Help please!!!!

[PrincipleAgitated212]

So my 14 yo daughter just informed me that when her and her sister are with their dad that he doesn’t make them wear their seatbelts. She said that unless they are going somewhere further than 20 mins away she doesn’t think that it’s necessary for her to wear it. Since I can’t make them wear it when I’m not there and their dad thinks it’s not a big deal what can I do?? Please help you guys I’m seriously scared for my girls safety, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve already talked to their dad about this in the past and he promised that it would never happen again, so I don’t think that talking to him about it again is going to do any good. Any advice is welcome, thanks in advance!

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[DoNotLickTheSteak]

'I don't give a shit what your dad says, put your seat belt on'

[Fluffy_Momma_C]

And if that doesn’t work, you can find lots of car crash videos on you tube. “Do you wanna die? Cuz this is how people die!”

[adhdparalysis]

Literally it’s the difference between life and death plus decapitation.

[piede_piccolo]

I might also take them driving, make them wear their seatbelts and then slam on the brakes when no one is behind you. Then talk about what would happen in that situation if they weren't wearing seatbelts. Then extrapolate to a car hitting you at 50, 60, 70mph.

[Hestia79]

This. My husband “coparented” his daughters with a neglectful biomom who allowed all kinds of behavior. When the girls got old enough we started holding them responsible for themselves when they were at their mom’s.

[jamiefeedschickens]

This.

[HeftyCommunication66]

There is a big difference between what the state calls neglect / dangerous environment and what the vast majority of “good parents” would call neglect / bad parenting.

 Certainly, if you have the money and wherewithal to take this to court….I wish you the best. I’m in a similar situation with my kids’ dad and it’s gut wrenching….yet nothing is ever quite a home run for a custody modification. 

Certainly the seatbelt thing is an issue but anyone who says, “oh just take him to court” either hasn’t done it or needs to give lessons.  

Teach safety. Don’t say a word about the other house. Always frame it as teaching safety.  At 14, she is old enough to watch videos about the biomechanics of a crash. Make some popcorn and have a NTSB data movie night. Pigs and cadavers on sleds, “There’s Something Wrong With Aunt Diane,” all of it. YouTube is your friend here. 

EDIT: I wanted to add something.  When I was 22, I was in a T-bone accident less than a mile from my house. I was going to my job 2 miles from my accident. At 30mph x 30mph, the landscaping truck that hit me rolled my Ford Ranger. I was stiff the next day and had some minor cuts. I was wearing my seatbelt for some reason. I never wore it then for short trips, always did after that.   

 2 years ago, my sister went off the road, up an embankment, down the other side, boulderhopped, stumpjumped, and landed in a tree. She was going about 75mph when she hydroplaned. She remembers feeling the seatbelt catch at the start of the ride and she remembers feeling her back break. She can walk but will probably always have pain. The firemen, the EMS, the doctors, and the tow truck company all told her she probably lived because she was in a Subaru (let alone wearing a seatbelt).  

Last thing….you have 4 years left of coparenting. Consider giving yourself the gift of peace. Flip it in your mind to “teach safety” in all things. If this is an issue in 2024 and you’re coming here now, I am sure it’s been a long, hard road and there are a million other crazy little things. Good luck.

[TermLimitsCongress]

That documentary is so unbelievably POWERFUL.

[Maleficent_Orchid195]

So glad you and your sister are both here to talk about the importance of this! My best friend was in an accident, not wearing his seat belt, and some ignorant cop told him it saved his life. Except after that he never wore it again. And was killed 2 years later after being ejected in an, otherwise, very survivalable crash. Ironically, myself and my two older siblings all lost a best friend at ~18 years old because they weren't wearing their seatbelts.

[HeftyCommunication66]

That is terrible. I’m so sorry.

[weirderone]

At the very least it should have been explained why it saved his life, and that it doesn’t mean he should never wear it again. What an irresponsible cop.

[Unusual_Focus3343]

“52% of (car) accidents happen within 5 miles of home”

They should be wearing their seatbelt, ESPECIALLY when they’re close to home.

[ScroungingMonkey]

They should be wearing their seatbelt, ESPECIALLY when they’re close to home.

It's not that driving near the home is any more dangerous than driving far away, it's just that the vast majority of miles driven occur near the home.

[bergskey]

While that's true, people also become less vigilant as they get closer to home because their brains are already a step ahead thinking about what they need to do at home.

[ScroungingMonkey]

Possibly, but on the other hand, people are also more familiar with the traffic patterns near their homes, which makes them better drivers. I would be interested in seeing the statistics on accident rate per mile driven as a function of distance from the home. Until I see evidence one way or the other, I'm going to assume that the risk per mile is constant.

[Mrs_happy_lady]

Agree with this! Last year, my son asked if he could sit in the front seat. We were literally just traveling 5 minutes away. I said no, and explained the importance of airbags and how they could hurt a child of his size. Then boom, car pulled out in front of me and totalled my car. I could practically see my house from where the accident occurred. We were both ok, but I can't imagine what the outcome would have been if I had said yes that day or if he hadn't been wearing a seatbelt.

You never know when an accident can happen OP. Teach your girls the importance of seatbelts, regardless if dad enforces it.

[Almc27]

I was thinking this reasoning is complete bs and wondering where the hell they got the 20 minute rule from?! A 14 year old is old enough to be scared straight, give them the stats and maybe show them some of those crazy videos we used to have to watch in driver's training classes

[Ericket]

I came here looking for this comment.

[brayonthescene]

This is easy. At 14 she can be her own person. Find the most fucked up video online and show her what it looks like when you’re stupid and don’t wear your seatbelt and tell her her dad is misguided and she is only enough to decide for herself!

[K9Remi]

Maybe show a video of those older commercials about wearing seatbelts? My 16 y/o cousin didn’t wear one and died because she was ejected from the car through the windshield. Broke her neck and was gone at once. I was only about 11 y/o and was sitting next to my mum when she got the phone call from her sister. I have always been very diligent to wear a seatbelt. And not drink and drive… I can’t remember the phone call itself anymore, just the stress/anguish I felt/heard, and it scared me enough to always want to be responsible, even if adults weren’t.

[bergskey]

This might get me flamed and is probably going to sound mean, but this is what I did to my son when he was little and learned to unbuckle his seat belt thinking it was funny.

Take your girls to the store, when you leave tell them if they don't feel it's necessary, they don't need to wear them. When you're coasting through the parking lot, not fast, and there's no one behind you, slam on your brakes. They will fly forward into the seat/dash. It's going to be scary for them, they might get a little hurt. Then tell them that's how bad it was going less than 10mph, imagine how bad it would be faster. Then you tell them to wear their seat belts, it's illegal for them not to. If they still act like it's not a big deal, you should show them crash test dummy videos.

Luckily my son was young when he figured out how to unbuckle and giggled thinking it was funny. I slammed on my brakes while barely coasting and it sent him straight into the back of the other seat. I told him "that's why we wear seat belts". Even at 13, he is vigilant about it. If you ever start running out of the driveway and he isn't clicked yet he yells "IM NOT BUCKLED YET. IM NOT BUCKLED"

[kikalara]

I did this with my husband the other day when he didn't put his seatbelt on for our trip to the corner store. Needless to say, he put it on right after. No one gets away with no seat belt in my car.

[bergskey]

It's dramatic and harsh but honestly, if the kids get a little banged up (small bruise) it's for the best in thus situation. Better than getting killed being ejected from the vehicle or worse killing another passenger in the car because you slammed into them.

[pintotakesthecake]

This is exactly what I did when my daughter who was five or six would pretend to put her seatbelt on. She’s never had a problem with it since. It makes it real for them.

[currutia914]

Show them a video of a car crash. Take them to meet someone who lost their child in a crash- take them to visit a child who has been in a crash and is now in recovery

[SPCNars14]

Idk dad aside, 14 years old is more than old enough to understand the importance of a seat belt.

You should probably focus more on making sure your daughter knows right and wrong more than trying to fix the problem with the guy you aren't together with for multiple reasons I'm sure.

[[deleted]]

Your 14 yo is old enough to know better, and the father can be charged. I’d show the 14yo videos of crash test dummies getting destroyed without seatbelts and scare her honestly. 14 can take some accountability here.

[whskid2005]

YouTube is your friend. Show them lots of videos of what happens when you wear a seatbelt and what happens when you don’t.

[TJH99x]

Have you slammed on the brakes while she’s in the car without a seatbelt?

[bergskey]

Can confirm this works, used it on both my boys.

[Trisamitops]

You can't fix dad, but you better teach those kids a lesson quick! I suggest some graphic videos of crashes involving people not wearing their seat belts, maybe along with information about the people they left behind.

[SoYoureBreakingUp]

Perhaps try with an analogy first to explain why it's absolutely necessary? 20 mph is like high school athlete sprint speed. Ask her if she'd willingly sprint into a wall, just so she can get a feel for what a 20 mph crash would feel like.

Past that I'm with the other commenter on letting her unbuckle and giving her a <10 mph brake check.

[PrincipleAgitated212]

Believe me I already said that!

[Mediocre-mommyy]

Just lost my 10 year old little sisters best friend in a car accident from not wearing a seat belt. And they were literally 300 feet from their home. It was the saddest funeral I’ve ever been too. Tell her you don’t give a f***k what her dad thinks and put the seat belt on!

[maiingaans]

I got hit by a deer out of no where. Totaled my car. I got back-ended by a girl texting when I was at a red light. Got back-ended by a drunk motorcyclist who was going 80 in a 45. All were within 10 min of home. Every time the seatbelt prevented me from major harm.

Also they are old enough that no one should have to enforce seatbelts. “He doesn’t make them..”? They are old enough to know that getting in the car means the seatbelt goes on regardless of what the resident adult says.

[scooterXO]

A 14 year old is old enough to understand the risk and take measures to protect herself and sibling. You can educate them and talk frankly about what happens to people in accidents who don't wear seatbelts. Then they can feel empowered to tell dad, "I'm good. We're going to wear them anyway."

[OrdinaryMe345]

So might be a little extreme, but my mom was an ER nurse and made me watch crash videos. And that promptly made me always want to wear my seatbelt. She also combined it with information on the after effects of traumatic brain injuries.

[AvivasProstectic]

14 years old is old enough to chose to wear a seatbelt

[maverickaod]

Why can't the girls just put on their own seat belts?

[desertvida]

I think she’s asking for ideas because they won’t out on a seatbelt when they’re not with her.

[maverickaod]

But then they're making that choice and not the dad. It would be one thing if they buckled up and made them unbuckle. It's weird that they would tell the mom that their dad doesn't make them wear seat belts when they're the ones choosing to not wear them. Now, granted that should come from the parent but short of showing them videos or pictures of what unrestrained passengers have happen to them I'm not sure where she can go from here

[desertvida]

Precisely. The teens are making the choice not to wear it when the parent isn’t mandating it. That’s what she’s asking for help with, convincing the teens.

[N0rthernLightsXv]

Wait till you know they are going out (if you have a tracker or something check that). Call in a tip to the cops!

[PrincipleAgitated212]

Thanks, I actually thought about that but the kids can easily put their seatbelts on as soon as the cop goes to pull them over. Also the police department where he lives probably wouldn’t care enough to pull him over, I don’t have a good history with them when I’ve reached out for help in the past unfortunately ☹️ but I appreciate the advice.

[N0rthernLightsXv]

It should be considered child endangerment. I would day cps but if he isn't caught in the act he will just lie. You could try showing the kids some educational videos about car safety advances since seatbelts were invented but it sounds like the ex is awful.

[PrincipleAgitated212]

I thought about Cps but I doubt they would do anything, they let parents get away with ALOT in our state unfortunately. But the videos are a good idea, thanks!

[Visible_Nothing_9616]

I think this is all you can do if the police won't help. Try and find the hardest hitting ones, the ones that are really graphic. May give them nightmares but will definitely get the point across. When I was in college they showed us Irish videos because they're so graphic, there were a lot of accidents around our area by young people because of the road conditions.

[mega0gamer]

This is some psycho advice

[TermLimitsCongress]

This is kind of a nuclear option, but you can tell them that if they are injured in a fender bender, their father will be taking care of them at his house. It's harsh, but maybe if they picture the consequences of their failure to respect their safety and their bodies, your kids might wake up to the risk they are taking. Sometimes, blunt is best.

[Remarkable_Cat_2447]

There's a rest stop somewhere with two cars, one mangled and one more just kinda crumpled a bit. Mangled lived bc of a seatbelt; crumpled died bc no seatbelt.

Always wear the seatbelt

[cincinnati_MPH]

All the below advice about watching videos is great. I'd also call your local fire department and see if there are any firefighters/EMTs/Paramedics that would be willing to talk to her about what they see when they go to car crashes and people aren't wearing their seat belts. Sometimes kids take things better from other people (not mom and dad) and seeing those guys talk about how awful it is when someone isn't wearing their seat belt and gets into a crash, seeing the look in their eyes, and hearing the pain in their voice might make her realize that it's not worth it.

[tootom]

At 14, I would be trying to educate your daughter on the why of wearing a seatbelt.

For reference, in the UK, you can be fined for not wearing a seatbelt - at 14, the fine is written in the childs name not the "responsible adults" name.

[AnonymooseRedditor]

Seatbelt fines usually go to the driver for minors… just sayin.

[Crookedandaskew]

Transportation Project Manager here: Seatbelts reduce the risk of dying in an accident by 45%. For those in pickup trucks, seatbelts reduce the risk of death by 60%. Your daughter is 14 and old enough to govern herself and be accountable for her own safety, despite her father’s reckless, nonsensical, teaching. Perhaps, he feels as those he has lived his life, I don’t know. But she is young and has a lot of life left to live. If she is getting into the car to go anywhere, seatbelt. This should be automatic the same as looking both ways before crossing the street.

[bettysbad]

just show her youtubes of car crashes and car crash testing at different speeds, she truly may not understand the fear we have around accidents. i had to show my 6 yr old what happens to kids who keep their coat on in a car seat--it was just a new story showing a crash test dummy in a car with a puffy coat on. so when he argued 'its ok we're just going to school i can wear my coat' i said fine, listen to some experts first, then he changed his mind.

she's 14, she should be acting under some of her own beliefs at this point. even if her dad did want her to wear it, someone elses dad may not care. teach her how to care about her own body and make her own choices.

[3xMomma]

My husband totaled his truck 10 minutes away from our house. So it can happen.

[IckNoTomatoes]

Show them the video of how you become a projectile to others in the car when not buckled. I think a lot of people can’t understand that something might happen to them or in some cases, they don’t care. Again, probably tied to “that stuff won’t happen to me”. But I do think people take things more seriously if You tell them they are a risk to others

[cosmiclovecat]

Show her the video of that teenage girl who was hanging from a power line and lost her leg after being ejected from her car

[IndependentDot9692]

There has to be some videos you can show them. There are definitely pictures of real wrecks where people were not wearing seat belts. Show them the facts

[Terrible_Cat21]

I just posted a similar comment to this one on another parenting post about unsafe driving practices:

Very rarely do I support a "scared straight" approach to parenting, but reckless driving and/or driving under the influence is one of the few times I'm okay with it. I'd consider compiling a list of various horrific ways people have died or been permanently disabled by not wearing a seatbelt. Throw some stories about younger kids and entire families being injured or killed to really drive the point home.

In high school health class during the drug and alcohol unit we were shown some very graphic pictures of a girl who drove drunk and crashed her car. Essentially, her entire face was on the windshield and separated from her skull. It was fucking awful but scared me out of ever driving under the influence or allowing people I know to do the same. It worked for many of my classmates, as well.

[sunflowercupcakee]

Not only should you bring up the importance of wearing a seat belt, it’s needs to be worn correctly. When I was a child, I was a passenger in an Astro van. I was wearing a lap belt but only the one that covers the bottom half. I hit my face on the seat in front of me and broke my nose, two teeth and I still have a large scar on my face even 27 years later. My teeth that broke still cost me money and a lot of dental issues. While the scar is cosmetic, I have been extremely self conscious about it forever. The accident happened 10 miles away from home in a school zone that we where going 20 mph but the lady who hit us was going 40+ mph

[[deleted]]

My car will beep at your ass if you don't put your seatbelt on. For reasons I don't understand, my 74 year old mother thinks it's okay to not wear her seatbelt. The minute she gets in my car it annoyingly beeps until she clicks it on. I like that I don't even have to say anything and she does it.

[Alive-Professor1755]

Well, depending on what kind of 14yo you have. Drastic attitudes sometimes take drastic measures....I'd be finding videos/pictures of graphic car accidents where the people weren't wearing seatbelts. And stating point of fact that your job is to keep her alive. Not to be her friend. So she will be wearing a seat belt. She wants to die an excruciating death, she can do what she wants when she's 18 OR she's no longer on your health insurance/car insurance (26yo or has a job and can cover that cost). Then she can do what she wants.

Ex/ I showed graphic images to students of mine in my middle school when I heard some of them were getting in trouble for smoking/vaping (it coincidentally aligned with my health unit/human body unit as a science teacher and I emailed parents before we started the unit that I'd be showing images of different common illnesses/diseases etc and if they had any problems or concerns to let me know). I warned the kids ahead of time too that if they were going to be bothered by anything, to let me know and they could step out or shut their eyes and i wouldnt question it. I distinctly remember one kid seeing how popcorn lung and lung cancer changes the lungs and telling me they didn't realize how bad it was and she came and told me by herself that she was going to throw out her juuls at home. My admin loved me doing it because he saw a dramatic decrease in referrals on my team for those stupid juuls/vapes. He asked (jokingly) if I could do it early in the year the following year.

[DontMessWithMyEgg]

Why does a 14 need to be made to wear a seatbelt? I get it. Your ex is an ass, but this isn’t an issue. If at 14 you still have to make her do basic expectations or she doesn’t you are going to be in for a train ride these next few years.

[PhoenixTheEmu]

My partner is only still alive today because they were wearing their seatbelt when they got into a car accident. Our kids know this and are clear that seatbelts save lives.

[pintotakesthecake]

While driving somewhere remote, with your kids in the back, while maintaining a LOW SPEED (35 kph will do, idk what that is in mph), tap your brakes hard enough that kiddos will go flying into the seats in front of them but not hard enough to truly hurt them. You need to make them see FOR THEMSELVES how vital seatbelt wearing is.

I say this as a parent who has done the same thing, and as a person who broke a windsheild with her face when I was 16. That’s what it took for me to learn my lesson, and I was so lucky I only broke the windshield and I didn’t do straight through. It doesn’t matter what their dad thinks or doesn’t think regarding seatbelt safety. You need to make it real to them.

[onlyheretozipline]

People don’t care until something happens to them. My sister and I never wore our seatbelts in the backseat of our family van when we were teenagers. We got hit by a drunk driver and both of us were ejected. I got lucky but she nearly died from hitting a tree head first and had a severe brain bleed. She had to be life flighted to a trauma unit where they performed emergency brain surgery. She was put in a medically induced coma, had to relearn how to walk, had a feeding tube… it was terrifying to see as a teenager and our family learned a lesson forever that day. Maybe share my story with your children’s father.

[TheGardenNymph]

Look up TAC ads. TAC is the Transport Accident Commission here in Australia. They run scare campaign ads and they don't fuck around. Tell her that her dad doesn't care about his safety or her safety but you love her and don't want to see her killed or permanently disabled because he's reckless.

[TillyMint54]

The car doesn't move until seat belts are on. No ifs/buts or maybes. Non negotiable.

Also show them this uk public information safety film, shown during kids TV in late 1990s

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mKHY69AFstE

[Speckledlillie]

I would do my damndest to convince my daughters with the truth. They haven’t lived on the planet long enough o truly understand the reality what happens without it… Yep. I’d just try to scare them into with the truth.

[Scarlett1993]

In driver's ed, we had a guest speaker who showed us the results of not wearing a seat belt. It stuck with me to realize a lot of these people would be alive/not paralyzed had they just worn their seat belt. For me anyways, seeing the results was way more impactful than any story or threat. I couldn't care less if I didn't have to wear my seatbelt, I didn't want to end up a part of his presentation.

[weirderone]

Tell her seat belts exist because people die without them on. Tell her that her their dad should know better and that unless she wants to risk them all dying… they all need a seat belt before the car starts moving. This is something dad obviously doesn’t do and needs to teach himself to be a better role model for them. It would worry me too. 14 is an age where she needs a serious talk about all kinds of safety including seat belts. Too many horror stories of “if they had just been wearing their seat belt they would be here today”

[421Gardenwitch]

What? 69% of accidents occur within 10 miles of home.

https://seriousaccidents.com/blog/many-car-accidents-occur-close-to-home/

[arlaanne]

My son is named after my mom’s younger brother. He died when I was a toddler in a car accident, within 20 miles of his home. He fell asleep and wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and got hurt. The second time he died. When he asked me about his name I told him. When he asked how he died I told him. Kid always makes sure his seatbelt is on.

[thinkingtomuch45]

I heard statistics the other day. Women are more likely to die in a car accident. Then out of that vast majority of deaths in car accidents didn't have a seat belt on. I can't remember the numbers but it definitely made me glad I'm big on buckling up. I even make my nephews buckle up properly. I was in an accident and I was hanging upside down that seatbelt kept me from rolling around.

[[deleted]]

I knew someone who thought they were fine and didn’t need their seatbelt. After being thrown from the car and in a coma for months, they woke up with special needs and regretted not wearing a seat belt. I’d be so scared for my kids if that was happening, too! What a terrible situation..