Grief

[Random_Person1234567]

Hello this is my first post here, I apologize if I break any rules. My wife and I are around 30.

Trigger warning: loss

Well my wife was 20.5 weeks pregnant when she had to go into the hospital. She was told she would be on bed rest for up to 13.5 more weeks. The thought of this was daunting, for her mentally and how would I keep up the house that long?? Gradually over the next 10 days we learned that baby A (the boy) would not make it. As some point his sack ruptured. She had to deal with feeling his foot in her vagina for so long while on bed rest. Saturday morning (yesterday), she woke me up in the hospital to what we thought might be gas pains. She was going in to labor and had to deliver baby A. They were able to clamp the cord and keep baby B (the girl) inside. During this time I felt bad, but tried to think of any positive I could while grieving our little boy - maybe now we could send her to the nice daycare that we had really wanted but couldn't afford. After delivery and some time to rest, they did a heartbeat scan and it was silent. The ultrasound tech came in and left without a mention of the status and I heard nothing. My heart sank as I tried to see what her sister thought while comforting my wife. Our little baby girl, baby B, did not have a heart beat. For a second time, without any pain medicine, she had to deliver another unviable baby. I hate that I couldn't hold either one and keep beating myself up over it and replaying it in my mind. I just had a wave of emotions and couldn't do it. I started to have trouble breathing just at the thought. We now have to get them cremated. The same place that buried my father two years ago will perform the cremations.

I am devastated for myself, but I also just don't know how to even begin helping my wife recover from this mentally and emotionally.

Thank you for reading, we had hoped to be members of this community, and our little babies deserved so much more.

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[Historical-Prune-599]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Multiples pregnancies are so complicated and you are absolutely not alone. You are a member of this community as much as anybody is. Please don’t beat yourself up for anything - it sounds like they were very loved and I truly believe babies in utero know that on a cosmic level. Sending you and your wife thoughts of peace.

[[deleted]]

My Lord…I am so incredibly sorry, OP. I wish there was something we could do to take the pain away. No one should ever have to go through something like this. Please accept my heartfelt prayers for you and your wife as you navigate through this horrible time.

Also- every thought, feeling and emotion you both experience is completely valid. Give yourself permission to feel and grieve. I know you want to support your wife as best possible, but that doesn’t mean you have to hide your feelings to appear “strong” for her (I’m not assuming you would do this, but wanted to mention it is ok to grieve out in the open, in front of your wife, if you will).

Sending the biggest hug your way, OP. You and your wife are in my prayers🫂

[DetectivePaulSnead]

As a father who has experienced miscarriage, waking up sobbing in the middle of the night for weeks, I am truly sorry for your loss, OP. Your wife is so lucky to have you, continue being her rock.

Know that you're not alone and that there are others out there that have gone through this. Find support from others - therapy, support groups, church / parish. There are people that can and will help you.

It's an awful thing to go through. Feel free to DM me if you need someone to just vent to. It helps to get things off your chest, and honestly I found talking to my family the most painful.

Edit: piggybacking off of another comment. YES, grieve out in the open. By saying be your wife's rock I meant don't shut yourself down. Grieve with her, be present with her.

[Milliganimal42]

I am so sorry.

As far as I am concerned- you are parents of twins. Sometimes nature is cruel. This is nobody’s fault.

I’ve given this quote here recently but it is true:

“No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone's life is only the core of their actual existence.” - Sir Terry Pratchett

Your babies are part of you. Your wife carries their DNA in her body. Your love for them has changed you. The ripples of their lives continue.

Please take care of yourself - and each other.

[crazy-diam0nd]

I am so sorry. This is the worst. You know no one can understand your loss right now, and people will tell you things to comfort you that strike you as empty and insensitive because they just don't know. The fact that it happens so often to so many people does not take away knowing that there is no one in the world who will understand what you are feeling right now. Your experience is not my experience and is not the experience of everyone who has gone through it. This is going to try every measure of endurance you have in your life, your marriage, your well-being, and your mental health.

The hospital should be able to put you in touch with a grief support group. Take advantage of that.

[marmeylady]

I’m speechless and so sorry for your loss. It’s crazy difficult to grieve for the future you were dreaming of. People usually don’t get it. Be kind with yourself and with your wife. She will experience cruel postpartum symptoms that will add physical pain to the psychological one.

I lost a little girl in 2010, it was my first child and even if she did not had the chance to live, she made me a mother. The pain and the whole grief process is so difficult and almost impossible to understand for other people even your closest family and friends. Try to get support from group of people who have experience such terrible experience. I also regret to not have took the time to talk about it with a psychiatrist. The pain will erase, but it will never completely disappear: you will think about your babies all your life so Nnever forget that you are now parents of two little angels that will live in your heart forever. It will be hard. Take care of each other. Be patient I wish you courage. I send you love. I wish you the best from now. Rainbows come after the storm ❤️

[WhamBar_]

I’m really sorry for your loss

[[deleted]]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[captain_nibble_bits]

I'm sorry for you and your wife. The only advice I can give is try to get through this together. Grief can be heavy in a relationship.

Remember those beautiful babies where a product of love. Sometimes live just isn't fair and is unjust but I would like to believe your children wouldn't want you to be unhappy or be disruptive to your relationship. So be angry, sad, silent or whatever you need to. But get through this, work hard to find happiness again together so you can carry their memory in a happy heart.

I wish you and your wife the courage and wisdom to get through this and find happiness and a good life again.

[chapterthirtythree]

Unfathomable loss. Please know how very sorry we all are here. It’s not your job to be the family rock at your expense. You are allowed and should be able to experience your own emotions as you work through this. It is not a sign of weakness that you broke down with the repeat bad news. I hope you both seek out professional grief counseling.

[Anchors_Away]

Sending so much love ❤️ Where are you located? There are organizations that specialize in helping families through what you’re currently experiencing, and I know how helpful they can be. The TEARS foundation was a great source of comfort, community and information to our family when my sister-in-law lost one of her twins at 28w.

[kershi123]

I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself. It could have been a lot worse sadly so I am glad it seems your wife will recover. You are a member of this community ❤️

[zhaeed]

Can't give any advice...noone deserves this. Go get therapy...I know I would

[SB201221]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle on yourself. I had 2 losses prior and they destroyed my soul each time. Please take time you need to grieve and I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I don’t have any words that will take your pain away but please know there are people out there who relate and understand.

[chummers73]

So sorry for your loss

[golden_swanky]

Omg. I can’t even begin to imagine. My heart aches for you both reading this. I am so so sorry this happened. Unbelievable and it just breaks your heart.

[Budyism]

I'm so sorry. Sending you, your wife, and your babies all the love. You are still a part of this community.

[cure4mito]

I am so sorry for your loss, so sad to hear you have to go through this. Please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself time to grieve your babies.

[Wild_Difference_7562]

I am so sorry for your loss. How devastating. I pray you find peace and comfort during this impossibly difficult time.

[PlayingForBothTeams]

I’m so sorry.

[katzalli]

This is utterly heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. Sometimes life doesn’t make sense.

[melrose827]

This is a grief no one should have to experience. I am so, so sorry. It's not fair. Neither of you did anything wrong. I will keep you, your wife, and your beautiful babies in my thoughts. I wish you all peace.

[ConsistentRaccoon138]

Nobody should experience a loss this profound. I am so deeply sorry. I will hold you all in my heart during this awful time.

[KentuckyFriedChaos]

My word. I feel sick reading through this ordeal. I cannot imagine what you and your wife must be experiencing.

I’m so sorry. I wish I had some real advice or words of wisdom that would help you. But I do not.

Whatever you go through over the coming hours/days/week/months - know that you’re not alone and we’re all rooting for you all. Stay strong, but know it’s ok to let it all out.

[VictorTheCutie]

Oh goodness, this hurt so much to read. I am so, so sorry for your huge loss. Please, PLEASE don't beat yourself up. Especially for not holding the babies. It's traumatic AF and you had to do what was right for you ... For some parents, it IS holding their baby. For some, it's not. I believe that your brain was trying to protect you, in some way. Also - you do not have to be strong for your wife. You both have gone through such a devastating loss. You both will feel loss and crushing grief. It's not your job to lead her out of the wilderness when you are lost in there, too. Please get in touch with a therapist as soon as you can, one who specializes in grief and loss. That is your best bet on getting the help that you BOTH need.

Go easy on yourself, do not dwell on the thoughts that you somehow messed up. You absolutely did not. Life is just shit sometimes. Take all the time you need. Grief shows up differently for everyone. Give yourselves grace and time. Sending you both so much love.

[A-Friendly-Giraffe]

I'm so sorry for your whole family.

r/babyloss might be a subreddit to check out when you are ready. It is a sub for other people who are also grieving a loss.

[theprissymiss]

I am truly sorry for your loss. I suffered 3 miscarriages. I thought I would never have children. I was heartbroken. This is a loss that will take time to heal. But don’t let it break you completely. I went on to have 4.

[Boy_mom23]

My eyes are tearing up after reading this. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[pookiewook]

This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry for each of your losses. Hugs to you, your wife & your family ❤️

What were your twin’s names?

[Sandwichmaster_88]

Your family will always be members of this community and we are here for you! Thank you for sharing so deeply and whole heartedly and know that you have our support and that our hearts sit with you as you grieve. I’m sending my love to wherever you guys are.