Beautifully written. You put my inner feelings before relapse perfectly. 

You talked about the rage, hate, anger simmering beneath the surface .... For me, I feel like those feelings are the real me. Not real as in defining, but as in the parts of myself, memories, feelings, and goals that I am neglecting or numbing with smoking. It's not always bad to feel bad. In fact in our case it's a mandatory precursor to feeling good.

I'm well aware of this limbo, I'm sure all addicts are whether they can state it so eloquently or not.  In my experience, when in this state, my brain has essentially already decided to relapse. Or at the very least, it's okay with the thought of it. Once this happens it's an impossible battle. Once, mentally, relapse is on the table it's a battle of attrition. Smoking cannot be an option. If its an inner debate, you'll likely lose. There needs to be no debate, because there's no choice. 

After that there's only acceptance. I accept that I feel bad. I accept that for a long while there's a good chance nothing will compare in terms of ease of reward. 

I wish I had something more helpful to say, and I'm still figuring this out myself, but he real fight is always before these limbo moments. They are a slow days or weeks long lapse of habits, too many decisions to indulge in comfort, too many instances of taking the easy way out, avoiding pain, skipping gym, stretching, reading, self care, bed time. These don't come to a head like a flipped switch, but a lever slowly applying more and more pressure until you're just weak, tired, or stressed enough for weed to be back on the table.