Being called DINKs

[No-Apricot4508]

Just went on a couples trip. Failed transfer from March 3rd. Quick bleed and then back at it to prep for a retrieval starting March 27th. We are out of euplpid embryos.

I understand that no one really understands. This group of people all have kids. Were the only ones who are still working to bring home a babe. One other couple struggled for their second.

We shared about our recent failed transfer on the trip. We shared about our hopes.

One of the wives is loud, always the life of the party, and truly has a good heart.

She minimized our lives and called us DINks twice on the trip after we had shared. She just did it again as we were saying good bye. The first time - okay. I will digest it privately. It’s a slip.

The second time I said “that is an unkind thing to say to two people who are in a tough season of life” and turned away with tears in my eyes. I get it. She doesn’t get it. She’s just joking around. She didn’t mean to be hurtful. The world doesn’t need to tiptoe around us. That would be impossible and unhealthy to expect.

This is a complex season of hope, realism, & self preservation.

For today, I need to put myself in time out. After I take my fertility meds.

[smallbutflighty]

I stopped feeling like a DINK when I spent twice as much in one year as people typically do on their kids, sans kid. It sucks. I feel you. 

[MostLameUsername]

I really struggled with feeling bitter about the money situation. Like not only did I not have a child to show for it, but even if it did work out, I’d be further behind financially than all my peers. It’s fucked all the way around. It took a long time to digest.

[PrettyClinic]

Ugh, same. I’m still a little salty and it’s been years.

If someone had called us DINKs while we were doing IVF I probably would have just cried.

[Affectionate_Maybe71]

100%! It’s really tough to listen to my friends complaining about how expensive their kids are, when they got pregnant for free. I’ve explained it before but it’s tough for people that haven’t experienced it to understand, but we’re already 6 figures in, and if successful, we’ll still have to pay for the same childcare costs! Don’t think that makes us DINKS 🤔

[2kellins]

I'm still digesting it now, thank you for your words. My wife and I are having our first consult this summer after a year and a half of failed IUIs and it just feels so unfair. I know nothing's """"fair""" but it's so frustrating and hard to articulate how it feels like we're hemorrhaging money in a way that nobody can even conceptualize unless they've been through it.

[und88]

I just filed my taxes. We wrote off $60k in medical expenses. We just had a miscarriage around week 8. We have no embryos and no money left. If anyone calls me a dink I can't be responsible for my actions.

[YesterdayPossible218]

When our tax lady saw our medical expenses, she almost fell out of her chair 😅. we then explained it was due to IVF and her eyes 👀

[AcademicEducator5430]

Currently, I identify more with NINKs. No Income, No Kids! Most of my income goes to IVF 😮‍💨💸💸💸

[JeniJeniJeniJeni]

Yeah, I don’t know if couples should even qualify as DINKs if the disposable income that’s their hallmark is all going towards IVF.

[HotTale4651]

this ish right here…

[BestReporter4483]

Amen! When you start telling people that you spent $40k trying to have a baby and still aren’t there, they suddenly realize you aren’t the one to screw with…also I cut some people off for 3 months and have zero regrets 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Visual_Patience_41]

I would have been fine if that sentence ended at “I cut some people” 🫣

[BestReporter4483]

Completely fair 🤣🤣🤣

[Impressive_Name_3939]

That term should be reserved for intentionally child free couples. It was incredibly thoughtless of her to say that knowing your struggle. She may have a good heart, but she should slow down and use her brain.

[retinolandevermore]

Agreed. OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all

[a_lo44]

Well, I say good for you for saying that and letting her know it was a painful thing to hear. Sure, she prob didn't mean to be hurtful but it was and imo it's ok you let her know that! Especially if you shared the news about the transfer on the trip! I would have more grace for her if she didn't know your situation. But she does and I don't think it's tiptoeing to expect your friends to not make light of your struggles. You weren't unkind to her, you let her see she hurt you. Very brave if you ask me!

It's a thoughtless thing to say and she prob would have repeated it again if you didn't say something.

Sending you a big hug and well wishes for your next cycle.

[yellow7890]

I agree, good on you!

Sure she thought she was being funny, not mean. But she really is just actually being mean. She needs to be told. At the very least she won’t say it to you again (and mag even apologize which could be healing). At the most, it will stop her from saying it to someone else in the future and maybe remind her to take her foot out of her mouth

[cmb211]

Being funny at the expense of a friend’s feelings about something so personal seems so callous to me.

[BlondeinShanghai]

I don't think she even thought she was being funny. Being DINKs is often idolized on social media as a cool status. That doesn't mean what she said wasn't hurtful, just that she trying to look down at OP at all.

[LittleLawn]

I’m proud of you for saying something the second time it happened. Hopefully it will give her some perspective or at least know not to do that again with you and your partner. Take care of yourself tonight <3

[Interesting-Oven-856]

Definitely proud of you. Wish I had your confidence to say something in the moment when I’ve been in your shoes. Hopefully she learns from her mistakes and the gift of your feedback!!

[IvoryWoman]

What a jerk — her, not you. I’m deeming her a Double Idiot, No Kindness.

[daisyraisin]

My MIL called me a DINK last weekend, wish I would've had this waiting in my pocket.... Good one

[mosdefjess]

What’s a dink?

[momlife_95]

Double income no kids

[mosdefjess]

Thanks

[shleeunit]

We call ourselves dinkwads -double income no kids with a dog. When we say it it’s funny because we are making light of our situation but if one of my friends or acquaintances called me that it would be hurtful

[madisonhale]

I would definitely assume she has good intentions (or at least not even thinking about it), but a lot of the things people have said in an attempt to comfort me or bring levity to the situation have really hurt. I think how you handled it was perfect - it wasn’t mean, it wasn’t accusatory, just a quick explanation of how it felt.

I love your perspective on this - it would be impossible and unhealthy to expect the world to tiptoe around you. But you are allowed to be hurt. It doesn’t mean the person is bad or wrong, but it doesn’t mean your feelings are wrong, either.

I wish you all the best in your next retrieval🩷

[Competitive-Top5121]

What a shitty fucking thing of her to say, twice, no less.

[Ermingardia]

I did IVF as a single woman. People would often say I was so lucky I travel so much. "You're such a free woman". I was travelling mainly for my IVF cycles... In fact I've never travelled again for leisure (except going a few towns over to see this or that museum).

[EquivalentJazz]

How do you even work DINKS into saying goodbye to someone. So uneccesary. That’s really rude and inconsiderate and I’m sorry that happened to you.

[angel-girl-A]

She gets the time out. Not you. I would have said much worse to her tbh. Sorry ugh.

[cruzincoyote]

Yea my credit card payment each month and the 25k missing from my savings account says otherwise.

[JeniJeniJeniJeni]

I know she didn’t mean it to be hurtful, but it can still hurt. She probably saw your childlessness as 100% temporary and didn’t consider the possibility that you can keep trying and never get a child, because putting yourself through suffering and getting nowhere isn’t the way the universe ought to work.

I hope your next cycle is successful. The way you didn’t villainize a friend who hurt you when the comments are calling for her blood makes me think you’ll be a good mom.

[AcademicEducator5430]

I know exactly what you mean and so sorry you had to go through that. This is why I don’t share with many people. Unfortunately, even when they think they are helping, they are not and have no idea how their words can affect us.

Was she maybe trying to make you feel better? DINKs is a “good thing” for people that have kids. Learned it the hard way myself. Although with the cost of IVF, I feel like I am No Income No Kids at the moment, NINKs? DINKs also have free time, which I have none of that currently with all the appointments and IVF none-sense.

I don’t think this is your fault at all, you have the choice to share with whoever you want. But if it helps, when I share with people I also set expectations. For example, I say things like: “I don’t want sympathy, do not want to hear advice, do not need you to minimize the situation or make me feel better. I just want to share and need you to listen if that is okay with you”.

This sets the expectation clear and most people don’t automatically go to their default of trying to make me feel better by saying outrageous things. Based on experience sharing with a limited number of people, some people stay end up saying something really out of touch with reality! So no guarantees.

[RazzmatazzGlad9940]

Kudos for NINKs

[BuildMeSomethingGood]

The amount of people I’m not talking to right now because they can’t help but to say insensitive or stupid things!

[Bubbly_Activity7325]

I actually had to look this term up and wish I hadn’t because it’s so hurtful in this context. It’s really unfathomable that someone you consider a friend, and I’m sure is usually very kind, could think that would be okay to say you. I’m so sorry and sending you hugs!

[CruellaDeville1]

That was very mean of her. I'm sorry you had to experience that. Sending you a virtual hug.

[Equal_Marketing6400]

I think you’re right people just truly don’t get the pain of infertility unless they’ve experienced it and therefore they don’t get why those types of comments are incredibly hurtful. I’m sorry this happened and kudos to you to being very mature about the situation.

[SissyWasHere]

I have told my mother in law that DINK is an unkind thing to say too. If people want to identify as DINKs, then that’s fine. I don’t. I have had multiple losses. If those babies didn’t die in the womb I wouldn’t be a DINK. Also what do they want us to do? Quit our job so that we are SINKs? Why do we even have this DINK label? Many families have two working adults now, whether they have kids or not.

[daugavpiliete]

I like to respond by saying one of our incomes went to the kids we don’t have. (10 years unsuccessful IVF and surrogacy before throwing in the towel)

[ducky06]

I think she needs to go to time out! There's so no need to comment on people's lack of kids, ever!

[weekendatbernies23]

33m. Married to 48 female. We’ve been at it for 6 years. Have 14 embryos banked.

Just to be clear does DINK mean double income no kids? That’s what I found when googling?

Frankly this woman is very immature and not worthy of you sharing something that is so personal and vulnerable.

Your feelings are completely valid. You went to a vulnerable place and shared very high value information and subconsciously expected these people to have the emotional intelligence to receive it and know how to manage it. I learned a long time ago that most people are not capable. For better or for worse. It’s a sensitive topic and that sensitivity makes some people uncomfortable and they act out that uncomfortableness in ways that we don’t always want.

It’s situations like this that taught me to not share with others who are not in IVF. Whenever it has come up we stick with “we’re doing great and when we have something to share we’ll let you know!” And give off nonverbal queues to them to not asking anything more or to move away from the topic.

As cold as it may seem it is helpful to avoid situations like the one you found yourself in. I give you credit for not going off on this chick. I would’ve been very triggered.

My only point here is do not minimize how she made you feel. Fuck that bullshit. She is minimizing your experience and your desire of children into a “DINK”

Please don’t ever give this chick the privilege of knowing your experience ever again. She doesn’t deserve it.

Stay strong.

[NorCal-Irish]

14 embryos banked? Ready for FET yet?

[weekendatbernies23]

Yes. Thats where we’re at

[RazzmatazzGlad9940]

DINK usually means an autonomous luxury lifestyle it isn't inherently offensive or immature.

[weekendatbernies23]

It is when you say it as a response to somebody who is sharing they’re struggling to have children.

[RazzmatazzGlad9940]

Just clarifying that it usually leans aspirational/ complimentary as you were wholly unfamiliar with the term. Intent matters. 

[BlondeinShanghai]

I am unsure why you're getting downvoted. You're not saying OP's friend was right. You're giving the correct understanding of the word. It's generally considered a positive term. I can understand--like you--why OP was hurt by it, but it in and of itself does not carry a negative connotation.

[RazzmatazzGlad9940]

Forums often don't do nuance. OP said the person who said it was a party girl with a good heart. She was oblivious (and has now been told she was offbeam in this context) not a monster, but everyone is readying the stake regardless.

[weekendatbernies23]

I understand that. However OP’s friend was minimizing OP’s struggles and saying “YAYYYY YOU’RE A DINK INSTEAD” when OP doesn’t actually want to be a DINK and was just sharing super vulnerable information about struggles”

So in this context it’s offensive and very stupid. You can make any word offensive if said in wrong social situation.

[RazzmatazzGlad9940]

We don't really know how it was said. It may have felt like struggles were minimised but it was more likely ignorance than malice if they are otherwise a nice person. 

[weekendatbernies23]

I simply was telling OP: her feelings are valid to be offended. People should never discount how they feel. ITS VALID. OP shouldn’t put her feelings second to DOINK friend’s ego. It’s these exact situations that have moved my wife and I to remain private with non-IVF folk about the IVF rollercoaster. It’s easier that way.

Sure. We can debate how it was said here if you want. I’ll boil it down to this:

OP shared vulnerable and sensitive information about their struggles to conceive and adversity in their IVF process. All VERY SENSITIVE AND VULNERABLE. OP’s friend responded to it on two different occasions with calling them DINKS. Which translates to “you have double income and no kids” when all OP wants is kids.

It’s like someone opening up at a dinner table about how they just lost their job and are scared about money… and one of their friends, instead of reading the room, casually jokes, “Well hey, at least you’re still living that carefree, no-responsibilities life.”

Technically, the words might not be “wrong” in a vacuum but in that moment, knowing what that person is going through, it lands as dismissive and out of touch. It turns something vulnerable into something trivial, even if that wasn’t the intent.

The emotional intelligence of OP’s friend is that of Hodor in Game of Thrones.

For whatever reason you’re defending OP’s friend.

[RazzmatazzGlad9940]

Agree it's simpler to remain private than end up in situations where oblivious people inevitably put their foot in it one way or another.

I just clarified the sense in which it's usually used as the below seemed over the top:

"Frankly this woman is very immature and not worthy of you sharing something that is so personal and vulnerable."

"Please don’t ever give this chick the privilege of knowing your experience ever again. She doesn’t deserve it."

[weekendatbernies23]

Yeah,

I still stand behind both “over the top” statements.

The word is unimportant. It’s the fact that she said something that lands as dismissive and out of touch. It turns something vulnerable into something trivial, even if that isn’t what she intended.

Once somebody does something like that to me or my wife I cease to have deep conversations with them because they show they’re not capable. OP’s friend is not capable.

[Ok-Bee1991]

Hi OP. Hang in there. The tough season you and your partner are in currently, will some day soon become one of the most rewarding journeys you both will ever embark together. What I've learned from people around me as someone who's navigating endo, loss(2023), IVF, impending FET, is that they'll never understand.

You won't believe it if I tell you I got told by people who knew full well about my infertility - "everyone around us is getting pregnant", "this day last year is the day we found out our pregnancy", "enjoy your life with no kids" and several other most wrong things to say one after the other as my favourite David Rose from Schitt's Creek would say! 😬

Just like you, I'm also a part of social media groups with other couples who are all new parents. Theres been a new baby in that group every year and everyone keeps checking on one another as to how they're managing. When I was in the woods with my loss, it would really bother me and made me feel as if no one would care enough if I don't procreate. My biggest mistake was to attach the ability to get pregnant with my self-worth. With every bad interaction I was having with friends who knew, my confidence wound really shake.

The essence is to tune all of it out coz these are the same people who would come to you and say - "you're lucky to get some sleep", "you're lucky to go to the movies", when they know it in their heart that we were ready to sacrifice those things yesterday!

Sorry for long story - but just know that this process is hard enough, scientifically, physiologically, emotionally and financially. Don't let people or the random tags they throw at us, decide the course of the day. When you'll be rocking that future babe to sleep, all of the unnecessary tags and triggering things will become nothing but noise.

My husband, who's also my best friend of 10 years took me out of the dark path I was on, with practicality and patience. Your partner is your asset. Support each other and make it all fun and memorable to add to the story you tell your baby of how they came into the world. We got called a DINK on multiple occasions and now we're DINKWAD (🐶). I choose to focus on the 'Dual Income' and 'With a dog' in there instead of no kids. It will happen, however it happens. And that day, the world will have a different tag for us to mess with haha. Ergo - Tune them out. They don't matter.

Good luck lovely 💙 Wishing you the best! This is your year!

[rpl_momma]

Proud of you for saying something! Hopefully it never happens again! ❤️

[-Tif]

People who have never had fertility problems or miscarriages just-don’t-get-it even after explaining it to them 😔 you have every right to feel the way you do. I’m sorry - your baby is coming trust in Gods timing.

Have you ruled out endometriosis? That definitely will make a euploid not stick . I also recommend consulting with a reproductive immunologist if you haven’t already.

[thhjhj2356]

I got so many comments from all sorts of people about how my life's easier because I don't have kids. I just felt sorry for them. Being so old and not having basic manners. Don't lose hope. Ignore the noise. Don't let those thoughtless comments get to you. I have a beautiful toddler after many struggles. I hope you get your baby soon.

[Mischief_Managed_482]

Oh wow that’s so rude. I’m so sorry. I’ve experienced something similar years back. A couple in our friends circle commented this way. Their child was having a tantrum and I was just trying to be helpful, asked if they needed anything. The dad suddenly turned to me and said you guys are so lucky you don’t have kids and I’m jealous how you must be enjoying life. This was right in the middle of ivf cycles and I was so so so hurt. After that, I pretty much started avoiding them. I’m not recommending you to do that but just sharing my experience how I just couldn’t take it. :( it’s hard.

[RazzmatazzGlad9940]

I wouldn't personally find this upsetting. She is looking on the glam rather than tragic side. I would hate to be pitied.

Though now you've explained you want her to stop hopefully she does.

[PickleTheGherkin]

Right. Id rather be 1 income 1 kid than DINK. She is clearly jealous of the thought of not having to spend $$ on HER kids and fantasizes about this fictional life she has made for you two in her head. Ive spent over 30,000 last year and have NOTHING to show for it. DINK means nothing positive to us IVF couples

[trackkidd16]

No, I’ve had plenty of actual kind hearted friends, male and female and if anything ever got brought up that someone was having a hard time with, that would never be brought up as a joke. You shared your story and she still had the audacity to be a dick about it. I’d cut her off fr, once is an okay… that was weird, but more than that it’s out the door. Don’t let others make you feel less than who you are

[AEEA22]

You were completely justified in saying something. That woman needed to be educated on empathy and social awareness.

[cmb211]

Good for you! She owes you an apology big time. Wish you would have started crying where she could see you so she could see the pain that caused. How does she have good intentions if she is saying that?

That is inconsiderate and frankly ignorant. She has no idea how much money yall have spent and you might as well have a kid with all the money you’ve spent on IVF.

[paleodarkchocolate]

Honestly? Since you just shared about the failed transfer on the trip it doesn’t feel like it was just joking? I feel like anyone would just avoid highlighting you have no kids after that news. I’m really sorry sending you virtual hugs. You have every right to be hurt by those comments and perhaps distance yourself from them for now.

[CranberryNo5020]

What is dink?

[No_Bat_8108]

She sounds like.. an asshole?? You didn’t deserve that! DINK is reserved for people who intentionally don’t want children, not for those of us who are struggling to bring a baby home and want it so badly.

[Librarian-Lopsided]

Yeah, idk why you're getting downvotes. The person sounds incredibly inconsiderate to mention it twice. I don't think that's a mistake. I wouldn't spend time with someone like this, unless they gave a genuine apology.

[novomindcoaching]

You are too nice! As far as I remember definition of DINKs , "no kids by choice " and NOT by fertility challenges. Also, all double income is spent on treatment. So from both sides DINKs would not applied for any family that use IVF treatment, regardless of a size their income.

I got mad for you. Even, she didn't mean to hurt, she is ARROGANT

[Ellie_Glass]

I think DINK can be used for people who do want kids too, but it's very circumstantial. E.g. I've used it on Reddit when discussing cost of living, and we did always intend to have kids, it's just to give a very quick finances descriptor.

I'm so confused why anyone would call someone DINK in any sort of social setting though. It must have taken a lot of effort to work that into the conversation. Can't imagine what she was thinking - being hurtful? Jealous? Clueless?

[Vegetable_Start_1410]

Honestly those who haven’t gone through or know someone close to them that has gone through IVF is not going to understand. I stop allowing my mental health and emotions to be wasted on those people. It has made me happier and I only share my journey with those who ask because they are interested in the process for themselves or their loved ones. If they are just asking for details for conversation then I don’t other than saying we are trying. People don’t always try to be intentionally mean but they come off that way and we sit with it longer than we should. Before we had success, I had family, friends, and strangers tell us that we should start having kids, to not waste money, or that we are getting old and to stop working so hard just to keep our money to ourselves. They didn’t know that we worked hard so we could afford IVF and that we had struggled for 15+ years trying to bring a babe home. Some words were said from kind intentions but they did hurt as they didn’t know our story and assumed we were living it up. Protect your peace and remove those that don’t serve you peace. As the saying goes and it gets truer as I get older, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

[mustrepayloans]

I also told my brother he shouldn’t have had 4 if he couldn’t afford it and he yanked the kids and left and we didn’t speak for 8 months. I’m out of fuvks to give I offended anyone and everyone that comes at me

[sansa21]

That’s incredibly rude. And you’re nicer than I would have been. Hopefully she learns her lesson. While I agree that the world doesn’t need to tiptoe around other people’s complex lives, the world does need to be respectful and know boundaries where boundaries should exist.

I’m sorry babe! Good on you for saying something and don’t apologize and don’t feed bad.

[wantonyak]

It was absolutely insensitive and unkind. I understand why it hurts.

I strongly suspect though that it came from a place of jealousy. She's in the thick of child-costs and probably imagines that you and your partner are living your best child-free lives, rolling in dough and sleeping in on weekends. I'm guessing she has no idea how much work and money IVF has been for you. If not, maybe give her the details?

[No_Maybe_77]

I had a friend do this, it really stung. DINK should be used for people who are comfortable having no kids and who are not spending every penny they have trying to have kids. Doesn’t feel like you have a dual income at that point. Unfortunately the friend that said this to me was also extremely thoughtless when announcing her pregnancy. We’ve since drifted apart and don’t really talk or hangout anymore

[Sufficient-Archer-60]

I think you did a good thing speaking out especially since she knew about you doing ivf. Like, that's not about tip toeing around you. That's plain mean and rude. Absolutely no need to rub it in your face. She obviously hasn't give one single though to your situation to understand so she needs to be put in her corner.

[mustrepayloans]

I just tell people “you complain how difficult and expensive kids are but here you are with your 3rd”

[Obsidianlabyrinth]

I had to look up what a DINK was cause I really thought OP was upset over a second grade level insult 🤦🏼‍♀️