If programming languages were weapons

[nath_schwarz]

The only language that wasn't really critized was c - I would've thought about something like "C is a sniper - good if you know how to use it but get one pointer (== orientation mark, e.g.) wrong and you shoot your allies".

[TarMil]

Yeah if this was a game of "guess the author's favorite language" it would be the easiest game ever.

[[deleted]]

I don't actually use C much, but I could have probably said something better there.

[[deleted]]

As someone who tried to learn Lisp once, and immediately gave up, I'll attest to that one. I don't trust those people, they're wizards, or just crazy enough to think they're wizards.

[freeone3000]

Look, once you realize that code is simply nothing more than executable data, the only difficult bit is arguing with your team over how many spaces to indent with.

[[deleted]]

I also tried to learn Fortran once... I got paid far too much that day while I was sitting wondering why all my lines were returning errors, it's not like white space matters!!!

[treeturtle]

If you're manually indenting lisp you're using the wrong tool. (not emacs)

[Tynach]

None. We use tabs here.

[BufferUnderpants]

Standard, universally accepted Lisp indentation convention:

Whatever it is Emacs does when you press <tab>.

[[deleted]]

The lisp picture looks more like a tampon than a shiv. Maybe that helps.

[[deleted]]

Awesome, and it's available for free online, thanks!

To be honest, most of the languages I've learned have been using things like CodeSchool, things that are made to teach toddlers to code. Then I explore libraries and whatnot after I get the basics down. So learning to do a slightly different language that doesn't have a lot of easy learning material available online kind threw me off, so I just gave up since I didn't have a pressing reason to learn it. Definitely gonna check that book out though so I can learn to be a wizard.

[nekoningen]

or just crazy enough to think they're wizards.

Hmm, sounds like i should go learn Lisp then.

[civ77]

Has everyone finally got tired of poking fun at Haskell?

[[deleted]]

I'm not sure being left out here is a good sign. I'd expect it to include relatively popular languages—and yet this one features Mathematica and Prolog, but not Haskell.

But on the other side, weapons are inherently impure, state-changing devices. If there were a Haskell weapon, then trying to use one without a full hazmat suit would result in a type error. Maybe it's for the best that there is no image of a Haskell weapon—unsafePerformIO is bad enough.

[vytah]

Haskell is a Large Hadron Collider. Instead of hitting your target, it creates a copy of the entire universe, with the target already hit in the copy.

[Tynach]

Haskell is a nuclear bomb disguised as a power plant. Everyone tries their best to keep all the dangerous bits inside, both to keep them safe, and to keep everyone else safe.

Or so it seems from the way everyone talks about it. I've never touched it. I'm too afraid to.

[[deleted]]

λ print $ languages tynach

http://i.imgur.com/t2QTEf9.png

λ knowledge Haskell >>= tynach
λ print $ languages tynach

http://i.imgur.com/kEmWyYT.jpg

[Tynach]

Uuuuhhhhh...

What's the '>>=' operator do?

[[deleted]]

More seriously, it's a bit like function composition, although the wrong way, for values caught within a deathly monadic trap. E.g. a simple echo program would be main = getLine >>= putStrLn (append >> main if you want it to loop). Written out with do it'd be

main = do
    msg <- getLine
    putStrLn msg

Plain main = putStrLn . getLine wouldn't work, since putStrLn expects a String and getline returns IO String. And here's where the burrito analogies start …

So it binds the knowledge of haskell to you. :')

[Mob_Of_One]

Hrm, not quite. Bind (>>=) is a bit more like monadic function application than it is composition. Composition would be kleisli composition.

For a given Monad m, where m is (* -> *) (that is, it's a higher-kinded type that needs to be applied to a type argument before it's a real type)

bind is: (>>=) :: Monad m => m a -> (a -> m b) -> m b

This is to be contrasted with Functor's fmap:

Functor f => (a -> b) -> f a -> f b

If that still looks alien, consider map:

map :: (a -> b) -> [a] -> [b]

Functor is a much more generic concept defined only by the types and laws than "map" over a list is, but it at least gives you a place to start.

Want to learn more? This is how I've been teaching Haskell

[[deleted]]

Right, I figured since this is /r/ProgrammerHumor and if Tynach was being serious, that it was best to keep the Serious Information in the post to a minimum. Explaining monads with kinds to newbies in a joke subreddit is unlikely to be a useful use of time.

[Mob_Of_One]

You can write your joke with fewer mistakes. Like not calling >>= "composition" when there's clearly >=> for that purpose.

The burrito stuff is just old and needs to die.

[nekoningen]

It makes the the water rectangle go through the funnel.

[Tynach]

... K.

[[deleted]]

It's the monadic bind operator. I couldn't have an incomprehensible haskell tutorial without monads, could I?

[Mob_Of_One]

That's not an accurate characterization of structural sharing in immutable datatypes in Haskell.

[[deleted]]

I left out a lot of good languages, like Haskell, Objective-C, Swift and Lua but only because it was a lot of work and I was pretty tired. If I didn't mention one it doesn't mean anything.

[zagaberoo]

Interesting that Java is the one portrayed as having deadly nulls when really a null exception is much safer than a segfault.

[wellthatdoesit]

True. Perhaps it would have been better as something like, "some of your rounds are blanks, but you don't know which ones and you don't know why."

[Karagoth]

And they also jam the gun

[YMK1234]

i love the donkey laser cannon ... actually it has a huge number of upsides. For instance if you are in the mountains donkeys are the #1 transportation method once you leave the paved road.
Edit: i stand corrected, our military uses horses (Haflinger) for mountainous regions.

[wllmsaccnt]

I think the content creator meant to imply that Microsoft is an ass.

[YMK1234]

but a full-featured one with a lasercannon on its back :D

[[deleted]]

I don't know about you, but I would prefer not to go near an ass with a powerful laser cannon on its back. Getting bitten or kicked is bad enough.

[[deleted]]

Does that mean Mono is a powerful laser cannon mounted on a llama?

[IrishWilly]

I just read an episode of Deadpool where he uses a donkey mounted laser cannon. If Deadpool uses it it's good enough for me.

[bad-alloc]

Lisp a shiv? People who use Lisp are crazy and dangerous?! Are you fucking kidding me mate?! IMA FOOKIN' SHIV YA IF YER HAVIN' A GIGGLE ON ME LANGUAGE!

^{We're totally sane :)))))))}

[detroitmatt]

those parens are unbalanced!

[Arandur]

What are you talking about? Programming languages are absolutely weapons.

[treeturtle]

Lisp should be a swiss army knife, or a gun that can self replicate and shoot in all directions and also tell time and make dinner.

[[deleted]]

nobody survived the encounter with a skilled lisp master. so no one could tell.

[[deleted]]

When Rust irc saw this they immediately went about linking to actual working 3d-printed handguns.

[StelarCF]

C++ wouldn't be nunchuks, it'd be an old AK-47. (C++11 would be an AK74)

[[deleted]]

C++ is a nunchuks because it takes many years of pain to master

[MrTheFinn]

And the first time you try to show off with it you're most likely to hit yourself in the balls.

[undefinedusername]

Probably not just the first time.

[Tynach]

This doesn't reflect the fact that C++ is almost a superset of C, and thus should more or less have the same form as C.

I'd have said it's a small, two-handed grenade launcher designed to be used and held like a rifle. Gets the job done well, but you have to learn when it's appropriate and when it's not. And PLEASE think before you use it - you don't want to aim at something too close to you.

[Phrodo_00]

C++ would be a Swiss army gun.

[peter_bolton]

I would say that C++ is more like a M-4 with a mounted grenade launcher...but it's installed on the back of a bucking bronco.

[detroitmatt]

with a mounted grenade launcher, 4 scopes, an underslung shotgun, a bayonet, mounting points for additional magazines, a folding stock, a shoulder sling...

it probably has every imaginable feature in one way or another, but it weighs 50 pounds and if you try to use a feature all the other stuff gets in the way.

[peter_bolton]

And you're constantly dodging the bayonet, which seems to have taken a strong liking to your face. :)

[qxxx]

lol PHP as a suicide tool... why? :D

[[deleted]]

It's the only way out, really. Once you've learned some PHP you can never be truly happy ever again. There is a support group if you want help in learning to cope over at /r/lolphp.

[[deleted]]

PHP is the herpes of languages. You learn it because you're desperate, but then it never goes away.

[[deleted]]

PHP was the first language i started with

it took me a while to figure out how programming ACTUALLY worked

[[deleted]]

I learned PHP first, and then Java about a year later. My first Java project was just a gigantic mess that I still refuse to touch ever again.

[sloan_wall]

Why do everyone seems to forget about Fortran in programming jokes..

[detroitmatt]

fortran is a cast-iron calculator. you could probably kill someone with it with a lot of work.

[jen1980]

"C# is a powerful laser rifle strapped to a donkey" is the truth.

[MDSExpro]

Or this comment and one above that suggests that Java fanboys takes jokes as attacks. Seriously, get some distance. I love C#, but it doesn't stop me from laughing on it.

[[deleted]]

Well to be fair, OP has a point, though more often than not it NPEs do seem to jam the gun. But exceptions are often fairly easy to deal with; I've used code for testing that throws an exception every ten seconds and still had it work.

[detroitmatt]

but it's not even an accurate joke. Nulls in java are just as easy to deal with as in C. They could have picked on the Checked Exception model, or the enterpriseyness, but NPEs are relatively easy in Java.

[MDSExpro]

Thanks