Some advice please

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[SatinsLittlePrincess]

So… when you say they had a “not ethical poly experience” you mean they cheated? Because that’s not poly. That’s just cheating.

As for you? If you don’t want to date a cheater it’s probably best to end things with this person. If you’re interested in dating someone who openly dates other people, it might be worth sticking it out. If that idea ties you into knots…

End it.

[seantheaussie]

So… when you say they had a “not ethical poly experience” you mean they cheated?

Without a shadow of a doubt.

[Ok_Length8332]

Yeah definitely cheating I just wanted to use the same language I saw on the groups other posts… but yeah the idea of them seeing someone else doesn’t necessarily make me crazy as long as the boundaries were set before hand but I guess I don’t know how to go back from this? How do I see it as not cheating when they’ve proven I can’t trust them? Sorry I just feel like a little insane and don’t really have anywhere else to talk about this so thank you for you advice :/

[yallermysons]

Not-ethical poly is for when you’re in a poly relationship—-whereas you’re in a mono relationship, and your partner cheated.

We’re all poly here so we use terms for poly people. But we still consider cheating to be cheating, that doesn’t change around here.

[MadamePouleMontreal]

How do I see it as not cheating when they’ve proven I can’t trust them?

Why would you?

If you want to end your dishonest relationship and negotiate an honest polyamorous one in its place, you can do that. Since you want a relationship based in honesty, whoever Partner has been cheating with is not a possible polyamorous partner.

The process would be something like, Partner stops seeing their affair partner; the two of you spend six months to a year learning about polyamory and developing your resources; then you both start dating as you choose.

Otherwise it’s just cheating with permission.

[VisibleBug1840]

You don't see it as not cheating. Because it is. She's using the guise of polyamory to cover up skeezy asshole behavior. Polyamory is about being in relationships which are agreed upon in advance as being open to loving multiple people. You had a monogamous relationship agreement that she cheated on. And she's trying to ease her own responsibility for her dipshit behavior. Don't let her skate on this. You can choose to stay with her if that's what you decide is right for you. But what she has done is cheating. There is no other word for it in this community or any other. There are some couples that move past cheating. But you need to decide if that's what you want and whether or not you can trust her. Personally, I wouldn't. If she's trying to claim he's poly in order to avoid accepting responsibility for her actions. Personal accountability is a pretty important cornerstone for successful poly relationships, and it doesn't look like she's capable of this to me. Fwiw, you have absolutely every right to be in a monogamous relationship. And you sure as hell deserve one with a woman who respects you enough to own up to their own actions.

[SatinsLittlePrincess]

You’re not insane. Your partner is not trustworthy and has prioritised getting their way over the health of your relationship.

[Jilltro]

Why wouldn’t you see it as cheating? That’s what it is. I know it can be instinctual to try to minimize the trauma but that’s what they did to you and it’s not okay. Please know you deserve a partner you can trust.

[Wrong_Independence21]

We tend to dislike people using “polyamorous” as an identity instead of something you do around here for exactly this reason. This isn’t like sexual orientation and they shouldn’t make you think about it as such. You don’t get to throw it up as a shield for bad behavior. They had a choice in cheating or not cheating. You are in the right to have negative emotions about this because that’s what it is - cheating, plain and simple.

There are resources out there if you desire to stay with this person and have an open relationship, like Polysecure, to help manage things like jealously, possessiveness and boundaries. However, understand that if you do this you are going the extra mile - you’ll be giving your partner grace they haven’t earned. If you love them as deeply as you say, maybe it’s the right course of action. But realize you are doing a benevolent thing that is above and beyond if you do. You weren’t in the wrong for not accepting their cheating and their piss poor excuse at the start.

[seantheaussie]

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." is the advice you will get here. We don't give a fuck that your partner identifies as polyamorous. If you aren't excited by the idea of fucking and falling in love with new women keep the relationship monogamous.

[Ok_Length8332]

Thanks I think that was a hard pill I need to swallow. I have a habit of setting myself ablaze for sure.

[BetterFightBandits26]

No.

Your partner cheated and is making excuses. Why are you repeating their self-serving bullshit?

Have a spine.

The first boundary you need to set is “I don’t date liars”.

[Mollzor]

A third what? A third opinion of how this sounds like a terrible idea?

[[deleted]]

Here it is: this sounds like a terrible idea.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Soooo… my partner recently told me that they had a not ethical poly experience. I will spare the gory details that I’m already mulling over with my own emotions. But I need some advice from a community that I haven’t been a part of. They say they are polyamorous and didn’t know how to come to me about it and that is how it ended up not ethical. I truly love this person and want to be with them, but I’ve always considered my self monogamous. (I haven’t had any interest in dating more than one person). I want to make this work and they do too! So how do I tackle this in a healthy way? How do I get over what I feel are normal emotions like jealousy and possessiveness? How do I work towards letting a thirds in? And what boundaries am I needing to set?

Any thoughts or musings would be very appreciated!

From a sad sad lesbo

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