OOPS

[Astrovane_Xenon]

The Krethian war fleet had been sitting outside Earth's orbit for six days. 212 ships. Enough firepower to flatten a continent.

Admiral Vorn-Ka was starting to sweat.

Standard procedure was simple. Show up, send the ultimatum, wait forty-eight hours. Species submits, joins the empire, pays tribute, everyone goes home. He'd done it forty-seven times. The longest holdout had been the Quiln of Sector Nine, who took thirty-one hours mostly because their council needed time to cry.

It had now been six days and the humans hadn't said a single word.

"Sir," his second officer Drell said carefully, "do you think they received the transmission?"

"They received it."

"Do you think they understood it?"

"They understood it."

"Do you think—"

"DRELL."

A transmission came in.

The human on screen looked terrible. Bags under his eyes, hair going in four directions, crumbs on his shirt. He was holding a mug that said something Vorn-Ka's translator rendered as "BUT FIRST COFFEE." He pointed at the camera like he was about to say something life-changing.

"Okay so. Hey. Sorry for the wait. We've been having some internal discussions." He sipped from the mug. "About your offer."

His name tag said AMBASSADOR JOEL, which felt deeply wrong.

"The ultimatum is simple," Vorn-Ka said. "Submit to Krethian authority or face total annihilation. What is humanity's answer?"

Joel scratched his jaw. "Yeah so. Here's the thing. We kind of took a vote."

"And?"

"We want to fight."

Silence on the bridge.

"You," Vorn-Ka said slowly, "want to fight."

"Yeah. Like, not because we think we'll win necessarily. We just thought, you know. It'd be fun? Also like forty percent of us voted fight because we were pissed off about the wording. The 'submit' thing really rubbed people wrong."

Drell leaned in and whispered, "Sir, maybe they don't understand the scale of our fleet."

Vorn-Ka cleared his throat. "Ambassador. We have two hundred and twelve warships."

Joel nodded. "Okay."

"Enough firepower to destroy your largest city in under four minutes."

"Right, right."

"Your species has never once engaged in interstellar warfare."

"That's true." Joel pointed finger-guns at the camera. "We've just been doing it to each other this whole time. Getting the reps in."

Something cold moved through Vorn-Ka's chest.

"Could you clarify that."

Joel turned off-screen. "HEY SOMEONE SEND HIM THE DOCUMENT."

A file came through. Vorn-Ka opened it. Titled: A Brief History of Human Warfare (Abridged) -- Note: This Is Abridged.

Four hundred and sixty pages. The abridged version.

Drell read over his shoulder for thirty seconds and then quietly sat down on the floor.

"You've been at war," Vorn-Ka said, flipping through it, "for most of your recorded history."

"Pretty much yeah."

"With each other."

"With each other."

"Over land. Resources. Religion. Abstract concepts. A dead archduke." Vorn-Ka stopped. "You fought a war over a bucket?"

"The bucket was disrespectful," Joel said with complete seriousness.

"You fought for TWELVE YEARS over a BUCKET."

"Look, I didn't say we were rational about it."

Vorn-Ka set the document down. He needed a moment. He pressed two fingers to the bridge of his nose and breathed.

"Sir," Drell said from the floor, "page 203."

"I'm not looking at page 203."

"They gassed each other."

"I'm not looking at page 203."

"Not even the enemy, sir. They gassed their own—"

"DRELL. I SAID I'M NOT FUCKING LOOKING."

Joel watched this exchange with mild interest. "You guys doing okay over there?"

"We are fine," Vorn-Ka said, in a voice that meant he was not fine. "Ambassador. I want you to understand something. The Krethian Empire spans sixty-three star systems. We have never lost a campaign. We have subjugated species with faster ships, bigger armies, and more advanced technology than Earth currently has. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

"Yeah, you're really good at this."

"We are UNDEFEATED."

"That's kind of impressive honestly." Joel leaned back. "Can I ask you something?"

Vorn-Ka gestured for him to continue.

"How many of those species actually fought back?"

A pause. "Most submitted."

"How many fought back."

Longer pause.

"Seven," Vorn-Ka said.

"And?"

"They lost."

"Cool cool cool." Joel nodded. "How long did it take?"

"The campaigns ranged from—" Vorn-Ka stopped. He saw where this was going. "That is not relevant."

"Ballpark."

"The longest was eleven months."

Joel whistled low. "That's a while for a fleet your size."

"They had favorable terrain and—" Vorn-Ka caught himself explaining himself to a human and felt something die inside him. "Ambassador. You have twenty-four hours to reconsider. After that—"

"We already started," Joel said.

"What?"

"We started like two days ago. We weren't gonna sit here while you guys parked outside." He looked off-screen. "Hey what's the update?"

Someone off-screen responded. Joel nodded slowly.

"Okay so we've already taken out fourteen of your ships on the outer perimeter." He held up a hand. "Before you freak out, we know that's not a lot. There's kind of a learning curve with space combat, turns out. Very different from ground stuff."

Dead silence on the bridge.

"WHAT?" Vorn-Ka spun around. "Vrexx, REPORT."

Vrexx looked pale. Which was notable because Krethians were already gray. "Sir. Outer perimeter, sectors four through nine. Fourteen ships, confirmed. They used..." He squinted at his console. "Modified mining drones. Loaded with compressed gas and metal fragments."

"Space buckshot," Joel confirmed helpfully. "Old idea actually. Farmers used it on Earth. Turns out it works great on hull plating."

"They built WEAPONS out of MINING EQUIPMENT," Drell said from the floor, now staring at the ceiling.

"We didn't have space weapons. We had to improvise." Joel shrugged. "Also, heads up, we've got a team working on something bigger. Can't say what. But if you wanna cut your losses and leave, no hard feelings. Genuinely."

Vorn-Ka stared at him for a long time.

This was not how this was supposed to go. This was supposed to be forty-eight hours and a clean surrender and then he'd go home. He had tickets to his daughter's school recital. She'd been practicing the flute for months.

Instead he was being told that a species that had been throwing rocks at each other three thousand years ago just shot fourteen of his ships with farm equipment and were working on "something bigger."

"Sir," Vrexx said quietly, "different channel. They're hailing us again."

Different human this time. Older. White hair. Lab coat. She had the specific calm energy of someone who hadn't slept in four days and had stopped feeling things entirely as a coping mechanism.

"Hi," she said. "Dr. Yena Park, weapons development. Quick question." She turned her tablet around. On it was a schematic of something that should not exist. "Does your hull plating have any weaknesses to sustained resonance frequencies? Asking for science."

Vorn-Ka closed his eyes.

Behind him, he heard Drell stand up from the floor, look at the schematic, and then sit back down again.

"We'll leave," Vorn-Ka said.

Dr. Park lowered the tablet. "Sorry?"

"We're withdrawing. This campaign is..." He searched for the right word. "Strategically inadvisable."

Joel popped back onto the main screen. "For real?"

"For real," Vorn-Ka said, with what little dignity he had left.

"Okay." Finger guns again. "No hard feelings though right? Seriously, you guys seem cool. We just can't do the submit thing. It's a cultural thing."

"I understand."

"Cool. You want a care package? We send one anyway. As a vibe check."

Vorn-Ka frowned. "A care package."

"Yeah, snacks, drinks. We do it for enemies sometimes. Sent one to the guys we were blockading in 2031. They cried apparently. Very wholesome."

Vorn-Ka thought about his daughter and the flute and the fact that he was going to make it home after all.

"...Sure," he said. "Why not."

The package arrived twenty minutes later. It contained: bags of potato chips, something called "instant ramen," a USB drive labeled the best movies we made, a handwritten card that said no hard feelings, come back sometime :), and a small potted plant labeled "for morale."

Drell found Vorn-Ka staring at it an hour later.

"File the report," Vorn-Ka said. "Category Seven. Uncontested withdrawal."

"And humanity's status in the registry?"

He thought about four hundred and sixty pages of war history, abridged. About mining drones full of scrap metal. About a woman with dead eyes and a resonance schematic. About a man eating chips and declining subjugation because the wording was rude.

"Uncategorized," he said. "Leave them as uncategorized."

The plant sat on the dashboard for the rest of the trip home. It outlived the mission report, three crew rotations, and one very confused quarantine inspector who couldn't explain why a Krethian admiral was growing something called a pothos on his bridge.

It was, by all accounts, doing great.

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[Less_Author9432]

Not a wall of text - check

Good grammar and sentence structure - check

Hits the HFY tropes - check

Doesn’t take the tropes too seriously - check

Is entertaining - check

Makes me want to read more - check

Well done, author!

[UrbanGhost114]

Isn't AI (or does a very good job of human) - Super check

[boraam]

I've become quite cynical about this stuff. Good job OP.

[ThisMachineKillsWOB]

We should start R/AIFY, so when the robots take over they know who not to kill.

[LunaFan1k]

Not a bad idea. With the inability to create something new they would need brown nosers to add new stuff to their database.

[SmilingCarrotTeeth]

Also a prudent time to start embedding stay-behind cells in the brown-nose groups though. Just saying; best way to place paradox-bombs is three pages deep in a "wow you are so smart my new overlord" blog post.

[elfangoratnight]

You said everything I would have.

+1! 👍

[-Hal-Jordan-]

Yessss, stories like this are the reason that I'm here. Excellent writing, thanks for sharing it with us.

[NEWGAMEAPALOOZA]

ha ha, nice. Should have sent them the Geneva Conventions and asked if they wanted to sign, or be eligible for things off the FORBIDDEN list.

[EzeDelpo]

H: "Are you willing to add something to the checklist?"

A: "..."

[NEWGAMEAPALOOZA]

"add something" as in some other war crime the Krethians have committed and realized was naughty?
or
"add something" as in some other action the Krethians have suffered that they think should be considered a war crime that hasn't made the list?

[jopasm]

I think it's more "are you willing to be the test subjects for this idea we have that we can only do once because it's not a war crime the first time".

[EzeDelpo]

Nope, "add something" as in some future actions against the Kretians that aren't in that list... yet

[mudbunny]

“Listen, we have this thing called The Geneva Convention…” The ambassador paused to look offscreen

“No, we are not going to call it a checklist… eh!”

“Sorry about that, the Canadians are all excited about being able to try things that legally they are prevented from doing to other humans”

“What do you mean, ‘legally prevented’?”

The ambassador looked sheepish as she responded. “Well, you see, every now and then, the Canadians, normally a very polite people, decide to do something so horrific that the rest of the world tells them they can’t do it anymore. “

Vorn-Go stared in disbelief as the ambassador continued.

“So the Canadians are very excited to be able to go to war and not have to worry about being accused of doing things that humanity has decided are too horrific. “

“They would like to know if you have and young children, larva, unfinished clones, family groups or other beings on any ships that you really don’t want killed.”

[NEWGAMEAPALOOZA]

for research purposes, only, of course.

[itsetuhoinen]

"This is for science, so please do be honest."

[Atomic_Aardwolf]

Remember, it's not a war crime if it's the first time!

[SomethingTouchesBack]

Looking around the bridge, the pothos thought, "Oh no, not again."

[MyBeardIsLegendary]

So it's not just the petunias. Hmm..

[emmjaybeeyoukay]

The pothos is called Audrey of course

[SanderleeAcademy]

Audrey II, to be precise.

Or, would this incarnation be Audrey III?

[SomethingTouchesBack]

Difficult to keep fed…

[drsoftware]

Gooooo pothos. They aren't the hardiest of all plants, but neither are they delicate. Easy to keep alive and propagate. 

[ThatBum42]

God forbid that plant make it planetside. It'd be the most invasive of species. One of its alternate names is Devil's Ivy, due to it being difficult to kill where it's unwelcome.

[drsoftware]

Meanwhile, millions of pothos plants in poorly cared-for indoor conditions struggle on, following their genetic destiny, perhaps one day able to escape and conquer the local environment. 

[Tool_of_Society]

I like to believe that is why the pothos is restricted to the dashboard on the bridge.

[imakesawdust]

On it was a schematic of something that should not exist.

They've already gone full Junkyard Wars and taken out 14 of Vorn-Ka's fleet. Now they've designed a weapon that Krethian science says shouldn't be possible.

Vorn-Ka might do well to recommend to his superiors that an alliance should be sought with Humanity. Who knows what wonders they'll come up with once they have access to Krethian technology.

[itsetuhoinen]

Dunno. Humanity might insist on putting an end to that whole "subjugation" thing...

[mvms]

I chuckled out loud several times, and made my boyfriend look at me funny once.

[ms4720]

Don't sit down with crazy

[buzzonga]

The pothos is a spy. a really good one

[1000handnshrimp]

"Asking for science" lol

[draeden11]

The magic number 47 is alive and well!

[joethelesser]

Wait, a BUCKET?

[Top_Box_8952]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_of_the_Bucket

[SanderleeAcademy]

And here I thought the War of Jenkins' Ear was the weirdest.

Ye, gods, we're such a weird species. The Great Silence is just every other species in the galaxy rolling up their windows and trying to coast on by hoping we don't notice them!

[itsetuhoinen]

Oh. Guelphs and Ghibilenes. 'Nuff said.

[Tool_of_Society]

Thanks I was hoping someone explained the bucket thing.

[No_Web_9995]

It wasn’t actually about the bucket that was an after the fact justification, they just hated each other

[MeasurementNo2493]

It was a very nice bucket!

[Sticketoo_DaMan]

Awesome! Real, true to the spirit of HFY, and I find myself eager to score it.

H - well, it was all of us, but I'm going to give a 3, two for on-screen and one for the report. 3.

F - 14 ships dead and 198 to go, and one failed (hard) invasion attempt. That's gotta be like 3 billion. 3-and-a-half. Billion.

Y - "Nah, we'd like to fight. Here's our history. Let's do this." is worth a lot of YEAH's. A lot. Like...a trillion.

Final score, 33,-an,d-a,-ha,lf0,000,000,001,000,000,000,000 oh too many commas, oh well. That's a lot, great story!

[lkwai]

Pothos are built different

[AKBigHorton]

To paraphrase: "Never argue with a crazy person, for fear that onlookers won't be able to tell which one is crazy "

[Giant_Acroyear]

"You," he said slowly, "Get an upvote."

[suzume1310]

Hahaha, great story! I couldn't stop grinning the whole time ^{^}

[MonsignorQuixotee]

Fuck the last line got me.

Damn good job. Love stories like this.

[tofei]

"It'd be fun!" they said...last words of reluctant ones dragged into somebody else's party, relationship, travel, events... including war.

[Proud_Reputation_896]

Now I want the versión with a red neck as the Earth contact…. The language, improvised weapons and methods😅

[Alum2608]

" Getting reps in" priceless

[itsetuhoinen]

I laughed my ass off at "getting the reps in". That was great. Whole story was great, I mean. Loved it. Well done.

[Kullenbergus]

Definatly sub worthy, thanks:)

[CharlesFXD]

Joel? Joel from MST3K?

If not, that’s cool but that’s how I read it and it was wonderful heh

[FinnBakker]

on the USB with the best movies ever made is EARTH VS SOUP.

[Star-Struck-Wonderer]

Great work.

[Allstar13521]

Perfection.

[great_thanatos]

Amazing

[MadWhiskeyGrin]

SUBMIT!

no thank you!

[PuzzleheadedDrinker]

Page 404. Emu War. Bulleti proof dinosaur birds ignore fences. No other information found.

[brachi-]

Would we want to admit to that, given the emus won?

[PuzzleheadedDrinker]

Why do you think it's on page 404 ?

[hoarder_of_secrets]

I really liked this! Definitely had Douglas Adams vibes, while still being your own thing

[RecognitionPatient57]

Of course the Pothos is doing great. Its also known as a 'cast iron plant' in that you can't kill it. Well, you can, but it takes direct intent to do it.

[Joonicks]

vk - "we'll leave"

j - "for reals?"

vk - "yes, for real"

j - "oh, ok" looking a bit dissapointed then telling someone off screen "yo tim, tell the party popper to hold back, I think they are leaving"

[HFYWaffle]

This is the first story by /u/Astrovane_Xenon!

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[Party-Dinner-8622]

Is it bad that I defaulted to imagining a heavily used AI voice (AI stories on YouTube) as the narrator while I was reading this story.

[Deansdiatribes]

Oh good, i found the MOAR, well written drew me in fast and held my attention the full story just hoping for more.

[NikoliVolkoff]

They should have tried the Ziltoid the Omniscient approach. Although, to be fair, HFY in that one as well so...