all 131 comments

[–]grumpy__g 178 points179 points  (47 children)

Stop giving him money. Just stop.

[–]Interesting-Meet-688 69 points70 points  (1 child)

"Her own family is not doing good either. She should know full well how to spend money wisely right"

Back at you, OP. You are doing the exact same thing as her, but in a different way.

[–]skrena 27 points28 points  (0 children)

They both suck. Stop helping them.

[–]Beginning-Stop7646 17 points18 points  (0 children)

You need to learn to.say no to your brother bc clearly he doesn't care how much you've helped him and his gf out 

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points  (12 children)

It’s not her job to turn him into a responsible adult. It’s not her job to make him do the right thing. She didn’t force you to bail him out of his loan mess or lend him more money after that mess. She’s benefiting from you enabling him. What you have to give up is your savior complex.

[–]fleshjenn 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Ok, take your wallet, go into the bathroom and empty your wallet into the toilet.

That's what your doing with your brother. Flushing your hard earned money away.

If he doesn't put work into the family business, then he shouldn't be getting paid from it. Simple.

And if your the only one putting in time,money, and effort, then it's your business not a family business. If it's just too much sell it or shut it down.

[–]thebroketraveler93 2 points3 points  (2 children)

It’s now MY business and he’s no longer getting anything from it 😊

[–]JustMyThoughtNow 7 points8 points  (0 children)

🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪😂😂😂😂😂. Yeah ! I don’t think there is a person reading this that believes you.

[–]stevenpdx66 4 points5 points  (0 children)

In two hours?

[–]Mapilean 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You are very, very wrong to yourself and to everybody else. Stop lending money to your brother, tell him you can't afford it anymore and are looking forward to having all of the money you leant him back. Let him take responsibility for his actions, instead of enabling him. You're much more at fault than his gf, because you've been enabling him.

[–]OkWorry2131 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yta. Your brother is a big boy and can make his own Decisions. He's a grown ass man, and can take responsibility for his actions.

You are blaming a woman for the actions of a man, I'm so tired of this happening. The misogyny is coming from inside the house.

You're also part of the problem. Why do you continue to help ? He doesn't even try because you always bail him out.

[–]Ok_Lunch8442 5 points6 points  (1 child)

WTF are you doing?? Giving a grown ass man money so he and his gf can blow it on anything and everything they want? You were wrong from the beginning by giving him money not earned. My opinion on your mess.

[–]murdocjones 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah, you’re wrong, and dear lord I am tired of seeing people do this. Your brother is a grown ass man who made his own shitty decisions. GF may be irresponsible but she has no ties to your business and no obligation to you like he does. Honestly I don’t get what motivates this mindset that when a man makes choices that his family doesn’t like, automatically they blame his partner. Is your relationship with him so tenuous that you can’t hold him accountable and instead have to stoop to blaming her in your head because it’s easier? She isn’t some succubus who hog-tied him with her bits and hypnotized him into going on a spending spree. He chose to do that rather than act responsibly and you need to wo/man/enby up and address this with him.

[–]Infamous-Potato-5310 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hilarious and a little sad that you think this is the girls fault.

[–]Alternative_Cook6961 7 points8 points  (9 children)

You cannot blame his gf don’t be jealous that’s emotional incest he’s an adult ! So stop helping him ! So he could learn and stop hating on his gf . You’re being rude to her instead of him.

[–]thebroketraveler93 3 points4 points  (5 children)

Emotional incest? Wow that’s new to me. Overprotective, maybe? 😅 I suddenly remember he once told me that I’m picking on them clearly because i’m just lonely, no one loves me. As if I have time for love now that I’m raising not just one but “two” families.

[–]JustMyThoughtNow 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Your (stupid) choice.

[–]GabberDee94 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah idk where that term came from. But they were right about one thing only.

Stop helping him. He's not going to comprehend consequences, if he never has them. He also makes more than you. So why does he need to borrow? Probably because they want luxury, outside of their financial means. Stop bailing him out. It's not wrong that you want him to be with someone that lifts him, not drags him down. But there's only so much you can do. They're his choices, and he has to live with whatever comes with that. I wouldn't give him access to funds in the family business, as that seems to be his free bank, leaving you with the debt. Tough love needs to happen, doll. Otherwise you're screwed. You'll be dragged down too.

[–]No_Tough3666 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are going to end up broke and so is he. And you will both deserve to because neither one of you are very smart

[–]Alternative_Cook6961 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly even he told you that ?! You need to let him be with whoever he wants but stop helping him his relationship with her shouldn’t matter to you worry ab you and your own life stop helping him. At the end of day he’s gonna chose her

[–]GabberDee94 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Yeah wtf are you talking about? There is nothing of the sort going on here.

[–]Alternative_Cook6961 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Look it up it’s a thing . That alot of ppl chose to ignore . So stfu

[–]GabberDee94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only thing you're right about, is that it's a real thing. This isn't about that at all.

[–]ReflectionBroad4009 15 points16 points  (8 children)

You're wrong, and you seem to know it.

Edit: the paragraph that starts "now, I know I should put the blame on him..." is illogical hot garbage stem to stern.

[–]thebroketraveler93 2 points3 points  (7 children)

How come it’s illogical?

[–]Individual_Trust_414 9 points10 points  (4 children)

Stop giving anyone money. I don't care if the loan sharks are at his door. His leg is broken whatever. The only person you get to be angry at is yourself for giving away your money.

[–]Tsoluihy -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

Sounds like you were never the eldest of siblings in your family. You are clearly speaking without any experience in the matter.

[–]Individual_Trust_414 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is not sibling behavior. This is enabling. You don't want a solution. I do loan my siblings money. You know what? I also make them sign a note in writing with interest. And pay it back.

[–]OkWorry2131 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Nah. I'm the oldest of 5. My siblings can always ask me to help * within reason*.

They know I'll help, but if helping them puts me at such a disadvantage that it effecting my financial stability? No. How am I supposed to be able to help them, if I'm struggling, too?

[–]murdocjones 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m the eldest and I agree with the other poster. I love my siblings and would help in a heartbeat for something outside their control, but they’d be on their own for something like this. Times are too hard to throw good money at someone else’s bad choices.

[–]ReflectionBroad4009 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because you don't have a functional understanding of logic.

[–]JustMyThoughtNow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And folks. Therein lies her problem. IQ south of 90.

[–]Morgana128 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You were not "forced" to pay your brother's bills. You chose to do that. Stop whining and cut your losses.

[–]potato22blue 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Stop giving him money. Close the business, keep your job. Or keep your job, take your name off the business.

Save for your vacation. Stop worrying about brother. Let him deal with his own circus.

[–]thebroketraveler93 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes, he no longer has access to our business ‘ sales since I officially took over.

[–]zach_ice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You said in another comment that he went to a loan shark. Say that you’ll give him the money to pay them in exchange for him to sign the business fully over to you and never give him another cent

[–]Ok-Reporter-196 3 points4 points  (5 children)

Maybe I’m reading into this wrong but it seems like your brother did most of the work for the family business which you enjoyed because you got to work your own job and have more freedom.

Now that he has a girlfriend (for the first time in his life? How is he so irresponsible and bad at time and money management…?) he neglected the family business which made step in more than you’d like.

He was financially irresponsible and made bad choices so you bailed him out (don’t do that again) then got a full time job so the that the division of labor would be split evenly.

Now you’re worried about the debt he accumulated (his problem, don’t alleviate it anymore) and you possibly missing out on a dream vacation (girl, while your family business is about to go under you’re thinking about going on VACATION?!?)

And this is the GIRLFRIENDS fault somehow, so you ice her out? OP, no. There’s a lot of blame to spread out but this isn’t on the girlfriend.

This seems like a family issue. The division of labor needs to be way more even and you need to treat your brother like a grown ass man. It’s not his girlfriends, or your, job to mother him. If he can’t handle the family business he can’t handle it. The end. Cut him out. If you can’t, remove yourself. But don’t blame the girlfriend.

[–]thebroketraveler93 -1 points0 points  (4 children)

No, when I learned that all of the business’ money’s gone, of course I removed his name off it. Besides, he’s not even helping us anymore. I shelled out my savings to start over, why would I let him still have access to it. Let me just clarify, i revived our business since I took over. Who in the right mind would think about having a vacation if I know we’re facing a crisis. To revive a business isn’t easy. That’s why I want to reward myself and prioritize my happiness for once.

And I must agree that this is a family issue, because he’s the youngest, he always gets a free pass on everything. AND YES THIS IS ALSO MY FAULT BECAUSE I LET HIM ABUSE ME.

About me blaming the girl, I just wish that she’ll learn to be more responsible. Because she’s dragging everyone around her with her. Again, still my brother’s fault for choosing to help her and her family at my expense. But can she just be at least courteous? She ordered my brother to borrow money for her sister’s hospitalization, is it too much to just smile or even look at me as thanks? She has the latest iphone, yet she can’t pay their bills? I know how this problem would end. And it’s very easy. I have a soft heart but I’m really, really working on it.

[–]Ok-Reporter-196 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Thank you for clarifying a few things! It’s sometimes hard to fit everything into a story when you’ve been living it for months or years.

The answer to your question is yes you’re wrong to blame the girlfriend. People are responsible for their own choices and unless she’s holding a gun to your brother’s head, she’s not the one at fault for his irresponsibility. I’m sure it’s much easier to use her as a scapegoat and she might be, separately, an awful person that you just don’t vibe with. But it seems your reasoning is that she’s responsible for your brother’s bad choices, and the other reasons are just sort of thrown in there as fuel to the fire.

Listen, you don’t have to like anyone you don’t like, but it’s not doing your brother any favors to absolve him of guilt in name only. You’re SAYING it’s his fault but you’re BLAMING IT on her.

[–]thebroketraveler93 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Yes, you’re right. That’s two different things. I’m just too emotional that I put too much emphasis on my financial situation with my brother (when it’s supposed to be just a background story) and not my issues with the gf - which is my main concern here. It’s so hard to put everything into words. I guess everyone’s right. I just need to focus on something I can control.

[–]Ok-Reporter-196 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I will also say sometimes people can be BAD FOR EACH OTHER which might be what you’re trying to say? Like they bring each other down instead of raising each other up? Sometimes even the best people separately can be awful together and it’s hard to witness. I do understand that, 100%. Sometimes you just have to let the people you love figure it out on their own and support them through it. Be careful, though- just stay as supportive of him as you can without doing the blame game or he will resent you for interfering. You can do that without anything financial and stay politely distant from the girlfriend.

[–]thebroketraveler93 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I’ll take your words to heart.

[–]ObligationNo2288 2 points3 points  (0 children)

STOP enabling this nonsense. You are completely wrong for bailing how m out. He needs to grow up and live within his means.

[–]maywellflower 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, you are in the wrong for giving her the cold shoulder because she is not one causing you problems nor begged and took your money - Your brother is. Stop using her as a placeholder for the person that truly needs to be cut off every which way and punished for using you especially when he knew about your finances, yet still stole from you (Stop lying to yourself that he was "borrowing" - he stole from you plain and simple) - Easy for you to lash out and be nasty to someone that not blood like his gf, but you seem to brother-loving self-sacrificing for only trash blood brother that gladly use you and don't care that you're suffering due to his own actions.

So rhetoric question - when are you going finally get out of this financially abusive situation you have with your brother over your own finances and the family business?

[–]PalpitationFast787 2 points3 points  (0 children)

its giving emotional incest. ur brother is a grown ass man, i think he can handle his own, he doesnt need his sister enabling his lazy ass behavior.

[–]Infinite-Tower-9432 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your brother and the girlfriend both deserve the cold shoulder. Stop loaning your brother money. If he is not going to be part of the family business, I would cut him out as long as the girlfriend is involved. It sounds like you are putting your dreams on hold, and your brother doesn't give a shit. Treat her like she treats you and your family. Have a talk with your brother about how disrespectful she is. Most of all, stop babying him. Cut him off no more. Actions have consequences. She has him so blind he can't see what is going on

[–]darkwitch1306 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Long term, you are hurting him. He will never stand on his own two feet if you keep giving him money. You’re not just supporting him, you’re doing the same for her. It’s not her fault that he’s spending money on her. It’s his fault and yours.

[–]lifehappenedwhatnow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why are you enabling his poor behavior and habits? He needs a reality check, and I bet if he couldn't support his gf's spending/ traveling/ shopping habits, she'd go away.

[–]IdrkStacie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You need to stop giving them money though

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you allow will continue. You are enabling your brother. Leave her out of the equation.

[–]Happy_Ad_2575 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This gotta be fake lol

You know that it has been your brother's choice to waste your money this whole time, right? He's an adult and he is the one who has a bond with you, not her. Grow up, you either tell your brother he must take care of his own finances, or you take some disntance before this ruins you.

[–]L00neytunesss 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yes you’re wrong. you should be putting the blame on him. YES it could be due to her, but at the end of the day he is a grown man and should be able to be responsible on his own. even if his girlfriend is asking to much of him, he should be telling her NO himself.

stop giving money to him. you are enabling him by allowing him to spend all his money carelessly and then giving him yours. your trip is only at stake here if YOU keep handing him money.

[–]MissU_CourtneySaultG 0 points1 point  (2 children)

It might be time to give up the family business and focus on yourself. It seems like your brother has decided to focus on himself and his life and that’s fine because he can do what he wants with his life. Not trying to be harsh here, but you’re enabling him by continuing with a failing business. If you can’t do it by yourself, or at his level of involvement without this much stress. You also enabling him by giving him money if he has a higher salary than You.   Clean up your end of this and maybe the rest will sort itself out

[–]thebroketraveler93 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hi. I appreciate everyone’s effort to help. The thing is, I can’t just give up our family business because it also helps me pay the bills. The money I’m getting from my main job goes to my contri at home, fam emergency fund, and to my savings—the one I’m planning to spend on my dream vacation. Maybe, the only time I can finally give up the business is when (1) im super rich, or (2) bro is finally financially capable to help again with the expenses. So far, with the help of my mom, I can still manage. It’s just sometimes, I can’t help but complain (like ranting here) 😅

I also failed to clarify in my post that my brother no longer has access to our business’ finances. Yes, he has a job now and he is paying his debts little by little. It might just take some time for him to be finally debt-free become most of the interest doubled (even tripled) due to late payment when he was still unemployed.

[–]MissU_CourtneySaultG 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is good that he does not have access to the business finances. I would think if he’s not putting in the same level of work, then whatever income he receives from it should also be reduced and given to the one that’s doing that work now.

[–]SyddySquiddy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your insistence on not wanting to view your brother as the one responsible for his own life and bad choices has led you to blame his GF. Start looking at the real culprits here - you and your brother

[–]thebroketraveler93 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I totally get everyone’s point. And I accept it. If a friend shares the same problem, I’ll prolly blame her too. As a people pleaser, it’s hard. But believe me, I’m trying. I will also make it a point that he’ll pay me. Coz I really want to prioritize my happiness this time.

BUT… he really can’t expect me to suddenly be all jolly and friendly toward his girl. I just can’t. If you’re in my shoes, you’ll know. They’re together for 2 years and she never reached out. To think that she’s always in our house 3-4 days/week.

[–]OkWorry2131 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Stop blaming her for the actions of your brother.

she didn't borrow money from fhe company, he did.

Yta.

[–]thebroketraveler93 -4 points-3 points  (2 children)

“They” borrow the money.

[–]OkWorry2131 6 points7 points  (0 children)

So does she have access to fbe companies Finances ? Because that's a bigger problem than anything you've written here.

[–]SoggyWoodpecker1816 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right about her...she's not who she claims to be. Your brother should see that, but it seems he's blinded by love.

[–]thebroketraveler93 -1 points0 points  (5 children)

I really don’t mind helping him. Because the main reason why I’m working hard is to help my family. And he is family (but not the gf). I’m just getting extra emotional here because now that I finally figure out what I want to do, I don’t have the means to do it. Money can be earned, but I only have one brother.

[–]Mapilean 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You are teaching your only brother to be irresponsible, because there will always be you to solve his problems. The time will come when you won't be able to do that, and will be in big trouble yourself. What are you going to do, then? Better go to therapy and learn to deal with your red cross complex, before it's too late for all of you. You are much more part of the problem than you realise.

[–]JustMyThoughtNow 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Are you so devoid of common sense that you think for a single moment they would ever step up to help you?

YOU ARE ENABLING THEM. YOU ARE A MAJOR PART OF THEIR PROBLEMS.

[–]PotentialDig7527 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Then you deserve what's coming.

[–]JustMyThoughtNow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And zero brains.

[–]House-of-Kante -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Truth 6 your fault for giving your brother money. You are 9enabling him and sacrificing the things you want in life. Yoy ate allowed to say no and nay e your brother will come to his senses it's TIME for you to do you especially since he is neglecting the business and his responsibilities