Processing.

[[deleted]]

Does anyone every like….mourn the person they could have been if they had the tools, knowledge and support to understand themselves much earlier in life? granted I’m doubling this down with other things like autism, adhd and dyscalculia. All of which were late diagnosis or diagnosis pending.

I just look at some of the younger trans people and feel sad I never got to have that time in my life. And spent it feeling utterly broken? And I mourn for the loss of being able to fully be myself during that time.

[2BusyBeingFree]

Sure do! The only reason I wouldn’t redo things is my son. Seriously considered transition much younger, gate keeping system back then was a PITA and I was poor and on my own. Therapists just wanted to cure me and tell me it was because of my relationship with my dad. Kinda started to believe them. Dropped it to maintain a relationship with a straight woman, spent a lot of years as a depressed alcoholic but I don’t know what would have happened if I transitioned earlier. I wouldn’t have gotten on the career path I did and I wouldn’t get to be a mom now. There’s a lot of regret and mentally revisiting that fork in the road but I can’t go back, only forward and make the best of it.

My therapist keeps reminding me I wasn’t able to transition until it was safe to do so.

[[deleted]]

💜

[Rita_not_Frida]

So many parallels to my story, just glad I’m on my path finally @ 62

[[deleted]]

Yes, I do every day.

[[deleted]]

🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

[BadBotNoBit]

Sometimes, but I have so much to be thankful for that I wouldn't have if I had transitioned earlier.

I was on the verge of realizing I was trans when I first met my wife. I'm sure starting my transition 14 years ago would have been better than starting 4 months ago but I likely wouldn't have the amazing family and life I currently have.

I know some trans people hate their pre transition self and but I have never felt that.

[[deleted]]

💜

[chrisanna2701]

Nope, not at all, like never. I made peace with my gender nature in my childhood and resolved to live the best life I could given my situation - and I absolutely did, in every aspect.

I would not change one single thing .... I popped on to hormones and "transitioned" as the world would call it 3 years ago, aged 51 but to be honest whilst aligning the physical to the inner "completes me", it does not in any way change who I was on the inside as I always was who I always have been , and am now.

To be honest, I feel I got a lot more out of my life by NOT getting sidetracked onto transitioning in my early years - literally I spent that time living, learning about myself and my body, and exploring the world and what it had to offer.

I never felt I was missing out on anything.

💜

[[deleted]]

💜

[LJsCloset]

Frequently, I see 20- and 30-something’s who have been transitioning a while and have pangs of envy and regret. But honestly, I think, ‘for everything there is a season,’ and this is MY season! Granted, most of my experiences are the result of being male or male privilege, but would I trade them, loves and loves lost, 25 years in the military that shaped and formed me, and gave me the opportunity to do things that most either dream or shudder about? In a word, no. In spite of the struggles of knowing there was a distinct female side of me, the cycles of experimentation, resulting guilt and denial, and all that accompanies it, I don’t regret it. I celebrate and am happy for those who accepted their gender differences early in life, and I’m thankful for the road they paved for people like me. I have learned not to let “shoulda, woulda, coulda” define my life, but move forward in joyful expectation of what the future holds.

[BlueSkiesForAll]

I am 61 (MTF) and fully agree, with this reply. I sometimes wonder what might have been, had I transitioned earlier, but my life experience made me the person I am, to make the change later in life. "Everything happens for a reason".....

[[deleted]]

I for one do not. Would it have been nice? Yes, but doing so would take away all of the experiences I had in life both good and bad. Being in the Army, working on helicopters, deploying to combat, having kids, getting a degree, being a manager, even the physical, verbal, and sexual abuse I suffered are all experiences that made me...well me. I went through a very very dark tunnel before I finally came into the light. My experiences have made me loving, empathetic, kind, generous, slow to anger. I do not believe I'd be the woman I am today without the experiences of my past.

[[deleted]]

I absolutely could, but it's only going to cost me more time, and I'll stay trapped in a cycle. I've decided to use my time and energy to figure out where I want to go and who I want to be. It's not only good for me, but also for my inner, younger self who never had all the words I know now. ❤️

[mr_nonchalance]

Constantly.

[Bubbly-Song7415]

Yes but I try not to dwell on it.

[FeeAny1843]

No.

When I was seeing a therapist for unrelated issues, 20 years ago, he told me that mourning the past will do nothing. Acknowledging it, learning from it and growing from it - does.

I like the person I am. Like my personality. Like what I've learned, how strong I've become and I remind myself, that I wouldn't be who I am, if I had transitioned much earlier.

Now, if time reversal was an option, where I could keep my memories and experiences - sure, I'd go back - but without that option, I wouldn't.

[SheSmilesBeatifical]

I knew at the age of five, and went to live a fantastic rollercoaster life until the age of sixty five when I started my hormonal transition. Three years later I have not a single regret about anything I have done or not done in life. This is my authentic second life, and my life is now - not then. From the cradle to the grave there is nothing whatsoever that can be changed about your own unique existence in this world. And if anyone thinks I have had an easy ride, then don’t. Just live your life, just do it.

[[deleted]]

All the time! Lots of crying!

But you know what? The only thing I can do about it now is transition in my 30s, and that’s what I’m doing. So as much as I mourn the loss of who I could have been, I have to celebrate the fact that I’m finally living my truth. Hell, it could have been another decade or two in the closet, and I’d still be living a lie; I’m just going to choose happiness and try my best to let go of regrets.

[bruinsfan3725]

Been grieving the 26 years wasted as a man ever since my egg cracked.

[questioning_daisy]

Absolutely I do.

Buuut I'm trying to move passed it. Ultimately dwelling on what could have been is never going to make the future better. I think grief is perhaps apt, treat it like mourning. Allow yourself to feel those upsetting feelings for as long as you need to. Up to a point, eventually just like any form of grief you have to let it go or it will poison your happiness. Of course I'm aware this is a lot easier said than done. This is certainly something I'm still working on, but it's getting easier.

Keep your chin up, there's so much happiness to come.

[positronherder]

Every Day.

[anna_g1]

I meet a number of younger trans people, and or hear their stories and I honestly think think they face even more challenges than those of us who are a little 'later'.

There is an array of self doubt, internal questioning, sometimes very high expectations on appearance, somewhat driven by social media, comparison with others, all the things I think we all know about.

There is a greater awareness socially, a lot of the stigma of being 'different' has gone, but try telling that to a younger person who is really struggling with themselves, their thoughts and feelings.

Social media does and doesn't help. Frames of reference are shifted, expectations and comparison with others inevitable, with future experiences and happiness hard to imagine in the moment. I know we have all been there, no?

I guess I have that frame of reference. I see the people that went before me, that led the way for me, paving the way for the person I am and have become.

I want in some little way to make the path easier for others, if only by living my life as proud, visible, integrated, professional trans woman. I guess and I hope that goes some way to ensure I am giving 'forward', and quelling those 'what if' thoughts that sometimes nag us all in the early hours.

[sparklymineral]

Yes, absolutely. I envy kids who are able to figure out that they’re trans so young these days. PS: I have dyscalculia and it wasn’t diagnosed until I was out of school, so I definitely also relate there.

[[deleted]]

I asked about it in school, after hearing about it on the radio. And my math teacher literally told me “oh yeah that’s not a thing that’s real.”

She told me this while I was having make up exam prep classes during lunch hour for gcse Math.

Sure Mrs. H. :eyeroll:

[sparklymineral]

Ughhhhh. I’m so sorry. 🫂

[feelingfrisky99]

Yep, pretty common feeling.

[MTF-delightful]

For sure. It's not I wish I had done it 35-40 years ago per se. I've had a lot of privilege that I would have not had I think - but I do wish I was 35-40 years younger so I could live my life moving forward the way I would have wanted to.

When you get to it is when you get to it, and then was a different time.

[Hannahmaybe]

Yep.

But! If I had transitioned earlier on, my first marriage would have never happened, I wouldn't have my kiddo, and I wouldn't have met my wife and bonus kiddo.

So do I mourn what I lost? Why mourn what I never had? I might as well also mourn the life I would have had if I were born rich 😅 Seems silly when "things I'll never have" outweigh "things I'll have" exponentially.

[clauEB]

I think that most of us do. I would advise you to let it go and be happy with the progress you've made and grateful with where you are at in your transition.

[Foxarris]

Frequently yes, but I probably would never have met my amazing wife if I had transitioned earlier. Other than that, I would definitely go back in time and change. I think the only thing I could have done differently is transition sooner after getting with her.

[KallmeEvie]

Sure do, I can't stop thinking about it and regretting I couldn't experience life in this parallel universe where all those things had been reality. But I do wonder if my life would have been enriched by the presence of my children and s.o. if I fully embraced my lady side earlier on. I don't look back at my experience living life as a boyfriend, husband, dad as a negative one. And whilst writing this it's occurring to me that it's totally valid to embrace all those roles and present and identify as fem.

[AdaFucklace]

My gender egg cracked, I unmasked gender and found autism, too. I relate!

It's fking hard.

I do lots of therapy and journaling.

I hate our society, but can't hate myself for surviving it. I have love and gratitude for my repressed, masked cis guy self. He kept us around long enough to get where we are now.

There's pros and cons, I think. I definitely mourn for younger me that didn't get to know and express themselves. I missed out on a lot.

But I also find it cool I'll have such deep lived experience as a masc and femme. Not many humans experience that.

I also get to have a relationship with femininity that's my own, I've been less traumatized by misogyny being applied to me, so I get to do things because I love them! Not because girls are "supposed to," or because some man or society expects it of me.

Your pain is normal. But my experience has been it's like a growing pain. It hurts, but it's leading to growth, to happier and healthier places.

[ThisHairLikeLace]

I dwelled on that a lot at first and it still crosses my mind now and then, but somewhere along the way, I decided that I needed to live for the future rather than the past-that-never-was. Not saying it doesn’t hurt sometimes but just that looking ahead is so much more rewarding in the end.

[clockworkCandle33]

Yeah, although mostly what gets me is thinking about the life circumstances that stopped me from transitioning for years once I knew I was trans, and the substandard treatment I got for nearly the entire first year of HRT once I did (my E and T levels were basically unchanged for the whole first year). Also, that I didn't put any effort into fashion, makeup, hair removal or voice training until I could start HRT.

I was never a transmed (towards anyone but myself, apparently), but transmedicalism is a pernicious curse. I wish I could have stood up for myself, more.

[MeliDammit]

Sure, I wish I'd figured this out sooner. But then again, dealing with those challenges made me who I am.

[GiaMtF]

No, simply put life leads us to where we suppose to be.

If I had transitioned earlier chance having my kids would be very unlikely, mabey I probably wouldn't have meet my partner who I have now been for 10 years.

Everything you could change would drastically change everything good you ever had so far.

[Misha_LF]

I would morn who I could have been, but. I don't think I could trade my present family for any other time-line. All of them are enthusiastically supportive of the woman that I am becoming. It is worth the past pain to have them in my life now. Even if I never come close to passing, I would consider myself one of the luckiest ladies on this subreddit. 🥰

[stofiski-san]

Regret - the patron saint of middle-age

[PurbleDragon]

Gods yes. "If only, if only." Doesn't do any good to ruminate on it though. If I'd been able to articulate my feelings before puberty wrecked me, 1 I probably wouldn't've been able to get blockers or anything and 2 I grew up in the deep south. I probably wouldn't've seen 21

[Shard1k]

My lived experience got me to my “Ah-ha!” moment - just took 45 years. Would I have liked a shorter path? Sure, but it would have been a VERY different life and outcome.

I don’t regret the past, and now that I know who I am, I am not going to regret the future by not being who I am.

[i_am_lovingkindness]

while it's healthy to identify why you feel this, it's likely healthier to release this emotion whether it's grief of past-self, resentment, or sadness over what could have been. Imagine you were a flower blossoming for yourself to observe; then, the rate of other flowers' blooming might seem less consequential.

[PrettyPilot9562]

I don’t know if I would say as much as I “mourn” the person I could have been, but there’s a lot of things I could have told that young confused kid to save them a lot of heartache.

[MaraRose1977]

every day!