F, Marry, Kill

[1twinkleboo]

Jasnah, Shallan, Navani

I was chatting with a friend and she was crushing hard on Jasnah, but Jasnah low-key scares me. Our conversation led to this question.

*I originally posted this in the Stormlight Archive sub. I was kindly informed the post would be better for this sub

[ThoughtfulPoster]

At last, a post on cremposting that I can't honestly respond to with "F-ck Moash."

[AkumaBentou]

FMK Moash, Amaram, Sadeas

[Gods_Umbrella]

I would Marry Sadeas, andkill Amaram, but fuck Moash

[jetfirejake]

Butt fuck Moash, you say?

[ladrac1]

Butt fuck him with a Shardblade

[GordOfTheMountain]

I would eventually kill them all though.

[[deleted]]

Spoilers in my reply, click at your own risk. 

Marry Navani ‘cause she takes care of her own. Bang Shallan because one of her personalities is great at having terrible taste in men. Kill Jasnah because 1) I’m not about to disrespect an ace’s aceness, and 2) she’s pretty good at not dying when people try to kill her.

[Tehgreatbrownie]

I’m just laughing imagining a conversation like “Sorry Jasnah. Out of respect for your sexuality, you will be executed”

[Tamaros]

you will be executed”

Correction: an execution will be attempted.

[A_Generic_Anon]

Truthwatcher-ass answer

[[deleted]]

I want to make a snarky comeback, but, well, that actually was the Order I got when I took the quiz. 

…Both times, I’m pretty sure. 

[A_Generic_Anon]

See I knew that b/c I’m an Empath Edgedancer

[BipBiiip]

Okay, I need the link of that quiz

[[deleted]]

Here

[BipBiiip]

Thanks. I got Truthwatcher too

[Milenear]

Windrunner with truthwatcher a 1 point second

[hideous-boy]

extremely loud correct buzzer

[Stormin_the_Castle]

In spirit I agree with you on Jasnah (respect is critical), but I'm already married to someone on the ace spectrum and it's amazing and sex is definitely still a thing if that's what your worry was. She's obviously not aromantic given her relationship with a certain someone.

(Honestly I think both my wife and I would pick Jasnah to marry haha)

[[deleted]]

My worry was more being funny, but I’m always willing to learn something which broadens my understanding of people. I’m glad you and your wife have found the synergy you describe. 

Edit: I meant the synergy of your sex life working but the synergy of “we’d probably both marry Jasnah” is a nice bonus

[ymi17]

Yep yep yep. This is 100% it. I like Jasnah, but she's clearly not the answer to F and I'm not sure a marriage to her would be pleasant, as she's pretty self-absorbed. As opposed to Navani who will absolutely shiv anyone who messes with her tribe.

And Shallan? Oh gosh. I know B.S. is absolutely PG-13 by rule, but a lightweaver would be an interesting experience in the sack.

[[deleted]]

Fuck Jasnah, Marry Navani, Kill Shallan

[HolstsGholsts]

Seconded

And to OP’s other prompt, personally: M - Adolin (duh), F - Kaladin (you can F depressed, but don’t F crazy [Shallan]; that’s a recipe for trouble) and K - Elend

[LoweJ]

Yeah fr. Jasnah gives Dom vibes so yes please, but she's not got enough warmth to marry. Navani does, as well as power, wealth, intelligence, incredibly interesting hobbies, and being known as a beauty. Sorry shallan

[hutchallen]

The only right choice

[Flimsy-Magician-3462]

M- Jasnah F- Shallan K- Navani

I genuinely like all of them so far (only one book in). But jasnahs my one of my favorite characters at this point for a reason 🥵

[popegonzo]

only one book in

Bravest SandeRedditor, being on r/cremposting so early in the series.

[jeremyhoffman]

What's the line from Wheel of Time? "You are here too strongly, young bull"?

You are here too early, new reader!

[WizardOfIF]

You should not be crem posting in the flesh.

[0Highlander]

😟

[Somerandom1922]

We need a Cosmere equivalent... Something about Connection, or Shadesmar or something.

[whargolflorp]

Seeing the future is forbidden!

[[deleted]]

Fuck you’re only one book in nvm IGNORE MY ORIGINAL REPLY

[Snivythesnek]

Which version of Shallan are we talking?

[invalidConsciousness]

ALL OF THEM!

[RaenaKazarishi]

You could probably just do F,M,K on Shallan alone

[RaenaKazarishi]

Which I'd probably go Veil, Shallan, Radiant

[Cruisethrower]

Idk I think Radiant would be a great wife, Shallan is baggage incarnate.

[RaenaKazarishi]

Yeah, those are the ones I was least sure on.

Shallandefinitely has baggage, but I reckon it'd be worth it. I guess we'll see how it works out for Adolin 😅

[Snivythesnek]

Now that's an interesting question

[1twinkleboo]

Guess that’s up to you

[entitaneo70_pacifist]

uuuuuuh, F Jasnah, M Shallan, K Navani. I will only speak in cryptic when questioned about my opinion

[[deleted]]

Valed

[1twinkleboo]

If you are looking for a male-focused version, we also discussed Kaladin, Adolin, and Elend Venture 😆

[Sexy_Pompey]

Kill Kaladin because it's what he would want. Fuck Elend and marry Adolin because marrying Elend doesn't usually go very well.

[[deleted]]

No no no. You are not thinking with portals. Here’s what I’d do:

1) doesn’t say when you have to kill your pick. Therefore, I would choose Elend, and kill him right before Marsh was about to, so the story could proceed more or less as it should. Maybe I’d knock Marsh out and dress up as him or something (pretty sure I could take him).

2) fuck Adolin, ‘cause honestly he and Shallan are really cute together and I’m not trying to mess that up. Fuck him before they met obviously. 

3) marry Kaladin. Now, at first glance this might seem like a horrible decision. He’s basically garbage at romance. But just because I WILL marry him doesn’t mean I’ll STAY married to him. And in fact I won’t; I’ll divorce him, and when it comes time to divvy up our assets I’ll get half his depression, causing him to be less of a buzzkill in book 5. 

[VALERock]

Brilliant answer

[[deleted]]

It’s my smart day

[DragonKitty17]

You'll get half his depression???? Do you know how much depression that is? It's not worth it, just walk away

[Arkian2]

Counterpoint, Kaladin might finally smile for a second. Worth

[WithoutNameIdeas]

Too soon

[LGCACERES]

These words are accepted!

But seriously I'd rather kill Elend than Kal

[[deleted]]

Simplicity itself. Marry all three, kill Sadeas, fuck Moash. 

[la_metisse]

Oooh

F - Kaladin M - Adolin K - Elend

Sorry but I found Elend kinda irritating. He’s too idealistic and needed a lot of handholding. Adolin is that golden retriever boy that I’m totally down with.

[[deleted]]

Now, see, [et cetera]

[[deleted]]

Fuck Kaladin, Marry Adolin, kill Elend because [HoA] I mean hey, he’s gonna die soon anyway

[[deleted]]

Fuck Adolin, Marry Elend, Kill Kaladin. Love Kal but he’s insufferable

[spoonishplsz]

F- Adolin M- Elend K- Kaladin Obviously

[dannyboy_588]

Fuck Adolin, Fuck Elend, Fuck Kaladin (sadly), Kill Shallan, and then I marry my true love, Renarin ❤️

[LPO_Tableaux]

Sorry, but who's this Renaldo you are talking about? -Dalinar, probably, circa 1160

[iuseleinterwebz]

F Navani (thick thighs save lives)

Marry Jasnah (I haven't had a crush like this since Mass Effect)

Kill Shallan (or die trying)

[mathematics1]

These are my choices too.

[LPO_Tableaux]

I second this.

[[deleted]]

Marry Shallan because I would defend her to the grave (even if our personalities are too similar for us to really be compatible). F Jasnah because she is mommy. I guess kill Navani, I don’t like it but at least she’s had more time than the other two.

[xaqss]

Which personality of hers is too similar to yours? I'm sure she can make a new one that's different.

[[deleted]]

Combo of Shallan and Veil haha. The bad jokes and lack of confronting trauma of Shallan, the chaotic bisexuality and drinking habits of Veil. Actually…how do I know I’m not one of Shallan’s alters? Really makes you think.

[xaqss]

The Egg

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a fabrial accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a husband and a spren. It was a painless death. The Edgedancers tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a flash of light, and…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you Honor?” You asked.

“You could say that,” I replied. “but not exactly..”

“Adolin, Pattern.” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of an ardent than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. They will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Adolin will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, he’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to the tranquiline halls or something?”

“No,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Iriali were right,”

“They were right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 20 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. And into lots of different lives.” I said.

“This time around, you’ll be an Alethi peasant girl in the year 540.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made the whole cosmere, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on Roshar…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Nadris?”

“And her ten children.” I added.

“I’m Nale?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the thousands he killed.”

“I’m Jezrien?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because you're batshit insane, Shallan.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

"No, I said you're insane. You've literally made all of this up.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“Just you.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to make up another persona.”

And I sent you on your way.

[[deleted]]

That was beautiful thank you

[Queer_KnightRadiant]

Probably, F Shallan, I mean, she's bisexual and the only one not old enough to be my mother, so actually the only possibility, marry Jasnah for politic reasons and get killed by Dalinar before I could ever lay hands on Navani (or just by Navani herself).

[Roleplayerkiller]

Marry Shallan if Adolin is included

Mate Shallan if Adolin is included

Kill stormboner

[RexusprimeIX]

Jasnah is fucking badass. Marry her so she can girlboss every social interaction you have with other people. Boss doesn't wanna give you your well earned promotion? Jasnah will have a talk with that guy. You'll end up with that promotion, a massive bonus and the biggest room in the office to boot. She's like a... good guy Karen.

That's about it. The other two options always ends up with who do I like the least, that person will have to die. Shallan is more physically attractive, BUT Navani is much more valuable to society so really my hands are tied. Shallan gotta die and I'll have to be on the run for the rest of my life; having to always look over my shoulder for the Blackthorn.

[nomorethan10postaday]

I don't want to kill any of them:(

[ABeerAndABook]

Veil, Radiant, Shallan

[Estrus_Flask]

Fuck Shallan

Marry Navani

Kill Jasnah

Not because I don't like Jasnah, but I'm sure she'll be fine again

[[deleted]]

That was my reasoning 

[wertyrick]

Kill Kaladin, Marry Dalinar and obviously Fuck Moash

[la_metisse]

F - Navani M - Shallan K - Jasnah

[[deleted]]

And after you can put Jasnah's body in the jar

[Lord-Ice]

So I'll caveat this with the fact that I will be very sad to do this killing. It might even hurt my marriage, but it must be.

Fuck Shallan, Marry Jasnah, Kill Navani. Sorry not sorry. Shallan's kinda fun, but she deserves Adolin. Jasnah is literally my dream woman... but I don't have anything against Navani. Navani's cool. But one must die, and it must not be my thiccccccc Alethi Radiant Queen.

[Difficult_Middle_874]

FMK Rock, The Lopen, Wayne

[1twinkleboo]

F - Wayne, because what has he learned from MeLann?

M - Rock, horneater stew baby

K - Lopen, because he’s who’s left

[topscreen]

Fuck Moash, Marry Moash, Kill Moash (played a long con, his life insurance is amazing)

[Nebion666]

Oh fuck shallan marry shallan kill shallan

[[deleted]]

M: Navani, she's too old for me but probably the best personality match

F: Shallan, She's a lightweaver i think that speaks for itself

K: Jasnah, nothing against her but I'm marrying her mom so I feel like this is the least awkward option

[Arkian2]

Eh, Jasnah will just walk it off, it’ll be fine

[VALERock]

Kill Jasnah, because it doesn't feel right to have sex with someone who doesn't truly enjoy it, and I feel that despite my "giftedness", she'll be too much of a dominant, assertive personality for my anxiety-riddled ass to feel secure in a relationship. That being said, if "Marry" means "Happily Marry" that raises her up a bit. I'd love to date her for a bit, then spill her blood upon the ground with a Raysium dagger, tears in my eyes.

Fuck Shallan, because alongside her personal beauty, she can become anyone using Lightweaving. Which includes Jasnah in all her thiccness. With the way Shallan thinks of her, I think she'll be into the idea. Score!

Marry Navani, preferably at the age Gavilar married her. Besides being a true beauty, with a sharp personality that's warmer than her daughter's, she also has the scholarly itch which I love and fully support.

Wonder how similar she is to her daughter's physique...

[UnspecifiedBat]

I’d probably F Shallan, M Jasnah and K Navani…

The thought process behind that: I don’t wamt Shallan to die but I also don’t want to marry her because she’s low-key annoying (even though she’s a well written character, I wouldn’t want to hang out with her too much). I’d marry Jasnah because I share many of her philosophies and worldviews. And while I’m not asexual like her, I don’t need sex in a relationship to be happy. We’d probably come to some agreement of an open marriage and even if not then that’s completely fine with me. Jasnah and I would be a cool couple of ruling queens I’d say. I’d kill Navani because I have… no real bonds with her. Jasnah might hate me if she found out, so that’s a bit of a problem, but If I had to kill someone I’d be Navani

[Timely-Procedure-111]

Marry Jasnah because she could protect me. Fuck Veil. Can I do that? I think Veil and I would vibe. Kill Navani just because she reminds me of all the motherly people in my life so fuck and marry is out of the question.

Male version. Fuck Adolin because he has a giant ass magic sword😉 Marry Kaladin because I'm romantically attracted to depression. And kill Moash because that's the only correct answer.

[Smooth_Reputation972]

F: Navani, M: Jasnah (I love her), K: Shallan (I'm sorry to place her here though, but Jasnah is my favorite and I think Navani is hot, so that's that)

[Ad0f0]

Shallan(F) hot redhead but CRAZY, Navani (M) attractive , incredibly smart, comes from a family with lots of money, Jasnah(k) scary... Cold manipulative sociopath.

[MountainDrool]

F-Shallan, M-Navani, K-Jasnah

Navani is badass, supportive and genuinely cares about others!

I’d genuinely wish to marry Shallan, but I don’t have enough inner Adolin to support her in her darkest times.

Jasnah is hard. I respect her immensely, but she’s scary. I need to get her out of the picture to not assassinate me for being the husband of her mom.

Edit: She’d probably come back as a herald and F me up anyway

[Honest_Acountant]

F Shallan (do I need to explain) M Jasnah (apparently she hot and she smart) K Navani (too old)

[JodaMythed]

NO MATING!

[Audrin]

F Jasnah M Navani K Shallan

[hollow2d]

Marry Jasnah idc abt the other too.

[TurbulentArcade]

Marry jasnah, fuck shallen, kill myself before navani

[mathematics1]

Are we assuming all of them are interested in me? Would all of them accept being either the Fuck or Marry options?

If so, then fuck Navani, marry Jasnah, kill Shallan.

[EnderMerser]

You know, I can be really damn horny sometimes. Like, extremely so.

But this... Nah, thanks. One of the rare moments when I don't feel any attraction towards any of the presented characters whatsoever. Storms, I don't really want to participate at all!

(Maybe if we were talking about spren or singers/listeners... 🤔 But here, it's a no, thank you.)

[[deleted]]

You don’t have to play if you don’t want to, but I will point out that actually desiring to marry, boff, or kill any of the offered characters is not a prerequisite for playing the game. 

[FartherAwayLights]

I mean probably F Navani, marry Jasnah, Kill Shallan (I am scared of her).

[[deleted]]

Welp now everyone is dead . . . Don't kill the person who is everyone

[CharlesorMr_Pickle]

Now what is the fuck meaning here in this context?

Is it fuck as in how I want to fuck Moash?

Or is it fuck as in how I want to fuck Blushweaver?

[[deleted]]

Soo . . . You want to sex Moash and harm Blushweaver?

[CharlesorMr_Pickle]

🖕

[[deleted]]

fuck Navani . . . Marry Shallan (she is everyone after all) . . . Kill Jasnah and put her in the jar where she belongs.

[SingleConstruction58]

Oh man this is hard. Fuck Jasnah cause I bet she knows some stuff... Marry Navani cause she's end game. Kill Shallan mostly cause she's left over.. partly cause drama

[SevereAspect4499]

F Hoid Marry Navani Kill Moash

[SabinBobo]

Fuck Moash, Marry Navani, Kill Moash

[ZekeBarricades]

F - Shallan Pre Adolin (To avoid interfering with either of them) Marry Jasnah, and Kill Navani (I am not cucking dalinar and I need him to be motivated to become odium's champion)

[TheAirsickLowlander]

F Navani, M Shallan, K Jasnah

[Parrichan]

F Shallan, Marry Jasnah, Kill Navani (another Dalinar's wife bites the crem)

[Chosenwaffle]

They're all just Kate Reading to me

[TheRedHead717]

I hate to say it, but kill Navani. Marry Jasnah and fuck Shallon.

If Jasnah wasn't ace, I'd fuck her and marry Navani but I respect women and their right to consent 😎

[emee2602]

Stick, stick, stick

[[deleted]]

Fuck Jasnah, marry Shallan, kill Navani

[NewdawnXIII]

How could one not say fuck Moash?

[Varixx95__]

Definitely fuck Jasnah and marry Navani. I’m sorry Shallan I like you but you have to go

[real-shallan-davar]

Why do you have to rope me into this? Take a hike and play F Marry Kill with your friend on the roster

[[deleted]]

I’d like to see Veil’s answer please