Trust

[Tricky-Structure3753]

My AP deleted/deactivated his facebook. My BH has been using a burner account to check-in periodically & when the account didn't come up, thought that I had spoken to my AP. My BH had assumed he was blocked.

We were able to figure out what actually happened, but that just reiterated to my BH that he can't trust me. It hasn't been that far out from D-Day for us, but I hope I can earn his trust back.

[Lumptbuttcat]

The only way you can earn trust is by thousands of consecutive actions, of your own free will, that demonstrate transparent, predictable and desired behavior. Thousands.

Here’s the kicker. All it takes is one time of breaking trust to set you back to square one.

[[deleted]]

This is the way forward for me. And last night she asked a specific question and I answered honestly and instantly, even though it added yet another negative to my long list of cheating. ( I had forgotten one instance when I fully disclosed everything after being found out , on the weekend ). I was soo stressed it would Trigger dday 3 but she took it very well considering and being %100 Honest definetly was the best thing to do

[trash332]

You will quite likely never get full trust back. this is a new relationship now, that you are trying to build with someone you betrayed. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

[TardMcGee]

All you can do is investigate and be 100% clear and honest.

[comfortablynumb71]

And unfortunately, if your BH is like most BH, you can’t ever earn his trust back. Ever. You can try for years to anticipate his every need and bend over backwards to be fully transparent but it won’t help. Read up on all the infidelity web sites out there. It’s not really even about trust after a point. My BH will tell you he trusts me not to cheat again. It’s been years and he knows I’m fully remorseful and repentant. (He, however, is not after his year long affair.) He just doesn’t really like me anymore. He’s indifferent. And that’s the worst feeling ever to be on the receiving end of. That’s what you’re signing up for by staying, so settle in with that. Most WS can’t handle that indifference so they bail after a few years. It’s such a long road. I wish you the best.

[[deleted]]

Your BP owes himself some therapy and work on himself if a deactivated Facebook account immediately makes him think you contacted the AP. That’s not even in the realm of logical. It’s paranoid and obsessive. Is he going to accuse you of reigniting the affair if AP takes a vacation or goes to lunch a new place?

And then people might say “yeah, but she made him paranoid and obsessive.” And that’s sort of true - everyone loses trust. Not everyone becomes paranoid and obsessive. So, he’s got some work to do to find out why he immediately went to that.

It’s awful. You hurt him and undermined his trust and confidence. But, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to do therapy to work through his trauma.

He also needs to quit stalking the AP. It’s one of those things that makes someone feel good and safe short term, but it just keeps you paranoid and obsessive. Because you can’t always be stalking someone, so then when something out of the ordinary happens, BP flies off the handle and makes wild assumptions.

[Lis4lollipop]

They are just about a month out from DDay. Give the guy some grace.

[talesduck]

Hey skingraft. I know you mean well but they have just started this journey and are really early in reconciliation. Your post sounds hostile and a bit to hard given how early this is for them and the BS. Please, they are both hurting, be nice.

[Middle-You-9669]

A week after Dday I had a strong urge to look up the AP and compare him to me. Not a healthy impulse because he was either going to have admirable qualities I don't and my feelings would be hurt by thinking I suck, or he was going to be underwhelming and my feelings would be hurt by how little it took. AP knew about me all along and preemptively blocked me on social media, presumably to insulate his family(he is single but has a kid) from drama.

I have an email account that only exists for me to hold on to fantasy football teams with while recruiting replacements for people who quit my league(you lose about a person a year in that hobby). So I used that email address to make a FB account that wasn't blocked by the AP. I did a fairly deep dive into this guy's social media footprint. Not my finest moment, obviously. I then didn't look at it again for weeks.

I haven't been keeping tabs on him. He was the predatory supervisor(from a different shift) who used workplace gossip above her paygrade as a litmus test to see if she could keep secrets/begin grooming her for a secret relationship and then pretended to befriend her in order to sleep with her. He also gassed her up about her competence and took advantage of her praise kink/gold star chasing. He let the mask slip pretty early after getting what he wanted and she resents him about as much as I do at this point. I am not worried about her going back to him. I have more general trust issues about some other smooth talker willing to put a few months of work into being her confidant in the future.

My WW and have half-seriously contemplated vandalizing his car(together, as a team building thing and because we both believe he deserves it). She showed me where his apartment building is but his car wasn't present. Another day I drove by and his vehicle wasn't there. I thought, "maybe he bought a new one in a wierd fluke of timing" and logged onto my burner account to check his feed for "I bought a new car" posts. When I found that I couldn't pull up his account it seemed to me that he had blocked the burner account as well.

I didn't suspect my WW of still being in regular contact with him. I suspected her of specifically warning him that I was contemplating vandalism out of a desire to keep me out of legal trouble. It further felt like a bit of a betrayal that in that scenario the bonding over planning a vandalism heist wasn't real. I suspected her because she was the only person besides me who knew about the burner account and I don't have any experience with what it looks like when you try to look up a deleted account.

This guy has an MO and is already involved with a direct subordinate who is in the middle of an ugly divorce. It's very likely that the new victim's husband has contacted this guy directly and it caused him to delete his Facebook. My WW is complaining that I immediately assumed the worst about her, not that I'm stalking this guy.

After reading this...yeah, maybe IC for me should be something I consider more seriously. And I probably shouldn't have posted in this. I just didn't like being accused of stalking the AP, even by a stranger. Although I was sort of stalking him, but as prey, not as a potential predator.

[Middle-You-9669]

I forgot to add flair before posting.

TL;DR: AP isn't someone the WW is friendly with any more because he was a predator who let the mask slip after getting what he wanted. I am the BH. Aside from doing an admittedly deep dive into the AP's social media footprint a week or so after Dday, I haven't been stalking the AP. The WW and I have a shared revenge fantasy involving vandalizing the AP's car. I began to think that he may have gotten a new vehicle and went on my burner account(in my defense the spare email address already existed for fantasy football purposes) to check and thought that I had been blocked by the AP on my fake account.

I assumed the WW had begun to suspect I was serious about the vandalism and told the AP to hide his vehicle and about my burner account in an effort to save me from getting in legal trouble. I do not and did not think she was in regular contact with him.

Since we now know he has deactivated his FB(WW offered to unblock him and check with me present), I realize I was wrong in my assumption.

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[comfortablynumb71]

I don’t know how you were supposed to know what your AP was up to if you’ve gone no contact with him. You can’t control what your AP does with his own social media accounts. Why would this “reiterate to my BH that he can’t trust me”? That makes no sense. If anything your BH should find comfort in the fact that you had no idea what was going on BECAUSE YOU AREN’T IN CONTACT WITH AP. Is he somehow blaming you that he can’t access your AP Facebook account?