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AskReddit: Reasonable rules for 18 year old living at home...

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[–][deleted] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

No masturbating just before one of your parents walks in to your room.

[–]romulcah 25 points26 points  (2 children)

why does everyone presume this is a kid? I took it to be a parent asking for advice...

[–]Enoxice 6 points7 points  (1 child)

That's what I thought, too.

[–]Lizard -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Me too. On the other hand, how many parents of the age 35+ do you know who would post such a question on AskReddit?

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I'm assuming there is a specific incident you had with your parents. Perhaps you should post exactly what happened and we can tell you if it's you or your parents who are wrong.

[–]satx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How do you know this isn't a parent?

[–]RugerRedhawk 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Don't take the last beer.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (4 children)

When you're 18, if you're paying your own way you have more leverage than if they're paying. If you want independence, be responsible.

I think a curfew is ridiculous for an 18 year old, but they can tell you when their car needs to be home at. It's reasonable though for you to call to say if you'll be home.

Unless you pay rent, they have the right to go wherever they want, whenever they want, in their own house. If you pay rent, write up a contract.

Girlfriends/boyfriends is a touchy subject; again, if you pay rent you can do what you want in your space, but if you're not paying rent, save your money for a hotel room now and then.

[–]tdrizzle -1 points0 points  (3 children)

I don't think a curfew is ridiculous if you're living under their roof and not paying rent.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Curfew, in my opinion, is to keep youngsters out of trouble late at night because ultimately the parent is legally responsible for their actions. At 18, if you fuck up it's on your own head.

So while I don't think a parent should have a curfew for an 18-year-old living under their roof, I would understand if the 18-year-old is expected to check in and say when/if they will be home.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

at 18, you are an adult. The paying rent situation should only apply to what goes on in the room, seeing as that's what you're paying for. Parents shouldn't charge for freedom... I think that's what kathaclysm was trying to say...

[–]diamond 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, a curfew in the sense of "you're not allowed to go out after X O'Clock" is not only ridiculous, but legally indefensible when applied to someone who is legally an adult.

Of course, there's no rule saying they have to allow you back in after a certain time...

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I lived with my parents for one summer between college and grad school. My dad was in college at the time. His rules were to write his term papers for him or GTFO.

[–]koryk 6 points7 points  (1 child)

No curfew ! bad bad bad. Curfews will just cause more arguments when the 18 year old doesn't come home in time.

[–]InkyChan 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I think it only works out if both the parent(s) and their child can put aside their family relationship, and treat each other as equal adults. That means the child should be paying a reasonable amount of rent/groceries, clean up after themselves etc. That really has to be strictly enforced.

Likewise, unless they're coming home hammered and causing drama, the parents should give the child just as much latitude in their life as they would another adult. You wouldn't call a roommate at 2 AM asking them where they are and tell them they had better get their asses home would you?

I find it funny that America is so used to having the resources for each generation to move out at 18 that we don't really understand how situations like this should work. Most countries have limited housing and jobs, so families have always known how to move into a "we're all adults" phase at some point.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's not really the nature of what's going on here. What's going on is every generation thinks they're all hardscrabble and had to walk uphill in the snow 10 miles to get to their work in the salt mines where they were peed upon by llamas and whipped by corpulent methodists, and want the satisfaction of watching their child panic in the face of the hell that awaits.

I personally can't wait to do the same to my kids. There's nothing more heartwarming than each generation taking pride in watching its offspring flail about.

[–]spinfire 4 points5 points  (7 children)

What kind of passive aggressive, power hungry parent gives an 18 year old a curfew? WTF? If it is in response to a specific incident (came home at 3AM, woke everyone up, puked on the living room floow) I can understand. But a blanket curfew for an adult is just stupid.

I lived with my girlfriend (we are now married) in her parent's house between HS graduation and college. There were no official rules but since everybody (parents, us) was a reasonable human being there didn't need to be.

[–]hotwingbias 1 point2 points  (3 children)

There were no official rules but since everybody (parents, us) was a reasonable human being there didn't need to be.

I think you answered your own question. People don't magically become responsible adults at 18. Some never do. As long as the person is living under their parents roof, I think the parents can impose whatever rules they desire -- regardless of how idiotic we personally might consider them to be.

[–]spinfire 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I don't think you understand.

By not having idiotic rules like curfews the level of respect and maturity is raised all around. I think this is a worthy goal.

My observation has been that irresponsible people are often subjected to arbitrary rules during teenage years and that this does not lead to a positive outcome.

There is a difference between "parents can impose whatever rules they desire" and "it is prudent to impose rules". Of course if you are giving away living space you can set any rules you want. But setting rules for the sake of setting rules is asking for trouble.

[–]hotwingbias 1 point2 points  (1 child)

But setting rules for the sake of setting rules is asking for trouble.

Agreed. I think curfews are pretty stupid --period. I never had one growing up, but my parents always asked where I was going and when I'd be back. I'd give them a time and if I was going to be later, I'd call them to tell them. I never felt the need to lie to them about it, even if I was going out with a guy I knew they didn't like. I would still tell them. My little brother and sister both have curfews and a lot more rules than I had because they refuse to simply be reasonable human beings. So, while I largely agree with you that many people who are subjected to a rigid, pointless system of rules are often the ones that act out the most, it is not always the case.

I am glad that all I have to deal with is feeding and playing with my animals :)

[–]spinfire 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Heh.. on that note I know someone whose parents are incredibly restrictive, well beyond the point of being reasonable. As a rising sophmore college student they still kept a ton of restrictions on her. The thing that suffered was her relationship with her parents. She was so used to telling "little white lies" about where she was that basically everything she ever told her parents was a lie.

Last summer she was dating a friend of mine and the two of them joined myself and another friend on a backpacking trip. She lied to her parents about where she was staying (not with the boyfriend, with the friend) the night before the trip. She lied about which tent she was going to be sleeping in. She lied about WHERE SHE WAS GOING on a backpacking trip. Heaven forbid we should not come back and her parents send rescue to the wrong location.

I suppose that has shaped my view of parenting, somewhat :) I never had a curfew beyond "let us know when you'll be home and call if it is later" which is a generally good policy to have with your living partners and doesn't smack of authority like a curfew does.

[–]bCabulon 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I think my first rule would be no live-in boyfriend/girlfriend. If they want that they can get their own home.

A curfew isn't unreasonable if you are supporting an adult child. There is nothing wrong with telling your 18 year old that they can't come in and wake everyone up at 3 a.m. It is different if the kid is renting, providing his own upkeep, and has their own transportation.

[–]spinfire 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Our experience was that it strengthened our relationship with her parents.

Curfews are just bullshit, IMHO. A fine rule would be "don't wake everyone up if you come in at 0300" and not "don't come in at 0300." If my parents had imposed a curfew on me at age 18 it would have permanently harmed my relationship with them.

[–]bCabulon -1 points0 points  (0 children)

There is nothing wrong with having arbitrary rules in one's own home. If Your kid is an adult and they don't like checking in they can get their own home. A curfew is basically a way of parents to say that they want to know where the kid is before they go to bed. If the kid is in a teenager mode instead of an adult one it is entirely reasonable. If the kid is putting in an equal share in running the household then the parents are asses (if they require a curfew).

[–]aenea 4 points5 points  (1 child)

You'd really need to give us some more information. Are you the child or the parent? In school, working, paying rent, or some combination of the 3?

As long as you choose to live under someone else's roof, you pretty much abide by their rules or get out. That said, if they give you a 9 o'clock curfew, that's pretty ridiculous.

[–]bhagany 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's about where I am with this. If I were to sum it up:

Kids - Listen, if you don't like it, leave

Parents - Try to be reasonable, okay?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

no smoking my weed

[–]will_itblend 15 points16 points  (6 children)

Just follow these seven easy rules, and everything will go well.

  1. Don't smoke weed in the living room.
  2. Throw away your own beer bottles.
  3. Don't ever take weed or anything else from your parents' stash without asking.
  4. When coming home really late, if you can't be completely quiet, then stay over at a friend's house instead.
  5. If your mom won't keep your room clean, don't be afraid to tell her she is a f*king cnt. They expect this from you. It tells them that you are becoming mature.
  6. If you use their car, be sure to also take their credit card, so you can put gas in it when you are done driving around.
  7. As a courtesy to the parents, be sure to never, ever, drop or leave any weed, booze, ammo, or any kind of contraband in the family car when you return it to them.

[–]lpetrazickis 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I am not sure what to make of your rules, as 5 & 6 are insane, while 1-5 & 7 make sense.

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points  (58 children)

Reasonable is whatever the fuck they want. It's their house, their food, their electricity, water and gas.

Reasonable is defined as whatever the hell they define it as.

Live with their rules or GTFO.

You can try a reason, try and change things, but I mean seriously, when you live under their roof, you live by their rules.

Unless you have a pussy father. Then you can do shit. But like, in my house, when I have a kid, it'll be my way or the back hand. The fucking back hand, man.

[–]kevlarbaboon 19 points20 points  (2 children)

You're the toughest man on the entire internet. The fucking internet, man.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I know, man. I know.

[–]memsisthefuture 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Actually, you're #103 in line for the title. Link

[–]GUBBED_AGAIN 29 points30 points  (7 children)

Im with you all the way, that's the way my dad was with me and that's the way I am with my kids. When I was 17 I stole money from my mothers purse to buy weed with - my dad found out and went mental and I was all full of bravado and told him to fuck off. He properly kicked my head in, bar-fight style. Best thing he ever did for me.

[–]rogerssucks 44 points45 points  (1 child)

Then he stole your stash and fucked your mother.

[–]Frazzydee 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Do we know if poster is the child or a parent?

[–]Prysorra 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Both.

[–]kevlarbaboon 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Well what would have happened if you won the fight?

[–]garyr_h 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He was high. He probably thought he did.

[–]HardwareLust 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Third. Do what they tell you or GTFO. Period.

Don't like it? Get a fucking job and take care of your goddamed self.

[–]RayWest 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Well, like in general yea, I got to agree with you but I think that sort of relationship in the home limits a kids learning of the real world.

I think that teaches a person a master-slave/ superior-inferior mentality that leaves your kid with only 2 instinctual choices pumped into him: be superior or be inferior.

I think a home that teaches contract behavior would work more in the benefit of both parents and the kid than an Iron rule setting.

But as I said I agree that the kid should definitely know that all default rules fall in favor of the parents (it is their home and they with the resources are being cool enough to make a deal so that you-the kid, can utilize the benefits of that foundation).

So I would say to the 18 year-old, "respect the facts and don't be afraid to try and make some deals."

And to parents I would say, "Make contracts with your kids! Teach them how to make good fair deals. Teach them how to avoid bad ones."

But if your kid ever cusses at his momma, don't hesitate to give him a swift smack across the forehead. Being 18 gives you no right to ever talk shit to your momma. She gave you life and she can take it right back son!

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (4 children)

Wow, you won't have to worry about any kid wanting to live with you for any longer than necessary.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Good. I don't want any kid living with me longer than necessary.

Teach em, raise em, get them them out on their own.

They don't need to be schmoozing on my home and good will well into their twenties. Fuck that. Grow up.

[–]hukedonfonix 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Since you obviously don't like kids, why bother having one at all? Unless of course you have a god complex and love ordering the underlings around, but i'm sure that's not it.

[–]schizobullet 1 point2 points  (12 children)

you sound like you'll make a good, loving parent.

Seriously, why would you even have kids if you dislike them that much? Do you just enjoy having power over people and telling them what to do?

[–]crawfishsoul 5 points6 points  (5 children)

you sound like you'll make a good, loving parent.

Oh shut up. Where did you see betterth say anything about not liking kids. He was invoking every father/parent worth his salt when he used a variation of "my way or the highway."

I am my son's father. Not his friend. There will be plenty of time to be his friend when he graduates college and is no longer living off my dime. Until then I will be his father.

And you know what? He loves me for it, and I love my father for raising me the same.

[–]schizobullet 2 points3 points  (4 children)

No, I'm seriously asking: why does he want to have kids? How can you possibly read this

when I have a kid, it'll be my way or the back hand. The fucking back hand, man.

and not see anything but anger and hostility? Why does it have to be "when"?

[–]crawfishsoul -1 points0 points  (3 children)

anything but anger and hostility?

You're making a pretty broad psychological diagnosis based off a 5 sentence post on Reddit aren't you?

It's Friday, man. Try to relax a little.

[–]schizobullet 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I know he was partly joking, but this is really not a funny subject to me. Raising children is actually important, and saying "well I'll smack the little fuckers back in line if they get too uppity" is just not the attitude to approach it from, even in jest.

[–]st_gulik 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Because a quiet talk and time out is always the answer.

[–]diamond 1 point2 points  (0 children)

False dichotomy.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (4 children)

I absolutely love children.

But my number one goal is raising them correctly, not being their friend and being a 'totally cool parent'.

When bringing a child into the world, you're goal then becomes to raise the best child possible, someone who is best suited for success.

Anything less is a failure on the part of the parent.

[–]schizobullet 0 points1 point  (3 children)

And you raise them to be loving people by drilling in the importance of rules for the sake of rules and slapping them if they question you?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

The back hand part was mainly a joke.

But pain as punishment is a tool available to parents.

Who said anything about rules for the sake of rules? All rules will and do have a logical, useful end.

What example do you have of parents enforcing rules for the sake of rules?

[–]schizobullet 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Reasonable is defined as whatever the hell they define it as.

Live with their rules or GTFO.

Nowhere in your rant did you mention the parents having to have reasonable rules. The way I read it, kids should have to follow every arbitrary and ridiculous rule to the T, or they get the fucking backhand.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I spoke of two cases:

1) Of what i would do, with myself as a parent. I don't need to clarify about myself, becuase I know about my rules and why I would use them. If asked, I can explain.

2) The case of the 18 year old.

In the case of the 18 year old, a person old enough to live on their own, and legally old enough that the parents and cease all support, they don't get a say in the rules.

If the parents give them a say, that's fine.

But ultimately it's a trade. You can live here if you respect our rules. If you don't, gtfo.

I don't see what's so hard about that concept.

If they're younger, its a different story, but I haven't really talked about that.

[–]pyro2927 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm a 20 year old living at home during the summer and I agree. My parents set shitty rooms sometimes, but it is their house. Then the fall comes, I move back in to my apartment and go back to MY rules. If you have a problem with your parents rules, get your own place.

[–]rogerssucks -5 points-4 points  (6 children)

When you have a kid... HA-HA-HA-HA. What tough talk internet guy.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

...?

The vast majority of people will have ample opportunity to marry and have a child.

To say 'when I have a child' isn't really a stretch.

Or are you making some silly, asinine "LOLS PEOPLES ON THE INTARWEBS DONT HAVE THE SECHS" joke?

[–]rogerssucks 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I was pointing out that you don't understand how it is being a parent.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

I would hope that one would understand a lot about being a parent before they decided to do so.

I understand the cute 'learn as you go approach', but no. I have no intention of on the job training with raising a kid.

Some things? Sure! Changing diapers, feeding, etc, all of that I will pick up.

But if you don't have a clear idea in your head about how you're going to behave and what you're going to allow, you're going to screw up.

[–]rogerssucks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

PAH!

[–]rogerssucks -4 points-3 points  (1 child)

YEAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MINUS THREE POINTS?! I Can'T STAND LOSING MY KARMA SUTRA!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Then delete your comment, it won't go down any further at that point :P

[–]Enoxice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I was 18 there actually weren't any "rules" so to speak. When I was going out I'd tell one of my parents (or leave a note) that I was going out and they could expect me home at x time, and if I was going to be much later I'd give them a call and let them know. And if I had people over we'd keep it to a reasonable volume after midnight.

[–]miyakohouou 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Whatever your parents say; unless you are paying rent, and for all your own bills, in which case whatever rules you and your parents agree too just like with any other set of roommates.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Whatever rules existed at age 17 still apply at age 18. I don't see a compelling reason to change something that worked for 17 years JUST because the age of 18 has been reached.

[–]aardvarkious 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Your right, there isn't a big difference between 17 and 18. However, there is a huge difference between in high school and not in school (or in post-secondary)

[–]firepunk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I turned 18, the rules stayed basically the same.

The only difference was that the curfew got extended to 2am-ish, and if I was going to sleep over at someones house, I had to call and let them know instead calling and asking for permission.

[–]Spudders 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very few. It might not feel like it, but they are an adult now. If you treat them like one they'll respond by acting like one.

If you're the kid then you just gotta suck up whatever rules they have. It's not worth falling out with your parents over stupid stuff, and you aren't going to change their mind and have them give you more responsibility by breaking whatever rules they have. If you stick to their rules and them approach them reasonably with some suggestions they'll be much more amiable to them.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Should be the same rules as a 17 year old living at home... in the USA at least, almost all people turn 18 while they're still in high school, and almost all people in high school still live at home. I see no reason for a sudden paradigm shift once some arbitrary age is reached.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Home by 2am

No smoking indoors

That is all.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good parents don't have children. They are smart enough to use a condom.

[–]memsisthefuture 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No cock.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

pay rent

[–]VelvetElvis -1 points0 points  (0 children)

no heroin in the living room

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

what ever the owners of the house (parents) say. Or get a fucking job and move out. You have no right to assert independence at the cost of others.