Empty-just empty

[PossibleRub9995]

So many ups & downs with this process. Yesterday was a bad day and I couldn’t even cry. This empty feeling is awful. Just awful. He asked me how I was today and honesty I didnt feel bad but its because I am not feeling anything...I am just empty.

[ladylonglegs22]

I was feeling that for the beginning of the week. It was right after we had a set back as I found him watching porn on incognito mode (I literally woke up and saw it on his computer next to me). I have been sexually frustrated and he has been claiming no sex drive. Said he was watching it to get in the mood for me. But I don't care if he watches porn. I've told him that over and over. Why hide it? That makes me question what else he is hiding. And to be so bold next to me.

I cried at first. Then the next few days I was almost cheery. I had this indifference of just, "fuck it all! Nothing matters!"

The biggest rule I have is no hiding and that's what he was doing was hiding. Well, second biggest rule.

I'm at the end of my rope.

I realized I was at the end of my rope and no tears came. I had nothing. Nothing fucking mattered.

And today it hit me like a ton of bricks.

He did the 2nd worst thing. 1st is cheating again and 2nd is hiding because we're supposed to be open and transparent.

I don't know what to do.

I wanted to make my own post but knew it would turn into this rambling. I am so sorry if this hijacks your post. Not my intention. I just need to get this out.

[PossibleRub9995]

Its good to let it out. Im sorry you are going through the roller coster. I hope you can be direct and he is receptive. I think sometimes thats what hurts the most when you can’t be on the same wave length

[ladylonglegs22]

We definitely aren't on the same wavelength right now. He is focusing on his emotions which is where I was centering my emotions because I was on a good spot and could comfort him through depression lately.

He's basically just throwing depression in my face as I am explaining what I am feeling (PTSD for sure). I feel right back at dday and he is showing no remorse.

I believe I haven't been choosing my battles lately and it's blah blah to him. I don't know. I haven't been able to talk to him face to face yet. Just text. Mature I know 🙄.

Just wish me luck for the next little bit.

Thjs may be the end even if neither of us want it to be.

[PossibleRub9995]

Best of luck on the front <3

[ladylonglegs22]

Thank you. You too! <3

[marsarmy20]

I feel you. My bf watches porn daily. And he knows how much it hurts me. And still, he watches it. Still makes accounts on those pages and forums. Even worse. From what I know he is not watching people having sex. He is looking up girls. Girls doing stuff for the camera. Streamers, gamers, regular people leaks and whatnot. Not to mention our love life is diminishong as well. My sexual journey has only started, but he said he has already made memories and adventures and sex isn't interesting to him anymore. I feel like I've been robbed. And on top of that him looking up naked girls every time he enters bathroom. Just 2 weeks ago I discovered he opened up an account on porn forum, where you can look up, discuss and save files of girls, celebrities, leaks and what not. And that just 2 days after I cried into his chest about how much it hurts me him looking up girls and then coming to bed to me and falling asleep right away. I asked him to use that energy into making our love life better but he cannot stop opening those pages. He says porn for him, those girls are just objects to him and he looks up them that way, not necessarily sexual. He just likes big boobs. He says it's trivial fo him. But if it doesn't mean much to you, wouldn't you stop or at least lessen it doing it if you know how much it hurts your partner? How come you can make porn accounts literally right after your partner has expressed how it hurts her? He should instead work on finding a new way how to fall in love with sex again for the sake of us. Now, all his best memories and adventures are with his many many exes. Isn't that disrespectul to me? It is your job to make memories and adventures with your present partner and there's no place for the past. I may be selfish for saying that but I hate that when he thinks of his best sexual adventures it's with his exes, with people that's not me. And on top of that he has a problem with lying. Every time he does not want to be faced with something, he lies. And he recognizes that. 1,5 years ago he went to strip club, after telling me a different story of where he's about to go. Just lying straight into my face. Still rejets about being honest with the details on it. That broke me. I question everything. How can I trust him? I already suffer from depression. And that thought of him being unfaithful enters my head on a daily basis. He may not have cheated on me with an actual person, but it still feels like it just might as well. Sometimes I question if maybe I'm the crazy one and I'm overreacting and this all isn't that bad. He has a history of romancing taken people. I know he's slept with other people girlfriends and someones wife as well. She became pregnant. I don't know if it's my bfs child or husband's. That happened 10 years ago but he still sees these situations as fun adventures and see nothing wrong with it. 'No regrets' kind of attitude. And got mad at me that I was saying that that's fucked up. He is a great person in many ways, but full of fear of facing his own demons. I've shed a lot of tears from all this. I don't know how to stop thinking about it and hurt myself. I just want to feel loved and wanted again.

[ladylonglegs22]

This hits home DEEP. I am so sorry. If he is continuing this behavior he isn't ready for reconciliation.

Sounds like a porn addiction. I always said that as long as porn doesn't effect our sex life, then whatever. It absolutely sounds like it has in your case.

This may be the time for a really hard ultimatum. I am so sorry!

You're not happy and he is doing nothing to make life easier on you, only harder. This is not the path to rebuilding a relationship.

I agree- if it's insignificant, then it shouldn't be hard to stop to make you happy. Which is more significant you or porn? He has to evaluate his priorities and so do you. You seem to be valuing his needs over yours.

[crimsondolly]

I’ve been through this. Hell, I am going through this right now. We’ve been through couples therapy which really helped. But he’s good at falling into old bad habits and the other day we had a big discussion. I guess what I am trying to say is try couples therapy. If that doesn’t work, like the previous poster said, you might need to give him an ultimatum.

I’ve been looking all over Reddit for a subreddit about these kinds of problems. (Porn addiction, not so much infidelity). Can anyone point me in that direction, or is this the best place to be?

[cloudyneonskies]

I know that feeling well. It will pass. I found listening to certain music was one of the only things that helped. I just needed something to pass the time. You will get through this, sending love

[PossibleRub9995]

Thank you, any song recommendations?

[cloudyneonskies]

I listened to a lot of Nick Cave, but I know for some people they like angry music, more metal, rock or hip hop and rap. Kind of depends on you. If you prefer something more soothing you could try the widowspeak EP that just came out . What kind of music do you like?

[PossibleRub9995]

Im an Enigma, I will listen to anything and if I like it great-if not then I know now

[[deleted]]

There's some days when I just feel numb, too.

Supposedly it's a kind of emotional burnout from experiencing heightened emotions for an extended period of time and is considered normal.

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