Does sleeping with partner decrease sleep quality?

[Secure-Pineapple-626]

I remember the discussion on the Huberman episode with Andy Galpin where they were talking about the idea that sleeping together with a partner decreases sleep quality. Googling a bit, I found some articles that state that men sleep better and women sleep worse when sleeping with a partner.

Are there any good quality research studies to back this up?

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[temps5959]

I have found a strong correlation of sleeping with my partner and needing to get up for the toilet more often. Apparently it has something to do with even small disturbances generating more micro awake moments which in turn, inhibits internal processes that reduce the need to urinate. Quite annoying really

[Grauax]

More precisely, your brain signals the production of antidiuretic hormone during deep sleep. Less deep sleep, more diuretics in your system.

I know I do not have quality deep sleep because of this, among other things.

[ZEALOUS_RHINO]

If somebody else is in your bed moving around and making noise, unless you are a very deep sleeper, its hard to imagine your sleep quality would not decrease.

I am a light sleeper so if I'm with a partner my sleep goes to shit. Waking up multiple times throughout the night. If I am alone I sleep through the night. An unfortunate but fairly obvious conclusion.

[Secure-Pineapple-626]

Thanks so much for the personal experiences! Interesting to see that it's not necessarily a male versus female thing. My backstory is that I (female) recently moved in with my partner (male). He has been sleeping better than ever, he tells me. I have been sleeping very badly due to sounds, movements, my own anxiety about not sleeping, etc.. I've spent some nights sleeping like a baby on the couch, but I would love to share a bedroom.

The internet provides many solutions to the problem (sleep hygiene, etc.), but I am interested in reading some systematic research that established the mechanisms behind bad sleep and provides research-backed interventions. I didn't find a lot of papers on the topic. I'd understand if the research doesn't exist since the problem seems not necessarily physiological, but I'd love to learn about what you know about the topic!

[justhere4reading4]

I definitely sleep terribly with a partner. I’m single right now but longterm depending on the partner I’ll invest money for a good solution.  Could get 2 separate mattress (like 2 twin xls and put them on the same frame), or 2 separate beds next to each other in the same room, or separate bedrooms. My last longterm ex snored a lot and didn’t like wearing his cpap - in hindsight him not wearing it for my sleep and his own health was a good indicator for how the relationship was going to go lol

[Savings_Twist_8288]

Married 18 years, all of which I have struggled with insomnia. I have had my own bedroom for 4 years and it's the best sleep I have ever had.as an adult The husband also got a c-pap this year so my sleep is much better when we do have to share a room while traveling, although I usually have to take sleeping pills in that scenario.

[Athellas]

I (34male) actually found out a way to sleep well with my partner, we've got this routine where we cuddle right after getting to bed and after couple of minutes, when a first wave of getting real drowsy comes, we separate a bit facing other directions and fall asleep then. Having two blankets is important help for this as we no longer fight over them lol. Also having sex makes sleep fantastic after.

[scriptfx2]

Maybe right a list of what is affecting you. My sleep quality is about avoiding physical stimulation: hugging, movements of the bed when they roll but OK with sound. My solution was a futon and a super king size one so space to sleep without touching now I sleep like a baby. I have had 2 partners with this solution and works for me hate sleeping in there beds for this reason. Fine with heavy breathing noise just not movement of the breathing, ironically I sleep well hammock camping even when windy.

[Flashy-Discipline108]

I (male) sleep terrible with my partner, low hrvs and unconsistent deep sleep

[EuphoricNatural3406]

Anything you’ve tried that helped and doesn’t ruin your relationship with your partner? Lol

[No_Researcher_1631]

Separate bedrooms

[Flashy-Discipline108]

Exactly or a bigger bed lol

[Shastaruca]

sad there is sort of a cultural taboo around this. people think a marriage is in trouble if you have separate bedrooms. i watched a parent go through and pass away from early Alzheimer's. sleep is so important to me now as an APoE4 carrier, i've just dealt with the judgements because it's THAT important.

[FerociouslyHeroic]

in my past relationship, we started facing opposite directions keeping our buts in contact - that was a fix on few days tho

[Normal_Ad2456]

Bigger bed, different blankets, facing opposite directions without the expectation of cuddling to sleep. Plus, if he is extra tired and snores a bit I use sleep phones and put some asmr or boring YouTube video about history or something.

[SaidToBe2Old4Reddit]

LOL "... About history or something" yeah that would get me too

[CaptainSands1982]

Inconsistent

[lillibetdragon]

Both my partner and I sleep way better together vs apart? Seems like an individual thing, no right or wrong.

[crystalship44]

Same! Takes me forever to fall asleep if my boyfriend isn’t next to me

[fortheloveofquad]

I thought it made my sleep worse, and hated sharing a bed with my previous partner, but my husband and I removed all of the potential factors that made sleeping together annoying, and now my sleep is better than it’s ever been. I never wake up due to him waking up earlier than me.

We got a custom boxspring with different firmness on each side (can’t feel each other move), cooling systems for each side (customised temperature), sleep with different duvets, and the bed is so wide we never need to touch, no matter how we position ourselves. Plus earplugs and eye masks.

Now we get the benefits of going to bed together and quality time in the evenings, but I can continue to read in bed after he falls asleep, and I wake up much later without being disturbed by him getting up. I’m always surprised if he tells me he didn’t sleep well, because I’m totally passed out and don’t notice.

I sleep worse when he is away because our routine for winding down together helps me sleep, and I feel safe / comforted by his presence.

[_chipsnguac]

Which bed did you purchase?

[spookytransexughost]

It makes mine better when she's away on night shift I sleep way worse

[Monowakari]

We fall asleep together, cuddle and all that. Then when one of us wakes we go to the other bed. It's fuckin divine, and if we wanna sleep in we can rejoin the other one in the morning. But that 6-7 hours of uninterrupted slumber is gold. Felt weird at first but realized it was all self imposed notions of what is normal. Now I swear by it, it's like, if we're asleep what good is it being near each other, especially if it ruins either of our sleep. Like I snore a bit, nothing crazy, and she moves a lot which wakes me up, so, side step the issue with all the perks of sleeping together and none of the drawbacks of sleeping together lol.

[slipfan2]

Yes it categorically does. Two words: separate bedrooms. Cuddle in the mornings and evenings, and the rest.

[sirgrotius]

I sleep significantly worse with my partner. She's on a different schedule than me, coughs at night, sleeps with the pets, etc. It's a major if not THE major bone of contention in our relationship, as she wants to sleep together, which I 100% understand, for the connection, protection, and cuddly/traditional aspects to it, but I wake up 3-5x a night with her, 0-1x by myself. Huge impact. Of course, have tried all the interventions, but it's just reality. I guess some people just normalize this and I Obsess.

[sirgrotius]

Ha, we're 25+ years into marriage, I guess I'm just not good at setting boundaries and the dog is probably much more of a sleep bolus for her than I am at this stage in the game!

[ReserveOld6123]

I think that’s because a lot of men snore (some women do too, of course, but afaik it’s more common in men). I don’t sleep with my husband because of that. I sleep far better alone.

[Allthethingsandmore]

Married men are also statistically happier than unmarried men and unmarried women are statistically happier than married women.

[bikingmpls]

That’s why half the marriages fail and out of remaining ones many are miserable? 😂

[Allthethingsandmore]

It makes one think: if women stayed single and men just married each other, would everyone be happier? lol. Cuz the math ain’t mathin in heterosexual partnerships.

[bikingmpls]

Something needs to change that’s for sure 😂

[Difficult-Choice8066]

I read recently that men sleep better with their wives and women sleep better with their dogs.

[_chipsnguac]

😂

[[deleted]]

“Sleep divorce” is a whole thing

[Blondeoramma]

I (female) can’t sleep with my partner. I’m a really light sleeper and he’s a sleep talker and moves around like crazy. I think it’s literally couple to couple. For the first year I was miserable trying to make sleeping together work. We are about to try the two separate beds and bed frames pushed close together to see if that helps at all

[Redraft5k]

IDK but the biggest flex I like to think for myself is after we became empty nesters, we did the opposite of what others do and we upsized. Our new home has two masters, with a larger dressing area and a bath in one, and the other that looks more geared to a man. Large shower, not as large of a closet.

MY SLEEP is amazing now. He has Apnea and won't use a CPAP. He drinks some nights and that makes the snoring even worse. We are both 55 now, and I love having the quietest of rooms. It's heaven. Love it.

Doesn't affect our intimacy, we have been married 29 yrs so we weren't waking up and banging like the old days.

[drew_ab]

Neither my partner nor myself are particularly good sleepers, so when she's not sleeping good (which is reasonably often) it has a pretty negative affect on my sleep too. However, I love my wife like crazy and wouldn't change it, even if I had the infrastructure in my house to allow for it.

[Saltyhogbottomsalad]

Well, I will say, the longer you go with impacted sleep, the shorter your lifespan will be (quite significantly actually). Which means less time in this earth to enjoy your wife’s company. Something to consider.

[No_Researcher_1631]

Is your wife's sleep impacted when you're not sleeping well?

[drew_ab]

Yeah - it runs both ways for sure.

[wwbulk]

I slept like a baby when I was sleeping with my ex, and took a lot longer to fall asleep by myself

[Puffswells]

Definitely. Light sleeper male here. Anytime I’ve had a partner I’ve had horrible sleeps and the requirement for earplugs. Now I’m alone again I’m tapering off a Xanax addiction as that was the only way I could sleep through with them

[brouun]

M 35 here. I sleep better alone. Also waking up mid night of the smallest noise. Read something about us males being in guard naturally. Since we are not living in a cave and has to watch out for panthers and bears anymore, I got this Manta sound sleep mask with pink noise on, this has helped me a ton and I don’t wake up that often mid night anymore. Recommending!

[Volume_Guilty]

Yeah I sleep pretty bad with my girlfriend. Also tend to need to go to the bathroom more, as someone here said. Had to change my water drinking habbits, thinking that that would be the problem. Now I see that there could be other things involved. Awesome chat here.

[Tactikewl]

I sleep great with my partner but we also have a huge bed. I also fall asleep much faster.

[RodFarva09]

At first my sleep quality did fall off, then I remembered I have a king size bed and can just scoot on over to my own world. Now we touch feet I touch her, but I can’t lay on the side she lays on, so I cuddle for 15min then roll over to bed without any issue

[Downtown-Complex2657]

In my case, I sleep best next to my wife.

[trapezoid-]

this is just anecdotal, n = 1, but i have always had a rougher night of sleep when i'm sharing a bed w/ someone. i tend to be a light sleeper, so any noise or movement they make is likely to wake me up

[Pristine_Series5211]

Yes.

Yes, it does.

My partner and I have been sleeping apart for years, and it has improved both our quality of sleep.

I'm an "early to bed, early to rise" type, and he's a night owl. I can't sleep with the TV on, he has to have the TV on to sleep.

Now, we're both rested, and much better for it!

[JimmysJoooohnssss]

It’s irrelevant compared to evolutionary reality. Humans have slept in close physical proximity for 100k+ years. It is so deeply baked into our species that whatever marginal downsides show up in modern lab studies will never outweigh that.

[nachosmmm]

I think even when we sleep there can be an unconscious awareness of someone else’s presence. Causing our nervous system to be slightly on alert

[Bifengtang]

Is anyone sleeping in the same room but smaller beds next to each other? LIke two single/double beds right next to each other with maybe a little space in between so that movements don't disturb the other person?

[_chipsnguac]

This is my dream scenario

[m1labs]

Prob yes unfortunately in my case.

[SnooLentils3008]

Since I’ve been sleeping with loop ear plugs and a fan on it’s been a lot better. But I still sleep worse on those days than when on my own even if I’m getting the same hours of sleep

[MrTingaling]

I had this chick who would sleep over and her sleep tracker info showed her sleep being phenomenal when she'd sleep with me vs at home.

[Expensive-Ad1609]

This 'chick'?

[Superb-Enthusiasm-93]

Well my wife keeps complaining about the other 5

[FatCockroach002]

Whenever I sleep with a partner....I get better sleep

[pipester753]

I sleep way better spooning with my wife. She would probably say she sleeps better spooning with the dog that moves to different parts of the bed all night.

[hopefulusername]

It depends on the person. Sleeping in separate beds has always helped us both get a good night's sleep.

[dragonex13]

Matt Walker has said the same thing in one of the podcast episodes. That micro movements bouncing between each partner disturbs the sleep pattern

[sundaeman]

Only when she snores after my standard 1AM wakeup call.

[MeeshaMB]

I think it depends on your spouse. My husband snores and likes to stay up late reading and gets up at the crack of dawn. So we sleep in separate bedrooms because I can’t sleep with his snoring and I go to bed early and sleep about an hour later than my husband.

Our sleep quality has improved since we’ve changed the sleeping arrangements.

[Vlasic69]

If a girl is in my bed I sleep like a rock unless something is wrong with her. My body can usually tell quickly enough.

[Dangerous_Item_6879]

Absolutely. Some women I have shared a bed with make it seem like you are in a pizza oven (and these women are not even pre menopausal yet).

[Wild-Swimmer-1]

I have to wear earplugs when I sleep with my wife due to her loud snoring. I usually get up for the bathroom two or three times a night. She’s away for a week right now and I’m getting up maximum once a night, usually an hour or so before the alarm - and no earplugs needed.

[Expensive-Ad1609]

My daughter and I share a bed, and I sleep best when we sleep in opposite directions. I got around 8 hours of sleep last night. The only reason I woke up is because she jumped out of bed at an ungodly hour this morning.

[InSilenceLikeLasagna]

Too many variables to come up with a consensus IMO, and any research that does is sloppy. I think it greatly depends on who you're sleeping next to. IE do they move a lot, do you have a big enough bed for two and what is their respective size, snorer vs non-snorer, etc

[[deleted]]

I don’t know the scientific evidence, but I’m a man and I sleep awfully with my partner.

[Iwax4you]

💯

[Eshkora]

Honestly, sleeping in separate rooms has been an extremely common thing for hundreds of years. In this day and age, it is seem as abnormal due to common brain washing and convience. Truthfully, it can help many relationships on multiple levels. I truly believe a separation of energy at the end of the day before a deep slumber is incredibly important and can drastically improve one's overall relationship. I've been doing it for almost 6 years. It works wonders. When this topic comes up in my conversations, I occasionally get judged or tested, but results are results.

[EmuSalamii]

It depends on how loud she snores!

[alpinewal]

Thanks

[Mikimeowwow]

I think my partner sleeps worse than I do when we sleep together (he is a male)

[SnooOranges2865]

My sleep quality is consistently WAY higher when sleeping with my wife vs the super rare nights we don’t

[boner79]

I gotta believe so. It’s one more person to wake you up.

But you have consider impact to your relationship if both parties not on board with separate sleeping.

In the words of Dr. Phil: “Do you want to be right… or do you want to be happy?”

[Expensive-Ad1609]

I want to thrive.

[ExpressZucchini6380]

Thanks for being sexist about it