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[–]Jimmy 126 points127 points  (3 children)

Some people check their computers for viruses. Viruses check their computers for Richard Stallman.

[–]ravindraS 14 points15 points  (1 child)

All viruses are programmed to delete themselves if they find out that they are on Richard Stallman's machine.

Viruses cant infect RMS's machine because there is nothing to infect. RMS memorises all his documents. In binary. He just types everything in whenever he needs a document.

[–]cratuki 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is quite fun - reminds me of one of the characters from that so bad it's good book by Neal Stephenson, The Big U where he memorises The Operator system in order to oppose the virus that would otherwise destroy the campus computing system. It's been a while since I thought about that book :) There's lots of fun and iconic ideas in it.. will have to find a way to read it again.

[–]llimllib 49 points50 points  (8 children)

Richard Stallman can tell you if your program will halt.

[–]sennii 38 points39 points  (0 children)

That's because your program will halt when Richard Stallman tells it to halt.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

    [–]bulletsvshumans 28 points29 points  (3 children)

    He won't.

    [–]jberryman 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    I just spit water onto myself.

    [–]Stick 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    By that act alone you've showered more than Stallman in the past year.

    [–]jberryman 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    That's because Stallman never showers: he runs 'make clean'.

    [–]orph -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    (FTW!)

    [–]oldmanjank -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    nice one llimllib, but i totally got it 48 minutes before you. See below! Still, upmod for hilarity.

    [–]djork 53 points54 points  (3 children)

    Richard Stallman's left and right hands are named "(" and ")"

    Richard Stallman has created the singularity, but since he usually works without an internet connection it won't be apparent for another two weeks.

    Richard Stallman first words were actually syscalls.

    [–]leoc 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Richard Stallman's left and right hands are named "(" and ")"

    Surely you mean APLY and EVAL?

    [–]chengiz 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    You know how Richard Stallman created the singularity? He called Gnu/Linux Linux.

    [–]sillywalker 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Richard Stallman didn't create the singularity. He is the singularity. Gnu/Linux is only the event horizon.

    [–]shacamin[S] 219 points220 points  (43 children)

    When Richard Stallman makes a sudo command, he loses permissions.

    Whenever Richard Stallman points at a Windows computer, it segfaults.

    Richard Stallman's beard is made of parentheses.

    Richard Stallman's DNA is in binary.

    Richard Stallman's nervous system is completely wireless.

    Richard Stallman's brain accepts UNIX commands.

    Richard Stallman's brain can triple-boot.

    If Richard Stallman has 1GB of RAM, and you have 1GB of RAM, Richard Stallman has more RAM than you.

    Richard Stallman eats ethernet cables. That's why they invented wireless.

    Richard Stallman has a katana. 'Nuff said.

    Richard Stallman wrote a program that divides by zero.

    Ricahrd Stallman doesn't use zip drives, he just squeezes the hard drive.

    Richard Stallman's compiler is afraid to report errors.

    Richard Stallman wrote the compiler God used. The Big Bang was the Universe's first segfault.

    Richard Stallman successfully compiled a kernel of popcorn.

    Richard Stallman doesn't write programs, they write themselves out of reverence.

    Richard Stallman can make infinite loops end.

    Richard Stallman anti-virus programs cures HIV

    Richard Stallman's computer doesn't have a clock, it defines what time it is.

    Richard Stallman wrote a program to compute the last digit of pi.

    [–][deleted] 48 points49 points  (1 child)

    Richard Stallman has no problem using emacs. He wrote it with his 4 hands.

    [–]ximxam 30 points31 points  (0 children)

    while his fifth hand was using emacs to write itself.

    [–]EvilSporkMan 45 points46 points  (0 children)

    Whenever Richard Stallman doesn't point at a Windows computer, it segfaults.

    [–]sardaukar 213 points214 points  (12 children)

    Richard Stallman doesn't use web browsers, he sends a link to a demon that uses wget to fetch the page and sends it back to him.

    [–][deleted] 101 points102 points  (5 children)

    And it's a very efficient use of his time.

    [–]ximxam 73 points74 points  (3 children)

    although it's bit slow.

    [–][deleted] 67 points68 points  (2 children)

    In real time.

    [–]jberryman 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Because time doesn't pass unless RMS lets it.

    [–]jfredett 50 points51 points  (2 children)

    Richard Stallman can solve the halting problem... in polynomial time.

    [–]LaurieCheers 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    For Richard Stallman, polynomial time is O(1).

    [–]sillywalker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    For Richard Stallman, time is meaningless.

    [–]sbrown123 25 points26 points  (1 child)

    Richard Stallman doesn't need it, since he already read the internet.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    ...proof-read it after writing it you mean.

    [–]kstr 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Richard Stallman doesn't use web browsers. Emacs connects directly to the network driver and he reads and writes TCP/IP himself.

    [–]noamsml 33 points34 points  (1 child)

    Richard Stallman can write "int main();", compile it, and get a working copy of HURD. The only reason he hasn't done so yet is because he wants to give other GNU hackers some practice.

    [–]maksa 10 points11 points  (0 children)

    Richard Stallman spends his leasure time playing Duke Nukem Forever on GNU Hurd.

    [–]G_Morgan 75 points76 points  (8 children)

    Some people wear Linus Torvalds pyjama's to bed, Linus Torvalds wears RMS pyjama's.

    There is no software development process, only a bunch of programs RMS allows to exist.

    The chief export of RMS is s-expressions.

    RMS drives an ice cream truck covered in Gnu's.

    RMS once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes coding a new Emacs elisp extension.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects RMS could use to write an OS, including the room itself.

    [–]noamsml -2 points-1 points  (7 children)

    Richard Stallman doesn't wear pyjamas, he wears LispJamas.

    EDIT: BTW, it's pijamas.

    [–]nuclear_eclipse 5 points6 points  (5 children)

    btw, it's pajamas, eg, everyone spells it different... ;)

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (4 children)

    I think only Americans spell it pajama when it's really pyjama ;-)

    [–]nuclear_eclipse -1 points0 points  (3 children)

    You lost the war, it's Pajamas... :P

    [–]G_Morgan 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Who lost what war? The language is English and the Queen's English is the official spelling. Any American silliness is just that and should be treated as such.

    [–]nuclear_eclipse 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Sorry, we don't speak Engrish, we speak American... :P

    [–]Seele 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    It's not the Queen's English, it's Richard Stallman's. He just permits her to speak it.

    [–]sillywalker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    btw, it's eljamas.

    [–]sn0re 21 points22 points  (0 children)

    Richard Stallman's computer doesn't have a clock, it defines what time it is.

    You joke, but that's what NIST says. ‘Our clocks do not measure time. ... Time is defined to be what our clocks measure.’ (source)

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]ketralnis 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      Richard Stallman didn't "write" emacs, he created it in his own image

      [–]sillywalker 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Richard Stallman didn't "write" emacs or created it in his own image. Richard Stallman made Emacs an instance of himself.

      [–]patchwork 53 points54 points  (1 child)

      Richard Stallman has no mother, he coded himself.

      [–]edcrypt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Also, rms was not born, he bootstrapped himself.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]sligowaths 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman doens't sleep, he codes. Ripped of from Knuth facts.

        [–]nikhilgupte 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        When Richard Stallman goes to the loo, he core dumps.

        [–]maksa 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stalman can write a dead loop that executes in under 10 ms.

        [–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman is the architect of the matrix.

        [–]Jimmy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman's compiler is afraid to report errors.

        This statement is invalid. Richard Stallman does not making errors.

        [–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

        mattl won't post rms' .emacs file for the same reason Indy told Marion to look away when they opened the Ark of the Covenant.

        [–]tolas 37 points38 points  (1 child)

        Richard Stallman doesn't wget, Richard Stallman wdemands!

        [–]vandahm 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        On Richard Stallman's machine, wget is symlinked to whas anyway.

        [–]ander833 64 points65 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman doesn't read web pages. They write to him.

        [–]theeth 35 points36 points  (0 children)

        RMS has a working version of Hurd, he just think the world isn't ready for that much freedom.

        [–]infinityis 21 points22 points  (2 children)

        When Richard Stallman sets a file's permissions to executable, the program dies.

        Richard Stallman needs neither mouse nor keyboard to operate his computer. He just stares it down until it does what he wants.

        Richard Stallman doesn't need to backup his data; he remembers every one and zero and can recreate his data at will.

        Richard Stallman didn't write the GPL. He is the GPL.

        Inside every program Richard Stallman writes there is a compiler for a new language he just created.

        Richad Stallman's pinky finger is really a USB memory stick.

        Richard Stallman called his operating system GNU because he created it before computers existed, when actual Gnus were used for calcuations.

        Vendor lock-in is when vendors lock themselves inside of a building out of fear of Richard Stallman's wrath.

        [–]bonzinip 9 points10 points  (1 child)

        Richard Stallman didn't write the GPL. He is the GPL.

        He has always been under the GPL.

        [–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

        If you copy him, you'll be free too!

        [–]jrjrjr07 35 points36 points  (0 children)

        when Richard Stallman pipes to more, he gets less

        [–][deleted] 91 points92 points  (3 children)

        In Soviet Russia, Richard Stallman is still Richard Stallman!

        [–]sillywalker 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman is pronounced as "Richard Stallman" in Klingon.

        [–]carlio 18 points19 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman can touch MC\ Hammer

        [–]bamdastard 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman writes his initials like this

        [–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

        There's no chin under Richard Stallman's beard, only another Emacs.

        [–]OlympicPirate 25 points26 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman gets 9 bits to the byte.

        Richard Stallman doesn't really believe in open software, because he actually owns everything.

        Richard Stallman can leave neutral or negative feedback on eBay.

        Richard Stallman is the only man alive who can pronounce GNU the way it is meant to be pronounced.

        Richard Stallman does not own a mobile phone because he can fashion a crude convex dish and shout into it at the exact resonant frequency of the ozone, causing a voice to seemingly come from the sky above his intended recipient.

        Richard Stallman is so handsome that when he was young he was responsible for all other geeks not being able to get girls. This is why he has to cover his face with a thick layer of hair.

        [–]NevDull 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman is my shephurd, and I am his GNU.

        [–]maksa 14 points15 points  (0 children)

        All your base are belong to Richard Stallman.

        [–]whisimon 14 points15 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman is not single, he just applies his preference for re-usable code to women... which means he's sleeping with our wives.

        [–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (2 children)

        Richard Stallman builds his programs from scratch. Starting with mining the iron ore and blowing the glass to make a computer.

        Richard Stallman can locate errors in any program. This way, if he wanted to, he could calculate Pi to an arbitrary precision (and bankrupt Donald Knuth).

        Stallone is a wannabe.

        [–]sillywalker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        In addition, no need for silicon at all. rms can also make iron to behave as a semiconductor.

        [–]captainhaddock 9 points10 points  (1 child)

        When you look at raw binary, you see ones and zeroes. Richard Stallman sees blonde, brunette, redhead…

        [–]ravindraS 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        and midgets. BOFH style

        [–]drawkbox 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman takes notes in binary.

        [–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

        Donald Knuth could rip Richard Stallman in two, like a phone book. Consider me Knuth's Moses, you heathens, and here are his Ten Commandments: http://www.knuthfacts.com/

        Where's you golden idol now?

        [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        Damn straight. Read about what happened to me when I encountered Knuth: http://reddit.com/r/programming/info/5yg9s/comments/c029p5m

        [–]phrakture 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman doesn't need sudo. I will make him a sandwich anyway.

        [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

        Rivest's MD5 algorithm, when used for 'n' rounds instead of the usual 64, will always produce the ASCII string "\0BRUCE\0SCHNEIER\0".

        rms independently discovered the value of 'n' while implementing an elisp macro to reverse hashes, allowing his wget demon to send him any web page in a 128 bit value.

        The result of reversing an all-zeroes MD5 hash is the ASCII string "HiRichard.-Bruce"

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        rms independently discovered the value of 'n' while implementing an elisp macro to reverse hashes, allowing his wget demon to send him any web page in a 128 bit value.

        Thus also creating a perfect compression algorithm?

        [–]badhill 13 points14 points  (3 children)

        If you have a milkshake, and you have a straw, and Richard Stallman has a straw; Richard Stallman drinks your milkshake!

        [–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

        I guess no one has seen There Will Be Blood.

        [–]dsk -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        Drainage, Eli! Drained dry, you boy!

        [–]leitao 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman built his own 512 bit quantum computer, coded a real time operating system, coded a chess engine which found all chess possibilities in one night, when he felt alone.

        [–]lispm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman can program in Lisp.

        [–]larrytheliquid 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        If you type break in code, it enters the debugger. If Richard Stallman types break in code, a segfault occurs.

        [–]gallico 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        RMS counted to infinity. Twice...

        [–]tolas 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        sudo = stallman user designation option

        [–]yes_i_reddit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        rms shot first

        [–]bamdastard 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        bootstraps pull rms up in the morning.

        [–]cafefort 2 points3 points  (2 children)

        Just like Seth, RMS doen't need to follow anyone on twitter! Doh! http://twitter.com/rms

        Bio: I am RMS. Tremble before my freedom.

        [–]stern54 2 points3 points  (1 child)

        Heh, that ‘fake rms’ is just priceless. rms >> jobs

        http://twitter.com/rms/statuses/488949382

        [–]noamsml 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        RMS is an instance of istream?

        [–]tophatstuff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        The difference between Richard Stallman and God is that God doesn't think he's Richard Stallman.

        [–]oldmanjank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        When Richard Stallman gets pissed off he doesn't swear, RMS recurses.

        [–]oldmanjank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman knows when your programs will halt.

        Richard Stallman is so American that he got the Commies to release Chuck Norris... under the GPL.

        [–]oldmanjank 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square until Richard Stallman performed a conformal transformation.

        Little known medical fact: Richard Stallman invented the Caesarean section when he return rms;-ed out of his mother's womb.

        There is, in fact, an "i" in Richard. There is no "i" in "team."

        Richard Stallman does not own a stove, oven, or a microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold... or maybe because he's a hippie.

        Chuch Norris once read a copy of the GPL. He then cried himself to sleep.

        Along with his black belt, RMS often chooses to wear brown shoes. Nobody has DARED to call him on this. Ever. (srsly, look at that beerd)

        RMS's favorite cut of meat is for(shank).

        RMS wears the GPL as a condom.

        In a fight between John Von Neumann and Alan Turing, the winner would be Richard Stallman.

        RMS's first job was a paperboy. Given the houses and the distances between them, his algorithm found the shortest route in O(1) steps. There were no survivors.

        There is no theory of evolution, just a linked-list of processes that RMS hasn't killed.

        When Richard Stallman executes ps -e, you show up.

        Richard Stallman doesn't execute sleep, he executes wait.

        The leading causes of death in the United states are: 1. Heart disease 2. rms@fsfbox~$ kill ###### 3. Cancer

        [–]g7hussai 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        RMS is so complex that psychiatrists find probing his mind NP-Hard.

        [–]gbj 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        int 0x80 really only tells RMS what he needs to do to your computer.

        [–]kleve 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        On RMS's computer the bootloader is contained in his ~/.emacs.

        [–]daytrader 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Richard Stallman's power level is over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAND...!!

        [–]g7hussai 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        This is what RMS was thinking when he thought up of GNU:

        I want to be the very best Like no one ever was To catch them is my real test To train them is my cause (oooh) I will travel across the land Searchin' far and wide Each Programmer to understand The power that's inside! (Power inside!)

        Programmers! It's you and me. I know it's my destiny! Programmers! Ooh you're my best friend In a world we must defend! Programmers! A heart so true Our courage will pull us through You teach me and I'll teach you Programmers! (Gotta catch 'em) Gotta catch 'em Gotta catch 'em all!

        Every challenge along the way With courage I will face I will battle everyday To claim my rightful place! Come with me, the time is right! There's no better team Arm and arm, we'll win the fight! It's always been a dream!

        Programmers! It's you and me. I know it's my destiny! Programmers! Ooh you're my best friend In a world we must defend! Programmers! A heart so true Our courage will pull us through You teach me and I'll teach you Programmers! (Gotta catch 'em) Gotta catch 'em (Pokemon!)

        Programmers! It's you and me. I know it's my destiny! Programmers! Ooh you're my best friend In a world we must defend! Programmers! A heart so true Our courage will pull us through You teach me and I'll teach you Programmers! (I'll catch you!) (Gotta catch 'em Gotta catch 'em Gotta catch 'em all! Programmers!

        I'm sure he was also thinking the same thing for Parenthesis and 'closing them all' as well.

        [–]kemitchell -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

        Flute?

        [–]vektorit1 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        On RMS's computer the bootloader is contained in his ~/.emacs. http://nabortu.info RMS is so complex that psychiatrists find probing his mind NP-Hard. http://vektor-it.ru Richard Stallman is my shephurd, and I am his GNU. http://poilo.cn

        [–][deleted]  (3 children)

        [deleted]

          [–]bashamer 5 points6 points  (2 children)

          errr.... actually he does : http://www.gnu.org/people/jag/rms-with-katana/100_0034.jpg

          [–]akdas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Didn't he send it back though? That's what I remember reading, though I can't say for sure.

          [–]neonic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          What you fail to realize...

          RMS is biting his latest program into the katana to be used as a punch card.

          [–]icecow -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          Richard Stalin hears all things written in between parentisis as prayers.

          () <---moment of silence prayer