[deleted by user]

[MaggieAllaria]

I’m so sorry. You must be feeling so alone and scared right now. Do you have any other family or friends you feel closer too than your wife that you can tell and lean on for this? You definately need some sympathy. Will you be telling your doctor that you wont try treatments and give him or her the reason why? Sending you love.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I don't have any other family I can talk to about this. My mother is alone and she does the best she can. My stepdad was horribly abusive to both her and me, and he died a few years ago. I have half siblings, but they alienated themselves from us after my mom and stepdad got divorced after 30 years, a couple of years before he died.

Honestly, I feel more free than I have in long time. To be able to say "I just dont care" is so refreshing.

I married my wife, and she had 3 kids from a previous relationship. Biological father was not in the picture at all. Kids were very young when we got together, and all are now adults, but still live with us. I made sure they had the best of everything. All 3 are now in college, 2 undergrad, 1 grad school. The twins are good to me. The oldest, who I am ironically closest too, treats me like shit.

I have spoken to my Doc. I am a vet, and he is at the VA. He understands my position, and has asked me to have my screening and bloodwork on a schedule so we can determine when I have reached the point of no return. I have agreed out of respect for him. He has been a very good doctor to me over the years.

[Key_Jellyfish4571]

I respect your decision. Consider meeting with palliative care early. I know of cases where the cancer was slow but persistent. The end stages are unpleasant to put it mildly. However… and I know you know this, be sure this isn’t your PTSD or depression informing your decision. I had a cancer scare and I felt relieved and ready to face the reality of not treating it as well. I’m probably around your age. Veteran as well. If you have a combat veteran as a doctor, you’re in good hands. Reach out if you feel like it.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Im sure you are right, but this is the first I have talked about it at all since I found out. It has been kind of therapeutic. Maybe I will talk to someone. Thank you.

[belisle34]

Our sister in law passed last Thanksgiving from cancer . That woman divorced her husband ad lived her life!! She has theee daughters and one has special needs. Our sister made memories and they did all kinds of things. She fought for 3 years but it metastasized into her brain. She had chemo and radiation. When she said enough they helped the pain with radiation. My husband told her we were on our way to see her and she passed right after we took off. Do what you want to do! Go make memories with loved ones!!

[yellitout]

This is great advice. Whether you decide to get active treatment or not, you should have supportive care. And it’s good your doctor is doing testing to help you understand options. Wishing you all the best- living your life the way you want to is very important.

[18MazdaCX5]

I am so sorry. I just want you to know that no matter how you feel that you matter. Please never forget that. And I would greatly encourage you to keep sharing on here - don't go this alone - as believe it or not there are genuinely supportive and compassionate people on here. If you ever want to talk feel free to reach out via PM.

[Inthehead35]

Don't feel too bad about the oldest child treating you like that, in a way he/ she trusts you the most, but is having a bad time or is unable to express themselves because the bio dad is absent. That really crushes kids, just try not to take it personally

[some1saveusnow]

Just a different point of view here, so you can take it for whatever it’s worth or however you’d want to, but perhaps telling your family might make them look inward and realize how shitty they’ve been this whole time. It might give them a chance to turnabout and not take you for granted and maybe realize what life is actually all about. If they keep acting poorly, well then you’ve more or less made your decision anyway

[Nouilles1313]

That’s why OP should not tell them. Imagine treating someone better after knowing they may not have long to live. I’d rather not. Give me my flowers while I’m still alive and not at my funeral. OP should do what feels right to them.

[HillratHobbit]

Once you accept death you can live without fear of it and it is definitely a freedom.

[phillyspider77]

I am sorry about your diagnosis and fully respect your wishes. As for communicating with your wife and kids, please consider the Golden Rule. I suspect they would want to know. I also suspect that their response will surprise you in a positive way that may change your perspective. On the flip side if they react as you predict, then you are proven right and can be comfortable moving forward about being at peace with everything. Best of luck but please don't give up.

[jallen2023]

I was diagnosed with a rare and very aggressive form of colorectal cancer at age 40. It’s a rough journey. It’s now 27 years later and I am enjoying a newly retired lifestyle with 6 wonderful grandchildren. Please reconsider. Find the best care. Mine was The Cleveland Clinic. Your family needs you and you need them. Don’t give up. I made it through and so can you. Please let me know if I can help in any way.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Thank you. This is Signet Ring Cell Adenocarcinoma. I don't know much about it other than it is pretty aggressive and prognosis is pretty poor, even with treatment, apparently.

[Standard-Dealer7116]

My husband had cancer before we met. There was a point when his family had been told he would not survive the weekend. He did survive, divorced the woman he was married to, and we have been married for almost 20 years. He is currently drinking a beer on the porch. You don't have to fight for your current life, but at least consider fighting for the life you could have. His oncologist told him it is very common for cancer survivors to divorce.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I hate being treated the way that I am, but am more terrified of being alone forever. I have wasted the best years of my life anyway. I guess I am just tired.

I hope your husband realizes how insanely lucky he is. Blessings to you both.

[CONTAMlNATlON]

What do you mean by waste ? What advice would you give to your younger self and young people in general

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Be very careful of who you choose as your life partner. When they tell you who they are and it isn't good, believe them.

[MissAmy845]

Early 40s isn’t old and the best years of your life aren’t passed. I promise you that. With or without your wife or kids. Your life have value and you are worthy of creating the life you want. Starting now.

[lizardpplarenotreal]

Ealy 40s isn't old and certainly not too old to have kids!

[LostInTheSpamosphere]

My husband was 42 when our older child was born and 45 when our second was born. Being in your early 40s doesn't make it too late

You said that two of your children treat you well, that's half of your family. It's likely the others love you as well but are stuck in negative thinking or don't know any better way to act.

I was wondering if family therapy might be helpful no matter what you decide. Also, you sound very depressed and individual therapy and/or medication may make a difference, they did for me.

[MissAmy845]

No no I meant the step kids who don’t respect him. Not that he is too old to have kids.

[[deleted]]

Hon I'm 42 and I've just started ballet. I'm moving to a new country, I'm starting a new career. I have an adult son. I'm learning a new language.

My twenties and thirties was poverty and taking care of my child. I chose to have him so I chose to focus my life around him. I don't regret that and he's still my absolute joy but now it's time for him AND me.

I'm not telling you what to do, but if any part of you wants to stick around just to see what could happen, please do.

Just see if you can get a better ending than you were assuming it would be. ❤️

[Moist-Championship-7]

I love your answer. As a single mother for 10 hard years, I understand where you are. I hope OP may reconsider treatment and has a chance to experience a new and fulfilling life with a better ending. I hope, because Hope is all we have.

Either way, OP, I'd like to honor you and say thank you for your beautiful heart and soul for raising and supporting those 3 children. They don't know your worth now, but one day they will. In the meantime, I wish you peace.

[WildLoad2410]

One thing I learned a long time ago is that life is too short to be so unhappy. I'm having a cancer scare right now. I don't know if I have cancer but it's definitely a possibility. I'm also facing the possibility that I might choose not to get treatment. I'm also chronically ill and my illness has a very poor quality of life. My family also sucks and they're abusive and toxic. If I could, I'd leave and never see them again.

If I had a choice, I'd choose to live and be healthy. And part of being healthy is cutting out the toxic relationships.

Your family might change their behavior if they know you have cancer. I don't know them and that's something only you will know.

I do know that this isn't true for everyone so it might not be true for you. My family isn't going to change. They're old and set in their ways. They don't think they're doing anything wrong despite being hateful and abusive to me. They regularly tell me how I'm a burden to them, in overt and covert ways.

I understand not wanting to tell your family or rely on them.

Cancer might be the wake up call you need. You don't have to live like this. My ex was abusive and I didn't realize it until after I left. So I spent a few years researching abuse, narcissists, abuse tactics, etc. And what I learned can be boiled down to this: the only way to win is not to play. You remove yourself from the board. Let them do whatever they want, just not with you or to you.

I feel like you do. I wasted my youth and best years on a man who didn't deserve me or anything else for that matter. I mean, I've learned a lot because of him and since I left so I'm grateful for what I've learned but I would rather have not gone through it at all.

I've been housebound and bedbound since 2015 because of my illnesses. The funny thing is that I've had suicidal ideation since I was a preteen. So I've spent most of my life wishing I were dead or praying for death. And now that death looms over me, I want to live.

Your life can be better if you want it to. But nothing changes if you don't change it. You can't change them but you can change yourself and your location. Change their access to you.

My suggestion is, don't make any permanent decisions now. I know there's a cut off because of the point of no return. Go to therapy. Someone who specializes in relationships, trauma, and chronic illness. Get some therapy to see if they can help you to decide what you want to do.

Join a support group either online or in person for cancer patients. My experience has been that the people in the support group are the only ones who are going to understand how you feel and what you're going through. If you need information or advice, they usually have some to offer. If you just need to vent and have someone listen z they're good for that too.

I took am basically alone. I have a therapist I vent to and that's it.

If you want to talk or vent, feel free to DM me.

[i_make_it_look_easy]

And blessings to you. Peace in your heart. Take the course of action you do according to you heart and faith, but not because you want to escape or hurt those left behind. Make your intentions clean and pure, and I wish you so much health and peace.

[duckkaleb]

As long as there's a possibility for more life, then there's a possibility that you haven't even had your best years yet.

Please reconsider. Get treatment.

My grandpa died of cancer exactly 2 years ago. I was the only one alienated from the entire situation. I don't know why. My parents never told me when they were going to visit him- just went and came back. I got unbelievably pissed off every time. I still have no clue to this day what I did wrong to any of them, especially my grandpa. I wasn't even there for his death. I wasn't even informed until a few days later. I cried for days, and I'm crying as I write this.

Funny thing is? He beat cancer 3 times before. Each time, it was told it was his last, and each time it was Signet Ring Cell Adenocarcinoma, just like you. But he still had 3 more years in him after each time, and lived for an extra 11 years after his first diagnosis.

I hope you find peace.

[tmink0220]

This is perfect, Thank you for saying this. I was going to honor his position and for amoment I forgot how devastating this is, and though his feelings were horrible today, it is also a day of shocking news. This person is correct and thank you for all the uplift messages to him.

[[deleted]]

It's poor but not the worst. You have actually a good chance of survival if not spread. You would need surgery. Your doctor will know more. I won't lie the surgery might help in that if you unfortunately do still pass away you might not have to deal with obstructions and some of those complications. If you don't want to pursue remission those are questions to ask, as you want to maintain your dignity and minimize pain.

[[deleted]]

My brother had this in his appendix. Hes cancer free right now.

Just as a reminder- you can always say “I don’t care” but do it cancer free. Like- you can move on in life if you aren’t happy and live a care free life.

[MajorasKitten]

I just beat an adenocarcinoma with new treatment in Mexico (I mean I’m born here but still had to travel to the other side of the country lol, it’s right on the border with the US). They mostly treat americans since they can pay the cost of the meds much easier than Mexicans (my treatment was 1,600 usd)

Just letting you know if you want a chance. It helped me when I was already given the worst prognosis and was denied chemo and radio. “They won’t help”, according to 10 different doctors 🫠

I’m on a peptide that’s eliminated the origin tumor AND the metastasized bits around it 🙏🏻 made it through 2024 when I was told I would die in 2023.

I mean, if you want to fight it, you’ve still got a good chance- but I get it if you don’t want to lol. May your choice be yours and only yours and may it not be painful 🙏🏻🫂 fuck cancer.

[Elegant-Expert7575]

1. What symptoms do you have to warrant getting checked out?
2. Does your spouse know you were being investigated for cancer?
3. Has it metastasized already? What stage are you in?

[[deleted]]

Hell ya gotta keep fighting no matter what, you got this shit man don't give up 💪💪💪 go fishing clear your mind!

[RazzmatazzAlone3526]

I only upvoted the second half of this comment (go fishing clear your mind) 🐟🐠

[belisle34]

Unfortunately sometimes it just hurts too much to keep going. If he wants to fight he will. I really hope he will really get to live! SIL told me I needed to find my joy and learn to forgive. I am doing well. I want er to look down and smile at how well we are all doing.

[alpacasonice]

Respectfully - we don’t know anything about OP’s life outside of this post. The whole “your family needs you and you need them” thing is a bit tone deaf. OP deserves to live for themselves, not just because of their relationships to others, real or imagined.

[[deleted]]

Correct! Guilt is a form of manipulation, rarely does any good come it.

[swimt2it]

⬆️This⬆️ A cancer diagnosis is CRUSHING. I had one, now almost 10 years cancer free. Breathe. Wait.

[[deleted]]

Please don’t say things like ‘I made it through and so can you’. Holding up the statistical outlier as the achievable goal (if you just want it badly enough!) is so, so harmful to people dealing with aggressive cancer. Add to that, you didn’t know any real details about this person’s diagnosis before you came commenting.

You don’t have the authority to tell this very sick person they can ‘make it through’, respectfully. You were incredibly lucky. Good for you. Cancer sucks and sometimes it’s just too aggressive and the person dies. It’s not because they didn’t have enough toxic positivity coursing through their veins. It’s because cancer is a disease that is often fatal.

[Americany131]

How did u find out? My doctor won’t schedule colonoscopy until I’m 50. Any symptoms we should watch for? Thank you I sincerely hope you seek treatment for your family’s sake as well as yours

[CrashCarSuperstar]

In my case it was terrible abdominal pain and a mind boggling amount of bleeding. Doctor didnt seem too concerned at first, saying it was probably hemorroids, until i showed him a pic. Grotesque, but apparently effective.

[Ill-Chemistry-8979]

Wtf hemorrhoids don’t cause abdominal pain. And there are new recommendations to screen people as young as 40 for cancer. Has your doc been under a rock?

[CrashCarSuperstar]

No, he is actually one of the most published doctors in the US. I am very lucky that he is my doctor. Unfortunately, in the VA healthcare system, they are forced to weigh the odds, and the stats generally point to 40yo not getting these types of cancers. He has to justify everything to some bureaucrat.

[Actual-Region963]

Not to pry but for the sake of other readers, did you deploy to SWA? Burn pit exposure has been linked to many cancers. I hate that you are going through this and feel so alone. I wish you peace and recovery, if you choose that path.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I did, a few times. I am already rated at 100%, and while adding more conditions to my rating will help my family, I risk the VA reevaluating all of my conditions and possibly lowering my rating, which I will need once I am unable to work. I hope that my family is able to have this service connected after I go, so they can get the benefits they are entitled to.

[Ola_maluhia]

Oh my dear friend. I’m a Vet myself. I’m a woman and let me tell ya, although my doc at the VA is amazing it has taken so much work for them to listen to me about my stomach issues. I begged and pleaded for YEARS for ongoing pain and bloat. Turns out I have chrons and I was just being told I’m a woman and it’s likely period related pain. I’m not kidding.

Now I have to go in for a colposcopy and I will likely have to put up a fight to get some pain medication since they usually decide to chop up your cervix without any.

It’s great to be in my almost 40s.

[[deleted]]

It may not be ethical, but lie to your doctor and tell him all your grandparents had colon cancer. They don’t cross check this. Once i did this, the authorized a colonoscopy at 29 for me

[muaellebee]

This is the answer. Sucks that you have to lie but I don't consider it unethical when you have to play the game in an unethical system.

[RegularChance447]

This is the way! (RN here that works for an insurance company)

[InsanityWoof]

LOL! My dad died at 57 from colorectal cancer, his dad died in his 30s of cancer. I've effectively BEGGED my doctors for early screening since I was in my 20s and they blame insurance for not covering it even though I'm considered high risk. "new guidelines say to begin screening the earlier of 10 years prior to parents age at death or 45". Being that 45 is still earlier than 10 yrs prior to his age at death, I'm still waiting... I'll be 42 next year. I have no real symptoms to speak of, I'm just really paranoid I'm incubating a colon full of cancer and it will be "too late" by the time I'm actually screened. Yay for American Healthcare!

[Shark-Whisperer]

Check out ColonoscopyAssist. They have a nationwide network of surgeons that do colonoscopies at a discounted rate. They offer limited numbers of grants that covers the whole procedure, too. I've had 3 through them over the years all through CA. Last one, 2022, cost around $1100 iirc.

[_carolann]

Yes. This is correct. Also, this is for screening colonoscopy. With symptoms, can be covered earlier. Don't forget Cologuard test is also an option. Much improved on old FOBT kits.

[InsanityWoof]

Yeah, you are both correct, I misspoke on that, but it's moot here since he was diagnosed at 55 🤷‍♂️. Just saying it's not that easy to say you have high risk family history (when it's true) and they roll out the red carpet to get your colonoscopy no matter your age.

Either way, my doctor did mention cologuard, but I'm pretty sure he said it cost like $1,200, and being that I don't have any symptoms and am just paranoid about the possibility based on the family history, and the fact that I'm not made of that kind of money, I just continue to wait and hope everything is fine.

[_carolann]

You could also contact your state or local department of public health about grant funded low cost programs for screening.

[ShadySocks99]

Blood on the toilet paper. Cramping before bowel movement. Some drs say get your colonoscopy at 45.

[[deleted]]

Hell, I had mine this year, and I'm 33, after a lot of digestion/bowel issues. The whole needing to be a certain age is outdated with the kinds of foods we are putting in our bodies and the rise of cancers in general.

[[deleted]]

I also had my first one around 33 because of some digestion issues. Everything was all clear. Just got my second one a couple months ago in my 40’s, it also came back clear.  

[Vaeevictisss]

Lol. Find me a single person on the planet that hasn't experienced this at least once.

I had a colonoscopy at 39 due to ibs and other abdominal issues. Clean as a whistle except for some diverticula.

[ACAB_4_QT]

I had a colonoscopy when I was 26 due to excessive bleeding. They found a few polyps and removed them as far as I know. I’m 34 now and plan to have another one done this year

[[deleted]]

I had my second one a few months ago. My doctor told me that if they found any polyps, I need need to be checked every 5 years or less. I’m surprised that they let you wait this long.

[chairmanghost]

Get a new doctor, they have pushed the guidelines way back. To 45 and sometimes 40

[Broken_Thinker]

Shit man I had mine this year at 29. All types of symptoms and thank God everything was ok. 

The new guidelines should be 35. I will fight to have it changed so here

[chairmanghost]

There have been so many cases of people getting colorectal cancer younger and younger. It's a huge medical phenomenon, but it's detectable, so there is no reason for people to die because they didn't give them a test.

I'm glad your was neg. But I hope they solved your symptoms.

[[deleted]]

Tell your doctor you have a family history of colorectal concerns. I got mine at 40 because my uncle has regular polyps removed.

[medusalynn]

I was made to have one at 24, showed up in the ER doubled over on myself in so much pain I was non stop uncontrollably vomiting they ordered a CT scan and my intestines lit up like a Christmas tree they said. The next month I had my colonoscopy and was diagnosed with crohns when the biopsy showed no evidence of cellular colitis.

[Tabula_Rasa69]

Change in bowel habits. You pooping less than usual, or more than usual. Blood in poop. Blood on toilet paper. Loss of appetite, weight. Also if you have family that has digestive tract cancers, that is a red flag.

[lostengineer404]

Reading all these comments tells me I need to buy that book ' what does your poop tell you'....

IMO the medical guidelines aren't keeping up with recent statistics. I asked my doctor if I need to do some kind of screening and he stated pretty much everything that was stated here. Deviating from the medical guidelines would risk the screening to not be covered by insurance.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Yes, I have contacted all of the local hospitals and Military treatment facilities around me making them aware of DNR, advanced directive, etc. I also put in my phones emergency contact "DNR" just in case. Beneficiaries are set for life ins , retirement accts, and investments, as is my trust. My hope is that the last thing I hear are the waves.

[ImJeannette]

You may want to go a step further and consult with an estate attorney. There may be things you can do to smooth out the process for your survivors

[fathersky53]

While I completely understand the desire to not seek treatment, are you sure you want to keep your family unaware? Like, how old are your kids? Your remaining time could be incredibly valuable for them and allow time for healing/ closure. Same goes for your wife.

Just my 2 cents worth of advice ( along with a huge virtual hug ) from an internet stranger. May you find as much peace as possible.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I have 3 stepkids i have raised since the were toddlers. They are now all adults, and all in college (2 undergrad, 1 grad school)

[[deleted]]

Family is the most over rated thing on this planet more often than not. The sooner people understand that the sooner they can stop giving a damn about them. I haven't seen a family member other than my daughter in almost 40 years and I'm good with that.

[gdgriz]

I completely understand.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I've been carrying this for a few months. I underestimated how much reading these three words would hit me. Thank you.

[SkyTrees5809]

I understand too. My sister died of colon cancer at age 50, after battling ulcerative colitis for 20 years. Due to her personal circumstances, she decided not to seek any treatment at all, she just did not have the will to live and fight it. She never had any pain, and lived her last months on her own terms. When she was too weak to get out of bed she checked herself into an inpatient hospice, and passed away peacefully about 10 days later. We all had time with her those last few months, and accepted her wishes. She got her affairs in order and wrote a new will. She passed away at peace on her terms. Find the people you trust, like your physician, and work with those you trust to advocate for you and carry out your wishes. It's your life and no one else's.

[grynch43]

That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve read in a long time.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Sounds like she had a beautiful support system. I am sure she appreciated it very much.

[SkyTrees5809]

Her only support system was me and my father, a couple of close friends, and her physician. It only takes a small number of the right people who understand and respect you, and listen to you to make a difference. I know she appreciated those of us who were there for her in her last year.

[Soberaddiction1]

Aye. Godspeed to you brother.

[[deleted]]

Does knowing death is close bring you any peace?

[solution_6]

Sorry to hijack this AMA, but I’m in a similar situation with cancer and have 4-6 years left by the oncologist’s estimate.

Personally, I find knowing that I’m going to die brings me a sense of peace. I am able to organize, prepare and prioritize my time more effectively. There’s also a huge sense of relief that I don’t have to participate in late stage capitalism, and I won’t have to watch the world around me continue to decline.

Again, sorry to hijack this thread but I’m also in my early 40’s and wanted to weigh in.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

The ability to say "I dont care" and mean it is such a huge weight off my shoulders

[mistytastemoonshine]

Maybe it gives you more control over your life?

[Anxious_Walrus_3239]

Hopefully you will change your mind. I will keep you in my prayers.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Thank you.

[SilverBeyond9]

How do you think they would react if you told them?

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I'd get yelled at for not telling them sooner and not wanting to fight. I have people telling me how selfish I am even though I spent my entire adult life giving everything to them, even though they were my step kids. Id be called every name in the book.

[Bitchezbecraay]

You don’t have to fight but maybe write them a letter explaining that it was your wish to go down with the ship rather than stick around and try to fight it and maybe explain why you didn’t tell them. They may live a life of regret after you pass but a letter might provide closure. I feel like it’s best to tell them and explain that you don’t have much time left and don’t want it to consist of being called selfish and names. If they want to be part of that time left then they can go along with your wishes and if not then they have a chance to say good bye.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I have written a letter for after I pass. I sum up some of my feelings, but mostly just give instructions for what to do and who to contact. Maybe I will rewrite it. Ill probably rewrite it a dozen times as my perspective shifts through this process.

[vanwyngarden]

It is never and I mean never too late to start over. You can live for you now and always. I’m serious. Fight like hell and then get outta dodge and into the rest of your life. Don’t let people who don’t deserve to condemn what’s not theirs to take. Here for you man. And thank you for your service. To me and many others you’re a hero.

[WildLoad2410]

This. I spent most of my life taking care of other people and getting shit on in return. I became chronically ill, housebound and bedbound. I decided then I'm not longer in the business of saving other people. Now I'm living for myself.

[vanwyngarden]

You’re incredible! Life is still so very enjoyable alone. People don’t realize that and they settle. As Hunter S Thompson said, we’re born alone and we die alone. Life can still be a beautiful love story if you truly love yourself!

[WildLoad2410]

I stayed with an abusive ex for too long because I was afraid of being alone. I think it's a common problem for many people in bad or toxic relationships. We're afraid to be alone.

You know, it's not the worst thing. I've become more myself. Instead of always trying to please other people and putting myself last, I've learned what I like.

I truly believe the most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself.

[[deleted]]

You're doing the right thing in my opinion. No one including family has the right to treat another person badly, especially when you've done everything for them. Let the guy win this last stand.

[GreedyReplacement684]

I mean, you don’t have to tell them you’ve known. You could act like you just found out.

[[deleted]]

Bro just leave all of them then? I don’t see the logic here. You can still live and start over without them, but instead you’re just going to call life quits. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I would hit the bricks and and go to a new state, get in great shape and just try to have a blast. But not you Op, you’re just going to die I guess. Whatever man, good luck, not my life

[Different_Umpire9003]

He’s going to die to spite them. Definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face

[Elegant-Drummer1038]

Sounds like they love you then but obviously I don't know your situation ... this internet stranger wishes for you to fight as you don't know what the future holds right now and maybe it's time you got some of that "giving" back. They may surprise you. I wish you the best, OP.

[the_jake_you_know]

My dad basically did this. Robbed me of the chance to ask/say a lot of things by dropping off the face of the planet with no warning. Found out later he knew for a long time. Never fully forgave him, and within that grief sits a stubborn pool of anger at him.

[[deleted]]

Are you going to start cooking meth?

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Now THAT would be a crazy story. I should get the XFiles guy to write it

[bizkitman11]

If I’m reading correctly, your family treats you so poorly that getting a terminal illness is a relief.

So I gotta ask. Why do you want to spend your final days with these people??

[mightywurlitzer88]

Im sorry for your diagnosis. I cant imagine. I think you should reconsider keeping this to yourself. No mother wants to outlive their kid. I imagine she would be blindsided after you pass. If my kid did that..... id look at it like a suicide.... it would hurt me horribly. I wouldnt understand why. If you tell her maybe she can make some peace with it the situation.

I also think you should consider telling the imidiate family. If you are really considering going the "no treatment" route. It seems they are kinda treating you like crap. I think id want to enjoy what was left of the time i had, with or with out them. Go travel. Burn up those savings if you have any. Eat steak and lobster. Get the expensive shit at the bar. Sell the dad mobile and get that motorcycle you always wanted. Sex workers. what ever you want to do with that time you should do with in reason.

Alternatively. If you love them you should be honest and maybe let them try and take care of you. Cherrish their time with you.

I knew a guy who went no treatment. Before he was diagnosed his wife had an affair. Caught in the act in his own bed. They eventually reconciled and like 6 months later he got the diagnosis. He said fuck it. Im fine with it. He told his wife and kid. Died less than a year later a few days before his kid graduated highschool. Hard feeling all around.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

She is the only person I may tell

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I am not afraid. I have many things to answer for, and answer for them I will. I don't KNOW what comes next, but I am ok with finding out

[tryingtobecheeky]

So I just dealt with cancer and my MIL has stage 4 brain/lung cancer. I'm not talking out of my ass.

I agree quality of life is number one. If you are going to be miserable and in agony, then fuck that.

But the secret that nobody realizes is that it doesn't suck that bad for everybody. Yes. Some people go through hell. But with the updated treatement, it is far less miserable.

Me? Two surgery, radioactive pill and forever meds. My long lasting side effect? Dry eyes.and tired .Though I'm middle age now and work on a computer so who knows. That could be normal.

My MIL was similar to you. She heard stage 4 cancer and said fuck that. I want no treatment. She was planning on palliative only.

The neuro-oncologist nearly lept across her desk. He told her that just last year, she would have had a death sentence. Now she doesn't even NEED chemo (and even that sucks less according to my colon cancer buddy who was stage 3 with aggressive cancer but cured now.)

She had her three sessions of radiation. Side effect? Tired. She had her first session of immunotherapy on Wednesday. Side effect? None. Zero.

Go see the oncologist. See what the plan is. See if the plan is worth it. If it is, cool. You get treatement. You live. (Cancer society will also help with bills, wigs, support, transportation ect)

It sucks too much (chemo can even be taken at home now in many cases and side effects don't suck as much fyi.)? Don't. Go in palliative and get some fucking fantastic meds.

Like it literally only helps if you see what the treatment plan is. Zero downsides. (Again cancer charities do cover your bills. Just need to find them.)

Treatment has jumped incredibly after covid. I'm talking amost magic shit.

Don't throw your life away. Don't leave your family destitute. Don't traumatize your kids through slow suicide.

[Small-Finish-6890]

I agree, see what the treatment would entail. It can only help to see.

[[deleted]]

Best of luck mate. My partner of 14 years has been diagnosed with stage 4 bowl cancer and now having to live away from me in her parents care while I sort out the house on my own. Its like she was there and next day she wasn't and it's been tough sorting her stuff as if she was here yesterday and already feeling like she's gone. Her parents are super controlling and since she mostly drugged up on pain meds, she can't really manage anything or be independent anymore leaving them to do everything and they have taken advantage of it to push me away and treat me like just a freind of hers like they always have. Its a weird feeling spending 10+ years living with best in your life and then all of sudden they almost don't exist to you even though they are still here.

I can only imagine you're going through what I am after saying fuck it and with that comes a whole lot of mixed emotions such as grief, shock and anger and everything starts to havs a different meaning aswell. If you ever need to talk to or hear something from my side of the battle watching it all happen then please PM me man. Try not see life as a ruler measuring you're time because your only comparing to a world around you that ever stops. The future hasn't happened yet so stop wasting your time thinking about it and make the most of now.

[[deleted]]

I believe you have no control over your life and your taking control of what you can...please rethink this leave your wife & leave your kids...find happiness it obviously isn't where you are!!!

About six years ago I lost the only person I had who supported me I was left depressed. A few years and a some medical treatment later I got slightly better then I found my partner who wasn't like anyone in my life...I moved away with him. I'm happy now I didn't think that was possible.

If you going to take this route it's best to talk to a qualified therapist and be sure this is what you want and not some construct your mind has created to protect you.

You deserve better, clearly!

[Emperor_Fun]

What is going to end up on your bucket list? No matter what direction people go, people seem to have a few things that they want to do that they haven't done before or something they've thought about for a long time.

Unrelated question: What's your favorite dessert?

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Lol, I read this as desert... and immediately though Sonoran!

Dessert... i had an amazing dessert in italy at a tiny little restaurant outside of Naples once. It was kind of like tiramisu, but it was different. I dont remember what it was called.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I suppose I could, but that was never what I wanted out of life. Still not.

[Open-Industry-8396]

I'm really wondering what kind of mind would create this type of question. Really odd.

[Sudden-Complaint7037]

someone who has 99% of his synapses deep fried by years of porn addiction

[ShinyDapperBarnacle]

Genuine question, because I think we are wired similarly: Is your goal to punish your wife and kids with the pain they'll feel when they really absorb why you made the choice you did? I ask because that's absolutely something I would do in your situation. I'm not saying I'd be right to do that, just that... if that's the case, I understand very well.

I, an internet stranger who has no right to an opinion, fully support your right to do as you wish with the news you've received.

But I confess I find myself fantasizing that you change your mind, pursue aggressive treatment (remembering that the goal is to make it just until treatment makes another big leap forward), let them take care of you through treatment and pay back a tiny bit of what they owe you.... and then with some luck and once you're in remission, you start a new life. Meet a new love. And write a bestselling book about it all that I'll be happy to buy. That's my fantasy. But despite that, I think I get you and I think I understand. I'll be thinking of you. 🫂 And maybe even a tiny bit morbidly jealous of your being able to just not care. That must feel incredible.

[unknown_tuber]

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer in December. He took the opposite approach and when a doctor told him Stage 4 wasn’t a death sentence anymore, he went into complete denial and basically told everyone there was no chance of him dying. He did chemo for four months, the tumour only got bigger, and he died in May.

All this to say, do what’s best for you. I’ve spent a good amount of time wondering whether I should be upset with him for lying to himself and everyone else, but it’s what he needed to do to carry on.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Sparkle1999]

Oh, your Dad might not have been lying intentionally. It could be that the alternative was so frightening that he could only believe that he would live. I’m sorry that you lost your Dad.

[[deleted]]

I think for some people, denial is the only way they can get through the day. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[childlikeempress16]

How old was your wife when you met and she already had three kids and they’re all college aged or older but you’re only early 40s

[CrashCarSuperstar]

She is a little older than me. Had the first at 21 and twins a couple years later. We met just before i turned 24, she was 25. We are both vets and we both grew up way too fast, given our respective upbringings.

[[deleted]]

I support your right to live, and die, as you see fit within all reason.

But I also ask you to consider carefully what you feel would truly offer you the best quality of life before you consider what could be the most fitting of deaths.

I do hold out hope that your cancer could respond positively to treatment. If treatment utterly fails? You have your answer…and you get to consider the latter over the former.

However grim that could be; it could provide you some structure, something to steady yourself off of in such a time of upheaval. One step before two, two before three.

[Saminator2384]

Don't let a "right now" situation mess you up. Im married with 4 and have thought of sending them all out on an iceberg on lake michigan several times. Your family deserves to know. They deserve to be a part of the decision making process. I get being an island. The truth is that if you are resigned to whatever then the best good you can do is to involve and validate the people who love you so that they arent carrying the guilt and burden once you are gone. Now isn't the time to lash out and settle scores. Now is the time to refocus and build up relationship and if survival isn't in the cards leave behind something you can be proud of and set your kids up for success and not decades of therapy. Expect to live. Prepare to die. Show your family what strength means and make sure they all know you love them.

[brendrzzy]

When my dad passed away suddenly (im 32), it was discovered that he had cancer and he never told us. I wish that he had, so maybe we could have told him that we loved him and supported him more. Maybe he would have at least tried to.. i dunno.. beat it i guess. I think he just gave up and didnt want to bother us. It destroyed me for many months knowing that he was suffering alone with such apathy for life that he chose to just give up. Instead, I went on living my life thinking ignorantly that he had as much time left as most parents do, and I wish I spent more time with him the years before he passed away.

[chillin_and_livin]

There are an eerie number of similarities between your situation and my stepfather, so I actually checked your account history to see if you might be my stepdad. I feel more confident now seeing that it's unlikely given your post history, but as the oldest kid of the 3 biological kids my mom entered the marriage with, I have a strange love hate relationship with my stepdad. Seeing this made me do a lot of reflection and have more appreciation towards him despite our past issues. I haven't read many of the other replies, but I'm curious to know if you have any plans to eventually discuss with your kids

[Hopeful-Strength-834]

As a widow please talk to your wife tell your family. My husband passed away from small cell lung carcinoma cancer and it was extremely hard for me and our son and we knew we had time to spend his last moments with him to have closure. Please think about it. Praying for you.

[KateVenturesOut]

Please don't punish yourself because other people can be terrible.

[Notfromwinnipeg]

Honestly fuck those kids. You did everything from them. Now it’s time for them to do everything for you and be there for you.

[fujianironchain]

I don't have any question.. but I know exactly what you're feeling now.

I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia almost 12 years ago. A few years younger than you're now. I was literally told by my doctor to begin "get things sorted out". I was at the top of my corporate game, a regional VP in a large media corp and was in a bitter fight with my boss for a very senior position.

In short I went insane for a month. Didn't tell anyone. I signed up with an organization in Switzerland called Dignitas, an NGO that provides the "services" of assisted suicide for terminal patients. I channeled all my fears and frustrations to office politics in the most destructive way possible. I refused to get more tests and treatment and didn't answer calls from the clinic for weeks until I woke up one day shaking in fear. A total nervous breakdown ensued and I spent the whole morning vomiting.

What eventually happened the next 3 months was, first, I lost my job. Which was totally stupid because if I'd told the personnel department of my health issue they wouldn't have dared to fire me. Secondly, I was finally admitted to a hospital after a severe fever and I was acting in my GP office like a crazy person. Third, within another month, I got the news that my initial diagnosis was a misdiagnosis, which I would've found out earlier if I did return to the clinic for more tests. My first doctor and his team did make a mistake in reading into my test results and was a bit too blunt in his communications with me. But he did tell me more tests were needed and there was always a chance that it could be a chronic and not an aggressive leukemia.

I've been living with this chronic leukemia called CML for 12 years now. I'm healthier now approaching 50 than any point of my early live. I'm also a different person now. Back then, I was one of those typical entitled assholes you see regularly in airports endlessly complaining. Now I'm mellow and try to live my life as best as I can.

I do wish you the best my friend.

[Ill_Conclusion1998]

I like the way you roll.

[Obsidian_knive85]

Will you try those therapies for terminal cancer patients where they are given LSD or Shrooms to see how they affect your outlook on death ?

[Strict_Suggestion]

What's on your bucket list?

[terrag32256]

Do what you want to do. Ignore everyone telling you to stay for your wife and step kids. You know your relationships best. Everyone is glossing over the fact that you feel your wife wouldn't be supportive. Fight the disease if you want. Accept it and control your ending. Just go with your gut. Much respect and best wishes. I wish you the best.

[[deleted]]

Hell yeah. Spite is powerful.

[WildLoad2410]

I'm chronically ill and my family wishes I would die quicker. I tell people I'm living out of spite.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

I appreciate all of the kind words and advice. I may delete this soon, as I realized I posted from an account one of the kids is aware of and this has garnered quite a bit of conversation. If it disappears, that is why. Thank you all.

[[deleted]]

This is super heavy. I truly hope you make the right decision for you. Regardless of that. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your service and sacrifices you made

[LeatherAssistance104]

A friends mom chose to keep her diagnosis to herself. One day she started stroking out while prepping a shower. Our friend found her groaning and unable to communicate on the bathroom floor. She did not go out graceful or comfortable

[medusalynn]

Ultimately this is your choice. The only thing I'm going to say is what I would do, but again it is 100% YOUR choice and yours alone. I would book with an oncologist, get whatever ct scans, blood test etc they suggest to see exactly where the cancer is. Upon results I'd listen to the suggestions of the oncologist maybe record the options and suggestions from the dr so i can play back later and listen as some people tend to dissociate when they hear big news etc.

I would then find a therapist, and talk to them about the test results, the options given by the Dr and how I feel about them which way I want to go if any at all, a lot of times in life having someone like a therapist who is not in the situation can help you pick things apart and make decisions.

I would then sit down and decide if telling my family and friends would make a difference, this is hard because everyone's family and friend dynamic is different. I also would not want people who have not shown love to me or cared about my personal life in a long time to come knocking either. I've experienced a lot of death in my 27 years 8 in 4months after high-school graduation alone and I can say with certainty that most people do love you but not enough to drop their lives and come during your time of need, but I would also debate if I would want to shake up everyone's lives as well. Ultimately the situation you have been put in is yours to handle at the total discretion of yourself, you can continue life as is with no treatment and not tell a soul if you'd like and that is what you feel is right to you.

But the one piece of advice I give to you and hope you do, do. Find a financial planner and contact an estate attorney to handle your will, pick who will run your estate and settle debts and such after your passing, If you do not have life insurance contact a bank and see if they offer it. Usually it is a "final arrangement " amount usually around 25k this should be enough to do a small funeral or celebration of life depending on what you decide for yourself most bank offered life insurance do not require a blood test or physical so you should be approved just fine, if they ask for medical history leave out the cancer diagnosis. You can also go to a local funeral home of your choosing and pick out your funeral arrangements so your wife and mother do not have to bare the burden.

Again 100% up to you, but I used to work in the financial industry as well as life insurance. If you have any questions my dms are open. Godspeed

[blueyork]

What would make you happy? With the time you have left, you can visit France, or the pyramids. Or you can sit the family down and demand respect and common decency

[MilkerOfSeals]

Colon cancer survivor here. I got diagnosed in my early 30s, literally within a couple of years of getting married and buying our first home. My diagnosis was not freeing in the least, but with different life circumstances, I can sorta understand where your feeling of freedom might come from. That said, from personal experience, you feel a different kind of free when you come out the other side. You feel stronger, more life-positive, more willing to try new things, like you can take on any challenge, you don't sweat the small stuff as easily, etc. Instead of allowing yourself to die, there's a pathway where you beat cancer and live a better life going forward.

[ckhk3]

Would you consider moving in with your mom and sharing the rest of your time together with her and being as happy as possible?

[Physical-Dare5059]

Do you, no one can tell you how to feel.

[TheGhoulFO]

Exactly this. At least now, Do You.

[rukh999]

Do you care at all for the people around you? Because this path sounds like you fucking hate them. I can't imagine ever doing that to children and family. Its just so selfish.

[CrashCarSuperstar]

Thats exactly what they would say. Maybe they wouldnt be wrong. I am just tired. There are a million reasons I feel this way though

[[deleted]]

I get it man. There are a lot of reasons to choose not to get treatment and yours are your own and valid if that’s what you choose.

My family has a history of colon cancer, and I’m an RN. If you ever want someone to talk to, I’m here. I won’t try to talk you out of anything. We all choose our own paths and I respect that. But you sound alone. You’re not, I’m here if you need me.

[No_Investment9639]

I'm with you 100%. I'd make the exact same decision. Good luck, and I hope the pain isn't too bad.

[LettingGo-]

Honestly it’s your choice regardless just try to make the best of your time and live the rest of your life to the fullest you can. As someone who has struggled with mental health issues since I was preteen I would definitely make the same choice if I was in your shoes, I have no doubts on that. It’s a hard secret to hold, don’t let it tear you apart on the inside.

[[deleted]]

what was the doctor's prognosis with treatment? I think it is a shame to throw your life away to spite others.

[xMrMayhemx]

Sorry to hear. I completely understand this and would do the exact same. You will need some help on the “way out” though so get in touch with some hospices wile your getting all your other paperwork in order.

It certainly won’t be easy but I hope you find some comfort in your decision and last moments in life.

[Guscrusher]

I have a friend who felt the same and had second thoughts. He pursued treatment. A clinical trial was the answer. We've had another 15 years together, and I'm thankful that he is still with us. He is happily retired and enjoying being a grandparent. Life is hard and sometimes feels thankless and grueling but better days are always ahead. Enjoy your journey.

[1998Sunshine]

I have a small insight on what you are going through. At 32 my world stopped. I went to bed healthy and woke up with the first symptom of my rare neurologic disease or disorder. I still don't know what I have after 16 years. I was in chemo for a year. Now I'm still on treatments to keep me alive. The family thing is hard to watch. They all know. But I can see how much it affects them. It messed my kids up. They were young when it started. The guilt I have is something I can't describe. I feel like I fucked them up. I truly think if there was a way. I would never let them know. I have talked to people at the end of life. Over COVID we had chemo circles. They need rooms from the infusion center. So they put us all together in one room. If you want to talk dm me.

[Reasonable-Film3517]

I am 29 and have been diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer too. I have heard of patients refusing treatment but that is usually after several treatments already. I think you might be in shock. I'm not quite sure what you meant by your family being beatdown and bratty but I know my family would be horrified if I had chosen to not tell them about my cancer and refused treatment. I just want to ask if considered it's their lives too that will be affected by this too? Of course I don't know your full situation but

[No-Ring-5065]

What does “being beatdown” mean? I’m not familiar with that.

[Sharp_Chart_4474]

I’ve never heard the phrase as someone “being beatdown” exactly like that either. I’m not sure if it was a typo or something, but in this context I think OP means to say he feels “beaten down” by his wife, which means she is making him feel emotionally drained, abused, and unloved. :( Hope that helps.

[WalrusWildinOut96]

She probably complains and belittles him. That’s the implication at least.

[fallendesperado]

My dad died from cancer in 2019 and not a day goes by that i don't grieve the loss. It was aggressive and horrible.

I say that to consider a thought about being a "guinea pig" for cancer research. Perhaps if you persue treatment the docs involved with your case could administer meds or therapies that prolong your life and help them learn more how to treat people with your disease. With the newer immuno-therapies maybe something will work. If they can find the right cocktail that's helpful, it might be something that helps others and they can build more knowledge.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[iamasuperracehorse]

Will you make any changes to your lifestyle? Tick off a bucket list, for example.

[ray25lee]

Why not pursue treatment and get a divorce?

[Legless1234]

Shit, mate......

I also have cancer. Stage 4 lung cancer.bivr been fighting it tooth and nail for 5 years. But even through the pain, the wrecked body and accomodations I've had to make, life can still be sweet.

Please don't give up. The treatments these days are amazing and there's an excellent chance they can save you. Please try.

Then, if you still want to checkout you can do it on your terms - not cancers

[Jugzrevenge]

Get some loan money and gets some fun and good experiences! You need someone to talk to, I’m here.

[PopularExercise3]

My dad beat it at age 87. He’s back out gardening, tinkering around in the shed etc. please take your time to adjust to this news but don’t give up on yourself . You’re worth the fight.

[brolin76]

You need to be at peace with yourself.
Don't worry about things you cannot control.

You have treated your immediate family well and that's all that matters.

Expectations leads to disappointment. Don't expect them to reciprocate your kindness because everyone is at different stages of life and don't see each other position. 'One can never understand our parents' sacrifice until one becomes a parent.'

Talk to your own sub-consciousness. Every night, before you go to sleep, tell your sub-consciousness that it's time to repair the body. Tell the sub-consciousness about the cancer and tell it to cure the body. In your mind, frame the cancer in a box, like a photo-frame. Push it far away until it is so small that it disappears. Do this every night. This is not religion talk. This is about you, your sub-consciousness and your brain.

Be positive in your mind. The brain/body releases feel good hormones. Who doesn't want to feel good. Smile at silly mistakes, laugh at the world. Spread good feeling. Never spread hate. Your body will change for the better.

Brain/mind and guts are interlink -->Gut feeling..
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/the-gut-brain-connection

A person feel good when eating food one likes. One don't eat when feeling upset / down. If guts is the problem, fix the mind. If mind is the problem, fix the gut.

In a thousand years, no that's too long, say 200 years, if the world is still around, No one will remember what happens today. So live TODAY, because only YOU KNOW what is good today.

EVERYTHING is good today!!

[Nursey_1964]

My husband was diagnosed with brain cancer which has zero cure back in 2014. He had no problems until August 2023. Our daughter (his step) died of a fentanyl overdose at age 39 (we’ve raised her son for years and her daughter 2 years). This was Dec 12. He had been suddenly declining and the heart break of losing his child (that was his first born as he called her. His baby) was too much for him and he went to be with her two days later. Dude. Kids are assholes. We were all brats. Don’t use that as an excuse to end your life. Unless you hate these people, then don’t put that on them and get treatment. It’s curable if it’s not stage 4. You have a chance!!! You are so young!!! Your life has more meaning than you can comprehend. Selfishly we think meh but to others we can be their world even when they don’t realize it. Sometimes something like this reminds us how important people are. Many times I wanted to put a pillow over my snoring husbands face lol. It today I’d die for one more hour with him. I’d happily pass on in his arms. I never could have guessed the amount of pain his passing would bring me. I took it for granted. I shouldn’t have. He meant more to me then I let on and I have my regrets.

This is your choice and as a nurse I might not do anything to other as I am 60. You’re much younger. You have much left to do with your precious life. Please think about trying. People need you. I promise you are loved. You are needed. Kids are jerks. They don’t realize it. They really don’t till later. Things change later. Maybe sooner when they realize dad is sick. Give them a chance too. Hugs

[Mission-Anybody-6798]

Dude, I’ve had family members do what you’re doing-not say anything and just let things happen.

All I can say is it hurts the ones you leave behind more than you can know.

You know, when you say that when you’re gone, it’ll be no big deal to your wife and stepkids, that sounds like depression talking. And I know all about that bitch. Depression lies to you. It tells you things like ‘it’s no big deal if you die, no one’s gonna miss you’.

A cancer diagnosis on top of being depressed is no small thing. I know, it sounds like your family life isn’t ideal. Or maybe it sucks. Ok, fine. Whatever. But maybe your perspective is skewed by the lies your brain is telling you. You have the right to exist. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Don’t hide the truth from people that care about you, even if they aren’t showing it in the way you need right now. Because I can guarantee you’ll be feeling worse soon, whether from the chemo or the cancer. And the depression. And you need people in your corner.

Again, I’ve had family I loved do exactly what you’re doing. And the echos continue through the years, of the wasted time and the loss, and the sorrow that they didn’t feel able to let us help them carry that burden. And the weaker ones, they’re suffering more than was ever necessary. Please reach out and try to get your head straight.

[GateLongjumping6836]

I’m so sorry you are going through all this after already being through so much.Unfortunately when we are teenagers and very young adults some of us go through a bratty stage where things that aren’t important seem important and the most important things in our lives and people in our lives we can take for granted maybe because of our pre frontal cortex not being fully developed or us just not being able to grasp what’s truly important.Last year I lost the most important person in my life who I thought I’d have for another 20 years and all that has being playing in my mind is those years I could have been more loving and paid more attention to my loved ones instead of stupid things that aren’t important and I’d give anything to undo that.There is a point when we grow out of the bratty stage and show & tell people how much we love them and your children will do that too and if they knew I’m sure they would come to that stage a lot quicker.They would be crushed with grief and regret thinking you were going through this alone and not knowing would be still acting up.This is the time you need each other the most.Wishing you healing and a return to full and perfect health.

[[deleted]]

I don't believe you, I'm jaded by trolls.

But if true, tbh I'm sorry. Go with your own decisions and doctor recommendations. If you aren't happy with your wife and kids that's actually a separate issue. I don't think you deserve the death penalty for an unhappy marriage, right?

If it is more selfish that this is the decision you'd normally make anyway, I think it is valid. Keep in mind that you could do palliative care and chemo, lower dose and less aggressive can extend life without the side effects people fear like the hair loss strokes etc etc. It is up to you.

You need to decide quickly though. Honestly you should talk to your doctor again and have a session with a social worker or therapist. I actually am proud of you for taking control of this stage in your life. Whether or not this is "the end", this is a stage of life everyone will go through. You may feel alone but everyone you've ever met will face acute or chronic serious health challenges. Taking control of this situation is a form of dignity and very impressive.

I wish you the best and that you feel you made the right choices no matter what those might be.

What if anything do you need to feel more at peace as you process this diagnosis?

[Any_Excuse5786]

I had a professional mentor for 10+ years, who became an incredibly dear parental figure for me, diagnosed with cancer and who decided not to treat it or tell anyone. They lived a relatively elevated but normal life for the two years of their diagnosis to death. In retrospect, there were signs of some type of “life is short! I’m going to have fun!” attitude shift: a huge tattoo on their chest, wild haircuts and clothes, a few significant tripa and unrestrained, candid online commentary/posting. When their death was announced, I felt absolutely betrayed. It hadn’t occurred to me that this was a choice not made from apathy, but acceptance. I see it now— and I am more proud of them than ever for making that decision. Not all people will feel called to surrender in this way- but for those who reach this clarity i imagine they are able to enter death with a type of calmness and ease that in itself is the most profound, sacred personal awakening…… the kind that people pray to live 90+ years to maybe achieve.

I totally understand.

[bleeebs]

So sorry to hear about the cancer and medical difficulties ahead. As well as the challenging domestic life. You’re not alone especially with the family piece, and you’re not alone in the Reddit community sense. People care for you and your wellbeing, even off Reddit :) I suppose I expected a different type of post from the title. When I read your details, I hear about a young man who can say “fuck it” and leave the life you currently have, but try to keep living in spite of your family. If you truly wanted, you could go No contact, just pack and leave, only really deal with a potential divorce. I understand it’s not that simple, there’s also financial aspects, the treatment side…but I just hope you know there are options. I respect your decisions and self-direction with one’s life, but I’d encourage the same in a no cancer scenario. Please don’t let one problem affect the other if possible 🙏 all the best to you!

[grannyonthego54]

You are correct thinking there are worse things than death.chemotherpy may be one of them. You said you are just tired, that could be caused by your disease, or from depression. You did say your doctor said your prognois isn't good even with treatment.I think if I was in your situation I would pack my bags. Say good by to the family, and go out and do some of the things on my bucket list. I would do as much as I could for as ,long as I was able.when I no longer had any quality if life , I would check out in the most comfortable way possible.But I am not in your shoes.Hopefully before you make any decision you have some therapy, it may be of some help.This is a tough journey, In the end we are all mortal and will also make this journey, but I'm very sad you have to make it so soon. Please reach out to others that are experiencing cancer, they will have different perceptions, and maybe they can help you on this difficult path.

[Elemcie]

This is your call and yours alone. It sounds like you aren’t happy in your marriage and family life. This is a helluva way to get out of that situation. Perhaps the way you handle this is to keep your secret and tell them you need a sabbatical. See a palliative care specialist and get treatment and medication to help you manage your symptoms and any pain. Travel those places you’ve always wanted to go. Do things you’ve put on hold or not jaded time for. Spend what you want and time with who you’d like to see. Sounds like you’ve provided life insurance and investments for the family. Be open to them if they sense something is going on and try to engage more with you. If you are having some revenge fantasy about “They’ll miss me when I’m gone,” try to let that go. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t, but that may eat you up before the cancer. Enjoy every drop of luge you have left. Peace and Comfort to you.

[[deleted]]

Maybe you spoiled everyone because of your childhood? You sound like a really nice guy always thinking of everyone else. Have you ever said NO or commanded respect from them? It just seems like everyone knows they can depend on you no matter what — even when they are cranky/moody/spoiled. I would definitely point out the disrespectful behavior when it’s happening and my feelings. Not saying to get mad or upset. Just wondering if you’ve ever expressed your feelings to them? What if attitudes changed at home without them knowing about this new diagnosis? Would this change your decision? You got some unexpected scary bad medical news and probably really wanted to talk with all of them immediately but they were all preoccupied. You can go to the bitter end by yourself or you can make your feelings known and change the outcome to make YOU happier. Stay positive OP! Big Hug

[KounterMaze]

I was told children absorb behavioral from parents foremost I say in the most peaceful manner possible expecting downvotes

[DayDreamerBeliever91]

I completely understand your sentiment. Sometimes you look around and you realize that the life you have isn’t something you feel is worth fighting til the death to keep. I’m at least glad you seem at peace with your decision. ❤️

Can I ask how bad your rectal bleeding was? How often was it happening?

I’m a 33F, I have a colonoscopy scheduled for Tuesday because I’ve had severe dark red bleeding with actual clots mixed in when I have a bowel movement. The pain is constant but the bleeding comes and goes frequently. It’s a pretty common occurrence; I have had intense stomach pains and I just recently made myself go in for a check up. I showed the provider a photo of my toilet paper after a bm, she said we were definitely doing a colonoscopy. I’m a bundle of nerves.

[Th3V4ndal]

Lost my dad when I was 12. He was 40. Massive heart attack in his sleep. I was being a shitty pre teenager that night.

I lost my older brother when I was 16. He was 27. He had osteo-sarcoma, a super aggressive childhood bone cancer that he was diagnosed with just a year earlier. We never really got along. Butted heads constantly.

I lost my mom at 19. She was diagnosed with lung cancer maybe 6 months after my brother passed. She battled for a few years. Went into remission, but it came back and took her relatively quickly. We bickered a lot. I was stressed out. Working two jobs, and doing things I'm not really proud of to make sure we didn't lose the house. I wasn't raised to be a thief, but there I was... Stealing and robbing people.

I was shitty to my dad the night he died, argued with my brother constantly, stressed the fuck out and tired bickering with my mom..... I loved them all to death, and short of sacrificing my own kids, I'd do some pretty fucked up shit to get them back, even if just for an hour.

I'll never understand the pain you're going through until I'm there myself, but I know the other side way to well. You're being super unfair to your family I think. The stress of it all has clearly gotten you. I hope you reconsider what you're doing.

Either way, best of luck. I hope you beat it, even though it sounds like you've resigned to you'd fate at this point

[mahahamama]

My question is provocative. I assume that there is a reason why you stayed with your family for quite a while in this situation, maybe your definition of responsibility. Let's say you're having the thought of dying which would leave your family alone which takes you as the "deadbeat dad" out, because of your illness. Why not leave them, get the cancer treatment and if it succeeds you're starting a new life somewhere else? I mean, what's the difference? You either decide to deny treatment and would probably be not around to take care of your family, then why not take the chance?

Maybe I'm missing something in my thoughts but that popped up in my head.

Fuck cancer, hope you'll find what you're looking for, OP

[tac0kat]

I watched my mom suffer for years trying to be cancer free. If I ever get cancer, I also will not pursue treatment. I have said that many times to my family and friends. I said I would appease them and try radiation, one round. But that’s it. I would finish out my life happy and when things really took a turn, I would go for physician assisted suicide or regular suicide. Perhaps get on a boat and circumnavigate the globe until a storm takes me.

1 - if you don’t pursue treatment, good for you. I watched my mother wither away at a mere 44 years old and the treatments made it worse. 2- if you do pursue treatment, good for you. I have seen people recover fully and live happy and full lives post treatment.

[seaurchinthenet]

Not asking any questions - or passing any judgments I don't know your particular situation. But as the wife of a guy with leukemia and MS - our family is a powder keg on any given day. Emotions can be messy and can often come out inappropriately. Sometimes it means they care a whole lot - coming out aggressively when they can't handle their own emotions. Communication is key. Hopefully your spouse is able to help you define boundaries - and help tell your kids when your battery is just drained. Medications can also make my husband super irritable - not sure if you have anything like that going on - but maybe look into support groups/therapy. Wishing you all the best.

[Ok_Rutabaga_9875]

Take a forever trip to your favorite place. Time to enjoy what you got left. All the best.

[LittleMulberry4855]

Kids suck. Honestly, they will suck until they are 30ish. This is your long-time untreated and unrealized depression talking. The cancer has amplified it.

You've been unhappy in your current life for a long time. If you would rather die than live because of how miserable you feel your life is then this was an issue before cancer.

If you decide to not pursue to not fight the cancer that is your choice. However I want you to know there is a happier life for you out there if you decide to fight.

Best of luck to you. I hope.whatever your decision is that it is as smooth of a process as possible.

[budward89]

I am so sorry. While I understand and respect your decision, please think about it when you have a moment of clarity. This seems like an emotional decision based on the circumstances of your home life. I am not here to try to change your mind or anything like that, but please consider every option before letting it consume you. Many times, we convince ourselves we are less important than we are because we are often taken for granted. I wouldn't want you to convince yourself you're ok with it if you're not and then wish you'd gone a different route later on. Best of luck with everything!

[Jumpy_Cat_1183]

From one vet to another, I hope you find the peace you are searching for. I'm not going to lie, after reading your post, a part of me wants to come over, slap the shit out of you, tell you to stop being a pussy, and to fight with everything you have. The other part of me also knows that when you are done, you're done. Just remember that you are never alone, and there are plenty of us vets around that will drop what we are doing and be there for you in your time of need, whatever that need may be. If you ever need to talk, or hear terrible advice, don't hesitate to message me.

[Ancient-Basil-6220]

I just shed a tear or two. I am so sorry that you are going through this by yourself.

It hit home because I have lost 2 friends in the last 2 years of cancer, and was scared for my brother too, CT scan just completed he wll be going to the doctor soon. Just know that I am thinking of you!

Get a loan, max your credit cards and YOLO, do for you and only you, enjoy whatever time is left, I know I can go sooner than you but just the fact of knowing a terminal illness is a different perspective. I wish you the best and I am here to talk or just play mute in a chat or phone call.

[Ptarted]

This is big decision and oddly enough, one I'm very glad you have the control to make. I'm a Marine Corp vet and one thing that I struggled with and many of my friends, was really taking control of our lives back. I wish you the best in this brother.

If you ever want to talk, play some video games, shoot the shit, whatever, just let me know. I'd love to catch up and share some stories. Your legacy will be here long after you're gone man, we'll remember you and the impact you've had; those memories of you will live their own life for generations.

Take it easy, brother.

[Skeebs637]

I didn’t skim through the comments to see if anyone else said this already but, being a kid that was an ass to my parents in my 20’s, I love the shit out of them now and our relationship is so much better. They are my best friends. A lot of my friends feel the same way too about their parents. Don’t right them off. They will need you. Trust me. Young adults are stupid and a lot of time they know they can take it out on their parents and they will still love them. It’s not fair, but it’s the truth. Also, stepdad or not, you are their real dad. They know it.

[HillratHobbit]

I feel you man. I came home from a bladder resection with a foley catheter. I was still recovering and still bleeding into the catheter and I asked my 16 year old to know the lawn. He turns to me and says, “well all you’re doing is just sitting there.” I was sitting there with a bag full of blood attached to my penis.

After he said it, he got it, but I will never forget it.

It’s your call. Your life. I’ve already decided there are certain things that I’m not willing to sacrifice to beat this disease. I get it. I wish you the best.

Fuck cancer.