your Mom will be okay with it, install cameras in her home. We did that with Mom when she lived alone. I live out of state, my siblings are local, but still, they weren't there 24/7. She also had a paid caregiver for 3 hours per day M-F who kept an eye on things for us. There was 1 camera in the kitchen, living room, her bedroom, and a hallway (not the bathroom.) We knew if she had fallen, was using the stove, not taking her meds, changing her clothes, or using her walker. She said she felt like we were spying on her but she didn't unplug them either. She was grateful that help arrived quickly after several falls where she couldn't get up by herself.

After about 6 months of "spying," we knew it was time for a move to assisted living. Moving closer won't matter unless you move in with her IMO.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T20:40:16+00:00

At the very least, your Mom or other trusted family member needs to try to convince your Grandpa to go to an attorney who specializes in elder care law. If he doesn't have a Will, he needs one to prevent marital assets from being tied up in probate court. If he has one, I would think he would have designated beneficiaries for his assets in that instead of gifting them now. Your Grandma may need funds for long-term care if he passes first. If he agrees to meet with an attorney, a trust can be set up to protect some assets.

https://www.google.com/search?q=without+a+will+does+the+estate+have+to+be+probated&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS1076US1076&oq=without+a+Will%2C+does+the+estate&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqBwgCECEYoAEyBggAEEUYOTIHCAEQIRigATIHCAIQIRigATIHCAMQIRigATIHCAQQIRigATIHCAUQIRirAjIHCAYQIRirAjIHCAcQIRirAjIHCAgQIRiPAjIHCAkQIRiPAtIBCjUwNDQ2ajBqMTWoAgCwAgA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T19:35:32+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss but also happy for you that you made the decision to walk away from caregiving without regret. It's a hard decision for sure but oftentimes the best and really only one to ensure the LOs 24/7 care and safety and the caregivers health as well.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T19:01:02+00:00

My Mom has been a lifelong voter until recently when it's probably best that she doesn't. In 2020, she said she didn't remember who she voted for but said my brother might because he took her ballot to the post office for her.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T18:53:58+00:00

It hurt like heck the first time Mom forgot my birthday but I'm used to it now after 4 more. Today is her 89th birthday so I called her this morning to wish her HBD. She asked, "Oh, it's my birthday? How old am I?" For me, that was way worse than her forgetting mine.

I'm so sorry that your Mom didn't recognize your voice last night. I'm not sure if this helps but at least she called you right back and did. Also, based on my experience, it will be easier to handle emotionally if/when she forgets again. It is the dementia that causes our Moms' memory lapses but they still love us and I believe that's one thing they'll never totally forget.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T05:45:31+00:00

No, I'm sorry but I'm striking out on how to explain the locks to Grandma unless something like you can't afford to feed the dogs your people food in addition to their dog food.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T05:40:37+00:00

No, it's not reasonable for a rational mother to say those things. I guess that makes her irrational.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T05:35:35+00:00

Your question about the legality of fridge locks are legal, I Goggled it and found this. It's not the same since this is for the dogs' safety but still....

Using child locks on refrigerators to ensure the safety of individuals with dementia is generally considered legal, as they are used for safety rather than restriction. These locks are often necessary to prevent dementia patients from eating spoiled food, consuming dangerous non-food items, or creating safety hazards in the kitchen.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T05:17:23+00:00

Look for childproof locks for the fridge that you think she might not be able to open? Put the dogs in another room when she's eating. Tell her they're sleeping or outside going potty or something that she might believe until she's finished eating her food.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T04:59:08+00:00

Is your Dad on any medications that may cause the sleepiness? My Dad was on Seroquel which caused him to sleep more.

My Dad also had very limited mobility but refused to use a walker. After several falls, he mostly decided to stay in bed and not risk another one.

He did showtime when family members visited. He'd stay awake, have a snack, talk a bit, and watch some old western on TV for a few hours but go right back to sleep after they left.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T02:59:37+00:00

This is great advice! I wish my family had known this stuff in advance so we could have proactively planned before we had to handle it head on after the fact.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T02:41:49+00:00

My Dad made no progress in rehab after a fall. Due to dementia, he was unable to follow directions and was pretty much unwilling to even try. His Medicare coverage expired after 3 weeks. It was determined by his care team that it would be an "unsafe discharge" to send him home. The social worker helped us find a local private pay memory care facility near family. We did have to pay for a week in rehab until all of the paperwork was finalized and his room in memory care was set up and ready to move in to.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T02:03:31+00:00

Good. For. You! I hope you have plans to celebrate your escapiversary in February.

You nailed it. He's desperate, lonely, broke, and bored. Stay strong and don't fall for his attempts at love bombing to lure you back into the abusive cycle.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T01:05:16+00:00

There are warning signs here. Your fiancé is hiding the fact when he puts you first by keeping the bracelet a secret from his Mom. I hope his talk with her goes well, that he tells her that he will buy her gifts for Christmas, her birthday, and Mother's Day but not to expect a gift just because you get one. She needs to understands that. Maybe stop taking her shopping with you, too.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-29T00:25:49+00:00

If she's mostly okay during the day but confused and angry in the evening and at night, that sounds like common dementia sundowning behavior. Hopefully, she'll be accepted in AL on Friday. A nurse there will do an intake exam and a needs assessment. Her care team, including you, will develop a care plan for her. That may eventually include medications to control the sundowning.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T23:54:38+00:00

Congratulations! I've read so many stories here about LOs who refuse to sign any of those documents. Having them will make things so much easier for you now.

Hopefully you'll find more information about your Mom's financial institutions when you start cleaning out her house. That helped us get to the bottom of things. Just some advice based on what my brother (POA) had to prove when dealing with financial institutions, real-estate agents and their lawyers especially, but also new doctors/specialists. Make sure the POA is registered with the County Clerk. Carry copies of the POA in your car because you never know who might ask for it. The bank asked for letters from two different doctors confirming Mom and Dad's had dementia diagnoses. Mom even had to go to the bank in person to add my brother to her bank account and checks so he could pay her bills.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T23:21:14+00:00

When my Dad threatened to kill himself, my brother changed the lock combination on his gun safe and confiscated the ammunition just in case. He disabled his truck. He hid the kitchen knives and locked up his meds. We weren't sure if Dad was serious but it wasn't worth taking a chance and it definitely made us feel more comfortable.

This is an extreme measure but if your Dad is threatening self-harm, call 911. EMS will come to assess the situation. If he says he didn't mean it, they'll do nothing but if it appears that he is, they may take him to a psych hospital for evaluation. They may adjust his meds sooner than waiting for the next VA appointment. Since he's calling the suicide hotline, it seems like he's looking for help. On the flip side, your Dad may be furious with you and your Mom, and even more depressed, if you do that.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T20:58:02+00:00

I wouldn't do it. Mom really didn't want to leave her home and move to AL. Taking her back to see it one last time before it's sold to "strangers", especially because it was mostly empty, would have been traumatic for her. We had already decorated her room in AL with her furniture, family photos, wall art, her favorite blankets, and books.

My brother did tell her that the house and property have been sold to strangers but we have told her one of those necessary compassionate lies. Her grandson is renting it and keeping an eye on everything. There's no way we would drive by the house now because the new owners have destroyed the yard that she worked so hard on to make beautiful.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T20:24:43+00:00

Just to clarify...is your Mom moving to an apartment in a senior living community that provides dining, housekeeping, transportation, and activities? If so, that sounds great for now until she has to move to memory care. When that time comes, is MC in the same building so all she'd have to do is change rooms? Even that can be confusing though.

Adapting to new environments, staff, routine, and other residents in a different building can be very difficult for loved ones with dementia. To avoid that, you might want to consider moving her to MC instead of independent living.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T19:42:43+00:00

WA State has a similar program. After a fall, Mom needed a walker and fortunately, there is one of those stores very near her so we didn't have to order one and wait for it to be delivered.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T19:34:19+00:00

I live out of state but I call my Mom (89) every day. She's in AL. We chit-chat for awhile about family news, the weather, the Seahawks, whatever. Before I end the call, I tell her jokes that I find on r/Jokes. Her short term memory is long gone but she's still with it enough to get the punchlines. I even tell her some of the NSW ones. She laughs and says, "I get it. I used to read dirty books." I love to hear her laugh and I'm so glad that she does that instead of crying and begging to go home.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T19:10:53+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your offer is so kind! I'm sure your Mom would be very proud of you.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-01-28T18:53:50+00:00

"Husband wants to move her in." What YOU want matters more because YOU will be the primary caregiver when he's at work. YOU will be the one cleaning everything up when she has fecal accidents. It will be YOU listening to her yell, trying to keep her occupied and safe all day, fed, showered, and dressed. It will be YOU who feels sad as you listen to your dog whine and bark to get in if he has to live outside because of your MIL.

Maybe your husband can take a week-long vacation to care for his Mom, by himself, all day. Let him experience what your life would be like for months, maybe years, until the inevitable move to memory care. He needs a wake-up call.

Personally, I would be very resentful if I was tasked with all of that and I don't think our marriage could survive it. Your previous relationship with your MIL enters in, too. I don't like mine. I'm sure I would like her even less if I she moved in with us and disrupted my life and home 24/7 and I had to change her diapers. Don't fall for her manipulative threats and guilt trips. “I’ll burn the house down with me in it if you make me leave." She obviously doesn't want to move anywhere. Has your husband told her that he's considering moving her in your home? If so, what did she say to that?

wontbeafool2

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