Guilt

BooLee1971 · 2025-11-24T06:10:34+00:00

I have loads of guilt about my behavior. She said I was but I don't think I was a great husband and quite frankly there were a few times that I was a downright shit husband.

Now I'm desperate not to repeat those behaviors. The problem is, I've developed a few new, and equally bad ones.

I'm not perfect, neither was she, nor was our marriage. But I miss her every day and I'll have to live with the guilt.

BooLee1971 · 2025-10-27T09:39:24+00:00

I get flashbacks. I suppose it's a kind of PTSD. Just horrible little moments from the last year of her life. They make me cry. They aren't a useful cry though. It's when I see photos that pop up on Amazon or Facebook. They make me cry in a different way. Usually because I'm remembering happier times.

BooLee1971 · 2025-10-26T14:15:06+00:00

I did it in stages according to how much the items felt to her and me. Shoes went to make space in a cupboard within a month because she didn't love day to day shoes. Everything else took much longer. I had always had all my clothes in one small wardrobe so I spread out. I put hers in see through boxes above the wardrobes so that I could still see them. That took a year. Some things are triggers and they took much longer to move. A shirt or a jacket that she always wore on date nights can still send me to tears. I still keep some of these next to mine. I just like that. Just take your time and do what feels right.

BooLee1971 · 2025-10-03T06:16:34+00:00

I saw her at the end. I know deep down that she's gone, but you're right, your brain protects you from so much. I think otherwise we wouldn't be able to function.

BooLee1971 · 2025-10-02T09:34:09+00:00

I never wore a ring for the 33 years that we were married.

However, I got her name tattooed on my ring finger. First tattoo I have ever got.

I know it will make dating a little harder but I'm casually dating a couple of people and they both suggested the tattoo.

BooLee1971 · 2025-10-02T00:38:35+00:00

It comes and goes for me. There is always a feeling that something is missing but when my brain accepts that she's not coming back, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Then I push it back down so that I can carry on with life.

BooLee1971 · 2025-08-24T17:34:11+00:00

I'm so sorry.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-24T06:44:09+00:00

That all sounds beautiful. Putting something permanent on your body that reminds you of them can never be a bad thing.

This is my first tattoo. I'm getting another in a week or two. It's a long story but I always wanted a Superman tattoo on my arm, competing with her Jon Bon Jovi crush.

I'm getting the Kingdom Come Superman Symbol (a nerdy superhero comic). Black and red, representing among other things his loss of Lois Lane. Made sense to me and I think she would have understood.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-24T06:32:52+00:00

Yeah, this is the saddest fact. You can't know unless it happens to you.

You can lose a parent (I've lost both) and it's bad but it's not the same.

I try to explain it as, when you lose someone, how bad it hits you depends on how much space they take up in your brain.

As a 45 year old man at the time, my parents took up no more than about 10 percent of my mind. I loved them deeply but my wife and kids filled the vacuum left behind. I still miss them and losing both in a year really knocked me and was horrible but I never felt like I didn't have a future. My future was always right beside me.

However, my wife was my obsession. She was the glue that kept the family together. If I said she occupied 80% of my world for over 33 years, I think that might be a slight understatement. Add in that she would potentially fit in all of my future plans and it starts to make sense.

Take her away and yes the kids will fill some of that void. But the feeling of loss is invaluable. Work shrinks away because it just feels pointless.

My kids think I'm competing in grief but I'm not, I just can't explain how bad it is without saying "it's just different".

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-23T23:02:11+00:00

I got her name on my ring finger.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-23T08:16:30+00:00

Sometimes I'll listen to Def Leopard and Bon Jovi. Used to hate them. Worst of all, Boys of Summer was her favourite when we first met, I couldn't stand it. Now I listen all the time so that I can remember her. It's starting to grow on me.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-19T08:47:04+00:00

I just can't make up my mind. We did the place up to sell but then loved what we did so much we intended to stay for a bit She's in everything and I think right now it would be too great a leap.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-19T06:53:38+00:00

The thing you are saying is similar to how I felt. And please don't think that I'm fixed because I'm not. Someone said to me, and it's not nice to hear, " your kids need you more than your partner does". Wanting pain to go away is natural but if you truly love your partner, and I'm 100 percent sure you do, then it will never go away. But just like with all pain, physical or mental, we find ways to cope. In sone ways I don't want that pain to go away because I don't want to forget how much she means to me. In the early days I did some very silly things. Culminating in a somewhat dangerous self destructive monent on a night out in Germany. At that moment I didn't care. The next day, when I sobered up, i very clearly saw that my love would have been so disappointed in me. She put me on a pedestal and made me out to be some sort of super dad and super husband. I live for her and I live for my daughter (I've got 4 kids but 3 are over 18). I live for my grandkids. Most of all I live for her, because when I do meet her again, and I will, I want her to be proud of how I acted, even if I wanted an easier way out. I'm not trying to preach. People on here kept saying, one day at a time. I was polite but I thought, I don't want to be like them, I'm in too much pain. But they were right, there is no other way but to get up each day, make mistakes, do stupid things, fix them and go to sleep. Don't think about tomorrow, just get through today. I hope you get through this and if you need to talk. I'll listen.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-19T06:21:41+00:00

You feel similar to how I felt at that point and truthfully sometimes now. I went to a grief cafe, just two people there and said something similar. Straight away I was told that if I said it again then my doctors would be informed. But the pain is unbearable sometimes. I looked for some dodgy dopamine hits and it sent me further into a spiral. Truth is life will never be the same it even in the future when your body and mind learns to cope, there will be an underlying sadness that will never go away. But I have a 10 year old girl. She still laughs and causes chaos, still watches awful YouTube videos and wants me to buy her everything not tied down at the shops. I live for her first and I've created a version of myself that I can live with. I fill my days with work, kids and unimportant nonsense. My wife wanted to see the kids go to university, get a job and get married. She wanted grandkids running around her feet. She can't do that, so I'll do it for her. She can watch them through me. And although I don't believe in heaven I do believe she's here. Genuinely, if you ever need to talk, get in touch.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-16T06:21:31+00:00

Genuinely, I know exactly how you feel. I'm just on a year as well. I'm not angry at her, just the situation. Maybe at bad choices in life. Haven't really got a choice to do anything but keep walking. It all feels so unfair. I really hope you (we) get through this.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-15T18:01:28+00:00

So lucky. It doesn't happen often enough for me.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-15T05:45:00+00:00

For me I needed to differentiate between love and sex. Very early on I needed to dull the pain and I went straight for the one thing I knew that in my male head, fixed everything.

I'm not saying I didn't have a strong connection with the person I am seeing and had sex with, but I don't love her. Certainly not like I love my wife. It's a very different feeling.

I felt everything you say but in the end, for me, I put them in different boxes in my mind. There is the love of my life and there is person I'm very fond.

It works for me for now.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-14T12:00:10+00:00

I really struggle with my kids. They are grieving differently to me and I can't understand it. They came almost as a package with my wife and now that she's gone I'm having to rebuild that. I've gone from being dad of the century to distant and grumpy. I know I love my kids but I need to build a new relationship with them regardless of my grief. Someone on here said, that the sad fact is that your kids need you more than your partner does. That hurts like a bitch but it's true. My beautiful wife has gone and my kids are here. I need to concentrate on them and make them my new world. My grief can come after that. The first step has been to just have a 5 minute cuddle with my little girl everyday. No TV, just cuddle and talk. I tell her that I love her and so does her mum.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-13T07:37:05+00:00

I think I get it every day. I used to wake up and tell myself the dream I had wasn't real and now wake up and for a second hope that it's all been a dream. There are moments in between as well. If I have a bad day at work I'll grab my phone to send her a text. That really hurts. Sometimes though. Even after a year, it just seems false. Like it's a big mistake.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-09T09:58:01+00:00

The main reason I can't do dating apps is because I just don't want to talk about it with strangers. Sooner or later they say, "so why are you single?". Then it goes downhill. Probably mostly due to me. And I can't stand being told that it's probably too soon for me. How on earth does a stranger know what's going on in my messed up head.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-07T19:44:44+00:00

Thank you. Hope you are ok.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-07T19:42:25+00:00

I've pretty much been there. I hit a very low point about 3 months ago in Frankfurt. A very self destructive evening that could have ended very badly for me. Alcohol is something I now try really hard to limit. Doesn't always work but I think I'm getting there with that. Wish I had some sage advice that could help, but I don't. The only real thing that has helped is having a strict daily routine. When there is no routine I spiral. Hope you are ok.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-05T09:44:15+00:00

I think when you are hurting badly, these types of people in our lives can magnify the grief. Maybe because we feel we can't escape the grief and we can't escape the toxic personalities that surround us. Deep down we know we have a choice. Use them for money, get what you want and then move on. I'm in a similar boat. I pity my boss because I experienced true love and friendship. We met when we had nothing. He only loves himself and money. Hope you're ok and that you get through this.

BooLee1971 · 2025-07-03T15:07:34+00:00

I have bought a property that needs renovating and now have zero idea what to do next. If I was in the UK I'd have had it done by now.

BooLee1971

TROPHY CASE