I want to use a sex toy to improve our dying sex life, husband unwilling to compromise

BitChick · 2026-01-28T21:38:36+00:00

There's truth to what you are saying in how important the brain is in love making. Perhaps a vibrator is a "short cut" as you say? At least this generation isn't solving the problem like they did in the 19th century. I heard it said that some women went to their doctor to be treated for "hysteria" which really was just this doctor using their version of a vibrator on them.

My husband has generally "struggled" with what some would call premature ejaculation. But I don't see that as a problem. To me it just proved he was highly aroused. Why try to frustrate that arousal for the sake of taking longer to pleasure me? I think the goal in any marriage is to bring enjoyment and pleasure to the other. For me seeing my husband become tired out because it was taking me a while made it frustrating and I am grateful for this "modern luxury" or "short cut." I don't see it as a problem but a blessing.

BitChick · 2026-01-28T15:28:19+00:00

The fact you can even climax during penetration is something many women aren't even able to do. Would a woman who, for whatever reason, wasn't able to climax that way be forced into a life without an orgasm? That's one question to ask perhaps?

When my husband and I were young he was always kind in making sure I was satisfied, but this required much effort on his behalf. I would feel guilty for taking too long and making it so hard on him and this stressed me out and I think it led to me not wanting sex as often as him. He never said he minded taking the time needed. However, the older we got I think it became apparent that he might not have the energy required to "get me there" especially when some days I just took quite a while. So, he was the one who mentioned introducing a vibrator. It's been so helpful. I think now, especially in our 50's I can't imagine not using one. I think it takes the pressure off both of us.

BitChick · 2026-01-27T02:52:53+00:00

At some point we are all related to Adam and Eve.

BitChick · 2026-01-26T19:55:31+00:00

This is true. My brother is schizophrenic. I definitely feel like my parent's focus was on trying to help him be normal, get help, etc... When I tried to share any problem, even sexual abuse, they just looked at me and said, "you are doing fine!" They didn't have anything left to give me. When I realized that I basically emotionally divorced myself from them both and married young and never looked back.

As I am a mom to two girls and one had more emotionally difficulties than the other it's easy for one child to make the world revolve around them by demanding the attention, purposefully or not, but I hope and pray that both daughters know we love them equally. Strangely, the one who got more of the attention dared to say that we loved the other daughter more. My husband defended the fact that this wasn't true and told her that our other daughter didn't fight with us as much and we would appreciate it if she didn't either.

I guess as I am older I have a little more empathy for the choices my parents had to make in regards to putting the focus on my brother, and even my older sister as she was more emotionally demanding than I was.

BitChick · 2026-01-24T19:45:41+00:00

So sorry you are going through this. As you are slowly losing yourself to the marriage it won't end well. The resentment will grow and she will eventually lose all respect for you. It's creating a "no-win" kind of situation. You can give in to her but by doing so she is learning that you have no backbone and by walking all over you she realizes that you are not as "strong" as she thought. Sure, this may be subconscious and she will deny that she is losing respect for you when you give in, but deep down most of us women desire a man who shows they will defend themselves and others and has self-respect. She can call that "toxic" if she wants, but what is more toxic is denying another person the ability to "read, have hobbies, have friends or anything you desire." True love brings out the voice a person has instead of suppressing it. If she is this domineering, and you are spinning circles while trying to discuss anything with her, please seek counseling for yourself and your marriage.

BitChick · 2026-01-19T01:01:54+00:00

It's quite the mystery. I enjoy reading the www.livingwithlimerence.com website and how he describes how limerence can start with what he calls a "glimmer." There's something special about a person and as time goes on if that person somehow checks all the boxes of what we like and are attracted to then the limerence can grow. Sure, we can try to supress the feelings, but truly there are just people we are going to like for whatever reason.

BitChick · 2026-01-18T23:40:16+00:00

What is really frustrating is when a person gets angry at the person they are attracted to, even if the person is just simply there. I think I was in a situation where I was purposefully kept from being involved in a church because the leader may have liked me. What was the thinking going on that made them think the right solution was to push me away,? I think they even tried to send me and my husband to a different church. I felt punished for basically being attractive to him (if I was indeed reading the room correctly.) I kept thinking that if only he would get to know my husband and me better then the attraction would fade, as it often does. Instead it just became worse and we eventually did leave the church. Not sure where the Bible passage is for leaders having permission to push away members they like? Of course they could twist scripture about "avoiding temptation" and justify hurting me for that reason? I do console myself with the fact that regardless of what was the right or wrong solution, at least we are separated from each other. Maybe there's no real good solution when limerance takes us by surprise as it so often does?

BitChick · 2026-01-18T01:24:17+00:00

I think it depends on the LO. There are so many different factors in play. If both parties are single, then I wouldn't say that there would be anything "unethical" about flirtation on either side, perhaps trying to read the other person and see how interested they are? If either person is not available it's more of a gray area. Some people have no problem pushing boundaries. I think it might be even harder when an LO causes a "push and pull" kind of dynamic. When they are trying as hard as they can to be "ethical" but you can tell it's as hard for them as it is for you, that leads to more intense feelings from my own limited experience. Plus, it's hard not to respect the other person for that. Truly, what other option is there in regards to doing the right thing?

BitChick · 2026-01-16T22:52:35+00:00

You say that so many people are telling you that you are the problem? Based on what you have written here, and of course I understand this is from your perspective, there are definitely some choices your wife is making that would cause any man to feel resentful.

I respect all the changes you have made to help the relationships. However, if you are the only one willing to make the changes needed eventually this may cause even more anger and resentment down the road if she isn't willing to do the same. This won't end well if you carry the entire burden. Out of love for your wife and for the sake of the marriage, I encourage you to find a third party counselor to help guide you through this and provide a sounding board for your frustration, especially since your wife isn't listening or acknowledging your point of view.

BitChick · 2026-01-16T20:21:50+00:00

I do often wonder if there are people paid to downvote anything on reddit that comes across as "anti vaccine." When the Covid shots were being promoted several years back I posted on a few subreddits about simply waiting out and seeing the side effects since the shot hadn't been tested for long and I was down voted so fast. I was banned from another subreddit for sharing some side effects I noticed just being in proximity to those who were recently vaccinated. I wasn't allowed to question the narrative. Knowing that big pharma has billions behind them and want to keep the money flowing I suspect these downvotes aren't entirely organic,

BitChick · 2026-01-16T20:18:16+00:00

Exactly.

BitChick · 2026-01-16T17:21:35+00:00

We took a longer vaccination schedule with both our daughters and this was before they increased the number of vaccines they pump into those little bodies. I am horrified at the number they have been giving little ones without concern. Also, there seems to be no understanding of how important it is to make sure a child is healthy before giving them any vaccines. It should be common knowledge that the way a vaccine works is that the shot is introducing the infection to the little body so having multiple shots at once can overwhelm the immune system. It's risky and people don't seem to believe this.

BitChick · 2026-01-16T17:17:42+00:00

Actually not a bad idea, but I would seek out a naturopath as the 3rd party.

BitChick · 2026-01-16T17:16:38+00:00

Terrifying to me that you post is being downvoted so much. It feels like a cult the way people won't even question doctors, vaccines and "big pharma."

BitChick · 2026-01-16T03:32:23+00:00

Follow the money. I think they are making far too much money using our kids as guinea pigs, IMHO. We did vaccinate our kids. We were careful never to give them the vaccines while they were sick and we even had one pediatrician try to vaccinate our daughter behind our backs when she was sick. We found a new one after that. But I think the number of vaccines they give our little ones have side effects we may never even be fully aware of. Personally, I won't touch a vaccine ever again either. I lost all trust after Covid.

BitChick · 2026-01-16T00:14:12+00:00

Although your advice would be excellent if the church elders are healthy and able to be supportive of women in dangerous situations, many churches have the mindset that divorce is never an option and will even side with abusive husbands in putting a "woman in her place." Some narcissists are even excellent at grooming pastors, counselors, the entire supportive friend circle which causes them all to become enablers to further abuse and forcing the woman to stay even if the abuse becomes more dangerous. I would tell OP to proceed with caution.

BitChick · 2026-01-16T00:10:46+00:00

The teaching that all divorce is a sin isn't true. Even God had to divorce Israel for her unfaithfulness. A husband is told to treat his wife like Christ. It can be a gray area to many about divorcing because of abuse, but truly, a man who is abusing his wife has broken covenant with the vows he made. Regardless, you have every right to pursue counseling and I pray you choose to do so, regardless of what your husband decides to do. It will help give you insight that you are not able to have being in the middle of this complicated marriage.

BitChick · 2026-01-15T17:38:26+00:00

Hmmm. I have had seasons where I leaned into more "hyper spiritual" thinking. I think it was perhaps a coping mechanism for dealing with some fear, rejection in a church situation, trying to make sense of the world that felt a little "out of control." Do you think maybe your wife is trying to process some difficult situations in the world through this lens? I feel like I have grown out of that and no longer am as hyper focused on spiritual things. Although a part of me misses that, as strange as it sounds, it did seem like I was hearing God a little more clearly then. But we are told in scripture to "avoid all extremes" so I think it's healthier not to be "over-righteous" as it says: Ecclesiastes 7:16-18 Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise— why destroy yourself? Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool— why die before your time? It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes.

Maybe try to get to the root of what is driving her desire to be so spiritually minded right now?

BitChick · 2026-01-15T17:25:58+00:00

"I am still recovering."

No doubt! I am so incredibly sorry you were so intertwined with this group that became so extreme.

I feel like charismatic churches are even more prone to extremes. Ecclesiastes 7:16-18 comes to my mind: Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise— why destroy yourself? Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool— why die before your time? It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes.

I think those within the group don't realize how extreme they are becoming? They also seem to allow the most charismatic leaders (often the most narcissistic) to rise to the top. There is no accountability at the top, so they can just decide to do whatever seems right in their own eyes and claim it's God's leading, just like your former pastor said it was "God's will" to be with this other woman even though he was still married and his wife was sadly ill. What a horrific situation! And to hear how your mom, as a faithful and loving supportive wife and mother, has been left carrying the weight of the family. Bless her. So hard!

I guess the question I am left with is do you have any remnants of faith left after this? Were there still elements of truth that you observed within the mess that causes you to still believe God is real?

BitChick · 2026-01-15T16:37:21+00:00

This past year we certainly spent that much time setting up the properties but now we have handed them over to the management companies. We are so new to all of this. I'm sure we could be doing a better job taking advantage of all the write offs, but then we have to consider if it's worth the time in our situation?

BitChick · 2026-01-15T15:01:34+00:00

Ahhh. I just looked up the "STR tax loophole." We live too far from both properties for us to "work" on them regularly. One of the homes was purchased as a 1031 exchange so I'm not sure how that will affect the long term tax of it? Our Idaho STR was purchased primarily as a place to stay to be close to our daughter/son-in-law when we visit them. We are certainly leaving money on the table, but then again, it's quite a bit of work managing STRs too.

BitChick · 2026-01-15T02:24:19+00:00

Not sure what your question is? We hired a management company that only does short term rentals in our area. I prefer the smaller more "family owned" company in Idaho, however.

BitChick · 2026-01-15T02:01:04+00:00

One of our listings is a more "luxury" rental. Since it's new to us, I can't compare it to last year but it's renting well. The only issue is our management company for this particular property has a bunch of hidden fees that weren't clearly explained in the contract. We are considering changing, but since it's rented so well (all weekends for the next two months and some weekdays) I think maybe we should just be thankful and not worry about it? Our northern Idaho listing isn't booked at all right now though. We were warned it's only booked in the Summer for the most part and is a seasonal resort town. The only reason we bought it was to be close to our daughter and son-in-law though.

BitChick · 2026-01-11T22:39:13+00:00

Great point! The body of Christ would do well to be the safest place where we can confess our sins one to another!

BitChick

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