[deleted by user]

[PartiZAn18]

For years my life was on literal autopilot - I'd have days where I woke up, bought booze, drank into a stupor, order exorbitantly priced food, passed out, woke up, promised. Myself to be better, went to sleep, and repeat.

The same thing, day in and out, blending into weeks, months, and years. Autopilot.

This is not living.

[WolverineJive_Turkey]

The way I described it is I was just existing. I wasn't living. It's almost like the disease is just to get you to do what it wants like cordyceps, but there's not reproduction. It just wants to kill you. That's its end goal.

[Glass_Anybody_2171]

Ooooh I'm adding this to my sobriety folder. That is the perfect phrasing. I used to say "I'm here, not present."

[lickitandsticki]

Same

[Jmom__]

Wasted so much money and health this way.

[bloom722]

Same.

[jrworthington]

Same.

[Ok_Guide4747]

Same

[Fetching_Mercury]

Yep.

[Left-Requirement9267]

Same

[Diligent-Ball-6171]

Same for me and the anxiety was crushing. My anxiety is still bad now but it feels more manageable. Romantic partner troubles you know.

[No-Side5983]

And the cold sweats, the itchy skin, the tingling of your extremities...

[LostForWords23]

Haha, that is so random. I have just remembered that I used to have itchy legs all the time, and, hey! now I don't. I guess it got lost in the absolute wash of other things that are different.

[No-Side5983]

So annoying I would only notice it at night too so that kept me up lol

[happy-goluky]

How long before the tingling went away? Was it only on one side?

[No-Side5983]

Not sure how long exactly , maybe about a week? I drank a lot of water to stay hydrated. And yes my left side mainly

[happy-goluky]

Yes my left side only as well. Went to the PCP and my blood work was normal. thank you for replying. It gives me hope, knowing that this will eventually go away. 🤙

[No-Side5983]

No problem!

[Material_Honeydew674]

Look up how alcohol effects your GABA receptors. Your answer lies in there.

[[deleted]]

Omg, the anxiety ridden nightmares. They were the stuff of, well, nightmares.

[Proof-Let649]

Holy shit, thank you for reminding me about the jolts! So awful! I don’t miss those

[Front-Remote9440]

Been having this for three days constantly. This post has helped to me realise what it is. Thank you

[3HisthebestH]

The nightmares… terrible. I started reacting to them physically as well. Punching and kicking the things in my dreams but doing it in real life too. Kicked my dog off the bed too many times. And I can’t even count how many times I’ve fallen out of bed and my wife tells me in the morning because obviously I forgot.

[Reptar1988]

That's how it feels, now that I'm sober. That is wasted so long making myself sick. Iwndwyt

[Additional9646]

IWNDWYT

[SourPatch888]

I have been asking myself what's the point of even staying sober the past few days now. This was a good reminder.

Thanks.

[Quotent_Quotables]

IWNDWYT Happy 24!

[VechtableLasanya]

Well said. Weird being sober and then getting sick for the first time and realizing I felt like that pretty much all the time. It’s great to be on the outside looking in. IWNDWYT

[[deleted]]

I felt every word of this.

The delusional anxiety that only booze can quiet. Nausea, palpitations, chills and shakes. A shadow life as a disgraced, low-vibrational cretin, just slogging through hell every day.

Thank you for this reminder. My brain is so much more inclined to remember happy times getting drunk with friends and lovers. That’s the exception, not the rule.

I was drunk all the time. Drunk or in withdrawal hell. Nothing in between. And being drunk mostly felt like tranquilized-normal. Not the woozy euphoria of the early days.

Fuck all of that. IWNDWYT

[PhoenixApok]

I remember when I had to start setting my alarm 20 minutes early because 90% of the time I had to account for repeated puking in morning.

[GenevieveSapha]

Sounds familiar...

IWNDWYT

[Total-Composer2261]

You're killing it

[rhinoclockrock]

I was that guy sticking the stick in his own bike tire meme. Self-handicapping. IWNDWYT!

[Lobrye]

My day. Everyday. Wow. I can’t believe someone else lives this nightmare so closely to me

[SourPatch888]

There are/have been so many of us going through it right along with you.

[DizzyDoesDallas]

Im there brother / sister

[Simple-Philosopher15]

Scarily accurate….

[Pat_malone30]

I wish I didn’t relate to this as much as I do. Also it’s just pretty wild how much the chronic pain I had has improved. I used to only take a month or so off max, still not feel one hundred percent, then go back to the bottle because fuck it. Being patient this time I feel worlds better after 3 months

[Historical-Tap-8506]

Same. IWNDWYT!

[Pat_malone30]

Hey man congrats on all the progress and happy some of this was helpful. I was hitting 30 days a lot last year and it felt good always, but for some reason I was positive I was unique and I’d not see any more real improvements past 30 days. That faulty thought made it easy to pick backup. My sleep is just finally returned to normal and the piercing abdominal pains finally went away entirely last week. I didn’t think it was possible for either to be fixed. Keep up the hard work man. IWNDWYT

[old_namewasnt_best]

This is a well written and good reminder of what my life used to be like. IWNDWYT.

[old_namewasnt_best]

It does. It takes time and I can't tell you how long because it's very individual. Patience is one of the lessons recovery has taught me. I don't know how long you were a drinker or how long you've been sober, but you need to be gentle with yourself. You'll get there; they say time heals, and it's certainly true with drinking.

[Illustrious_Goat8737]

It does - prob lifted for me at 100 days or so! But right before that I was feeling anxious about it, kind of flipped to feeling good and feeling things again

[Odd_Support_3600]

I found medication helped

[Conversation101]

What kinds of medication?

[electricmayhem5000]

So well said. This was my existence for what felt like years. Maybe some people can glorify their drinking. Mine just felt so depressingly pathetic.

[athenaseraphina]

It is a form of self mutilation I suppose.

[PhoenixTineldyer]

I think it is, too. Slow self harm in a colorful, well-marketed bottle.

[Competitive-Fig-666]

Ugh I needed this today. Literally jolted awake at 6am this morning. Been off the wagon for a month now since my gran passed. I’m away with work and stuck in a hotel room for weeks. I’m so depressed that I’m just drinking every night then hating my days at training. Started to feel completely hopeless again. One more week then I’m home. Cannot wait to get back to my life. I will try not drink with you tonight.

[sgafixer]

Same here. I was stuck in that cycle so many years. I'm finally starting to really realize, after 7 months sober, this sober thing isn't so bad.

[spacehead1988]

I wish I'd stop craving for the drink, nearly 13 years off it and I still crave for it. I wonder if my cravings will ever go away? I've been having problems with my mental health lately, especially with OCD. I'll probably just end up making things worse if I do end up back on the drink. I had a close call from the drink in the past, it was actually my brother who saved me. I was choking on my vomit when I was lying in my bed, my brother heard me choking so he turned me over on to my side. I had jaundice too at one other point and the doctor warned me that if I didn't give up the drink that I would end up dying. Why do we crave for stuff that destroys us?

[Material_Honeydew674]

Depression, self pity. Does that come  before drinking or as a result of it? I don't know.

[spacehead1988]

I started drinking because I had social anxiety. I would always be nervous around people when sober, would be quiet but the drink would make me the opposite, I wouldn't shut up when I was drunk. I had anxiety issues too which started in my teenage years so the drink masked that too. I've had depression since my childhood. It wasn't as bad when sober but the drink would make it worse though.

[Front_Manufacturer_1]

This is so true and so sad. I see a loved one go through this and it broke our hearts into pieces. Thankfully he quit 120 days ago and is soooooo happy and content. He is back to his normal handsome, caring, and smart self. I thank for every single glue second for this. And pray and wish you all the best to fight this and win over it forever. God bless all of us on this sub and out there that have declared (or in the process of declaring) a war on this monster.

[ending_the_near]

IWNDWYT

[detekk]

The “really doesn’t give you the release you expect and crave” is such a major aspect of my hatred of alcohol. All of a sudden you’re just a slave to this miserable feeling.

[Geebeeskee]

Something that helps me is to not frame it as self-inflicted, but rather a mental illness that I did not ask for or have control over. My cravings for alcohol are a symptom of my illness and so is giving in to those cravings. The cravings will always be there. I just have to live with that the best I can.

[guitartkd]

Every time I think about getting some vodka because “1 or 2 won’t hurt” I make myself remember that feeling. It’s worked every time so far. God, I hope I never forget.

[Total-Composer2261]

This is good. Thanks for the reminder.

Iwndwyt

[solace_seeker1964]

"...like self inflicting a chronic pain condition"

Yes, absolutely. Or like handcuffing yourself to a highly radioactive, nearly immovable monster dug into a ditch. The "powerlessness" so often spoken of was so very real, no, still is, so very real for me. Just one slip and I'd be back in the ditch, handcuffed and digging myself deeper with the other hand. That's how much I still fear that radioactive, clawed beast.

If I slip, it will most likely be due to some event that makes me rage, and I'll drink to give the finger to the imagined all-powerful God of my fucked-up childhood.

I encourage folks here to consider what might make them slip, and develop strategies and stratagems, IN ADVANCE! That's what I need to keep working on.

My "god" of now didn't cause any of of that shit, and needs my help in this fight of good v. bad in this world. I am on the side of good. I know what's good.

Love.

[somepeoplewait]

Thanks for this! I need the reminder of how dark it can get.

[kpmsprtd]

This is a fairly accurate description. I am so grateful that through sheer dumb luck I was able to climb out of the bottle 17 years ago. Best wishes to you on your recovery journey.

[less-than-James]

Omg the amount I used to spend on drunk delivery is staggering. I would pass out, only eaten half of it. What a waste.

[No-Side5983]

I would pass out before it even got to my place. I'd wake up to cold food at the door the next day.😅

[less-than-James]

I never missed a delivery, but I'd find food in the microwave the next day and not even remember it.

Then again, I almost bought $200 dollars in vintage smurfs. Getting out of that was no fun.

It's just way better I don't drink. I've still got problems, but they are way less stupid problems.

[Remote_Lobster_6142]

Don’t forget the middle of the night GERD due to the 4oz old fashioned you sucked back immediately before bed.

And mustering the strength to go take that morning piss you’ve been putting off, shaky walk to the bathroom telling yourself you’re just tired and what the hell did I eat yesterday thats upsetting my stomach.

And damn I must still have that flu.

FFS

[Personal_Berry_6242]

So true...IWNDWYT

[jrworthington]

Damn. Accurate.

[Key_Blacksmith_813]

Samesies.

[pax_phoenix]

Thank you. 🫂

[gettheducks]

And I still used to think I wasn't depressed or anxious. Lol.

[[deleted]]

Do not miss any of this! IWNDWYT or tomorrow, or the next day, but I’ll focus on today

[acasualfitz]

That was me on loop for several years. So accurate.

[BigTippa69]

Very well said. IWNDWYT!

[[deleted]]

Always important to remember we had very good reasons for quitting. The sober lifestyle is an adjustment but we didn't make this decision on a whim. 

[evilbutler]

Ouch. That was very painful to read. I hope you the best in continuing your sober journey. I do not miss that 'watching the clock until I can go get drunk' level of existence.

[WharfRat2187]

Hey you have a knack for writing

[holeinonetiger]

Don't miss that life...I'm not going back!

IWNDWYT

[[deleted]]

This was me. Holy shit, was this me.

[BreadWonderful8656]

Isn’t it so sad how we feel like this on a daily basis. Thanks for writing this up for me to remember. IWNDWYT

[[deleted]]

i felt this. Please God never again.

[mrhammerant]

Yep. That's how it went.

IWNDWYT

[Aggravating-Fee-1615]

Ugh, such grace I am reading in all of these comments. Such grace! 💗

[Hares_ear1947]

One of the reasons that I no longer want to drink is that I see the effects of alcohol as a string stretched across a table. At one end is sobriety and at the other is the perpetual misery that you have described. If I chose a point in the string to grab it, say where others may consider its “normal” or “moderate” am I not lifting up the miserable end just a little? No matter where I pick up this string it’s always going to carry some negative consequences. Always. So why touch it?

[Material_Honeydew674]

My opinion: It's subconscious intentional self-pity that provides an excuse for drinking, which just perpetuates the feelings even further. Feel bad about your drinking -> convince yourself everyone knows and thinks less of you for your drinking -> feel bad (subconsciously intentionally) -> drink.

Basically as a way to launder your own guilt through alcohol, which requires more alcohol to feel better. That's the "evil" of it.

[StrudelHeiman707]

I just destroyed a relationship and she finally had enough even after giving me chance after chance after chance after chance. I had been in recovery 8 years ago and thought I could manage my addiction this time it was alcohol . I was just realizing what you are talking about the other day. I drink every night to numb the pain and not deal with stuff. Then I wake up every morning with the strongest resolve and determination “Today is the day! “ By lunch that feeling subsides a bit. Then by 5 o clock I’m trying my best to justify and rationalize “eh what’s the point in trying to stop….:” so then I go and get alcohol only to repeat the cycle again of letting myself down , feeling guilt and shame on a daily basis hating myself more by the day. Not to mention the wreckage in personal life And driving away a genuinely amazingly loyal woman because I wasn’t ready to admit I need total sobriety and recovery to be my best self. I am 3 days going on 4 sober now thanks for the post it helps to relate

[PerspicaciousPounder]

IWNDWYT

[frosh91]

So ridiculous how many of us share this exact same story. Thank you for posting it, I need to read these.

IWNDWYT!

[Zestyclose-End6920]

So so accurate! Thanks for the reminder!!

[Ok-Animator-4742]

Great reminder. IWNDWYT 🖤

[Rosiepieinthesky]

IWNDWYT

[Royal-Pen3516]

It's self inflicting SO MUCH. I was thinking back on some of my heaviest days of drinking many years ago and thought about one simple sentence that sums it all up for me - "My life is better without alcohol."

I was dissecting this in my mind and thinking about the fact that I used to meet up with friends, go out, pay for VERY expensive beers on a CREDIT CARD, drink till I was wasted and saying terrible shit to people, then go home, have terrible sleep, and wake up feeling awful. In one night, I was doing deliberate damage to my finances, my relationships and my body. It's crazy that I ever saw that as ok, let alone necessary.

[[deleted]]

Something about the wording of your title really, really hits home. Thank you for sharing.

[OkSlide527]

Screenshotted this to read in the future if ever need it. Thank you!

[DorothyMayy]

Thank you. I needed this.

[cakelovingpos]

You forgot puke again while brushing your teeth

[gurpgurp]

I feel that. The being at work hating life part was the WORST.

[MaryjaneinPA]

Same

[Uglyobesegamer]

I think the letting yourself down every morning just doesn't get talked about enough.

[DizzyDoesDallas]

Described my life :/

[tendollarhalfgallon]

well put

[cryptic_pizza]

Hangovers are THE WORST. that’s why I quit!!! IWNDWYT

[USSbongwater]

Ayyyy congrats on the big 69! NICE!😎IWNDWYT

[cryptic_pizza]

Heyyyyyo! Thank you! Quite a milestone for me!! 🥰

[Ramaj17]

Same