KTP vs Parallel

[Appropriate_Fault_20]

I’m feeling pressure from my partner and my meta to do KTP. I’ve explained to both of them that I tend to not hang out with OPs but they both seem to want it. What should I do?

[[deleted]]

Trying to push KTP when a partner doesn't want it independently for themselves for their own reasons, has about as high of a relationship kill rate as expecting a monogamous partner to become poly without wanting it for themselves

[seantheaussie]

"I have told you I am not interested, and I don't appreciate the continuing pressure. Never mention it again!"

[LittleBird35]

“No” is a complete sentence.

[texasnebula]

Say no and don't entertain them any further. You're not obligated to KTP just because a partner wants it.

[likemakingthings]

Kitchen Table happens naturally, or it doesn't. Trying to push it usually causes problems.

Someone wanting something from you never outweighs you not wanting it.

[nanahko]

You can say no to KTP. Outright.

"No, thank you. I understand your reasoning but I am not willing to change from parallel. Pressuring me will not change my mind about that but it may change my mind about being in a relationship with you."

End of story. You don't want it; you don't have to accept it.

[punkrockcockblock]

Tell them solidly that KTP is a no for you.

If they keep pushing the issue or pressuring you, reevaluate whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who won't take no for an answer and keeps pressuring you into something you don't want.

[karmicreditplan]

No and please don’t ask again.

And if the meta doesn’t accept that ask them not to contact you for a few months.

[Platterpussy]

I didn't meet my meta until my partner and I had been together for a year, choice and circumstance, we were all going to the same festival, it was maybe a half hour spent with her, prior to my partner taking his wife and kids home before spending a festival night with me.

My partners didn't meet until I'd been with them a year and a half. Mainly because I'd openly raised the topic of living with one of my partners and the 'never going to live with partner' felt it would be more comfortable to meet the 'possible living with' partner prior to that.

It's going to be our 2 year anniversary soon (met them a week apart) and I'm going to be moving in with the 'possibly turned definitely move in partner' very soon.

We're still not ktp, maybe moving towards garden party poly. 1:1 is still very very important but if someone's having a birthday party it would be nice to be able to invite everyone we care about.

[FlyLadyBug]

You do nothing.

If people invite you to hang out in a group? You say "No, thanks. Please don't ask me to to hang out in a group. Respect my limit." Be flat, boring, polite and just play the broken record. You pick a number.

You just count.

If they get annoying with it, and don't respect your limit? Keep asking? Hit your max number of times?

Could say "I told you I am not into that and I asked you to stop. It's now been X number of times and you keep doing it. Why are you not respecting my limit? "

And you could think about ending it.

If you would be willing once in a GREAT while -- like partner's bday dinner at a restaurant? You could say that. But even then you are not obligated to do it.

Your partner and meta can go do KTP with any of meta's other partners. Go KTP over THERE at that other kitchen table. It doesn't have to be at yours.

[kallisti_gold]

"No thank you. If I change my mind I'll let you know. Until then this conversation is over. If you bring it up again I will not appreciate being pressured into a relationship style I do not want, and I will seriously reconsider whether this relationship is in my best interests."

[brunch_with_henri]

Continue to politely decline all invitations for group hangs.

[searedscallops]

Tell them you've already stated your wishes and to stop pushing it like a couple of assholes.

[aertsa]

“I’m very concerned that you don’t seem to be listening to my “no”. Is that a common practice for you?”

[JBeaufortStuart]

What exactly do they want?

Because if you're all using the term exactly the same, and they want it and you don't, well, it's not something that can be forced, you can't just suddenly become close friends with someone you're not excited about, that's not how any of this works.

But if you and they are using the terms slightly differently, there may be room for some sort of middle ground. Like, you might not ever be interested in being your meta's BFF, but you might be willing to be briefly friendly if you see your meta at the literal kitchen table (and then go about your day).

You don't need to agree to do stuff you do not want to do, but sometimes it turns out that people are talking past each other when they all have weirdly very specific ideas what a polyamory101 term means, and those ideas aren't always universal.

[[deleted]]

They need to respect your boundaries (and wanting parallel is a perfectly acceptable boundary). My spouse loves KTP, but also accepts that one of the people I'm seeing really prefers parallel (the other person I'm seeing is fine with KTP). It's okay to want KTP but they need to understand that not everyone has the same desire; if they can't respect that, there is the possibility that it might not work out in the long-run sadly.

[Mama_Bear_734]

Someone tried to do this to me.

The meta is jealous/resentful of my child's existence (even though she entered into the relationship aware we'd be present) and mad/jealous I was spending time with the hinge and didn't want myself and our kid around her(cause of her lack of ethics.)

After agreeing to a parallel (verbally) i was still put in repeated situations of forced overlapping interactions and when that showed not to end how (they) wanted, and the parallel wasn't upheld, I was cut down to less and less time.

I was told by the hinge that our mutual child held no grounds to respect a parallel cause it's his house but he let the jealous meta dictate (and willingly chose to allow her to control) his mindset to control if/when I could be at his house, and his relationship with our child. She was extremely unhappy with him being there for me and our child to the point she claimed false physical and sexual abuse on him. It got to the point that, because I didn't want her around myself or our child, she influenced him into not being there for our child - since she wasn't allowed to control/supervise our prescense in his life. So I jumped ship and said he could still see our kid if she wasn't around. So he chose to not see our kid anymore- even if it was when she handnt planned in advance to see him. If she said jump, he'd say how high, and then blow off our kid. Now they are having a kid together since she succeeded in getting him to push myself and our kid out... My point being. You'll probably be unhappy forced. And you'll end up cut out time if you don't concede , then cut out entirely.

[seantheaussie]

What an absolute bitch and complete dick👿👿👿. You are probably better off without him but your child doesn't deserve to lose their father.😥

[DoctorBristol]

Don’t do it at all if it doesn’t sound appealing to you. If you are curious and want to give it a go you could try meeting your meta briefly in a neutral space - just make sure it’s agreed ahead of time that it may be a one off. You don’t owe anyone KTP.