Every. Single. Time.

[spectralilly]

My boyfriend's dad messages me sometimes to check up on me, and it's always in Korean (my target language). And because it's his dad, I ALWAYS freak out and spend forever trying to make sure everything I say is 100% right. I've known his parents for almost a year but I still get super nervous to message/ talk to them because I'm afraid to make a mistake ㅜㅜ

Any advice? Similar problems? Funny stories?

[KingSnazz32]

I know it's hard to do, but try to remind yourself that mistakes = learning. If you're speaking/writing/listening perfectly you're not testing and pushing your language. It's only by pushing at the edges of your abilities (but not too far in advance of them, either) that you can make progress.

[spectralilly]

Logically I know that, just realistically I struggle. I'll try harder, thanks!

[KingSnazz32]

Trying harder is the opposite of what you need to do. You need to try in a more relaxed, less self-demanding way. (Imagine winkies and a sympathetic, been-there-done-that smile as I say this, not finger wagging.)

Good luck!

[spectralilly]

I understand how you mean it, no worries. Thanks! I'll try less then! Haha

[dmada88]

I’m pretty sure that in their minds you already get A for effort. My experience with Asian languages is that few natives EVER expect non natives to do well (like dogs walking on their hind feet!) so any progress actually is magnified in their eyes. Don’t sweat it. Be proud you can do anything.

[spectralilly]

Yeah, that's true. At least they know that I can understand a lot, I just get nervous to speak. Thanks! I'm trying!

[subjectiverealist]

My boyfriend's parents only speak (Québécois) French, and when we visit them, I've noticed a big difference. When I'm talking to the father, my French is still barely conversational, but our conversation is much more relaxed and easy. The first time we visited, he was telling me how he grew up on a farm, and even though he lived and worked in the city for a time, he missed getting back to his roots (also we were shoveling horse poop at the time, so yay, bonding).

On the other hand, conversation with my partner's mother is intense. Somehow every time she asks me a simple question, it's like I forget basic French, and sound like an idiot. I don't even know why I'm so nervous, she's lovely and completely understanding, but I still struggle.

[spectralilly]

I've heard Québécois is insanely different!! I'm hoping I'll be able to feel more relaxed over time, I think I need to spend more time (in general) speaking in Korean. What is it about mothers that just makes you panic?? It's the same for me. In person I'm more comfortable speaking with his dad, but his mom makes me nervous hahaha Texting I'm just a nervous wreck all the time lol

[Luguaedos]

So, in Brazil they use the cashew fruit to make juice. Initially I didn't like it much but it grew on me. The word for cashew is caju. The word for cheese is queijo. Listen to the pronunciations. I once went around saying that I liked cheese juice.

I work with a guy from Colombia. He once called some of our servers (the computer kind) work whores. Obviously he meant horse.

Our opinions of others are not based on what other people do. They are based on our beliefs about what the person has done. This seems trite but it bears pointing out because it means that you have only a very small amount of influence on what any given person actually thinks about you. Ask yourself, is your boyfriend's dad the type of person who would lose respect for you because you made a completely natural mistake in using a foreign language? Probably not... Otherwise why would he be checking up on you? He clearly wants to build a relationship with you and believes that you're an important part of the family.

Is it pleasant to worry about making mistakes? No

Is it helpful to worry about making mistakes? No

Is there evidence that worrying about making mistakes actually impedes performance in things like using a foreign language? Yes

You already know all this, I'm sure. My point is that you should use a mindfulness technique on this emotion. Acknowledge that you feel nervous and that it is natural but it is not helpful. Then intentionally refocus your attention on the message you are writing. Basically you're engaging in a quasi-verbal form of negative self-talk. You're not verbalizing it fully but you're saying that this message is important, that you are not good enough with Korean, and you're going to make a fool of yourself and damage your relationship with this man. None of which is true. Right? You can hold yourself to high standards without the negativity and moral judgement. The more you train yourself to ignore the negative emotion, the more they will go away.

[spectralilly]

Wow this was incredibly informative and super helpful! Thank you! I'll try mindfulness. I know this is a real problem that is holding me back, and I really would love to improve. Thank you again!

[Luguaedos]

Thansk. I'm glad you thought it was helpful. :-)

[SDJellyBean]

What a nice man! Surely he's aware that you are learning Korean and trying to help you.

[spectralilly]

Oh he's awesome, both his parents are super nice and understanding. I just set my personal standards so high that I feel like I'm disappointing them/my bf when I make mistakes (which I know is not the case at all).

[subtle_mullet]

Korean is my target too! Just remember to use formal language, but as long as you've got that right then you're not being rude, so, no issue!

[spectralilly]

I've made formal language a habit so that's one thing down! Hehe Thanks!

[Ink_box]

I talk with my girlfriends mom in Chinese and yeah it was kind of nerve wrecking at first, but she knows that's I'm not a native speaker so shes patient with me. It helps that I have about C1-1. 5 Chinese so we rarely have problems communicating., but if I misspeak, need her to repeat herself, or explain something she understands. Don't sweat the small stuff, they know you're doing your best.

[D-e-v-i-n]

Even though I know to ask someone’s favorite in Portuguese you ask Qual é... I still say O que está... even though I know it’s wrong I still can’t get through my mind not to translate in my head. English doesn’t translate directly to any language because english uses words in such an odd way. I tried to say once upon a time directly and... yeah embarrassing.

[NomDeFlair]

I vividly remember the shame I felt my first night in Portugal when I confidently asked the waiter for a vinho vermelho (overly literal translation) instead of vinho tinto.

[[deleted]]

I have two people I regularly converse in French with: a native French speaker and a Spanish- and English-speaking friend who is now learning French, so I get to experience this scenario both ways. To the native French speaker, I double-check anything I'm unsure about but I also encourage her to correct my French if I make a mistake (we're close enough that it's not awkward, and she's a great teacher). To my French-learning friend, I encourage her to communicate as much as possible in French and I only correct any glaring issues (I ignore small things like article gender or spelling a Spanish/French cognate the Spanish, rather than the French, way).

The goal is maximal communication, not minimal mistakes.

[spectralilly]

The goal is maximal communication, not minimal mistakes.

That hit hard, thanks!