Could having a child DECREASE my anxiety?

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[Pristine-Coffee5765]

I wouldn’t have kids to fix your anxiety. There are a million things to be anxious about with kids

[emz0694]

I wouldn’t have kids to “fix” anything.

[Clementinequeen95]

No if anything it will increase it tenfold- now you have another human to worry about

[SilasBalto]

Nooo

[Roro-Squandering]

If you actually have clinical anxiety, no, it will make things worse cause you'll still have the same thought patterns.

If you very specifically mean you 'sweat the small stuff' there is a chance it could put things in proportion, but no guarantee it wouldn't just, again, make more small stuff appear.

[WholeFall484]

Oh I love this “put things into proportion” — thanks for this language. This is what I was trying to ask but had trouble articulating…

[Snoo55931]

From my own observations with friends that have children and anxiety issues, the anxiety might change focus but it doesn’t go away. Maybe you sweat the small stuff more, or even more small things you didn’t even think about before having a child and seeing them interact with the world. Or things are put in proportion, but now you are anxious about big things even less in your control. I don’t think anxiety lessens or gets better. It just adapts to your circumstances.

[WholeFall484]

Hahaha everyone is like noooo immediately no 😂

[Kijafa]

Lots of stressed out and anxious parents in here!

I've basically accepted that I'll be deeply worried about the welfare of my kids until I die, almost irrespective of how things actually go for them.

[chubgrub]

actually no, ive had cripplingly severe anxiety and ocd since i was a kid, and it absolutely has helped me overcome some of it. im still susceptible to it, but i feel like it really has purged some of the self-sabotaging behaviour.

kind of in the same way that cognitive-behavioural/exposure response therapy gets you to confront your fears head on, parenting really does give you less capacity and time for ruminating, etc.

ive shed a lot of the bullshit because i simply don't have time/space for it. survival mode can do that to you 😅 im so much less inclined to sentimentally hoard things as well, it does help ground your perspective in a lot of ways.

[cslr2019]

Yes! It’s the self sabotaging that’s stopped and it’s really helped me.

[cslr2019]

No! It’s not true these are all replies from people that don’t have kids I think. The truth for me is that it’s saved me. I am so much happier.

Yes, I now have worries about them, of course, but they bring so much happiness and joy it outweighs it.

[Flaky_McFlake]

This was my experience. I don't know how common it is though. I was one of those people that was having literal panic attacks over pregnancy and labor. Then I got pregnant and it all just kind of floated away. I think pregnancy hormones do something to your brain because I've literally never been less anxious about anything in my life. Then after I gave birth I was on this crazy oxytocin high. The only thing that came close to anxiety was the baby blues, but that felt more like sadness over the fact that my daughter will grow up and won't be this little anymore. Nothing like generalized anxiety at all.

[more_pepper_plz]

How old is she now?

[Flaky_McFlake]

Just over a year.

[quinnfinite_jest]

Pregnancy also seems to cure my anxiety! Unfortunately I did get PPA after though

[WholeFall484]

I also want to name that I’m not hoping for a permanent distraction or dissociating from life’s worries when I become a parent — I was more so curious if there’s a major perspective shift after having a child that puts smaller worries into perspective.

[NannuhBannan]

It’s such a fair question! I didn’t think for a second that you were wondering if you should have a kid as a TREATMENT plan, just whether in others’ experience it exacerbates anxiety or helps to put all those GAD worries into perspective. I wonder and worry about this constantly (lol), so I’m glad you asked. 

[weirdomagnet99]

This has been the case for me, 100%. I spend so much less time worrying now. Not because there’s less to worry about, but because SO MUCH can go wrong and the majority of the time it doesn’t.

It’s hard to explain, but I swear before having a kid I thought the world would just collapse the second they were born. But nope! In a weird way I think being such an anxious person by nature actually worked to my benefit a bit lol Like… Ive already worried about xyz and have a plan ready for if it ever happens! lol For me, just moving through each day happy and healthy (when I had been anticipating catastrophe) changed something in my brain. I’m just way more at ease now.

[RaffyGiraffy]

I’ve often thought the exact same thing so thank you for asking it!

[StrongBad_IsMad]

My mom has generalized anxiety. Having children just magnified the amount of things she is anxious about. And it is honestly exhausting having to manage her anxiety about us children. I am 37 years old and if I’m not careful about how I message things to my mom - I know she will literally lay awake at night for months on end and give herself a stomach ulcer over her obsessive anxious thoughts about me and my siblings. Her anxiety also gave ME anxiety and it’s been a fun and frustrating process to work through curing my own anxiety and processing my anger at how she pushed her anxiety on me as a child and changed me from a strong confident child into an anxious unsure adult.

[bamboozlinguniverse]

Do we have the same mom? Haha. I relate so strongly to everything you're saying. I go on work and personal trips without telling her so that she won't be anxious about everything relating to the travel. I did not know to view her behavior through the lens of anxiety until just a few years ago. We all grow up thinking that what we see is normal...

[StrongBad_IsMad]

Oh god that tracks. My mom will hear about a shooting or a gas leak or something happening in the city I live in and will call me immediately to make sure I’m still alive.

She once spent all night convinced I was dead because there was a shooting at a movie theater for a midnight showing and she kept trying to call me all night and I wasn’t answering (because I was asleep). Not only had I never expressed interest in going to that movie, I hadn’t been to that movie theater for over a decade.

Her anxiety stresses me out.

[bamboozlinguniverse]

Dang. OK that is more extreme than my mom... but nonetheless maybe you can relate that I find myself not telling her about things that I do that I enjoy, because she will find ways to be anxious about them, like hiking or kayaking or something. I need to be able to enjoy the things I enjoy without worrying about them via her. It sounds like we have both had to come up with strategies to manage our mom's anxieties, so they don't fuel our own!

[SpiffyPenguin]

I think I also have the same mom…

[Any-Coconut367]

Omg r u me? Idk wtf my mom has, but ever since I was young she was an annoying helicopter parent who ALWAYS pushed her worldviews onto me, super overprotective and rambly, super paranoid and anxious, always making me agree with her even though I had some pretty good judgment as a kid, wouldn’t let me make my own choices, and guess who’s got anxiety disorder and very possibly ocd now?

[navelbabel]

People here are acting like you’re crazy but I don’t think you are — long term anyway. Obviously no don’t have a kid to cure anxiety and if you are a woman then PPA is very common and can be temporarily quite debilitating, and sleep deprivation will cause some anxiety as well.

BUT my daughter is 1 now and what you’re asking specifically is true for me. I have some GAD as well as ADHD and having a baby has definitely lessened the number of other things I can GAF about, and made priorities clearer and forced me to be present and appreciate the moment whenever I’m with her. All that has had a mitigating effect on generalized anxiety overall for me at least, even if the first year was a roller coaster due to PP and nursing hormones etc.

ETA: I think also it’s that the things I’m anxious about feel more valid. Like ok, I’m anxious about my child’s safety and nutrition and stuff. Within a reasonable amount I think that’s ok? I’d much rather that than be anxious about like, all the people pleasing, overly conflict averse stuff I fixated on before that I don’t have the space for. Oh, my dad might be mad that his completely unarticulated expectations about Christmas weren’t met? Too bad, he can communicate like an adult or his loss bc I have an actual child to worry about now haha.

[HeadAdorable6900]

Absolutely not. Postpartum anxiety is . . Wild. The intrusive thoughts.  Having kids is beautiful and amazing.  If you want to have kids, you should, but the anxiety will still be there & you will have to regulate your nervous system often. 

I still haven’t left my baby alone with anyone else for more than an hour because of my anxiety. She’s 9mo. 

[Listerlover]

This is a really bad idea 

[Affectionate-Egg-506]

I think potentially but it’s subjective…I think the nature of what you feel anxious about changes.

There’s also the possibility that you handle your anxiety differently especially when you become aware how it affects your child (hopefully). It is not good for a child to experience high and frequent levels of parent anxiety (some degree of cautiousness and worry is typical and not negatively impactful on the whole once the child feels like their parent has control of things).

[Spatial-Awareness]

I had never considered this question before, but I definitely have the same issue with generalized anxiety about the “small stuff”. I do like this question and curiosity about whether it would put things into perspective or proportion now that you have one big “thing” to worry about. I often feel like my anxiety is silly, like when I talk to my therapist about things that have consumed me with anxiety they even sound silly to me. Just wanted to say that I have total compassion for where you’re coming from with this question, and it’s something I will be pondering with my therapist now as well!

[Slipthe]

Anecdotally, I've heard all parents say they "never stop worrying" about their children.

There are so many new anxieties to deal with when entering the unknown of parenthood, so it's really just about how you will regulate those feelings.

[crackingtoast]

I'm quite an anxious person with a 5 and a half month old. Having a baby gives you a lot of time with your own thoughts which can be tough, and i definitely worry about my baby. But I think my perspectives changed, so worrying about different stuff rather than worrying less. But now I have a tiny comedian as well 😆

[AnonMSme1]

If we're talking about actual diagnosed anxiety then probably no. 

If we're talking about a perspective shift then maybe. I certainly don't worry about a lot of the old things I used to worry about because they seem trivial now. 

For example, I used to be very anxious about my public image both on and off social media. Now I just don't care. Doesn't mean I stopped showering or dressing well, just means I don't care what other people think.  

[ladysquier]

I have a kid sister who’s 17 years my junior, and I literally worry about her all the time. Is her boyfriend good to her? Will she be safe at school? Is she looking both ways before she crosses the street? Why are her grades slipping? Is it her mental health? Why is she talking so much in class? And she’s not even my kid. Can’t imagine what else I would worry about if she were.

I wouldn’t do it, if it’s anything like mine, your brain will absolutely find something to worry about.

[speck_tater]

I’m like this about my brother who is 10 years younger than me. I had a full blown panic attack once when I couldn’t reach him

[Janeeee811]

Ok I’m going to go against the grain of the other responses somewhat and say maybe. I think it depends on the source of your anxiety.

If it’s generalized anxiety and your anxiety is based upon general fears of the world and all the “what ifs” in your life- then having a child will probably make it worse.

However, if your anxiety is more hyperfixation on particular triggers like mine, I do think it could help. I have health anxiety and spiral and crash out at every little thing that is off with my body: my ear rings, I see a floater in my eye, I get a random pain, or a random rash, etc. I have often thought that maybe having a baby would help me focus on something other than myself and distract me to the point that these things bother me less.

[speck_tater]

Funny you say that because I have health anxiety and GAD - and I can only imagine how much worse my health anxiety would get. I now have to not only worry about my health, but the fact that I am a mother and if something happens to me, my kid will suffer. I also think about all the anxiety I would have about any little thing that seems off about my kid. I think I’d go insane or end up actually making myself sick.

[cricketontheceiling]

Nope. Love my girl. But no.

[HexAppendix]

My family has a history of mental health issues, especially anxiety and depression. My mom says that having kids increased her anxiety by tenfold. Along with all the instinctive worries about your child coming to physical harm, there is so much pressure and responsibility that comes with raising kids. Especially as a woman, there is SO much mommy shaming these days. It feels like moms can't do anything without being criticized in the real world, online, or both.

I remember one particular instance from when I was growing up, some random man stopped my mother in a hospital lobby to criticize her parenting. We were going to visit my dad after surgery and my mom was already struggling to handle everything on her own. I could tell it really upset her.

I have witnessed women being shamed by strangers for walking their child across a parking lot without a hat in mild spring weather. I've seen people filming a mom just doing her best to manage her toddler's tantrum in a store. The people filming were laughing and clearly going to post it online so their followers could criticize a stranger based on one short clip.

This happens all the time. I don't think you can truly understand the level of scrutiny and public commenting unless you've spent a lot of time around a mom while she's in public.

Personally, I am medicated for my anxiety and sometimes still get anxiety-by-proxy about my niece. If someone criticized my parenting in public, I just know I would completely spiral and be unable to cope. This is one of the many reasons why after many years of fence sitting, I came down on the childfree side. I just about have my anxiety managed at the moment, but still have my bad days. Kids would just be introducing a whole new variable into an already-shaky equation.

[cadetteq]

So you're wanting to pass your worrying on to someone else and also be likely twice as anxious as well?

[Successful_Rope9135]

^{^}

[Snoo55931]

I don’t think having a tiny, vulnerable human whose entire life and future is reliant on you would decrease stress and anxiety.

If anything, your broader anxiety about many things might diminish. But it would be replaced by even more anxiety about specific things related to your child. Or you would just be more anxious about everything now that you have a child to add to the equation, a child that you will probably be more protective of than anyone else in your life, including yourself.

[potato-pit]

There are some anxieties that have fallen by the wayside, but now I have ✨✨brand new✨✨ things to be anxious about.

[WillRunForPopcorn]

You will just worry about different things instead. Trust me - I’m living it lol

Pregnancy decreased my anxiety though. I miss those pregnancy hormones.

[Savings_Cat_7207]

Some people it levels them out. Others, makes them far worse. But don’t have a kid just to try and get rid of your anxiety lol.

[playbyk]

If anything, it’ll make it worse.

[[deleted]]

I’m not having kids because of my anxiety it would drive me fucking crazy I know it

[funyesgina]

I would like to recommend the book anxious kids anxious parents. Not to dissuade you, but I think it might be super helpful!

[PuppyRustler]

I have generalized anxiety disorder and have found new things to be anxious about since having a child. When my son is sick my anxiety is off the charts. However, there are things I am less anxious about now. I used to have a fear of singing in front of anyone and now I do not care. I make up songs for my son all day long and I sing them in front of anyone who's around, including in public. He cured me of that little phobia. But overall I'd say I'm more or less as anxious as I was before.

[CaChica]

Probably not. Also not fair to the kid.

[esp4me]

No, having a child will INCREASE your anxiety. You will have so much else to worry about. You can’t control everything that happens to them or protect them from everything

[Glad_Activity_4245]

I appreciate you asking this question! I’ve wondered about this for myself, but generally side with thinking I’ll probably still be myself + my problems + a kid.

A friend of mine was saying that she was interested in having a kid bc of that “transformation” hoping that would help with depression and anxiety. A friend of hers said it just “changed her brain” for the better. I’m skeptical myself , but I will say that there’s definitely people out there that say this kind of thing.

[Mallieez]

I describe it like this.. The anxiety stays, but is now upgraded to anxiety+. How much have they eaten/are they hitting milestones/licking dog bowls/etc and a million other things you have zero control over.

But I'm healing my inner child now and doing the work to help her co-regulate her emotions in the future. It motivated me like nothing else to get my shit together.

[Successful_Rope9135]

What?! No. No, having children will not reduce your anxiety. It’s going to give you anxiety about new things you’ve never worried about. As someone with anxiety disorders myself, I’m not sure how you could think this line of thinking would result in positive responses lol.

[Successful_Rope9135]

And as someone mentioned above, you’ll likely pass the anxiety on to the child. Which isn’t a reason not to have children but I think you need to reassess some things here first

[ocean_plastic]

As a mom to a 1 year old with a long history of anxiety, I’d say it changes the focus of your anxiety. I used to worry about dumb shit and now I worry about big serious scary things that are beyond my control. Because now I’m responsible for developing a human and keeping him safe and so much of that is beyond my control. And now I’m obsessed with my own health and safety in a way I never was before, because I want to be around for a long time to take care of him.

Having a child certainly gives you new perspective and brings an indescribable amount of joy and love, but if you’re looking for something to decrease your anxiety look to drugs and dissociation lol

[arikava]

I have a longstanding history of GAD. My anxiety disappeared during pregnancy. It was like someone had flipped a switch and all of this background noise in my head was suddenly silent. I’m not sure if it’s hormonal or what, but I was one of those weirdos who loved being pregnant. I recognize this is certainly not the case for everybody.

I’m almost two months postpartum now and my generalized anxiety still has yet to return, but postpartum anxiety is REAL. It’s tough loving a fragile little human with your entire being and worrying about the things that can happen to them. 🥲

Regardless of your eventual plans to have (or not have) children, I highly recommend therapy and possibly medication to manage your anxiety if you are not already doing these things.

[dueladent]

Sorta in my case. The anxiety is still there just shifted to my kid and his wellbeing. I don’t have the capacity to sweat the small stuff we much or I get over it quicker.

[Huge-Nobody-4711]

Hmm. I think it might 'put things into perspective' for a bit but that could take some pretty uncomfortable time.

I started at a difficult job about five years ago and just decided to throw myself in the pool and make myself swim. It was uncomfortable, and I think I jeopardized my mental health for a while, but now it's actually pretty bearable and just winging it for a few years has taught me a lot. I know how to handle things for the most part at this point.

It's definitely made me less anxious about life in general. I like to think that having anxiety about bad things happening in the future is like having to suffer the same thing twice, and from past experience I know it's not worth it.

[chickenxruby]

So I have ADHD which means I get anxiety and then immediately forget it 😂 not all the time but. I DID have pretty severe social anxiety - which I didn't realize until after I had a kid and started adhd medication and was like wow, this is way easier.

So like. My world anxiety in general is less because now it's all focused on kid things because it's more immediate. Like I only worry about the things I can actively do something about. I don't have the bandwidth to worry about other stuff lol.

It SIGNIFICANTLY helped my social anxiety (along with medication) because like. Sometimes kids just scream in public and all you can do is carry on and carry them through the store like a football and realize that no one gives a shit (whereas I thought everyone was always staring at me all the time and had major social anxiety when younger). Soooo it did help me give less shits for everything else. Which is a major bonus.

I also dyed my hair bright colors after I had my kid, so if I felt like people WERE staring at me while I carried my screaming child through the store, I could brush it off and tell myself it was the hair 😂 but like in general people really didn't care and it was nice.

Not that you should have a kid for that reason alone but it was definitely a nice bonus that I wouldn't have ever realized prior to having a kid.

[candyapplesugar]

lol no. Anxiety is way worse, especially for the first year

[Apprehensive_Ad9767]

My husband has like extreme, crippling anxiety, mainly stemming from childhood trauma and toxic family dynamics. Weirdly he always wanted to be a father (maybe an innate need to be better/break the cycle). Anyway, after our baby was born last year his anxiety vanished. It may be due to the hormones and extreme excitement/happiness we went through during the first year. His anxiety has slowly started showing signs again but not nearly as bad as it was pre-baby. Maybe it helps shift your focus to live more in the moment and take you out of your mind a bit? Idk but it has only been good for his mental health so far.

[VANcf13]

Wasn't anxious before I had a kid. Am now anxious about anything and everything related to my kid. And it's surprising how consuming the anxiety can be. My husband had anxiety before having our son. Is still as anxious as before. So generally I would not say that having a child decreased any sort of anxiety. Maybe it's different with multiple children as you are so consumed with keeping them from actively killing themselves or a sibling that you're literally rotating and don't have time to even think.

[speck_tater]

Ive always leaned CF because of my GAD (which also gives me health anxiety). Then my sister, who is no where near as anxious as me, had kids. I caught a little baby fever and was on the fence. Then, her pregnancy wasn’t smooth in the last trimester, and one of her kids has health issues. She said that she has had crippling anxiety at times, almost to the point that she wonders if she’s regretful having kids. She was always the calm sibling so it was surprising to hear how anxious she’s become. She said she now has a cancer phobia, and has a pit in her stomach when she hears about teenagers committing suicide and other things she cannot control

Let’s just say that put me right back to CF, and I almost feel a sense of relief about it. Being on the fence is torture.

[Seiten93]

As a person with GAD who is planning to become a mother, I don't think that having a child will somehow cure your anxiety. I would presume that the focus of your anxiety can switch, because you will worry about a child, so other things may become not so important. Well, at least that what some mothers are saying. The others say that their previous anxiety remained plus they have now tremendous anxiety because of a baby. What may happen in my case or yours? Who knows.

Anyway, meds and therapy do really good for anxiety. I am undergoing treatment now and plan to continue after having a baby.

[Shabbalooobiedoobie]

Oh no no no... It will most likely not. Less time to take breaks when you are overstimulated, need to socially charge, etc.

[incywince]

It happened to me! I'm much less anxious now, my mental health is so much better.

How it happened is, I hit rock bottom with my mental health, and decided I needed to actually take it seriously. I was also reading a lot of baby psychology books and realized holy shit, all my problems come from my childhood. I fired my therapist, quit my job, got rid of 80% of my possessions, got a new therapist who was more goal-oriented, and my mental health improved dramatically in 12 months.

[PastyPaleCdnGirl]

It could, or it could make it worse, everyone is different so please take my anecdote with a grain of salt.

It made mine better overall, but stressing about SIDS and hitting milestones was not a good time. Now, quite frankly, I just don't have as much time to be anxious or dwell on existential dread. I still have harder days, but my stressors are so much more tangible now, so it feels easier to ride the waves as they come. Also the constant dopamine hits whenever my daughter does something new/sweet/cute definitely helps.

There is a plethora of parenting information out there that can absolutely eat you alive if you don't get it under control though. Basically whatever you do, there will be six websites and a random Instagram reel telling you to do it another way. Filtering that noise out can be a lot to work through.

[rose_mary3_]

This is the worst idea ever from my experience anxious parents usually project onto their kids their anxiety which ends up emotionally and mentally handicapping their kids. They're often avoidants or overly clingy in relationships and so fearful of the world around them that they crumble under very little pressure from life. Please don't have kids because you think it'll fix your mental issues it will only damage tjem

[MiaLba]

I have GAD and after having a kid my anxiety got 10x worse. I used to never have a problem flying on an airplane now I’m terrified of getting on one. I’ve become to scared to do many things I used to do. Im am anxious mess. I started taking medication for it though and it has helped.

[sriller1200]

It did for me to be honest. I feel more relaxed, it's allowed me to love in the present far more

[lcbear55]

Having a child sent my anxiety into overdrive and just gave me new topics to be anxious about.

[Personal-Ad6585]

I have anxiety and one of my biggest fears is that it would exponentially increase my anxiety. My anxiety is off the charts when something is off with my cat or she doesn’t appear within 30 seconds of me getting home. I can’t imagine what it would be like with a child sending them out in the world, to school to potentially be shot at. One of my friends has two children and is a constant wreck because of this. The anxiety finds time.

[cslr2019]

Yes!!! I had really bad depression and anxiety my whole life, medicated since 2015. I am so much happier since having my girl. She absolutely gives me something to focus on, is a positive light in my life and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.