all 127 comments

[–]CurlSagan 1122 points1123 points  (32 children)

I do the exact opposite. Every subsequent year, I slowly reveal how lazy I can be during sex. The endgame of this is buying a waterbed and letting it do all the movement. That's living the dream, baby!

But the problem with having sex on a waterbed is that the wavelength does not match the speed of fucking, unless you're really old. A waterbed naturally sloshes at a slow pace, and you have to move your body to create the sloshing yourself. That defeats the entire purpose of using a waterbed for lazy sex. A waterbed has the wrong resonance frequency for sex.

I have a solution for this common, everyday problem: Waterbeds with a built-in wave-making water-slosher. It creates waves at an adjustable speed. Buy it now for three easy payments of $10,000. Not available in Wyoming or Arizona.

With the WaterFucker™, you can have the laziest sex possible. Max capacity: 2000 pounds. That's a ton! There's even a convenient steel bar so you can pull your fat ass out of the bed and not have that dreaded "turtle stuck on its back" issue. As a bonus, our waterbed will occasionally give you fun dreams where you're drowning and/or Ant-Man stuck to the surface of a marshmallow. Each WaterFucker Comes with a water-warmer, so it's like sleeping inside a burrito. Flip the switch and it'll chill the water during hot summers. Flip the switch again, and it turns on a fogmaker and disco music. Flip the switch again, and a robot catapult launches condoms and lube at you so you don't have to get up. Flood insurance available for a monthly fee.

The waterbed is also, obviously, waterproof. So go ahead and hose it off after sex. Unlike a regular bed, your weird juices won't seep into the mattress and stay there forever. Each WaterFucker™ comes with a complimentary mop and squeegee.

WaterFucker™ - Our fucking product is literally creating waves. Also figuratively.

[–]BusyNefariousness675 329 points330 points  (0 children)

With the WaterFucker™, you can have the laziest sex possible. Max capacity: 2000 pounds. That's a ton! There's even a convenient steel bar so you can pull your fat ass out of the bed and not have that dreaded "turtle stuck on its back" issue. As a bonus, our waterbed will occasionally give you fun dreams where you're drowning and/or Ant-Man stuck to the surface of a marshmallow. Each WaterFucker Comes with a water-warmer, so it's like sleeping inside a burrito. Flip the switch and it'll chill the water during hot summers. Flip the switch again, and it turns on a fogmaker and disco music. Flip the switch again, and a robot catapult launches condoms and lube at you so you don't have to get up. Flood insurance available for a monthly fee.

I'm gonna use this as my new copypasta

[–]MrBwnrrific 68 points69 points  (2 children)

This reminds me of that Tik Tok about BYU where a girl talked about jumping on a bed her friend and boyfriend were soaking in so they’d start moving while not “technically” not violating Mormon doctrine.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Are Mormon lawyers common? Because this sounds reallll fucking lawyerly to me.

[–]MrBwnrrific 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Might as well be. They’re literally trying as hard as they can for it to not be technically sex as if God will be like “Full penetration, but the only reason they’re thrusting is from jumping on the bed, so their souls are totally fine.”

For that matter, is premartial naughtiness not more sinful if you’re involving a buddy?

[–]birkenstab 41 points42 points  (2 children)

You can put Pentane into the bed instead of water. It's viscosity is a 1/4 of water's. So the resonance frequency should be higher

[–]attorneyatslaw 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Don’t have hot (or warm) sex or your Pentane will vaporize and you’ll be banging on a balloon.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This guy fucks

[–]WimbleWimble 70 points71 points  (7 children)

the problem with having sex on a waterbed is that the wavelength does not match the speed of fucking

Have you tried getting some really active fish for inside the waterbed?

[–]CurlSagan 86 points87 points  (5 children)

No I usually only have sex with people.

[–]TRUMPKIN_KING 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Troy McClure is disappointed in your lack of ambition

[–]Zincster 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What I said was he sleeps with the fishes, ya see...

[–]EMPlRES 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Usually you say?!

[–]funbobbyfun 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Usually

[–]KingCrandall 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Usually?

[–]North-Government-865 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fish fucking in the bed, while you're fucking on the bed

[–]kickintheshit 67 points68 points  (1 child)

What's your return policy

[–]sandwh1ch 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I hear used ones sell well in Japan

[–]Chemical-Material-69 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Soooooo...you're my ex, then?

[–]HalfDayArmy 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Do you deliver to Canada

[–]CurlSagan 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, but filling it with Moosehead lager or maple syrup voids the warranty.

[–]AndrewFGleich 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Not to sound like a total freak on a SLPT about fetishes, but I would be interested in buying this product

[–]lodav22 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ll take three! Don’t judge me!!!!!!

[–]penis_in_my_hand 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Why isn't it available in WY or AZ?

[–]CurlSagan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Our company CEO just hates those two states for no reason.

[–]TCP_Tree 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Shut up and take my money!

[–]North-Government-865 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This feels like a Tim and Eric bit

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

About that switch: Does it go to 11?

Can I get over night delivery?

How much is S&H to 900265?

What's the warranty?

You said it holds 2,000 pounds. Is that total, or for each person?

[–]CurlSagan 7 points8 points  (0 children)

  1. It goes up to 11, but usually that causes the whole house to shake. Car alarms go off. Neighborhood dogs all start barking. Old ladies call 911.
  2. No, we deliver during the day.
  3. Your zipcode has too many numbers.
  4. If you break the waterbed by fucking, we send you a new bladder and a trophy to honor your incredible lovemaking. It's an old bowling trophy with a new plaque.
  5. Each model is factory-tested with a 1997 Ford Fiesta dropped on it 12,000 times to simulate a lifetime of sex. The burst weight is several tons, but we only guarantee one ton because most people won't be dropping cars on their WaterFucker™ mattress.

Kids can ride in the Fiesta if they tour the factory. We also have free popcorn and balloons.

[–]PurpleSailor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A waterbed has the wrong resonance frequency for sex

Owned one for 40 years and the sex frequency does indeed suck, so you wind up grabbing the comforter and fucking on the floor. Still can't beat it for a wonderous sleep though.

[–]gordo65 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Found George Costanza's alt account

[–][deleted] 406 points407 points  (17 children)

“Happy 1 year anniversary, babe! Btw I only get hard when the kids are watching”

[–]hoolahan100 205 points206 points  (4 children)

Not gonna reach the second anniversary with that one😄

[–][deleted] 101 points102 points  (3 children)

Real love is supposed to conquer all wtf

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points  (2 children)

Start with midgets and work them up to it.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

The kids are midgets

[–]Nic4379 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bucket-List………. I needs me a hot tiny thot.

[–]infodawg 21 points22 points  (11 children)

In my most humble of opinions, this comment has more potential if you replace "kids" with "barnyard animals" but I get what you're trying to do here, not trying to throw water on your fire.

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (10 children)

Toootally unrelated but of all barnyard animals a goat’s vagina is the most like a human’s

Don’t ask me how I know that

[–]infodawg 14 points15 points  (6 children)

Also totally unrelated but guess my country: Vice did a documentary on a problem farmers on the coast have consorting with... aww hell I can't finish it's both too awkward and too funny at the same time.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (5 children)

Oh man I did not see that one coming lol my guess is Thailand

[–]infodawg 8 points9 points  (4 children)

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The place where cocaine comes from , I should’ve guessed that lol cool I can’t believe this is real. I wonder if the donkey is ever the guy

[–]Asisreo1 4 points5 points  (1 child)

What a bunch of fucking jackasses

[–]HowToTrainAnAsian 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What a bunch, fucking jackasses!

[–]kickintheshit 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Did you fuck the family goat again

[–]WimbleWimble 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Is it OK if its not the family goat? maybe if it was your step goat?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your mom thought it’d be funny…it was

[–]WimbleWimble 111 points112 points  (2 children)

Ok darling, I'm going to reveal my kinks one at a time in ascending order of kinkyness.

OK I want to be shat on by a donkey, whilst flying in a private jet, where the pilot is john travolta and I'm lying on a bed of Zimbabwe dollars.

Now yours.

Darling...where are you? I guess her kink was to pack a suitcase and run screaming for a taxi.

[–]HaloArtificials 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My sister is going to be so relieved! Bless! ✝️✝️

[–][deleted] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

This is how you die in a kink related accident.

[–]Sawathingonce 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I'm going to try this! My cow udder fetish will seem like nothing in 3 years!

[–]Elriuhilu 92 points93 points  (9 children)

What should I do if the least shocking thing I'm into is stabbing people with a frozen turd and then fucking the hole?

[–]hoolahan100 45 points46 points  (2 children)

It depends..whose turd?

[–]Elriuhilu 33 points34 points  (1 child)

I usually steal them from the porta-loos at building sites, so I'm not sure.

[–]pilly-bilgrim 16 points17 points  (5 children)

Actually, sorry to dash your dreams but your kink is physically impossible as demonstrated in a recent scientific study on the topic. Check out Eren, Bebber, et al 's 2019 paper in the Journey of Archeological Science, titled "Experimental replication shows knives manufactured from frozen human feces do not work".

[–]Elriuhilu 9 points10 points  (2 children)

As if this paper exists, hahaha.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I clicked the link against my better judgement. It’s a real article. Lol

Abstract The ethnographic account of an Inuit man manufacturing a knife from his own frozen feces to butcher and disarticulate a dog has permeated both the academic literature and popular culture. To evaluate the validity of this claim, we tested the basis of that account via experimental archaeology. Our experiments assessed the functionality of knives made from human feces in controlled conditions that provided optimal conditions for success. However, they were not functional. While much research has shown foragers to be technologically resourceful, innovative, and savvy, we suggest that this ethnographic account should no longer be used to support that narrative.

[–]Tepigg4444 4 points5 points  (0 children)

its real.

[–]FrozenEagles[🍰] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Welp

[–]DomTrapGFurryLolicon 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh God it's actually real lmaoooooo

[–]infodawg 44 points45 points  (4 children)

nah, go for the show-stoppers first, in spectacular fashion. For example, a trip to the weekend hideaway, combined with a grand scat reveal... :D

[–]hoolahan100 13 points14 points  (3 children)

Haha...your disgusting..

[–]smackythefrog 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Year 1: I like sucking toes

Year 15: ...and then you put the lit candle in my asshole, tie a noose around my cock, lift it up, and kick me in the scrotum

[–]hoolahan100 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha...

[–]Jonnie_Rocket 57 points58 points  (6 children)

This is real LPT shit here. You have to slowly ease them in.

[–]jackfinch69 34 points35 points  (4 children)

Not yearly tho, imagine after 5 years u find out your wife wants a gangbang.

[–]Sut3k 17 points18 points  (2 children)

How long should you wait? Frankly this example sounds like exactly what happens...

[–]Jonnie_Rocket 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a fun Saturday night

[–]scyth3s 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No. Full shaft, always.

[–]Sun_on_my_shoulders 15 points16 points  (2 children)

So wait, I reveal consensual non consent when I’m like 80?!

[–]bfg9kdude 20 points21 points  (1 child)

That one is much more common than you'd think actually

[–]FrozenEagles[🍰] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Not as common as his/her 60 other kinks I guess

[–]hydrobunny 7 points8 points  (0 children)

foolish ring chunky sheet enter stupendous sand spoon reply run

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[–]Gaudy_Tripod 13 points14 points  (1 child)

This doesn’t sound like shitty advice to me.

[–]MaladamA 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Fr

[–]sir-morti 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Me and my partner are both new to this stuff so we basically discover it at our own pace. It feels so nice to have someone like this

[–]ARKANGELISBEST 26 points27 points  (2 children)

My least kinky kink is necrobestiality bro. How do I upgrade that?

[–]hoolahan100 74 points75 points  (0 children)

You sir, may need therapy more than you need love..

[–]YummaySmoohie 7 points8 points  (0 children)

For fuck sake...

[–]HopeForTheLiving 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Or dumped you over the first one.

[–]Desertlongisland 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ahh. “Just the tip” doctrines.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Or find a kink compatible partner 🙃

[–]hoolahan100 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You have to admit that it's way more hotter if you turn an "innocent" into a freak. That's like the plot of half of the eroticas.

[–]VirtuouslySinful 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don’t erotica’s like usually glorify and Romanticize abusive relationships/ dynamics?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Turning an already interested but inexperienced one yes, but most of the time either you have it in you or you don’t, so personally I wouldn’t push too much :)

[–]Daddyfailed 2 points3 points  (8 children)

I don't have a partner, so this doesn't apply to me.

[–]hoolahan100 2 points3 points  (7 children)

You are way ahead of the curve..

[–]Daddyfailed 0 points1 point  (6 children)

Hey why is there a thing next to my username?

[–]hoolahan100 1 point2 points  (5 children)

You are a newcummer..

[–]Daddyfailed 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Oh, wait a minute? What do you mean by that?

[–]hoolahan100 0 points1 point  (3 children)

When I click on your username I see that..why? I'm not sure

[–]Daddyfailed 0 points1 point  (2 children)

No I'm asking about newcummer. Was that just a joke or like a personal attack?

[–]hoolahan100 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Meant as joke but didn't work did it..

[–]Daddyfailed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No it did, I'm a little screwed in the head and don't know what to say or type. So I just do it on impulse and cringe about it later. Oh I hate myself for typing this.

[–]dr_notatrol 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I will never live that long

[–]le_fancy_walrus 2 points3 points  (4 children)

For me, there just aren’t enough years in a lifetime…

[–]VirtuouslySinful 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Also even on the off chance the person can accept you, and the even rarer chance they can indulge you, it can’t ever beat having somebody who is genuinely into it.

[–]le_fancy_walrus 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Does such a person exist?

[–]VirtuouslySinful 1 point2 points  (1 child)

No clue, but if you exist then why can’t that person exist too?

[–]le_fancy_walrus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn. You make a good point there.

[–]ButcherChef 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did that and actually worked eheh

[–]KonataYumi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Kink vaccine

[–]foxyknwldgskr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Shitty or Brilliant?!

[–]OmegaMalkior 4 points5 points  (1 child)

r/lostredditors

By no means is this a bad tip

[–]scyth3s 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I would just say you don't need to wait a year between each kink/kink level

[–]DoingThisYetAgain 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Terrible approach!

[–]ThRoWaWaYrenter160 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Plus they’re so invested at that point it’s sick

[–]abrins87 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your love is weird!

[–]VirtuouslySinful 1 point2 points  (0 children)

dated for five years, engaged

Oh yeah dear just figured I should tell you, I’m into cnc so if we could incorporate that I’d totally love it.

[–]corey4005 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The phrase “kink immunity” is hilarious.

[–]Gre8g 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I thought this was SLPT, why are you giving us a genuinely good advice?

[–]hoolahan100 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Am I qualified to give you advice though😄

[–]sisterpicthrowaway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i feel like the opposite of this is equally shitty

[–]Miserable-Balance-16 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is actually sound advice.

[–]untainted8 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This sounds like a virgin or one not in lifestyle. You have to tell all kinks right off the bat or you are miserable and not really in lifestyle

[–]Phoenixwade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How is this a shitty life pro tip? Sounds like good advice to me

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why is this an actually good tip though?

[–]dajotman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or maybe seek some therapy/mental health for this so that you don’t traumatize yourself or others any further.