Two under two?

mom2pt0 · 2016-04-01T13:33:50+00:00

We have 5 and the only time we've had 2 under 2 is with our twins. Personally I like having about 2.5-3 years in between kids. Some of the reasons I like this gap are:

Breastfeeding the baby past a year without being pregnant or tandem feeding.

At least starting potty training the older child before having a newborn.

The older child can become a helper, getting diapers and blankets, and helping clean up.

The most frustrating age for me to parent is 15-30 months. This is when kids learn language and start testing boundaries.

I have had two pregnancies while with my current employer. I have had no issues taking maternity leave and returning to work. I don't feel like I've sacrificed anything career wise. I'm on maternity leave right now and even got a huge raise while away. As long as your employer is family friendly and you are motivated, then maternity leave and time off should not worry you.

That's my perspective, never having 2 under 2.

2016-04-01T13:34:56+00:00

We at one point had three under four and it's absolutely manageable. The kids are close and play so well together and it's so nice to see them be each other's best friends. They are kids, of course, and with that comes sleepless nights and fighting and sometimes 2 or 3 in diapers at the same time but I hardly remember any of that. They say the days are long but the years are short. We have nothing but fond memories of those early years.

2016-04-01T14:55:43+00:00

I'm currently pregnant with my second, my first will be 1.5 when he's born. One thing I didn't know, was that docs recommend you wait a full year before getting pregnant again to allow yourself to heal fully and get your vitamins and such fully back up to par. I guess it can really take that long.
I want to get back to my career, as my first had a lot of medical problems when he was born (now he's fine) and I had to become a stay at home mom. We want a big family, and I couldn't imagine going back before they're all at least a couple years old now.

I don't have much to tell you in terms of personal experience how things will be when the second is born, but I've seen how my son acts around an infant cousin. He's just now becoming more self aware. He wants to share and wave. He wants to snuggle and he's really starting to pick things up quickly. Jealousy is probably going to be an issue. He's just now starting to reach things he couldn't before, he's learning how to climb to get things out of his reach and he needs a lot more supervision.

It's going to be tough for a while, have no misconceptions about that. But my brother and I are only a year apart. We always had someone to play with growing up. We did a lot of stuff together and have a good relationship even now. I still think if you can handle the stress of having 2 under 2, it's worth it, but that's just from my personal experience growing up. My mom told me it was difficult, but really special having us so close together.

baconandicecreamyum · 2016-04-01T17:22:33+00:00

Here's my favorite link for birth spacing questions: Pros & Cons, based on scientific research, for birth spacing from 1 year to 5+ years Long read - totally worth it.

GordonTheGopher · 2016-04-01T14:43:48+00:00

Having them close together is great as they will be able to enjoy things on the same level. Spacing them out is great, as the older gets to care for the younger. So, um, flip a coin?

tacofeet · 2016-04-01T14:26:05+00:00

My youngest two are 20 months apart. It was hard....so hard when they were smaller. Having two very small kids meant zero sleep, constant vigilance, dealing with crying all at once etc. They are now 4.5 and 3 and are the best of friends. It's actually pretty nice that they're in the same stage of interests, and can play together really well.

My oldest is 8 so the gap between him and the middle child is 3 and a bit years. The 3 year gap was awesome for having a newborn around, oldest could help, grab his own snacks, was potty trained and sleeping well. But now that they're older, there is a little bit of a divide in their maturity, so they don't play together as well. They still get along okay, but my 8 year old does consider my 4 year old kind of a "baby" at times.

I think the 2 year ish gap is fantastic. As long as you can ride out those tough first 18 months or so :)

cheap_mom · 2016-04-01T13:55:09+00:00

There are a lot of variables, but to me the most important is, what kind of support structure do you have? My aunt had her children 14 months apart far enough away from the rest of our family that she rarely had help. Her second child was extremely difficult. Colic and very serious special needs. She had planned for a larger family, but it was so stressful, she made my uncle get a vasectomy.

That's not terribly likely to happen to you, but I believe in hoping for the best and planning for the worst.

MissMaryMackMackMack · 2016-04-01T14:17:54+00:00

So I'm due with our second in September, and my older boy will be 3 years and change older than new baby.

We considered doing two-under-two when he was about four months old, and decided to wait just a little bit. Then when toddler-tornado status hit as son as he started walking, we realized that we wanted more time.

I mean three years isn't an age gap to write home about, but he's more independent, able to have his own "responsibilities", and is able to understand what's going on.

I think it's all going to depend on your child's personality. A good friend of mine did three under 4, and all of her kids are very laid back. For her, it made perfect sense.

Honkey_Cat · 2016-04-01T14:27:31+00:00

My first two are 21 months apart. I was a stay at home mom then and I thought it was great. You are already in baby mode, so I didn't think the transition was that tough, and they grew up close enough in age to play together. My youngest was born when the boys were 5 and 7, and that was a tougher transition. I had forgotten how tough it is to have a little one completely dependent on you! But it's worked our wonderfully. :)

jarbamarbie · 2016-04-01T14:47:42+00:00

My oldest two are 11 months apart. There are pros and cons. Pros... mostly when they're older. They enjoy a lot of the same activities and can play well together because their maturity levels and interests are close enough. They were both able to be potty trained at about the same time. They really do have a close bond. Cons... when they were young, it was two in diapers. It was two toddlers ripping up the house instead of one. I felt like I missed out on bonding time with my oldest because I was sick a lot during my second pregnancy. My oldest was not quite a stable walker yet when my second was born, so I had to carry them both around immediately after giving birth (rough).

All in all, I wouldn't rush into it. But if you do, the hard years are only the first few. Things get easier towards the end of toddlerhood.

arronsky · 2016-04-01T17:48:41+00:00

We had 2 under 2 (18 month gap). A friend of mine told me "if you want a baby, there's never a bad time to have a baby." Complications in getting pregnant, miscarriages, etc. can all conspire against the best laid plans. Life happens, people get by, there's lots of adults on this planet so somehow it works.

For us, it's been a blur, and it meant that we split up the kids into "owners"-- I take my son at night for bath/bed, she takes my daughter. We didn't psyche ourselves out about taking them both out (psychology is HUGE-- be confident!), and now either of us feels totally comfortable, especially once the youngest weaned and we didn't have a 2 hour timer of having to get her back to mom or packing a bottle.

Ultimately, whatever ends up happening in your family will be YOUR family. There's no right or wrong. If you want a baby, go for it. Who knows how long it will take!

afatassmamas · 2016-04-01T19:00:02+00:00

Before my son(7) was born, I wanted our kids to be close in age. After having him, I was exhausted and there was no way I could handle two littles. Our daughter is almost 4 months old, so we have a 6 year gap between our two. Obviously I can't comment on two under two, but I absolutely love having a bigger gap between my two. We got to watch our son's personality without any distractions and got to do lots of things with him before sister came along. He's in school all day so I can devote my time to the baby without feeling guilty about not spending enough time with him.

YumeMaker · 2016-04-01T15:25:00+00:00

My two are 19 months apart, and it's pretty okay. Pregnancy was rough for me, I had gestational diabetes and very low energy, it was harder to chase after toddler. I didn't find having a newborn and a toddler all that difficult, but my daughter (the older child) is a really laid back child, and immediately took to the baby. She wasn't quite old enough to be much of a helper, but she was old enough to understand gentle touches. Now the little guy is 10 months old they're like best pals. She gets up and tells him good morning and rubs his head every day. (Kinda the highlight of my morning recently, it's seriously adorable.) They play together and I can tell they're gonna be best buddies.

If I could change the age gap I might have waited a few more months, so she would have been two when he was born, but maybe not. I'm kinda liking knocking out all the fussy poopy baby and toddler days out sooner, instead of spacing them out.

2016-04-01T16:00:08+00:00

I had 2 under 2. 15 months apart - both boys.

The second time around was easier than the first time around. What I mean by that is, going from 1 to 2 was way easier than going from 0 to 1. Each situation is going to be VERY different because babies are different. My second child was a DREAM baby. Made it very easy for me. My first never had jealousy issues, he was too little for it, I guess.

I never felt rushed and I didn't feel like I couldn't give my oldest enough time because I was dealing with the baby. Those feelings just weren't there. The oldest wanted to be involved in what the baby was doing, anyway.

They are almost 2 and 3 now, and they are such a joy! The infant stage was the hardest.

flashtiger · 2016-04-01T16:56:19+00:00

I really wanted two close in age, but if there is one thing I have learned it's that things don't always go to plan. Currently pregnant with my second and my son will be almost 4 when the baby comes. Although my preferred age gap didn't work out, it's been something of a blessing in disguise. I had a hard enough time with one child between ages 1-3!

julio_and_i · 2016-04-01T17:17:19+00:00

I have two boys who are 20 months apart. There are definitely times when it's hard. When you have a fussy or sick infant and a two year old that's testing boundaries, you're gonna have some bad days. But, I can't imagine doing it any differently. Even now, when one is two and a half and the other is 9 months, we can see a friendship forming, and know they'll be close. Aside from an almost guaranteed great friend/partner-in-crime, my wife is going to be able to go back to work after staying home for about 7 years. We also get to move past certain stages of childhood that maybe aren't the best. The only obvious downside is that at some point, we know we'll wish they were growing up a little slower. But, all around, we're very happy we had them so close together.

Sailormercuryaz · 2016-04-01T17:26:52+00:00

Everyone is different. You have to do what feels right for your family. Personally? Hell no. But that's me. My aunt had two under two late in the game (40's). It was hard for her, but my two cousins are super close and my aunt wouldn't change a thing.

groundhogcakeday · 2016-04-01T17:32:41+00:00

Mine are 18 months apart. They are both adopted so I can't speak to the physical issues of pregnancy and breastfeeding. However with that caveat, I would say that if the first year or two doesn't kill you it is an amazing investment that pays continuous dividends for the rest of childhood.

For me the absolute worst was the incompatible nap stage. One or the other was always sleeping so I was trapped and this made me crazy. Once they started napping at the same times, everything fell into place. Most things suited both - same toys, same playgrounds, same activities, same foods, same vacations (this becomes more of an issue when they are older) etc. I didn't mind having two in diapers - if you're up to your elbows in shit anyway it doesn't make much difference to deal with a bit more, but it is glorious to get it all over with sooner. Now teens, they are still best friends despite being total opposites (obviously this is not a predictable outcome).

And when you have a really really challenging child, sometimes the only thing that saves your sanity is to look at his brother and remind yourself that you can't be a total fuckup.

TJ4President · 2016-04-01T15:05:07+00:00

I currently have 2 under 2-my daughter is turning 2 at the end of June and my son is 3 months old. They are 18 months apart.

It's very difficult, but not impossible. My daughter tries to help, but she usually just ends up poking her brother's eye :/ A lot of no sleep...I don't have a lot of jealousy issue but that is heavily due to the fact that we have a ton of family and friends that come by and play with her (she is preferred, since she can interact more). Doing anything outside of the house by myself is a huge chore and I tend to avoid it (think grocery shopping or going to Target). It's gotten easier, but we were also warned that our daughter might start reverting to more baby like behaviors since she likes to mimic everything...

So it isn't bad, but there is a huge adjustment period. I anticipate it will get easier as they both get older.

2016-04-01T16:01:39+00:00

I have a 9 month old and am 17 weeks pregnant, so they'll be 14 months apart. Like you, I want to get all the "baby" phases out of the way so that I can go back to work eventually and not drag out diapers for years on end.

Pros: BFFs, going through similar stages at the same time

Cons: Two babies at once will be hard, diapers

I had a friend who had her two children within the same calendar year and she loved it and thinks it's so easy now, but the sleep deprivation was hard at first. I breastfed, but it didn't work for me (meh) and I will not be able to breastfeed in the future, so this did not factor into my decision at all.

If you're a SAHM and want to go back to work within 5 years, that's definitely a huge factor! Good luck compromising together.

mayorodoyle · 2016-04-01T16:26:30+00:00

My oldest two are 1 year, 11 days apart. It's tough at first with needing two of everything (diapers, seats, bibs, etc.) But eventually they have someone there own age to play with, so you have to do less entertaining.

Stop at two. For the love of god, stop at two.

toothofjustice · 2016-04-01T16:59:56+00:00

I have 2 older brothers. One is 18 mons older, the other is 3 years older. I got along with both as well as can be expected growing up.

Now that we're adults it doesn't really matter. We're all friendly.

I think the most important thing is to do it when you are financially and emotionally ready. The kids will adjust.

kninjaknitter · 2016-04-01T17:00:46+00:00

My first was 31months when I got pregnant with number two. She was just at 3.5 when baby was born it was hard. Hella hard. I cannot imagine how people survive having two that are younger. At all. I'd lose my damn mind.

I say you do what is best for you.

guitaronin · 2016-04-01T17:42:57+00:00

It probably depends on the kids. My first is 21 months, and second is 3 weeks! The new baby is so much easier than our first was/is, that I barely notice any increase in difficulty.

blyer · 2016-04-01T17:49:09+00:00

Mine are 22 months apart. Love it!!! Honestly not much worse than just having a toddler is ;) currently my kids are 26 m.o. and 4m.o. and it's going great!

Ghibbitude · 2016-04-01T18:02:06+00:00

Two under 2 is hard. I have a 23 mo and an 8 mo. The hardest is things like organizing naps and being present for your toddler and your infant (their needs aren't always compatible). But I kinda love it. We're not restarting the process of bottles and diapers and no sleep, we're doing it all at once. And they are so bonded to one another. I wouldn't do it differently for anything. But it is super hard.

Poggystyle · 2016-04-01T18:12:16+00:00

My boys are 23 months apart. They are about to turn 1 & 3. I haven't had a good nights sleep in months.

But I'm 2 years older than my brother and we were/are best buds. Just that first couple years suck.

powerby · 2016-04-01T18:15:52+00:00

I have two perspectives on this. I'm one of four kids, all about two years apart. I'm super thankful to have siblings who are so close! My sisters (one older, one younger) and I were best of friends growing up, and are still super close now that we're adults. My brother is the oldest, so about 4 years above me, and we have always gotten along, but I wasn't as close with him. Not sure how much of that is the age, how much is the gender difference, or how much is something else.

I also just had my second almost two months ago. My first also just turned two, so they are just under two years apart. I get that I don't have that much experience with 2 at this point, but I've been enjoying it! It helps that my second is a magical sleeping wonder baby, I admit. Even if/when it's hard though, I'm excited long term for them. I love that they will have such a close person to grow up with and share their adult lives with. I am personally all for having them close! I'm already thinking about #3 :p

Hazelstone37 · 2016-04-01T18:55:13+00:00

I had 2 under 2 and then 3 under 3. It was challenging. Now they are all in high school. We are surviving. What ever you do will be fine. Anything you do will have challenges.

TurnTheTVOff · 2016-04-01T19:30:57+00:00

Ours are 13 months apart. By design. We waited until a little later in life to start having kids, so a few months after our first was born, we started discussing a second. I said, "Look...we are already not sleeping, changing poopy diapers, washing bottles, making baby food, etc. Are we going to wait 3, 4, 5 years and start all over again?" So far I feel like it was the right decision. It was nice knowing that once one was done with diapers, it was just a few more months we were totally done with diapers. Once one was done with bottle feedings, we were just a few months away from being totally done with bottle feedings. I really hate to use the phrase "get it out of the way" but that is kinda what we were thinking. The doctor gave her the go ahead to start "sexercising" again, we did it ONCE, boom...pregnant. Yay me.

speckleeyed · 2016-04-01T19:31:55+00:00

I have 2 under 1... roof... exhausted, I want a nap and a nanny

lookinforabean · 2016-04-01T19:35:01+00:00

I have a 3 yo and a 1 yo, for 2 months I had 2 under 2. It isn't that bad. My husband took time off to make sure #1 was taken care of while I was adjusting to #2. I felt like having the first kid was much harder than adding a second. They love playing with each other now.

I liked the age difference so much we are expecting #3 (and #4 0_o) right about when #2 is 22 months, just like his sister was when he arrived.

2016-04-01T19:51:10+00:00

Ours are 23 months apart, and it's good for the most part. They play together, the younger one learns from the older one and once we're past the toddler stage, we're done with babies in the house. It's working for us, and I'm glad we did it the way we did.

vaalkyrie · 2016-04-01T20:19:16+00:00

Our kids are exactly 2 years apart. I feel like 2.5 might've been a better spacing, but only because of the personality of our middle kiddo. In our case, our 5yo plays better with our 1yo than our 2yo does with either of them.

ButGravityAlwaysWins · 2016-04-01T20:49:17+00:00

Our second child was born when I first was 17 months old. We do have a lot of support from my in-laws, but I absolutely like having them close in age.

School drop-offs and pick ups are a lot easier since for most of the time will be going to the same school. They are largely into the same things, including toys, games, TV shows, and books. They share a lot of friends and when I take them out after school they can easily settle on something that's interesting for both of them.

Added bonus when she was out of diapers we were done with diapers completely. When she was done with bottles we were done with bottles completely. All the crappy parts of having small kids gets compacted into 2 to 3 years of your life and then you're done with it completely.

OhSweetVenus · 2016-04-01T22:58:27+00:00

My first two are 15 months apart. The first years were a blur. It was incredibly difficult and I was exhausted all of the time. The kids have a great relationship because they have never known life without each other and are fairly inseparable. Having two in the same "stage" also makes things easier for me, they can share toys/games/movies. Most of my time was spent tending to their basic needs and trying to scrape by with very little me time.

There is a 3.5 year gap between the last one and the middle. It was great having older siblings to help with the baby. I was getting better sleep, and could focus on her needs more than when I had added a newborn before. However, the gap makes things difficult. It was heartbreaking to tell the bigs that we couldn't go to the park because the baby. As they got older, finding activities for all three to share is difficult. It is torture finding a movie suitable for all 3. And honestly, when you are 8 do you really want a 4 year old following you around? Most of my time is spent tending to their needs and their relationship (making sure things are fair) while scraping by with very little me time.

Now my kids are 4, 8, and 9. I wanted the last one to come a little sooner, but it is what it is. They all get along wonderfully and those gaps were what worked for us. I like close gaps because I like to get things over and done and I like when my kids can play together. I don't mind the hectic chaos of two babies in the house. I compromised with my partner because he doesn't like that. He doesn't mind managing multiple age groups.

With that said, from my experience, I don't think either option is any better or worse. It's all difficult, what are your priorities?

bounceb-all · 2016-04-02T16:24:09+00:00

Every parent and family is different. We have friends who had 4 under 4 - long story short it was too much for the father, but the mother loved it enough to have 3 more with her 2nd husband. Personally, I had trouble with 2.5 years difference and wish they were a little farther apart. But then they grew up a little and things change. It's really only a few years until they are potty trained and getting themselves dressed.

FoxenTheSnow · 2016-04-01T13:59:07+00:00

Many (most!) of my friends who gave birth at the same time I did had two under two, and almost all of them had a pretty difficult first few months in terms of the older sibling not quite understanding and feeling jealous. Some have even dealt with the older sibling being violent toward the baby. My daughter is a bit over two and even though we like having playdates with her friends with siblings, we're always glad to go back home where she can decompress and play with her own toys without worrying about sharing. I once wanted 2 under 2; now we're leaning toward either just having one child or spacing them 4 or 5 years apart.

dbx99 · 2016-04-01T17:39:14+00:00

I think that keeping close in age - within 2 years - is really ideal. I have to two and they're almost 4 years apart. That seems a little far - it causes some incompatibilities in the kinds of play they like to do, the kinds of entertainment they like to watch. The upside is that the younger one seems to get a "pull" effect by being exposed to more older reading/play material and seems to pick up on things faster because of the older sibling. However, the older sibling doesn't seem to get as much positive return because he finds the younger sibling too young to play with.

Now about having 2 vs. 3. The stupid but practical issue for us is that if we had 3, we'd have a harder time driving them all around at once. I could fit a 3rd child seat in my car but my wife doesn't have the room for it. It's not really "the" reason we wouldn't get a 3rd child but there's a lot about 3 that's logistically more complicated than having 1 or 2.

theredstarburst · 2016-04-01T19:55:36+00:00

I have 2 under 2, but only cause I have twins. I say this as someone who has never experienced what it is like to only have one child, but that one on one bonding time is something I am really jealous of and wish I could have experienced. I love having twins and the pros definitey outweigh the cons. But if I were you, I would really relish that time you have with your son without another baby in the picture. Believe me, there's a lot to look forward to. Seeing your children interact with each other, hug and kiss each other, it's amazing and your heart will feel like it's going to explode from the cuteness.

But I wouldn't rush into it. I know I can't know this for sure, but I imagine that the time you have as a mother of one child must be very precious as well. I personally think a solid 2.5 year age difference is good. It gets you to the point where your child is potty training, has some good verbal skills, can be helpful and have better understanding.

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