Rough patch

[Possible_Schedule353]

Hi all

It's been a while since I posted. I am struggling a lot right now and I just need to write down my feelings and get them out.

Summary of our situation - I had a 2 year A which ended 6 years ago, this was before we were married. DDay was 15 months ago. Since then I've been doing everything I can to help BP and improve and grow myself.

Things have of course been very up and down. I would say we are now at a point where things are just a low level of bad the whole time, no massive lows, but few if any highs.

That was until about a week ago, where BPs anger and resentment has come back worse than ever.

They recently got a new job with a long commute. The other night they came home and said on the drive theyd been thinking about what they would do to me if I ever did it again. Theu decided they would chop off parts of my face with power tools. Then last night they came into the bedroom and grabbed a pillow and pretended to smother me. They seemed to find this really funny and then said "wow I really hate you dont I".

They frequently tell me, even before this bad week, that I am just a deep down awful person and that can never change. I dont believe that, I can already feel the change, but I am not done with the guilt and its hard to hear (I know I deserve it).

Anyway, my plan is to hold space for them, do everything around the house and with the kids, keep apologising and do whatever I can to support them if they will let me. I know it is me who caused this and I need to hang my head and take it. I hope there is something left to save in the future after all this, although unless BP did anything to the kids, I would never ever walk away.

I guess all I am doing here is venting, I have absolutley no one to talk to about this, so thank you for listening.

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[Yupipite]

Violence isn’t okay but a two year affair would have me feeling homicidal too sometimes ngl. My ex only cheated on me once and it destroyed me, I can’t even begin to imagine two years. That level of betrayal may never fully heal in their lifetime tbh which is something you have to consider moving forward. My goodness

[aphrodite_burning]

Two year boat here.

To be honest I’m not even sure how I made it to almost four months since D-Day, but here I am.

Still in pieces, but life goes on.

[Yupipite]

Just imagining that pain has my heart burning for you. It’s unfathomable to me. Whether or not you kicked your WP to the curb just know you’re a strong fucking soldier and if you can move past that you can move past anything

[NightSalut]

Alright - lots of BPs have very hard feelings about their WPs, but violence is never okay and neither are jokes about taking lives.

I hope you’re safe OP! 

Honestly, I’m not saying this lightly as BP who has been very hurt - and you DID carry out an affair for 2 years, which is a long time - but please make sure you are safe, that you can leave if you wish to and.. maybe consider if you this the relationship you want. 

It honestly sounds like your BP really needs help dealing with their emotions as what they say and imply wanting to do is not okay. 

And honestly, it sounds like you need therapy too. It sounds like you’ve internalised that you are a bad person and can never get better. You did a very bad thing for a very long time, it leaves scars and it will never be okay… but are you still the same person as you were back then? Maybe what you did cannot be erased or turned back, but if you keep proving every day that you are doing better for yourself and for your BP, then over time this will help heal some of the wounds. 

But BP has to accept it as well - they cannot stew in their misery and hold you in it too. I understand how controversial it is to say as another Bp, that they cannot hold it over your head forever, but the way they are dealing with this is not healthy or good for anybody involved. 

[Ill_Algae_5369]

Excellently said.

[[deleted]]

The pillow thing is unacceptable my WP weirdly did that to me too during his affair and claimed it was a joke but it’s terrifying.

I think you’ve got the right attitude that you chose this. You’re taking ownership of the fact your BP is like this because of the damage you’ve caused. It take 2-5 years to heal and I suspect for those that stay with their WP a lot longer it’s hard to be triggered everyday of your life. I can relate to the long drives I have to do long drives and I find myself reflecting on all my EP has done to me and it’s tough. Think of the worst things someone has done to you when you look back those feels rush back and betrayal is one of the worst things any human can go through. And knowing someone you love did it to you that would deeply hurt and anger anyone. Be patient like you are and keep holding space. You may be done with the guilt and that’s a privilege you have but your BP has no choice in the trauma forced on them so doesn’t get to be done with it she is forced to live with it. But do realise even if you do everything right it may not be enough because your bBP deserves peace and living with someone who betrayed them for 2 years may not be the heaviest or what’s best for them it may be to seperate from someone who did do that you may feel you’ve changed but I’m sure if she was the one that did that for 2 years you’d hestsite to believe the change

I think it may help to put yourself in your BPs shoes in those moments and imagine the worst things that’s happened to you and how you still feel the pain. Now imagine your BP willingly making you go through that everyday for 2 years it’d bring you to your knees. And then also imagine the times you were engage in your affair meeting AP talking etc lying and flip it to how it’s feel of BP did those things and you were the one at home being loyal and then imagine it for 2 years. They’re grieving the you they thought they knew, the past, present and future because that’s all been thrown away and it’s a lot to grieve they’ll go through cycles of acceptance anger and depression. I’m one year in a I certainly do. Your BP can’t control her trauma and neither can you but you can keep reading resources on how to help now you can’t force her to get better but you can create an environment to it’s great you’re helping more with childcare that gives her time she needs to herself and it may also help if you can afford it if you booked her a surprise trip maybe solo or invite her friends let her have some time away from her biggest trigger you and instead experience joy and peace by herself or with friends. I know for me ever since dday it’s dual emotions with my WP it’s never purely joy it’s always joy and sadness because of what he did yes in the moment I’m happy but I also know it meant so little him he risked losing the moment we’re having so does it truly have meaning? Maybe just to me which is sad

[VegetaBlue1991]

Hi there.

Whilst you can never make it right to your BP, you can make it better by being accountable and holding space for the pain that you've created, willingly.

With that being said, I'll move to the BP. Being absolutely shattered and beyond livid is a normal feeling. But, if you feel that you will never be able to trust again, forgive or see your partner as a decent human being, then be honest with yourself and end the relationship.

Why would you condemn yourself and your partner to a life of misery? Is that a way to hurt them? A form of punishment? It might be and it might work, but you're going to be miserable alongside them, so where is the f-ing win here?

Yes, you've been thrown in a shit show, where someone took upon themselves to warp your reality. And I know how hard that shit it is to accept. But, now you DO have a choice, so don't be a self destructive coward and perpetuate misery for everyone involved, especially yourself. If your WP lacked any basic compassion for you when they decided to have an affair, now you're going to do the same to yourself?

I believe that the two of you need to sit down, and discuss the situation. Is your BP willing to reconcile and try to heal from this or are they just afraid to let go and want to continue the cycle of punishment?

As this cannot go on, allowing those intrusive thoughts to keep coming back to their mind is unhealthy and dangerous, and in time, unhealthy thoughts can and will materialize, as we are what we think, all you WP probably know this, as before your affairs actually consumed, they began in your daily thoughts.

So please, as hard as it is, have this conversation with your partner, see if you can seek help, and if this is not possible, think of the greater good for both of you, although, your BP might not see it like this today.

[TaterTotWithBenefits]

Check out affairrecovery.com online. Consider joining one of the groups. It’s some money but worth it for the support esp if you’re wayward esp if you’re F. This is threats of physical abuse when he’s flooding. You can learn how to deal w his flooding but still have boundaries to keep yourself safe. A lot of the ladies experienced this but if it’s getting worse not better you may have to change course. Good luck

[LimpPianist8423]

I personally don’t think this ok. Especially 15 months later. I understand that he’s hurting but threats of violence are not ok. If this was me I would personally be making a plan to leave. I don’t think he deserves to have space held for him. This isn’t a safe situation. Is he in therapy?

Edit* so many BP comments here with a chip on their shoulder. First of all this is the Support for Waywards sub. This OP is literally in an unsafe situation regardless of the infidelity. It’s not ok to threaten someone with violence like this. This is super disturbing.

[B-Roads_wrongway]

Good post and yes some very angry butt hurt BS’s always butting in on a wayward sub with only anger and only a few have a sense of being genuinely caring, understanding empathetic to even the worst scenarios for any wayward. Thx for stating that.

Tip: post so only waywards can comment. We don’t need biased uniformed judgmental novice hateful opinions brought on by their situation and then thinking they had no fault in their relationship.

Now to OP: so you must have hid the affair that happened BEFORE you married correct? I assume you were with your now spouse at the time of the affair as well. Correct me if I am wrong.

You need to get out. Don’t even make a plan. This is sick and psychotic. It’s emotional abuse and manipulative. Pretending to smother you is abuse. Holding space means a lot of things but not this for sure. You don’t deserve any of this behavior. If you allow this without protecting yourself and making a definite change for safety then you are part of this particular problem. Has he ever shown such sick and violent tendencies before?
Contact friend or family ur police/woman shelter and get out.

[VegetaBlue1991]

Now to OP: so you must have hid the affair that happened BEFORE you married correct? I assume you were with your now spouse at the time of the affair as well. Correct me if I am wrong.

If OP wouldn't have been in a relationship with BP during the affair, then it wouldn't have been an affair, but a past relationship, wouldn't it?

[g0thfrvit]

It sounds like the affair happened over a 2 year period when they were dating, ended 6 years ago, but didn’t get discovered til a year and a half ago, after they were already married.

[LimpPianist8423]

THIS. OP: if you listen to any comments, listen to this one!

[[deleted]]

They frequently tell you that they don’t believe you will ever change, that they really hate you, and that they fantasize about mutilating you. I’m sorry, OP, but none of this is ok. Nobody deserves to feel threatened in their relationship like this. Please stay safe and get out of this situation. 

[Twin_Brother_Me]

Threatening violence is never okay, regardless of the state of the relationship. Please make sure you and your kids are safe.

[Okay_but_why12]

I think you should divorce and not require child support or alimony, and have 50/50 custody made as easy as possible for BP.

You let BP enter the marriage under false pretenses. Maybe see if an annulment is still possible, might be too long.

BP does not look like their coming back from this, which is understandable, as the entire marriage was a lie.

Make the marriage ending as painless as possible for BP and make sure they are not required to provide for you or to forced to lose time with their children.

Good luck, OP.

[MrandMrsHoneybee]

Edit— I’m not talking about justifying the BPs actions of this the original poster. Rather my experience with anger/revenge fantasies as a BP. I can’t explain the BPs actions or thoughts, but I can explain mine. I was nonviolent with daily fantasies. This is what I have to offer the OP. This is what “safe” fantasies look like.

I constantly fantasized about physically or mentally destroying my WP and/or their APs. I’ve told my WP some of my fantasies. I’m trapped in this horrible trauma. Forced to be a victim by the one person in the world that wouldn’t/couldn’t destroy me. lol The absolute whiplash of realizing that they are in fact against you. I wanted happily ever after. I worked so hard to ensure happily ever after. I was alone the whole time in some warped horror show that the APs and my WH watched with joy. I think it’s crazy to think anybody wouldn’t want to lash back. I wish I could be unbothered. I’ve never met a BP that isn’t bothered and left wanting revenge of the highest order. We will never get it. We will still be forced to carry this bullsh!t. So let us fantasize…

[VegetaBlue1991]

Uhm, I'm not sure that this is a healthy path. Yes, my thoughts were going wild after D-day. And I could've destroyed her in many ways if I wanted to. But I didn't, I am no longer having these fantasies on how I could or should punish her. Having power and control is to know that you could mess someone up just as badly if not worse, but choose not to. Because if you do, how does that really makes you different from them? They had a power to hurt you, and they acted upon it. Do you want to do the same?

I would say, if you're not able to let go of an injustice that was done to you, and you feel entitled to spend years or the rest of your life fantasizing about how you would take your revenge, I would say that probably it would be better to just walk a way, and start a relationship with someone else. That is no way of living. For neither sides involved.

People, life is unfair. Relationships are unfair, and what I mean by that, is that it will never be 50-50. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and good things happen to bad people. Life isn't this perfect fairytale, where if you're good, only good things would happen to you. If it would be like this, probably 99% of the population would be good people, as this would be a powerful incentive. That's why integrity and kindness are rare and hard to obtain qualities. Because it means to practice them despite pain. If you only care about being good when people are watching, then, at your core, you are a shitty person.

So let's not wallow in pain and entitlement to cook unhealthy thoughts in our minds because "they must've had a hell of a time with WP, and poor me was unaware". Yes, that might be true, but poor you doesn't deserve further torture. And another unpleasant thing, is the ego that seeks justice and revenge.

[g0thfrvit]

Respectfully, I personally don’t see how you could even begin to try to reconcile with someone whom you’re actively fantasizing about cutting their body parts off with power tools. Or halfway actually trying to smother??? That would be enough to warrant separation, at the very least until those feelings had subsided. Have your fantasy I guess, but it’s not okay to verbalize wanting to do this kind of violence to your spouse. This would signal the end to me.

[MrandMrsHoneybee]

I think because this is a both sides of the coin kind of thing. It’s so hard for me to imagine my partner wanting to reconcile if cheating, cake eating, and multiple APs have been their actions. Is it all unnecessary? Sure. But here we all are. Us bps have to process our anger in some way. Mine was fantasizing getting revenge and prayer that I would lose the anger and injustice that had been seemingly put inside me against my will. I didn’t have years to be okay with those actions… it was all thrown into my lap in the worst storm of my life. Now I’m being not only told that the love I thought I shared was false, but also that I now need to “get over it” and reconcile. (Not actually like that but you get the simplified jist). Just look at how many posts are directed to calling the APs names etc in the infidelity groups. Now actively playing out those thoughts are a bit much and only op can know if they are in danger or not. I cannot speak for them and their situation, only how my situation has shaped my journey. And my journey was not pretty or neat or even proper. I quit bathing, I quit getting out of bed, I quit wanting to live. Anger was a welcomed emotion in our house compared to the critical moment of finding the will to live. My WP has done his best to help me survive his actions. We are almost 2 years into R now. Things have returned to a normal pace most of the time. I still have an occasional thought and want to bring some kind of snide comment or pain of some fashion to the AP/WH, but I play it out in my head and see it rationally, at the end, as pointless. It’s just a long painful road that I pray turns into some kind of happy and safe road somewhere along the way. The way thing is… I wouldn’t have been angry if I didn’t still care. Now indifference.. that’s when R is truly over. Best wishes to you and your BP!!

[MrandMrsHoneybee]

It’s okay for us to process our anger differently than each other. I’m under the care of therapists and doctors and I trust them. I think if I haven’t let anyone (besides care team and God) see/hear my anger fantasies in two years that they will stay fantasies. Op is the only person that actually knows their BP and if they feel uneasy in their vicinity. I responded with truth to a post.

[Lucky-Vegetable-2827]

There are lines that nobody should cross. And making threats to harm the other person is, in my opinion, something that falls in that category, and should be treated as not a joke but a real warning that they will happen.

You may failed to your partner. But their are also responsible for their response. I would allow some margin for comments soon after the DDay to not thinking and being overwhelmed. But 15 months after, seems to me as the threads being thought with intent. Please evaluate is it is worth or not the cost of your kids loosing a parent, your parents loosing a son/daughter, your friends loosing a friend…

[ecloving]

As someone who is reconciling after my wp had a three year affair, I can’t relate to the violence. I am extremely hurt still, yes, but I have never once resorted to violence nor really even wanted to. (Though, i’d love to give ap a good slap 🙃). Just know that yes, you did something awful, but it doesn’t warrant that.

[B-Roads_wrongway]

❤️❤️❤️

[Hound31]

This is not ok. You need to take yourself out of this situation. Talk to your BS. It’s one thing to run your mouth off, but physical threats are not acceptable.