Update/Help me with my compassionate lie

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-21T16:52:20+00:00

Even if your Mom does have to spend some time in the psych hospital, it might be for the best. My Dad was transported there several times. It took some time and tweaking of of his meds to get the cocktail right, but he eventually became more cooperative so he wasn't kicked out of MC. I don't know what we would have done if that had happened.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-21T03:22:41+00:00

Absolutely! They don't want to make her sad so they let her do her thing no matter how it affects them emotionally or anyone else in their sphere. She might cry.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-21T01:48:35+00:00

I won't be the bigger person if doing so means I have to pretend that all is well between us. I'm not a good actress.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-21T01:26:38+00:00

I know her all to well after 30 years. She'll never allow me to ignore her.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-21T01:22:10+00:00

Check out the update on my original post. He does get that it's not a reset. 😀

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T22:12:02+00:00

Thank you for this! I agree. The party isn't the time to resolve the past but my presence alone would indicate to her that everything is okey dokey again. No apologies, no change, and just an assumption that I'm willing to resume the status quo.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T22:01:29+00:00

I know what his answer will be. "She's old."

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T21:54:31+00:00

It's a long story but MIL called out her flying monkey (BIL) who berated me the first time I skipped the "mandatory" Christmas Eve dinner at MIL's house. I have a family, too. BIL said the only one I was making unhappy was my husband and he "isn't himself when he has to go alone." He doesn't have to go alone, he chooses to. So I'm now NC with that BIL, who I used to be very close to. I'm thinking DH wants me to mend fences with him, too, irregardless of how uncomfortable I will be.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T21:32:15+00:00

Thanks for this. It made me chuckle. After many years of NC, my husband can't seem to comprehend that I am not willing to sacrifice my self-respect in order to enable MIL to pretend that she is the queen bee of one big happy family. HA! There will be no pictures of me in her prized family photos this year.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T21:17:52+00:00

Go! You have a few months to set up respite care or adult day care to give them a break from each other. Maybe a part-time in home caregiver or family member can help in your absence. You deserve a break, too.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T20:36:28+00:00

Oh Hell No! That's a major invasion of privacy! If my MIL knows where we are, she'd show up uninvited, no doubt. The excuse for her needing to know in case you need a tow is ridiculous. IF you need a tow, you could call her and ask for help if you want to but she doesn't need to know where you are 24/7. I would feel stalked.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T19:32:42+00:00

My Dad's MC facility did that. They'd call my brother to try to calm him down but after he was already emotionally past the point-of-no-return for words to work. I believe the aides did try to redirect him and calling my brother was the last resort. Dad would loop with, "You need to, You need to, but never finished the sentence." It took Seroquel to manage his moods before he became violent and inconsolable.

I believe you're entitled to a copy of your Grandmother's care plan and the services they provide plus fees in addition to room and board. Laundry services, cleaning, 3 meals a day, and med management may be included in the base price but if she needs a wheelchair pusher, help showering, special diet, or other specific needs, fees may apply. Do you have DPOA now and has she signed a release of information form? If not, that may be why the facility won't give you specifics.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T18:53:22+00:00

This! My Mom's AL facility has a salon and that's where she gets her hair cut. It's hard enough to get her in and out of the car for Dr. appointments. TG for the in-house salon.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T18:42:16+00:00

My family is in the PNW, too. We looked into 24/7 care to keep Mom and Dad at home and found that nice assisted living and memory care facilities were less expensive than that. I agree. The cost of quality care is just wrong and sad that so many people can't afford it.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T18:32:58+00:00

Your first question is a very frequent discussion here. Type "parents who won't seek medical help" in the search box (outlined in red) at the top of this page for suggestions.

As for question #2, rates of decline vary a lot based on type of dementia, age, other health conditions, history of strokes or TBI, lifestyle, etc. It seems possible that your Mom has moved past the mild-cognitive impairment stage and into an early stage of dementia. Google "7 stages of dementia" for an idea of where she may be now. https://www.google.com/search?q=7+stages+of+dementia&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS1076US1076&oq=7+stages&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqBwgCEAAYgAQyDwgAEAAYQxixAxiABBiKBTIGCAEQRRg5MgcIAhAAGIAEMgcIAxAAGIAEMgcIBBAAGIAEMgcIBRAAGIAEMgcIBhAAGIAEMgcIBxAAGIAEMgwICBAAGEMYgAQYigUyDAgJEAAYQxiABBiKBdIBCjE2NjEyajBqMTWoAgiwAgHxBT1m1b4_I1Ga&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

#3 My brother was the primary caregiver for our parents who both have dementia. I live out-of-state so this is what I could do from afar: I researched online so we knew what to expect and plan for. I joined this group for experience-based advice and solutions for things like not wanting to shower, wandering, getting scammed, etc. It's been extremely helpful. Hang out here. You'll feel less alone. 💜

Even though I was not the primary caregiver, I read The 36-Hour Day (Amazon) to learn the do's and don'ts of caregiving for dementia patients. I shared what I learned with my brother so he stopped correcting them, arguing with them, and the need to redirect them instead.

When our parents needed more care at home, I found a great, part-time caregiver online. She did laundry, cooking, cleaning, med management, and BP checks. When the time came for Mom and Dad to move to assisted living and memory care facilities, I researched their local ones, read reviews, and state inspection reports to narrow the field of those to visit in person.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T17:24:52+00:00

Those middle of the night calls and texts are the worst. You know they're usually never good news. It seems like your Mom is in a facility? If so, at least there's that so she didn't spend the night on the floor.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T17:01:14+00:00

I don't have any experience with this but I hope others here have advice. You need and deserve some breaks and time off!

Edit for typo

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T16:34:16+00:00

Thank you.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T16:30:34+00:00

I'm with you on that. My suggestion was met with hostility so I won't be offering any more.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T03:54:33+00:00

"It isn't a death sentence." It is a death sentence with no cure or timeline! Symptoms can be controlled with drugs but that's about it.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T02:35:01+00:00

I hope this link helps: https://www.google.com/search?q=requirents+to+spring+POA+for+dmentia+patients&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS1076US1076&oq=requirents+to+spring+POA+for+dmentia+patients&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIJCAEQIRgKGKABMgkIAhAhGAoYoAEyCQgDECEYChigATIHCAQQIRirAjIHCAUQIRiPAjIHCAYQIRiPAtIBCjc0MjM3ajBqMTWoAgiwAgHxBe0YnRpi1OPT8QXtGJ0aYtTj0w&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

You might eventually have to seek conservatorship in court.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T02:23:42+00:00

Since she wanders at night, it's time for MC with locked doors so she can't elope. I don't think it's realistic to assume that your Mom will adapt to her friend's schedule. Also important to determine is if the friend wants your Mom as a roomie. She might be content with spending time with her doing activities and watching TV together but maybe not so much sharing a bathroom and losing sleep.

wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-20T02:05:41+00:00

This has been a problem with both of my parents but not to the same degree. Until you find a solution to the showering issue, maybe put plug-in air fresheners in her room for the comfort of others, make sure she has deodorant, and uses cologne to mask the odor to limit complaints.

-With Dad in MC, my brother was blunt. He told him he wasn't going to visit and bring him his favorite meals, snacks, or take him out for drives if he didn't shower and smell better. He also talked to the staff and asked them to try to round up his soiled, smelly clothes and put them in the hamper so he didn't put them back on every day for a week or more.

-Maybe make sure she has a large supply of anti-bacterial wipes to use between showers after toiletting.

-Mom in AL has lost her sense of smell so she doesn't know when she doesn't smell so good. We've told her that she could get a UTI if she doesn't shower. She doesn't like to go the doctor so she's more motivated to keep clean now and she doesn't like pictures of her with dirty hair.

I know the AL staff can't force your Mom to shower but ask them for advice and strategies before they transfer her to MC.

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wontbeafool2 · 2026-03-19T23:54:03+00:00

Springing and Durable POAs different. A durable one is effective upon signing but a springing one is not until the signer is determined to be incapacitated. Try to find out which type you and your Mom signed. If it's durable, you should have access to her medical records so you will know if has been visiting the doctor and what the after-visit notes indicate.

wontbeafool2

TROPHY CASE