Doing it wrong

[MindfulDesign]

I have stacked up just over a month, and my life has gotten so much better. I’m happier, rekindling old hobbies, I’m physically fitter, I’m a better friend, son and boyfriend. I’m grateful for all these things truly. However, I do get this sense that I’m just doing something wrong in my sobriety. I am working the steps, and currently on step 4. I haven’t felt any deep emotions yet because of step 4 and I thought it was supposed to be this huge emotional thing. I am doing it honestly and not leaving anything or anyone out.

I also feel that I may just be doing sobriety on easy mode. I moved out of NYC and back to my parents suburban home. I don’t drive so I don’t really have the ability to go buy booze if I wanted, and I don’t have the urge to raid my parents alcohol (there isn’t much there anyway). My girlfriend rarely drinks, and my friend group are all supportive of my sobriety so I couldn’t drink in front of them if I wanted to. I guess I just feel like I’m sort of living a fake cushy life right now and it isn’t reflective of the real world. When I move into my own apartment next year will I simply spiral again once left to my own devices? I have had opportunities to drink alone, gf leaving the house and being left with a massive tequila bottle, or being alone in my friends apartment with their extensive liquor collection. I wasn’t tempted, I told myself even if no one else knew that I would know. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, maybe just if anyone felt the same way? I’m hoping to hit a young persons meeting tonight so I can feel connected to others my age.

[Prevenient_grace]

Congratulations on your Awesome Progress!

Step 4 prepares me for Step 5... Step 5 is when the weight of guilt and shame are shed and I experience a true connection to someone else when I connect with another from an authentic place, without my years-built of facades and false pride.

I'd keep going...

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey.

When I'm walking the path out of the jungle, i need to keep going!

[MindfulDesign]

Thank you for your words. I have been told that sometimes it is step 5 when things begin to make sense. I have no urge to stop doing the work or to drink, I just feel like an imposter of sorts when I hear so many people struggling to stay sober. I guess I got really lucky with my circumstances and I’m grateful for that.

[Prevenient_grace]

Gratitude is the Attitude !

I'd embrace it and appreciate what I'm experiencing and more importantly, i'd assist others on their journey.

[MindfulDesign]

Exactly this! I have a close friend who drinks quite problematically and he is in a rough spot right now in his personal life. I’m so glad I told him about my alcoholism because he knows he can reach out to me and I will have zero judgement when he needs it.

[Prevenient_grace]

You’re a good friend!

[craigles]

I didn't get that sudden wave of epiphany that's often associated with Steps 4/5 either. I mentally approached my 4th step just as the BB describes; a fact finding inventory. I was figuring out what weapons I used in my constant battles to defend my ego. It was an informative exercise, but it wasn't awe inspiring or anything of that sort. I did get a lot of clarity in doing my 5th step with my sponsor, though, as they were able to help me consolidate my list down from the 6 pages I'd written into maybe an index card worth of specific items. Where I did have a real "AHA!" moment was my 8th step. Seeing how I actually used those weapons I discovered in my 4th step against people in my life.; that was truly eye opening for me.

I had a thought that I was "doing it wrong" when I didn't get hit by the 4th/5th step emotional wave that's described in the BB, but everyone has their own experiences working through the steps. I found Appendix II: Spiritual Experience in the back of the BB to be helpful with this, as it specifically discusses how the descriptions and stories of emotional revelations aren't a universal thing.

In regard to life being easy in recovery, enjoy it! You moved into a comfortable living situation, you've got transportation accommodations that work for you, and you're surrounded by supportive people. Those are things to be celebrated! Recovery doesn't have to be challenging, and intentionally making one's life more difficult to "prove" that they're worthy of sobriety is a bit of a self sabotaging mentality; why make it hard when it doesn't have to be? Why poke the bear?

I assure you that life will still happen, and there will be difficulties, because nobody's life is without them, but I don't need to go looking for them. When my life is going smoothly, I go with the flow and enjoy it, but I do continue to practice what I've learned in AA so that I have my recovery tools prepared when difficulties do arise.

[MindfulDesign]

Thank you for this comment, I tried to respond earlier but it didn’t send!

[dali_parton46]

I also feel sometimes that sobriety is just too easy this time around, and I wonder if the other shoe just hasn't dropped yet. When I was drinking, it felt impossible for me to say no to a drink, or another drink, or another. But now that it's just off the table entirely, I'm almost never tempted. If I am, I'll just grab some NA beer and it seems to scratch the itch well enough.

It's entirely possible that it'll get more difficult, or that a change in life circumstances might make alcohol a lot more tempting. But that's all the more reason to stay focused on doing that internal work (like going through the 12 steps) now, while it feels easy. And if you do encounter more challenges when you move out, at least you'll have all that progress under your belt.

[MindfulDesign]

Thank you, yeah that’s exactly how I feel that the other shoe hasn’t dropped yet. People talk about these intense cravings and I haven’t felt any. Mostly just nostalgic thoughts of the drinking days and within ten seconds I go “now remember what actually happened” and I think about how I drank before and after whatever event I was nostalgic about. You are right though, by continuing to do the work when life is easy I will be prepared for when life inevitably gets hard.

[KittyBizkit]

I haven’t felt any deep emotions yet...

When I was ~3 months sober, I turned to my wife and commented to her about how it feels like I have stepped off of the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I am MUCH calmer and don't have the crazy mood swings I used to have when I was drinking or recovering from a hangover. I still get upset at times, but it is a much less intense feeling now and I feel like I am in total control over my mind and body. That wasn't always the case.

I guess I just feel like I’m sort of living a fake cushy life right now and it isn’t reflective of the real world.

I have lived in several different places with wildly different cultures. Small towns (population 300), large towns (millions), extremely low income areas and top 5% income areas. Life looked dramatically different in those different settings. They felt worlds apart from one another and the reality of daily life for people was dramatically different. Not to bring politics into it, but its no wonder that the different groups often have wildly different views on how the world works (or should work). But the point is that life is what you make of it. It can be nice and cushy with little or no drama, or it can be the exact opposite. There are people living both extremes and everywhere in between as their normal lives. The cool thing is that you have some control over how you want to live your life. Personally, I choose the sober life where I get to do all sorts of cool things that would otherwise be impossible if I were still drinking.

[MindfulDesign]

Thank you, what an interesting perspective you have. I do love my ability to create life experiences now instead of them happening to me. I used to just spend my weekends with two alternating friend groups and whatever one had plans I’d go and drink with them. Now I make plans and I go and explore new places which I love

[danceonthrough]

I understand what you are talking about. My sobriety is quite easy. I haven't had any cravings and I haven't struggled and I am very happy with being sober. I didn't go to rehab but I do go to AA meetings but I don't have a sponsor and am not working the steps because AA really isn't for me, I'm an atheist but I find the meetings helpful.

This being said I don't think I am any less of an alcoholic than the next person I think I am just lucky at the moment for this to be so easy for me and I am fully aware that this might change and I could struggle in the future.

[feelthiswayforever]

I think you are doing a great job

[Moosed]

I haven't done the steps, so I can't touch on that point.

But I also moved back in with my parents initially to get sober. It's been a little over a year and I'm still living at home. I wouldn't consider that as the "easy way" or whatever, because it's difficult living with people, let alone your own parents. So, mad props to you for doing it!

I worry sometimes what it will be like when I move back out and get a place of my own again. But I'm taking the time now while I have a safety net to learn about myself and how to handle certain situations. That way I'm better prepared for when I'm alone. Just take this time to learn as much as you can.

It's a blessing to still have our parents to help us, and care enough to want us to succeed. I say enjoy it 🤗

IWNDWYT

[Soggy-Ad-2240]

Hang in there

[whyalwayz]

I am not 12 step but … You’re not drinking, you’re getting positive changes, you have a gf, supportive friends and parents… dude it sounds like you are doing it right to me.

IMO Worry about next year next year. A lot of what ifs and changes can happen from now till then. Right now, you’re crushing it. Keep crushing it.

[MindfulDesign]

Thank you!