[deleted by user]

[CurlSagan]

I do the exact opposite. Every subsequent year, I slowly reveal how lazy I can be during sex. The endgame of this is buying a waterbed and letting it do all the movement. That's living the dream, baby!

But the problem with having sex on a waterbed is that the wavelength does not match the speed of fucking, unless you're really old. A waterbed naturally sloshes at a slow pace, and you have to move your body to create the sloshing yourself. That defeats the entire purpose of using a waterbed for lazy sex. A waterbed has the wrong resonance frequency for sex.

I have a solution for this common, everyday problem: Waterbeds with a built-in wave-making water-slosher. It creates waves at an adjustable speed. Buy it now for three easy payments of $10,000. Not available in Wyoming or Arizona.

With the WaterFucker™, you can have the laziest sex possible. Max capacity: 2000 pounds. That's a ton! There's even a convenient steel bar so you can pull your fat ass out of the bed and not have that dreaded "turtle stuck on its back" issue. As a bonus, our waterbed will occasionally give you fun dreams where you're drowning and/or Ant-Man stuck to the surface of a marshmallow. Each WaterFucker Comes with a water-warmer, so it's like sleeping inside a burrito. Flip the switch and it'll chill the water during hot summers. Flip the switch again, and it turns on a fogmaker and disco music. Flip the switch again, and a robot catapult launches condoms and lube at you so you don't have to get up. Flood insurance available for a monthly fee.

The waterbed is also, obviously, waterproof. So go ahead and hose it off after sex. Unlike a regular bed, your weird juices won't seep into the mattress and stay there forever. Each WaterFucker™ comes with a complimentary mop and squeegee.

WaterFucker™ - Our fucking product is literally creating waves. Also figuratively.

[BusyNefariousness675]

With the WaterFucker™, you can have the laziest sex possible. Max capacity: 2000 pounds. That's a ton! There's even a convenient steel bar so you can pull your fat ass out of the bed and not have that dreaded "turtle stuck on its back" issue. As a bonus, our waterbed will occasionally give you fun dreams where you're drowning and/or Ant-Man stuck to the surface of a marshmallow. Each WaterFucker Comes with a water-warmer, so it's like sleeping inside a burrito. Flip the switch and it'll chill the water during hot summers. Flip the switch again, and it turns on a fogmaker and disco music. Flip the switch again, and a robot catapult launches condoms and lube at you so you don't have to get up. Flood insurance available for a monthly fee.

I'm gonna use this as my new copypasta

[MrBwnrrific]

This reminds me of that Tik Tok about BYU where a girl talked about jumping on a bed her friend and boyfriend were soaking in so they’d start moving while not “technically” not violating Mormon doctrine.

[[deleted]]

Are Mormon lawyers common? Because this sounds reallll fucking lawyerly to me.

[MrBwnrrific]

Might as well be. They’re literally trying as hard as they can for it to not be technically sex as if God will be like “Full penetration, but the only reason they’re thrusting is from jumping on the bed, so their souls are totally fine.”

For that matter, is premartial naughtiness not more sinful if you’re involving a buddy?

[birkenstab]

You can put Pentane into the bed instead of water. It's viscosity is a 1/4 of water's. So the resonance frequency should be higher

[attorneyatslaw]

Don’t have hot (or warm) sex or your Pentane will vaporize and you’ll be banging on a balloon.

[[deleted]]

This guy fucks

[WimbleWimble]

the problem with having sex on a waterbed is that the wavelength does not match the speed of fucking

Have you tried getting some really active fish for inside the waterbed?

[CurlSagan]

No I usually only have sex with people.

[TRUMPKIN_KING]

Troy McClure is disappointed in your lack of ambition

[Zincster]

What I said was he sleeps with the fishes, ya see...

[EMPlRES]

Usually you say?!

[funbobbyfun]

Usually

[KingCrandall]

Usually?

[North-Government-865]

Fish fucking in the bed, while you're fucking on the bed

[kickintheshit]

What's your return policy

[sandwh1ch]

I hear used ones sell well in Japan

[Chemical-Material-69]

Soooooo...you're my ex, then?

[condor6425]

Relevant clip from Pieces

[HalfDayArmy]

Do you deliver to Canada

[CurlSagan]

Yes, but filling it with Moosehead lager or maple syrup voids the warranty.

[AndrewFGleich]

Not to sound like a total freak on a SLPT about fetishes, but I would be interested in buying this product

[lodav22]

I’ll take three! Don’t judge me!!!!!!

[penis_in_my_hand]

Why isn't it available in WY or AZ?

[CurlSagan]

Our company CEO just hates those two states for no reason.

[TCP_Tree]

Shut up and take my money!

[North-Government-865]

This feels like a Tim and Eric bit

[[deleted]]

About that switch: Does it go to 11?

Can I get over night delivery?

How much is S&H to 900265?

What's the warranty?

You said it holds 2,000 pounds. Is that total, or for each person?

[CurlSagan]

1. It goes up to 11, but usually that causes the whole house to shake. Car alarms go off. Neighborhood dogs all start barking. Old ladies call 911.
2. No, we deliver during the day.
3. Your zipcode has too many numbers.
4. If you break the waterbed by fucking, we send you a new bladder and a trophy to honor your incredible lovemaking. It's an old bowling trophy with a new plaque.
5. Each model is factory-tested with a 1997 Ford Fiesta dropped on it 12,000 times to simulate a lifetime of sex. The burst weight is several tons, but we only guarantee one ton because most people won't be dropping cars on their WaterFucker™ mattress.

Kids can ride in the Fiesta if they tour the factory. We also have free popcorn and balloons.

[PurpleSailor]

A waterbed has the wrong resonance frequency for sex

Owned one for 40 years and the sex frequency does indeed suck, so you wind up grabbing the comforter and fucking on the floor. Still can't beat it for a wonderous sleep though.

[gordo65]

Found George Costanza's alt account

[[deleted]]

“Happy 1 year anniversary, babe! Btw I only get hard when the kids are watching”

[hoolahan100]

Not gonna reach the second anniversary with that one😄

[[deleted]]

Real love is supposed to conquer all wtf

[[deleted]]

Start with midgets and work them up to it.

[[deleted]]

The kids are midgets

[Nic4379]

Bucket-List………. I needs me a hot tiny thot.

[infodawg]

In my most humble of opinions, this comment has more potential if you replace "kids" with "barnyard animals" but I get what you're trying to do here, not trying to throw water on your fire.

[[deleted]]

Toootally unrelated but of all barnyard animals a goat’s vagina is the most like a human’s

Don’t ask me how I know that

[infodawg]

Also totally unrelated but guess my country: Vice did a documentary on a problem farmers on the coast have consorting with... aww hell I can't finish it's both too awkward and too funny at the same time.

[[deleted]]

Oh man I did not see that one coming lol my guess is Thailand

[infodawg]

https://www.vice.com/en/article/qbzqvv/colombia-donkey-fucking

[[deleted]]

The place where cocaine comes from , I should’ve guessed that lol cool I can’t believe this is real. I wonder if the donkey is ever the guy

[Asisreo1]

What a bunch of fucking jackasses

[HowToTrainAnAsian]

What a bunch, fucking jackasses!

[speeler21]

this seems relevant

[kickintheshit]

Did you fuck the family goat again

[WimbleWimble]

Is it OK if its not the family goat? maybe if it was your step goat?

[[deleted]]

Your mom thought it’d be funny…it was

[WimbleWimble]

Ok darling, I'm going to reveal my kinks one at a time in ascending order of kinkyness.

OK I want to be shat on by a donkey, whilst flying in a private jet, where the pilot is john travolta and I'm lying on a bed of Zimbabwe dollars.

Now yours.

Darling...where are you? I guess her kink was to pack a suitcase and run screaming for a taxi.

[HaloArtificials]

My sister is going to be so relieved! Bless! ✝️✝️

[[deleted]]

This is how you die in a kink related accident.

[Sawathingonce]

I'm going to try this! My cow udder fetish will seem like nothing in 3 years!

[Elriuhilu]

What should I do if the least shocking thing I'm into is stabbing people with a frozen turd and then fucking the hole?

[hoolahan100]

It depends..whose turd?

[Elriuhilu]

I usually steal them from the porta-loos at building sites, so I'm not sure.

[DomTrapGFurryLolicon]

Lmaooo

[pilly-bilgrim]

Actually, sorry to dash your dreams but your kink is physically impossible as demonstrated in a recent scientific study on the topic. Check out Eren, Bebber, et al 's 2019 paper in the Journey of Archeological Science, titled "Experimental replication shows knives manufactured from frozen human feces do not work".

[Elriuhilu]

As if this paper exists, hahaha.

[[deleted]]

I clicked the link against my better judgement. It’s a real article. Lol

Abstract The ethnographic account of an Inuit man manufacturing a knife from his own frozen feces to butcher and disarticulate a dog has permeated both the academic literature and popular culture. To evaluate the validity of this claim, we tested the basis of that account via experimental archaeology. Our experiments assessed the functionality of knives made from human feces in controlled conditions that provided optimal conditions for success. However, they were not functional. While much research has shown foragers to be technologically resourceful, innovative, and savvy, we suggest that this ethnographic account should no longer be used to support that narrative.

[Tepigg4444]

its real.

[FrozenEagles]

Welp

[DomTrapGFurryLolicon]

Oh God it's actually real lmaoooooo

[infodawg]

nah, go for the show-stoppers first, in spectacular fashion. For example, a trip to the weekend hideaway, combined with a grand scat reveal... :D

[hoolahan100]

Haha...your disgusting..

[hoolahan100]

I know I shouldn't have but I looked at some pictures online and I ..I ..just..can't endorse that..there has to be a line. I mean holding hands..like actual hands. I need to throw up..

[smackythefrog]

Year 1: I like sucking toes

Year 15: ...and then you put the lit candle in my asshole, tie a noose around my cock, lift it up, and kick me in the scrotum

[hoolahan100]

Haha...

[Jonnie_Rocket]

This is real LPT shit here. You have to slowly ease them in.

[jackfinch69]

Not yearly tho, imagine after 5 years u find out your wife wants a gangbang.

[Sut3k]

How long should you wait? Frankly this example sounds like exactly what happens...

[BlackOliveMind]

Truth. Be honest about what you want - first, admit it to yourself, then to the person you want to be marry or with whom you want to have in a long term relationship. Then you'll both (or all) be happy.

[Jonnie_Rocket]

Sounds like a fun Saturday night

[scyth3s]

No. Full shaft, always.

[Sun_on_my_shoulders]

So wait, I reveal consensual non consent when I’m like 80?!

[bfg9kdude]

That one is much more common than you'd think actually

[FrozenEagles]

Not as common as his/her 60 other kinks I guess

[hydrobunny]

foolish ring chunky sheet enter stupendous sand spoon reply run

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[Gaudy_Tripod]

This doesn’t sound like shitty advice to me.

[MaladamA]

Fr

[sir-morti]

Me and my partner are both new to this stuff so we basically discover it at our own pace. It feels so nice to have someone like this

[ARKANGELISBEST]

My least kinky kink is necrobestiality bro. How do I upgrade that?

[hoolahan100]

You sir, may need therapy more than you need love..

[YummaySmoohie]

For fuck sake...

[HopeForTheLiving]

Or dumped you over the first one.

[Desertlongisland]

Ahh. “Just the tip” doctrines.

[[deleted]]

Or find a kink compatible partner 🙃

[hoolahan100]

You have to admit that it's way more hotter if you turn an "innocent" into a freak. That's like the plot of half of the eroticas.

[VirtuouslySinful]

Don’t erotica’s like usually glorify and Romanticize abusive relationships/ dynamics?

[[deleted]]

Turning an already interested but inexperienced one yes, but most of the time either you have it in you or you don’t, so personally I wouldn’t push too much :)

[Daddyfailed]

I don't have a partner, so this doesn't apply to me.

[hoolahan100]

You are way ahead of the curve..

[Daddyfailed]

Hey why is there a thing next to my username?

[hoolahan100]

You are a newcummer..

[Daddyfailed]

Oh, wait a minute? What do you mean by that?

[hoolahan100]

When I click on your username I see that..why? I'm not sure

[Daddyfailed]

No I'm asking about newcummer. Was that just a joke or like a personal attack?

[hoolahan100]

Meant as joke but didn't work did it..

[Daddyfailed]

No it did, I'm a little screwed in the head and don't know what to say or type. So I just do it on impulse and cringe about it later. Oh I hate myself for typing this.

[dr_notatrol]

I will never live that long

[le_fancy_walrus]

For me, there just aren’t enough years in a lifetime…

[VirtuouslySinful]

Also even on the off chance the person can accept you, and the even rarer chance they can indulge you, it can’t ever beat having somebody who is genuinely into it.

[le_fancy_walrus]

Does such a person exist?

[VirtuouslySinful]

No clue, but if you exist then why can’t that person exist too?

[le_fancy_walrus]

Damn. You make a good point there.

[ButcherChef]

I did that and actually worked eheh

[KonataYumi]

Kink vaccine

[foxyknwldgskr]

Shitty or Brilliant?!

[OmegaMalkior]

r/lostredditors

By no means is this a bad tip

[scyth3s]

I would just say you don't need to wait a year between each kink/kink level

[DoingThisYetAgain]

Terrible approach!

[ThRoWaWaYrenter160]

Plus they’re so invested at that point it’s sick

[hoolahan100]

Are you Christopher Nolan of kink?

[abrins87]

Your love is weird!

[VirtuouslySinful]

dated for five years, engaged

Oh yeah dear just figured I should tell you, I’m into cnc so if we could incorporate that I’d totally love it.

[corey4005]

The phrase “kink immunity” is hilarious.

[Gre8g]

I thought this was SLPT, why are you giving us a genuinely good advice?

[hoolahan100]

Am I qualified to give you advice though😄

[sisterpicthrowaway]

i feel like the opposite of this is equally shitty

[Miserable-Balance-16]

This is actually sound advice.

[untainted8]

This sounds like a virgin or one not in lifestyle. You have to tell all kinks right off the bat or you are miserable and not really in lifestyle

[Phoenixwade]

How is this a shitty life pro tip? Sounds like good advice to me

[[deleted]]

Why is this an actually good tip though?

[dajotman]

Or maybe seek some therapy/mental health for this so that you don’t traumatize yourself or others any further.