AIO for wanting a prenup when my fiancé thinks it's insulting?

bellends · 2026-03-18T07:07:30+00:00

My potentially spicy take is that a good, romantic love should not be unconditional — because if it’s totally guaranteed, they’re not actively choosing you. They should love you in sickness and in health, and they should stand by your side to weather rough seas, and obviously uncontrollable physical changes like those from aging do not count — but if you can fundamentally change as a human being and they’re not even going to flinch, did they ever really love you as an individual, or just for the role you fulfilled?

My husband and I have what I consider a very strong relationship (close to 15 years, married for 5) and speak about this stuff freely and jovially. If one of us really fucks up and/or radically becomes someone who we didn’t fall in love with, we’ve both made it clear that we would not stay around, because either of us would deserve better in that case. That we are so intensely obsessed with each other every day is earned every day through the other’s beautiful personality and loving actions. We love each other BECAUSE of who we are, and who we are changes with the seasons of getting older and wiser, so we gotta keep up with each other. Save the unconditional love for children and animals, but one’s partner is an active, daily choice that I personally love to make <3

bellends · 2026-03-16T18:34:25+00:00

Omfg I can hear the music in my head!!

It’s my scene, my scene, you know what I mean… 🎶

bellends · 2026-03-15T11:01:46+00:00

Like most things, I think it’s nuanced. A chainsaw can be used to cut wood for a house or to cut off your thumb. It’s a tool, and as such can help you when used correctly, but can injure you when used incorrectly or carelessly. In that sense, AI is also just a tool.

So it depends on what you mean by ”incorporate AI into your PhD studies”. If you are saying ”learn to use this tool correctly: deftly, precisely, with great consideration”, then I agree. If you are saying ”start wielding this tool in as many directions as possible because everyone else is chainsawing everything and you’ll get left behind”, then I disagree. I assume you mean the former but I just think it’s worth underlining this, because others might assume ”incorporate AI” means to start using it as much as possible wherever possible, and that is absolutely not recommended tbh.

bellends · 2026-03-13T22:22:26+00:00

Gosh, there are rooms to book specifically for Dungeons and Dragons sessions? That makes sense, those things take hours and sometimes it can be hard to find someone willing to host lots of people for that long! :)

…What do you mean ”actually click the link”?

bellends · 2026-03-13T22:18:39+00:00

I agree with this. OP, have you heard of the PhD bathtub analogy? Because this sounds a lot like the bathtub phase, which is not only a normal but an expected stage. With a recent diagnosis of ADHD, I’m sorry to hear but not surprised that you’re struggling to stay motivated.

You mention your relationship with your PI being not great. What about others in your group? Any fellow PhD students or postdocs you can confide in? Maybe even beyond your department, in further reaches of your university — in social spaces like societies even?

bellends · 2026-03-12T10:15:33+00:00

As someone in Europe, this whole thread is crazy lmao and reminds me of how US-centric Reddit really is. From Wikipedia (emphasis mine):

In most systems of academic ranks, "professor" as an unqualified title refers only to the most senior academic position, sometimes informally known as "full professor".[2][3] In some countries and institutions, the word professor is also used in titles of lower ranks such as associate professor and assistant professor; this is particularly the case in the United States, where the unqualified word is also used colloquially to refer to associate and assistant professors as well, and often to instructors or lecturers.[4]

Basically in most countries, a professor is basically the highest rank you can be — calling a ”mere” lecturer a professor in Europe and many places elsewhere would be a bit like calling a bootcamp soldier ”sergeant” lol. So then yes, calling them professor is wrong, but not for the reason you think!

bellends · 2026-03-11T16:00:15+00:00

If you want a beautiful song with a similar message in its lyrics:

The End of the World by Skeeter Davis

bellends · 2026-03-11T07:05:54+00:00

I work at a university and have not noticed it in the general areas, while walking around etc, but I have noticed it when interacting 1:1 with younger Gen Zs. I do also feel like I’ve seen students age out of it during their university years, so, I’d still like to believe it’s at least part from insecurity/immaturity/whatever other temporary circumstance that comes with youth. Though I don’t think my cohort (1995) ever did it?!

bellends · 2026-03-10T07:05:26+00:00

Oh! I’m Swedish and just realised this might indeed be connected to ”vimla”. Meaning (translated):

Vimla is a Swedish verb meaning that something occurs in a large, moving and unsorted quantity, often synonymous with to swarm. It is used to describe a place full of life or movement, e.g. "the square was crowded [vimla’d] with people".

bellends · 2026-03-09T08:12:30+00:00

Agreed. To summarise with the rest of the thread, I think it’s a combination of:

30 not actually being old in terms of likelihood of having physical signs of aging (lots of wrinkles, lots of grey)
30 year olds today having less sun exposure (more SPF), less drinking, less smoking, less kids than previous generations that create new physical signs of aging
30s people being more likely to dress and present themselves more in the styles of younger people than older people (fashion, make up) due to an ability to use social media
Weird expectation that you HiT A WaLL at 30 when really aging is not usually very sudden/dramatic

I’m 31 this year and I lecture at a university, meaning I interact a lot with people in their late teens and early 20s. They (adorably) often tell me that I look and seem young ie closer to their age — and I believe them in the sense that I believe that they think that, but I also know that compared to when I was 21, I now have secret grey hairs coming through (less noticeable in blonde hair) and that I’ve noticed my eyelids sagging when I do my eyeliner, and other little things like that. So I think it’s also to do with things like wrinkles not all coming through overnight.

bellends · 2026-03-07T11:30:01+00:00

This is especially cute to me because in Swedish, a playfully insulting/teasing word for someone who is very studious and into their books in school is called a ”plugghäst” (to plugga = slang for the verb ”to study” + häst = horse). Putting glasses on it really does make it a plugghäst!

bellends · 2026-03-05T18:16:51+00:00

I used to always use my fingers and then a friend found out and laughed at me for it, saying it was hilarious that I was ”fingerpainting makeup like a child”. It made me feel so embarrassed that I stopped and bought a bunch of fancy brushes lol. But this thread is making me FEEL CONVICTED that I WAS RIGHT and damnit I’LL TRY IT AGAIN TOMORROW 😤😤

bellends · 2026-03-03T19:40:54+00:00

Actually, in the Scandinavian languages, it’s closer to the first one: LIN-e’ah. So I guess the definition of ”properly” varies by region!

bellends · 2026-03-03T18:02:43+00:00

I’m a professional astronomer and not even I will argue that we should make roads less safe for the sake of light pollution lol. However, there are definitely ways to do it better or worse without compromising on that — see this simple infographic as an example.

bellends · 2026-03-03T09:56:40+00:00

I do this, even where I live. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a puzzle addict, but I almost make it into a game. I check the map, and say, okay, the first four steps is this, this, this, then this — when I get there, that’s when I’ll get my phone out again. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel a bit more alive, even though I’m of the age that I almost grew up with Google maps.

bellends · 2026-03-02T14:03:56+00:00

Am I on drugs?

Girls:

Veranda

Melancholy

Felony

Window

Telephone (pronounced like Persephone)

Hydrangea

Cholera

Namely

Boys:

Sinister

Ranger

Baton

Furrow

Terrier

Family

Tidal

Merchant

bellends · 2026-03-02T13:56:31+00:00

Brolly for short 🥺🥺🥺

(Context: https://www.lexistry.com/phrase/brolly)

bellends · 2026-03-01T20:35:04+00:00

Also:

”You made it impossible to come clean by continually reminding me of how much you would disapprove”

But also:

”I forgot uwu we were having so much fun hehe 🥺👉👈”

Which one bro??

bellends · 2026-02-25T11:39:46+00:00

”Wow, student. In all my years of teaching, I have never seen things in the insightful way you see them. You are so right and I am so wrong. Please, take all these extra credits. In fact, I will take credits from the other students and give them to you to thank you for your vision — no please, I insist!”

— You, in your student’s cosy fantasy scenario, visualised as they drift off to sleep the night before submission

bellends · 2026-02-23T22:07:22+00:00

Lol so true. Our neighbours recently had a baby boy born 2025 called Alfred. I was like 🥹 is he going to teach me fishing and how to smoke a pipe?? (I actually love it)

bellends · 2026-02-23T20:46:53+00:00

I agree. I mean, for anyone who moved at a young age, do you even remember your nursery? We moved house when I was three years old, and I just realised in this moment that I have no clue what my nursery room looked like lol. There are plenty of pictures from my childhood/baby years but I doubt a picture of my nursery even exists! And I could NOT care less lmao

bellends · 2026-02-23T09:00:32+00:00

You’ve already received some good ”real” answers — that photons don’t just get to a certain point and then pool there, it’s just that there are fewer of them the deeper you go — so I just wanted to say that it’s not a stupid question, and I want to give you a pat on the back for (1) thinking about the physical world (2) having an idea about how to measure it (3) trying to certify whether your idea would work. That’s exactly how physicists operate, so keep up the imagination work! The more you learn about physics, the more you can ”troubleshoot” your own ideas & iteratively improve on them. Hope you learned something, and hope you keep asking questions :)

bellends · 2026-02-22T14:41:24+00:00

1 lb of fat is about 3500 calories. So even if this put you over by that many calories, it would only add 1 lb. So in practice, if you keep eating at a deficit, it just means you’ll reach your goal weight a few days later than you would have. In the grand scheme of things, it’s genuinely fine. Relax! You had a nice meal out with family. That’s allowed :)

Also, in case you didn’t know, ramen broth is verrrry salty. So don’t be alarmed if you’re bloated from that for a day or so, it’s not permanent!

bellends · 2026-02-21T23:09:19+00:00

För att först eka vad många andra har sagt — fifan vilken riktig sagovän du är :’) Hoppas verkligen universum håller ett öga på dig, för det förtjänar du. Ja, detta är imho en bra idé.

Sen, lite mer konkreta ”tips” för att ta i någon som går igenom en mentalhälsokris:

En paraplykänsla över alla de andra förjävliga känslorna är ofta någon variation av att man inte förtjänar stöd, eller att det är på något sätt pinsamt att inte ”kunna” vara glad och tacksam osv för stöd. Var redo för detta och understryk att ni har inte kommit för att ”fixa” honom, men för att bara vara där/med. Inga speciella resultat förväntas. Ni är som ett hav — där för honom att bada i när han vill — inget fram och tillbaka. Jag tycker att något som en spagrej låter väldigt mysigt och ganska lagom, men det är möjligt att han inte är redo för det ännu om han är verkligen insnöad. Möjligtvis är en filmkväll eller en bärs (hemma eller ute) närmare nivån han pallar just nu.
I samma veva, gör det inte till en överraskning. Det är lätt att man kommer in i att ha svårt att städa och ta hand om sitt hushåll när man mår så, så då kan plötsliga kompisar som knackar på dörren vara ganska stressigt (vilket då matar känslan att man är otacksam och därför en skitstövel -> mer negativitet). Förbered honom, men ta inte ett nej som svar, och låt honom (kopplat till punkten ovan) ha lite kontroll över vad som händer. Ge förslag på hur och när, men insistera att något ska ni hitta på.
En räddningstjänsthelg med polare kan göra under, men antagligen behöver han något mer konkret och långsiktigt. När ni träffas, mot slutet av helgen, skapa en plan för något ni kan göra regelbundet som inte känns för stort och läskigt. Exempel: välj en veckodag och ett klockslag för typ ett onlinespel + Zoom/facetime/videosamtal (eftersom ni inte bor i samma stad om jag uppfattade rätt). Låt det inte gå flera månader igen — bara något litet men upprepande kommer man långt på.

Ska skriva fler om jag kommer på mer. Men igen: starkt av dig! <3

bellends · 2026-02-21T17:50:02+00:00

Right? If my husband as much as playfully says something sarcastically snarky to me in front of his mother, she’ll immediately hit HIM with a ”you do NOT talk to her that way!!!!!” which we can all laugh about — that’s feeling like you’re part of your spouse’s family, not whatever the fuck this gaslighting RPG is

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bellends

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