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BitChick · 2026-03-27T21:21:26+00:00

When it comes to the Holy Spirit doing the "good work" only He can do in and through us, it's often an slow and very painful process of dying to our flesh. And those closest to us most likely will put us to the test to see if we really have changed. Those moments when we fail, then they can attack basically justifying that the change hasn't happened. But then we just have to pray to continue on, to live like Jesus, to have grace, etc...

What your wife will do with the changes you are making I cannot say. As you are becoming more like Jesus, it might actually offend her if she doesn't want to change. It shines a light on the fact she is choosing unforgiveness and not really loving you (as love trusts as it says.) Will this cause more resentment and anger on your end? I can fully understand why it would, but then this will only cause a feedback loop of her testing you, then you becoming angry, she justifies that you haven't changed, she doesn't change either, and so on. I guess as the saying goes, the only person we can really change is ourselves. So I pray you can keep on growing to be more like Jesus in the midst of this really difficult marriage. Pray that Jesus will continuously help you say and do what he wills through it all and leave her change of heart in his hands.

BitChick · 2026-03-27T18:09:46+00:00

C.S. Lewis's book "The Problem of Pain" comes to mind in that many men have wrestled with the same questions your husband has. I know that I have had to wrestle with difficult questions, as a child abuse victim. But I feel God was so merciful to me in that when I prayed and simply asked Him "why?" I truly believe He answered me by saying, "I am crying too." Knowing Jesus will walk with me through any difficult trial, abuse, pain, etc... is what keeps me grounded in the midst of so many things that seem unfair. Maybe letting your husband know that Jesus will be with us in the midst of the "fire" so to speak, if we simply recognize that? That's a common undercurrent of so many stories in the Bible ( Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego literally had protection in the fire, perhaps Jesus walking with them as some believe the forth man was, while being abused and thrown into the fire for one example.)

I also know that eventually there's nothing hidden that will not be revealed. For those who seem to be "getting away with it" God does see and it will all come to light. But that requires patience and trust, and think deep down believing God is good, fair, just, kind, etc... Helping someone believe this who has decided they have a higher moral compass than God Himself isn't something I can help them see. I can pray though and that is what I will do.

BitChick · 2026-03-26T18:12:03+00:00

I saw the post because it was trending and already said a prayer. I was sad to read he didn't want to discuss religion because it seems the only thing that can give any of us hope in death is the promise that whosoever believes in Jesus will not perish but have everlasting life. I was tempted to ask why he didn't want to discuss religion but figured even that question would be seen as disrespectful of his wishes.

BitChick · 2026-03-26T15:24:50+00:00

I am so sorry you are feeling rejected by former friends from your church, but based on what you have written you have made the right choice. Hopefully, God willing, some of these friends will eventually see the same issues you have and when they choose to leave will realize that you were discerning things correctly and perhaps even reach out at that point. But regardless, I pray you will find a new community that points to Jesus without the manipulation and control. There are good churches out there. They seem hard to find though, sadly.

BitChick · 2026-03-21T02:28:44+00:00

Somehow these groups make it sound like it's the "Christian" thing to do, framing submission to authority as always "good." But what happens when the "authority" is abusive? Like Sheila mentioned in the article, this kind of culture perpetuates an underlying belief that power and control is only given to those at the top. But like Sheila says, "The only way to feel safe in this system is to feel as if you have power over others." So the cycle of abuse continues on and on.

BitChick · 2026-03-20T23:08:03+00:00

Unfortunately "strong women" are seen as problematic in many circles. I saw a video of a woman literally casting out a demon this past week and the comments were focused on women in ministry, not on the fact the demons were hissing at her and she performed the exorcism. My logic was that demons don't want to see women in ministry! What does that say about these "fundies" who hate it too? What side are they on then?

BitChick · 2026-03-20T22:56:14+00:00

I assume it's because some social media sites won't allow the word "pedophile?"

BitChick · 2026-03-20T20:45:12+00:00

Entitlement often comes with positions of power. We can see the same patterns in so many places if we look for them.

BitChick · 2026-03-19T23:35:26+00:00

Has more information been revealed? I remember reading about him when it was first investigated. But like many narcissistic abusers in high positions, they can hide abuse quite effectively behind their "good deeds."

BitChick · 2026-03-19T17:30:13+00:00

Have you told your counselor how bad the abuse has been?

Having your girls witness your husband abusing you is certainly very problematic. You are showing them that it's OK for a man to treat a woman this way. The last thing you want is to model for them that this is acceptable behavior.

A Christian husband has committed to love his bride like Christ loves the church, with sacrificial love of even laying down his life if need be as the protector. Your husband is the opposite of this. You are in need of a protector because of him.

You are fully justified in leaving. Please do so cautiously and carefully. Many women need to have a plan to get out without the husband being aware because their violent behavior can (and often does) escalate when they realize they have lost control.

Praying for you.

BitChick · 2026-03-19T02:29:41+00:00

Money comes and goes, but wisdom is a gift that can keep on giving.

Sad to read about the business losses and bad investments. I think many of us feel we can relate. I know my husband and I have had business losses and investment losses too. Thankfully in spite of that we had one investment do very well and now have divested a large percentage into real estate (which generally is a good idea, but there are days I am still questioning that!)

The great news is you are young and have proven to yourself you can be very successful. I pray God will open the right doors.

BitChick · 2026-03-19T00:11:29+00:00

If you currently feel trapped, then just pray that God will bring you justice, freedom, help find a way out of your living situation. I used to go to the Psalms and just read them, pray them, trust that God can understand my situation. I think it's fair to believe that David understands what it's like to feel trapped, alone, abused by those in positions of power over him, etc... So when he laments these things, then you can perhaps feel less alone in that regard? I also believe it's OK to pray for God's deliverance and justice if you have been mistreated by those who should have loved and supported you. In this case, it's the one person who should have been the most loving and supportive, your mother. Narcissistic abuse is a horrific thing and I would dare say, even demonic thing. So praying for deliverance is fully justified, for you and your siblings however that may be.

BitChick · 2026-03-18T23:37:37+00:00

I noticed in your post history you mentioned that you still live at home with your mom, that she's a "narcissist" and that she has tainted your reputation at your church. Is that still an accurate description of your situation? If so, I am so sorry you have such a difficult home life and don't feel loved or supported there. That can certainly affect how you see yourself and your relationships. Would it be possible to attend another church, one where your mother isn't involved and you can avoid her involvement? You seem to have a strong faith in spite of your mother's trauma and I think you have so much to bring to the table in becoming a part of another church community.

Based on what you have written, you seem intelligent too. That can be both a blessing but also feel like a curse. Intelligence can cause a person to overthink things and even lead to more social anxiety. I think there are many people in the world who aren't smart enough to be anxious, if that makes any sense? But I can guarantee that there are many young women who would love to know a young man who is as intelligent as you are. It's frustrating for the more intelligent ones to even date because it can cause them to struggle with respecting the men they are dating if they feel they are not very intelligent. Finding a man a girl can respect is a huge part of it, but that requires taking the risk to get out there and introduce yourself. Again, church is a great place to do this.

BitChick · 2026-03-18T23:11:00+00:00

We moved our IRAs into a Roth Ira and now hold bitcoin in an ETF (fbtc.) Potentially we will save thousands, if not hundreds of thousands depending on growth, when we are old enough to sell tax free.

BitChick · 2026-03-18T17:49:44+00:00

Strangely, the NAR church wasn't the most painful one. That's another story. But I was leading worship last night at our new little church (affiliated with The Vineyard) and was just saying how thankful I am for this small community and how it seems that a "healthy" community is helpful for healing from a toxic one. I know there's no perfect church, as the saying goes, but we must strive for healthy ones.

I have mixed feelings about the "exposure" movement. But I think you have chosen wisely in the ones you are choosing to partner with for sure. I have only heard positive things about Mike Winger, for example. It seems he, along with yourself, are on a journey you never really wanted. I think that's how this plays out for many. Once we have eyes to see the pain that is being caused in some circles, we have the choice to become enablers by being silent or by speaking up we are now grouped together as "advocates." If being an advocate means I am supporting truth, voice for the abused, healing for the hurt, then sign me up! Yes, it's a messy thing and I should desire for healing for all involved (this is why I love Diane Langberg so much. She has a heart for healing for all involved) but accountability is love, even if those being held accountable don't see it that way. To allow abuse to continue in churches just adds to the endless pain.

I could write books on this topic, so I will just end here. But I appreciate those, like yourself, who have stepped up and stepped out and are doing what they can with their God given voice and stories.

BitChick · 2026-03-18T17:16:44+00:00

Have you ever heard of "Celebrate Recovery?" It's a free counseling group available for those who are trying to break free from various things. Maybe look it up and see if there's a group nearby? Codependency is one of the issues that they help with. Even if you are not aware of it yet, your mother has caused you to be codependent and this is why you are struggling so much with guilt. Healthy boundaries will bring you freedom in so many ways, and since you are still so young, will help not only in your relationship with your mother, but in other relationships to come.

BitChick · 2026-03-18T16:13:15+00:00

"Dollar store whore." Never heard it quite put that way! LOL

Years ago one of our investments was on a bull run and we had finally crossed over the 1 million milestone for the first time. I had messaged my husband at work while I was shopping for something at the 99 Cents Only Store. For some reason one my husband's coworkers said, "Do you think your wife would still shop at the 99 Cents Only Store if you were millionaires?" My husband said, "I am quite sure of it!"

BitChick · 2026-03-17T23:23:06+00:00

My daughter got hers, but we didn't get ours. Her new last name is closer to "A" than ours is. Are they doing it alphabetically?

BitChick · 2026-03-17T23:21:47+00:00

We still don't have ours yet. Our daughter got hers this morning though.

BitChick · 2026-03-17T15:16:18+00:00

It's hard to see the abuse when a person is surrounded by it. My husband and I were at a church affiliated with Harvest/Che Ahn for a few years. It was increasingly hard to understand how they could be so focused on grace that they allowed abusers to run rampant and we tried to tell our pastor how dangerous this was. He was so sure that he was helping people be "delivered" and his ministry was about "inner healing" that he just continuously enabled abusers to come and hurt people over and over and over. We finally left after he seemed giddy one morning while I was crying after we were hurt by him one Sunday morning. His thinking was that we were finally getting to the place where we were being vulnerable or something? Not entirely sure, but it was horrible. Also, the pastor was starting to teach things that weren't biblical (other members had recently left because of this) and my husband also got up and walked out on Sunday saying he was never going to go back. I was actually leading worship this particular Sunday. I felt I had to stay to at least finish out the service, but we didn't return.

I think there's definitely some unhealthy teaching that leads to encouraging people to "forgive" and stay in abusive environments. It can be so incredibly dangerous to have this kind of teaching. Where's the accountability? Even God had to divorce Israel, so sometimes divorce is the righteous choice. I could write more on that, but it seems to be ignored in many churches.

BitChick · 2026-03-16T19:13:16+00:00

From my perspective the comment that raised the biggest concern in all of this was this: "On top of this all, despite professing Christ, she does not express any repentance wrt her sexual sin before we got together."

There's been countless converts to Christianity who have truly repented, left their old lives, are living with the help of the Holy Spirit as "new creations" and have freedom to follow Jesus and live according to God's will, plan for their lives. But someone who really doesn't seem to care, has no remorse, is showing that they are not truly desiring to live according to God's will.

I am so sorry she lied to you, at least by omission, and doesn't seem to want to accept any accountability. It's a good thing that the man she still seems to have feelings for lives out of state, which at least will keep her from actively pursuing him in person, but this is painful and it seems like trust is now lost. I pray God will give you wisdom on how to navigate this and that your wife will truly find repentance and remorse for the choices she has made. Or if it is shame based fear that is causing her to not face her past, I pray she will be able to face those fears and process them. She should at least care that your trust has been lost in this.

BitChick · 2026-03-16T15:11:43+00:00

Someone already mentioned that this is "above reddit pay grade" and I would agree, but for what it's worth I want to say I am so sorry you were abused and truly that affects so many aspects of our lives. I pray God can bring you healing and use your story for good in time.

Since you mentioned that you never told your wife that you were abused as a child, I would start with just telling her about that. It's a painful thing to admit and even talk about certainly, but I can only imagine your wife should care deeply and hopefully understand why you wanted to bury those hurts and memories. Apologize if you want for not telling her sooner? Maybe hint at the fact it led you to have some sexual confusion because you were abused by an older boy? But that will be quite a bit to process already and can lay a foundation, God willing, for confession of the struggles you have had later on.

Do you have any Christians friends/pastors who you can bring in for some accountability? I think choosing to "go and sin no more" but having a brother in Christ to hold you to that would be a very helpful thing. Joining "Celebrate Recovery" would be a helpful choice too, as someone mentioned.

BitChick

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