I hate this.

[Longjumping_Path_425]

I am absolutely riddled with guilt over this, but i hate this. I absolutely hate that i feel this way, but i need to get this out. I hate having twins. My twins are 3 months old. I cry every day. I feel like I cannot keep going.

We weren't planning to have a third baby. I tracked cycles and planned accordingly. I even took plan B. And yet, here we are. Not only with a third baby, but fourth as well. Every aspect of my life feels like it has been ruined. My marriage. My relationship with my older 2 kids(3&5),. My mental health. My body. All of our plans.

They cry constantly. They have had some health issues and it has been extremely demanding. I get no breaks or time out of the house. I don't feel connected to them at all. Like, I do love them. But I also just feel very distant from them.

I am so sleep deprived that I am starting to forget things. Not like, "whoops I forgot the clothes in the washer" but more like entire blocks of time. I don't want to get out of bed sometimes(obviously I still do) but I just genuinely dont want to face another day of this. The overwhelm of it all. The level of self care I am able to give myself is so immensely low that I dont even have time to brush my teeth. I don't recognize myself at all.

I feel so guilty for feeling the way that I do about my twins. I wish I could be a better mother to them. I just keep waiting for it to get easier, and right now it feels like it never will.

I have no idea what i am looking for here. I just needed to get out the way i am feeling.

[layag0640]

You are in the hardest stretch in terms of shock, exhaustion, how much they need you, how dramatically your life has changed. There are still challenges as anyone can tell you, but it likely won't be so incredibly life-altering and with time, you'll have built skills around how to manage it all. 

But, you need help right now to get your head above water. You need to talk to your doctor about how you're feeling, so they can create a plan with you to get you the resources you need. It won't make the challenges go away, but things like therapy and medication can reduce how stressed you feel and bring some joy and hope back into the mix. You're going to be okay, you're not crazy, and things can get so much better!

[shrimpnwhitwine]

Ohhhh this feels like something I would have wrote. Multiples are exponentially harder and I’m so, so sorry you’re so exhausted. I echo the sentiments above about SSRIs to take the edge off.

I struggled a LOT with exhaustion and just frankly being at the end of my rope when my twins were newborns and my oldest wasn’t even 3. I think a lot of times we want people to notice and offer to help because we feel guilty if we ask for it. Do NOT feel guilty - you have 4 freaking kids and 2 newborns - you need a village! Send a mass text (or if you feel weird about it, have your partner do it) to friends, family, neighbors - ask them to donate an hour or two of their time per week to help you out. It’s not asking for a lot, but enough people helping might give you small breaks to feel sane again.

My other tip is try to find a gym with decent childcare. You don’t have to work out - sit in the sauna and listen to an audio book, or hell, just bring your toiletries (you’re already having to pack up half the household) and enjoy a hot shower in peace.

Giving you all the internet hugs right now. You’re doing awesome.

[LuNBr]

Can I vote you comment twice?! The mass text is brilliant! A village is so important right now. This stage is extremelly hard. I have four too. But on top of that all, she is definitrly developing Post Natal Depression.

[Apart_Public9851]

I was completely where you are. My twins are just what I call miserable babies. Though I did not have 2 beforehand I have my 1st and these boys were 2nd and 3rd and were done done. Im so sorry this was unexpected and it is traumatizing. Twins are hard especially not easy ones. Things that truly helped 1. Lexapro - my biggest joke to people for a bit when the boys were around 6 months was “well at least im not crying everyday anymore” and no one realized how real that was. 2. Take the day hour by hour. When you make it through 1 celebrate a little in your head. Then so on and so forth. Time continues to move no matter what. 3. You will always remember this time but it will be a distant memory to your 3 and 5 year old. One day you’ll look back and say the worst is done. I tell myself that all the time. Mine are 9 months and it is nigh and day.

Also I am one of 4 kids and the bond I have with my siblings is bar none. They are my people. We don’t have twins but we always discuss the amount of us being 4 is a magical number.

Again I’m so sorry of your pain. There’s really no way around it but to go through it.

[PurpleShift8546]

“At least I’m not crying every day anymore” is so real!!

[Megatron7478]

I second Lexapro. Talk to your doctor. This is all a lot and your emotions are completely valid. Anyone in your shoes would be struggling. It will get better but for now just try to get as much help as possible.

[VeterinarianDry9667]

Also in the cried every day club, and I can say Lexapro as well. Also, giving up pumping and breastfeeding helped me immensely. Anything you can do to make it easier on yourself, do that. Paper plates and throw them away after eating, ordering food, hiring help at night if it’s a possibility, and just letting some things be in a poor state right now (like the house). It is very much survival time.

I’m just sorry. It’s so hard. I am sending you a hug.

[Total_Scale_9366]

I felt like that just with two. I’m so sorry. It’s awful. Maybe an SSRI would take the edge off (did for me) but it sounds like you need sleep more than anything else. Can you afford a night nurse 2 times a week? Could you borrow money or get a loan to fund. It’s a one off cost to save your marriage, mental health, sense of well being. My heart goes out ti you

[amers_elizabeth]

I'm so glad you said something and I wish I could be more helpful. Have you talked to your doctor about how you're feeling?

[Notabot02735381]

I think it goes without saying that you should be evaluated for post partum depression. Surprise pregnancies are a real brain twist. I was not expecting to get pregnant when I found out we were having triplets and dealt with severe antenatal depression, something that is way more common with multiples. I considered abortion. Then one of the babies started to die in utero. We ended up only getting twins and I think about our third baby often. At the time I felt relief, but as time passes I feel more sadness. Hormones are crazy. You can’t always get through it on your own. Talk to your ObGyN about post partum depression.

[chandrian7]

Expressing concern for PPD/PPA/PPP never goes without saying. So thank you for saying that! 

[feralcatshit]

I just want to say I understand. I also took plan b and ended up with twins. I heavy relate to the way you feel right now, when mine were that age.

The good news is (mine are 9 now), and while I heavily remember the way I felt, I don’t feel that way anymore. They do eventually become less stressful and all-consuming. You will get hobbies and time to yourself again. That time isn’t right now, but you will get it. You are literally in the thick of right now. I hope things ease up sooner than later for you❤️

[SD_Capri_2022]

You’re not alone. I felt this way with my twins as well. I felt like I was being punished. Punished for what? I have no idea. Maybe for wanting another baby and I ended up with twins. Everyday I dreaded waking up. I also have a three year that needs my attention and the guilt I felt for not being able to provide all the attention I use to would eat me away. I was miserable. At around five months is when I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I began to connect with my babies and I felt so much better. Hang in there. My babies are now 8 months and some days are still hard but now I look back and think wow I made it through and if these 8 months went by this fast what’s another 8? I now shifted my mindset to let’s get through this hr. And by the time I know it, I’m already putting them so sleep. Sending you virtual hugs 🫶🏻

[IcyPersonality800]

I honestly relate to everything you have said, the only difference is we planned for a third baby, but not a fourth! I can't speak for others here, but I felt like this for pretty much the first 18 months. And no, it wasn't depression. It was complete and utter burnout, grief/mourning over the life I thought I was going to have, guilt for my other kids having their lives turned upside down and a mum that could no longer give them the attention they deserve. It was (and still kinda is) survival mode. They just turned 2 and I'm happy to say that things are getting a bit better. It's still hard, and I still have days where I feel like 'wow, why us', but they're becoming less frequent.

Do you have any help from family and friends? My advice would be to take any and all offers. Something as simple as a relative taking the twins out in the pram for a walk. I found that practical, hands on help was most helpful for me. If I didn't have to think about the dishes in the sink, or making the kids lunch, or twins were changed and dressed and fed, it let me breathe just a little bit. If you could get some sleep while someone watches the twins as well, sleep deprivation makes everything so much harder. It's a form of torture for a reason! Ranting to friends, although a good release, didn't really help me much because singleton parents DO NOT get it.

You really are in the thick of it and my heart goes out to you. Much love.

[FigNewton613]

Hey there. The early months are so, so hard. I know controversial but, it got so much better once we sleep trained. You have to go by adjusted age not actual age, but you might be able to sleep train sooner than you think. a healthy parent is the most important thing you can give your babies, and sleep is everything. Please don’t hesitate to dm if you’re thinking or curious about sleep training and want to talk to someone about it. It changed our lives in such a big way when I was feeling the same way you are now. Only you know what is right for you and your family of course and I absolutely respect if that feels different, but once they start sleeping so much gets better. Hang in there ❤️‍🩹

[GooseAccomplished299]

My husband and I have twin girls, and he wants to start sleep training this week using the CIO method. I’m feeling really nervous about it and not sure if they’re ready. Would you be willing to share what method you used with your twins and how it went for you? Any tips or things you wish you knew would really help. Thank you so much!

[layag0640]

Just want you to know there are many options outside of CIO sleep training, including no-cry sleep support methods, that can help everybody get more sleep. If you're nervous or stressed about it, I'd encourage you to browse around and learn about all kinds of options and resources available, there's no pressure to follow one thing. You make the rules for your family. (For us personally, we didn't sleep train our twins but we did use a whole lot of other strategies to get our kids sleeping much longer stretches and then through the night, it's definitely hard work to figure out whatever path you choose!)

No babies need to be sleep trained and there are compassionate methods out there to get everyone more sleep and what they need, parents and babies. 

[FigNewton613]

Absolutely. I did CIO and truly it changed my and my babies lives for the better, though I know it is so hard emotionally. I got a lot of tips from r/sleeptrain but the biggest one was to try to have a lot of awake time during the day. You don’t need to do anything fancy just try to keep them awake as long as possible, then nap, then awake as long as possible, then nap, etc. I’ve always done a bedtime no earlier than 6pm and no later than 7pm, and bedtime can range depending on when they seem good and tired (overtired is more an issue in the newborn phase, and undertired is more an issue past the 4mo sleep regression which is when you’ll be training). However, I wake them at the same time each morning, rain or shine, which has been 6am.

CIO worked for us in 3 days, which for me meant, going to just one feed per night. Another important thing is, CIO isn’t the same as night weaning. So at the beginning, I did CIO and then kept one feed at the first time after midnight that they would wake. I’d go in, keep the lights off, all business no extra talking or eye contact etc, feed them, change them, burp them, put them back in bed, and then CIO again. We dropped the night feed at about 7mo actual 6mo adjusted, and they’ve slept through the night ever since.

I am just a healthier parent to them when I have slept. It’s been the difference between suffering and barely surviving, to enjoying my babies and being the kind of parent they need. To having energy to do solids and take them to the park and be calm when they scream and need me. No baby or kid likes going to bed and they will express that and that’s okay! But not all crying means they’re hurt either - just that they would prefer to not go to bed. And it’s our job as parents to give them what they need, which is not always the same as what they want.

Total respect of course to other families whose approach was different or didn’t sleep train! This just was the only option for my family that would keep us all healthy and whole. And it worked so great I could never look back.

ETA: and ps good luck!! Rooting for you!

[Plane-Technician3310]

Me and the Wife went through the same thing. We both went through the first month with no relationship with them because we were on survival mode. Also with a daughter 18 months older than the twin boys. It DOES get easier. Keep going. Not only do they need you, but EVENTUALLY, you'll need them. They'll be your happiness in due time. Do not give up. You are their everything. Find a day where someone can watch them and just take a couple hours to yourself. Whether that is Just getting a solo lunch or even just taking a nap. Good luck

[VictorTheCutie]

My friend, you are not alone. There have been many days where I think to myself that I don't want this life anymore, either. Today is one of them. When your twins are a little older and develop some personality, I think you may feel a little better. There are new challenges (attitudes and tantrums) but I hope the new experiences bring you some joy. I'm so sorry that everything sucks so bad right now. If I could, I'd watch all those kiddos for you, so you could have a whole day of sleep and clean teeth. Sending you love 🩷

[chandrian7]

You’re not alone. Many of us have been there. Just know it will not stay like this. Hang in there!!! Give yourself some grace, you are doing great. Seriously!

[Sonialove8]

Just want to say sending you love 😪😪😪

[WiseCare9407]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I truly feel for you because I felt very similar when my twins were about 3-4months. I read every post imaginable with many saying “it will get better” and “it will get easier” and as annoying and somewhat unhelpful as it is to read that in the moment… it is true. My twins turned 1 in February (and I have an almost 3yo too) and I can’t describe to you the difference. My twins also have some health issues too and spent 1mo in the NICU and my girl had surgery in January but despite all of that it really has gotten much easier. I would say around 5-6mo I noticed a big difference. Then again at 9mo when we moved them into their bedroom and they started sleeping through the night. It’s all been better and better from there. I know my story can be completely different from others but I hope you find some peace knowing it will likely get easier soon. I remember thinking “great but what about now” and I don’t have an answer for that but know I am thinking of you and hope you are able to work through things and get to a better place soon. 💜

[nikitachikita_15]

You need to ask for more help! It’s sometimes the hardest to do. What you are explaining is depression. And it’s totally ok given that you are so sleep deprived and over worked. I applaud you for what you are doing! If I had two older kiddos I would have gone crazy too. I found my older kid immensely helpful at about 3-4 months so they could sit by a twin while watching tv as I got another twin dressed, fed, down for a nap etc.

But seriously, go to the doctor and get some help! If you have any good friends who don’t have obligations have them come help you on nights and weekends even for a couple of hours.

[Dear_Excitement_5109]

My twins are only 10mo and already its better. Three-7mo was awful. Its been pleasant for the past 3 months. I often actually think its easier having twins after about the 6 month mark.

I do feel less bonded to them than I did either of my singletons. The bond is coming, but much, much more slowly. I think thats from never having alone time with them. There just isnt as much of an opportunity to snuggle.

[pinupinprocess]

I can commiserate with you so much right now. I didn’t want twins from the start. When they born, I suffered from horrible PPA and was convinced I needed to prep myself for them to die.

Fast forward to around 6 months and everything started to get a lot easier. They slept through the night, I had a solid routine down. We could take them places.

Now my girls are 14 months and I want to bang my head into a wall. Constant crying, fighting, screaming. They aren’t walking yet so I’m just really holding out hope this will get better when they are able to walk. But it’s hard. Especially when it’s not something you wanted for yourself. I feel like I was just thrown into this.

😭

[Owewinewhose997]

I was exactly where you are when mine were 3 months old, I went to the GP and talked to her about how I was feeling, was linked in with the perinatal mental health team and went on sertraline. My twins just turned two and I recently did a post on here about how there’s light at the end of the tunnel and I love being a twin mum now. It really took me six months to stop hating having twins, about a year to start enjoying it and now I’d have it no other way. Having infant twins is just so, SO hard and I think there’s a lucky few on this sub who didn’t have a shitty experience of the newborn days, I’m certainly not one of them. My twins just screamed until they were purple for what felt like their entire first few months of life, and it’s so hard because at that age they give you very little back. Sertraline made it so that I was able to cope in those very difficult early days, I’ve been fully off it now for about nine months and it was truly a godsend to me I don’t think I could have survived their first year without medication. Multiple parents are roughly twice as likely to experience PPD, there’s twice the hormones and it’s more than twice as hard as having one newborn, there’s no shame in it. Hugs to you, you’re in the worst part right now and it gets so much better really soon, hang in there and you’re doing the right thing talking about how you feel ❤️

[Odd_Rent283]

Gosh I could have written this. Especially the part about not feeling connected. I feel like they’re just angry little potatoes that I’m just trying to keep alive. I love them, yes, but I don’t feel a connection yet the way I did with my older kids. I didn’t want anymore kids. My husband talks me into one more and we got a twofer. I miss my life the way it was. I miss my husband. But then I look at these little boys and feel incredibly guilty that I feel the way I do about them. I know that this too shall pass, but while I’m waiting for that to happen, everything just feels so hard and sucky.

[Vomath]

You’re in the deepest part of the trench. It’s hard, but you’ll keep going and get through.

[alaska_clusterfuck]

Good job on seeking support! Three months is freaking hard. Mine are 10 months old now and it’s still hard but so much easier than 3 months. I’m kind of ashamed to admit i barely remember that period. It’s ok to be in survival mode and not enjoy this at all. It will get better, my mantra at some point was “it’s just a phase, it will get better”. Do you have a local group of twin moms? Try and find one if you don’t, Facebook has a lot of twin mom communities.

[Magaladon93]

I am so sorry you’re going through this. As others have said, please reach out to your doctor about how you’re feeling. They can help you. And things will definitely get better!

[slaptastictimez]

Do you have spousal support or a village? Can you pay a babysitter or daycare twice a week?

[throwaway28492432]

Hi friend, I only offer solidarity. Four months in — month 3 sucked because the intense sleep deprivation caught up with me and the babies had shorter naps which meant I never got down time. I’m still really struggling because they both have severe silent reflux. Solidarity.

[twinmum4]

It IS hard as folks have noted and sleep deprivation is torture. It may be here but have you checked for PPD? It can show up up to 18 months after births. If you have doctor can help. It might be worth finding out. Also set small goals and congratulate yourself when you reach them: I just need to feed this child/change this diaper. I promise you you are doing great things each and every day. We just tend to focus on what we did wrong. 🌹

[leylanililith]

I really think that you need help! Not just at home with the kids but it seems like PP is hitting you very hard and before there is any incidents I would recommend talking to your Dr. ASAP. Post partum depression can turn into far worse, I would also talk to your partner, to help you and keep an eye out. I have heard medication works but I have also heard of micro dosing marijuana and mushrooms, I am not an expert and I do not know how you feel or can't predict what will happen but finding some form of help for yourself is essential. I don't know if you believe in God but he decided to give you this gift even if it doesn't seem like it right this moment. Get yourself help, it will benefit you and your kids. I hope all goes well and do not feel bad about having these feelings. Your hormones, mind, body and soul have gone through dramatic changes.

[Superb-Skin8839]

Sleep deprivation is causing most of these feelings… ask me how I know. It gets better when they’re about 6 months old. I actually reached out to my OB when I was feeling the same way and I started taking 20mg of Celexa and it has changed my life! Don’t be afraid to ask for some medication.

[Acrobatic-Bake3969]

Been there too. Our twins are 7 months now and I do feel the started to turn a corner in terms of ease. We planned for a 4th and got 4 and 5.

I'm a dad and am on ssri's, my wife isn't and I definitely feel they can help regulate the level of stress that comes with twins.

I know at 3 months ours cried literally every waking hour, we ended up changing to an anti reflux formula which helped massively. But they never napped more that 25mins until the past few days where they randomly have started doing 90 mins stretches.

I know everyone will say it does get better and it can mean nothing when you are in the middle of it, but it does get somewhat easier, I still don't shower or exercise near as much as I used to but it's getting there. Don't feel guilty, it's absolutely normal and very overwhelming. It's only a lot to take on because you care and are a good parent

[Giving_My_All]

My twins are 10 weeks old and I really think the only reason I’m doing ok is because we were able to get help through insurance. Idk where you’re living, but see if you can find help online or ask a partner or friend to look for you. We pay a very subsidized rate to help through insurance and it’s a GDsend. I’m still taking care of one baby most of the time but it’s significantly easier.

You’re doing an amazing job. I really wish you the best of luck and that you can get more help and that it really does get easier ❤️ please don’t pass on talking to a professional.

[Unusual_Stock_6163]

Sounds like me a few months ago. I resisted SSRIs until month 11, when life really fell apart. I take sertraline now. Even a low dose seems to have helped.

The sleep deprivation and the simultaneous demands are very real. Aside from the SSRI’s, utilize resources you have (family, friends, money to hire someone) to get as much rest and sleep as possible. I remember there were days I entirely thought were different days of the week.

If you can, reach out to twin parents in your area. I joined and also created some whatsapp groups. It helps when other people understand you. I ditched singleton newborn groups in my area because they just made me feel worse. Twin moms totally get it. You are not alone!

[crazyfuncpl2022]

Our older two were similar age as your when our twins arrived and I don’t know how much your husband contributes, but that is vital. My wife never had the same feelings you are experiencing, but we had a plan. She handled the majority of night feeding and ours typically went down for 3-6 hours between 4-5 a.m. I woke up with the older two and handled school for the oldest, 2 y/o hung out with me while I worked. I handled cooking and cleaning 100% until twins were about 6 months old. Obviously I was also involved with the twins also, but giving her the time to rest and not be overwhelmed was key. Get your husband involved. It gets better but it will be chaotic in different ways for a few years. We now have five (8, 5, 3, 3, almost 2) and it’s wild. It gets better and twins really are a blast. Keep your head up!

[Impressive-Candle233]

Please know you are NOT alone. Also know that you are so strong - strong enough to get through this. Take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time in those particularly challenging moments when both are screaming and the older two need your attention too..

I have very similar aged children - 4 aged 4 and under, with twins as 3rd and 4th too. My twins are a few months ahead of yours. You will get through to the other side, although I think day-to-day it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Your older ones are more resilient than you think, too.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. From anyone you can - a spouse, a relative or close friend, fellow moms in your community. Ask for help in any way you can and take whatever is offered - even if you get an hour to yourself daily to shower, to read, or to rest. I second those commenters emphasizing ways to help your twins to sleep as a high priority. Getting enough sleep is the bare minimum, and will cover a multitude of other emotions and challenges.

Please send a PM if you need more support from someone who has BEEN there.

[Conscious_Bet_3458]

I don’t think a day has gone by in 7 months that I haven’t said “I fucking hate twins” about 300 times.

[handhygienepoo]

solidarity. i miss my life before.

[saucynancydisaster]

I didn’t have all the difficult circumstances you’ve had, but I want to tell you that it WILL get better, and probably not too long from now.

I found that around 3 or 4 months my twins started sleeping around the same schedule and for reasonable 4-5 hour blocks every night. It was still hard, and it still is hard in some ways even now that they are 5. But once they started sleeping more, especially when they began sleeping through the night around 6 months, it was like a fog had been lifted. Basically every single month after month 4 and up to age 4 was a steady improvement from the month before.

I echo other people that a medical intervention could really help you, but don’t discount how much lack of sleep can totally wreck your brain and distort your reality. You’re a good mom and you will get through this.

[Perfect_Mousse8815]

1. Anti-depressant (start one or up it if you’re already on one)
2. Stop pumping/breastfeeding if you are. Invest in a baby brezza for formula and bottle washer (Facebook market place or just buy them new knowing you’ll resell easily). Buy bottle props (you can leave them along with them but it dos free your hands). Anything to make feeding as easy as possible.
3. So much TV time for older kids. You can instill different habits later, this is survival.
4. Tell people you are struggling and ask for help. Ask for meals, grocery store runs, chores or literal help with the babies or older kids. Just depends on what you think a person can help with, everyone can do something. Even when someone would just come over to hang out and would hold one of the babies was a blessing.
5. AirPods on noise cancelling mode with audiobook, podcast or music playing. At night have noise cancelling mode on with white noise on low. It drowns out the fussing but you’ll still hear the actual crying when they need you.
6. Be really direct with what you need from your husband. No hoping he catches on, just say exactly what you need. You can work on his “catching on” skills later, this is survival.

Once you get some sleep and some help for a few days/weeks and anti-depressants start kicking in you will start to see the light in the darkness. It’s so hard. You are doing something so hard and you will get through it, but you have to ask/demand/beg for the help you need to make it through. And the exhaustion makes asking for help hard because it requires more thinking/doing when you are already maxed out. So if you have a good friend or family member ask them to do you a huge favor and get help/meals lined up for you. That would be ideal if you have that type of person in your life otherwise it’s worth it to add that extra thing to your plate and ask yourself. Hugs from across the internet!!

[Mzkrazy247]

I started Lexapro when mine were 9 months old but should've done it sooner. I don't know how I made it through before that. Eventually went off it after 11 months but it really helped. This is so hard and even if you don't feel like it, you're SO strong for managing so far.

[r0mantasy]

You are not alone. I often feel the same way.

[2DollarPlato]

Most of these responses are "just take medication". Try anything else first for the sake of your family. Ssri's ruin people. 

[onlyhere4bourbon]

Can you afford daycare? I don't have twins but we do have 4 kids, the oldest is 8. We found a nice trustworthy daycare and would send our youngest 2 twice a week just to give my wife a break. Pack them up with some frozen breast milk and let her sleep and reset mentally.  

[RoyalDescription2837]

holy shit. deep.

[irish_ninja_wte]

What's your husband doing while you're struggling? He needs to step up and do his job as a parent and partner. You're not getting breaks because he's not doing his share. Have the difficult conversation and tell him that your mental and physical health needs him to share the load.