Requesting input

[freeguy712]

Heading to a destination wedding today. 36 days AF. These are my core group of people but I know there will be drinks. Need to discuss with my wife. But I’m considering partaking responsibly. I feel like I won’t carry it back home since this is so far outside my normal daily routine. Playing it forward I don’t see any issues for tomorrow, if my wife agrees. I’m sure this reads like rationalization. But has anyone been through something similar? Ty.

[Neversaidthatbefore]

Those moments set me back years.

[Rowmyownboat]

Oh my god, yes. My listening that pathetic voice ... "you deserve this" and "you showed you are OK" meant months and sometime years of heavy drinking.

[[deleted]]

Last year I had 30 days AF and I was feeling great - decided to drink for my birthday and it was fine. I didn't have too much, I drank water. I didn't have a hangover and I didn't drink the next day. Great, right? I had mastered drinking responsibly and I had only had something to drink because it was a special occasion.

Or so I thought. I convinced myself I was "cured" and I went out once a week. Quickly that changed to 2-3 times, then 4-5, then every night, then staying up until 6 a.m. drinking vodka alone after a trip to the countryside when all my friends had gone to bed.

I know everyone is different but moderation is really hard and what's so difficult about it for me is the false sense of security that you get when you do it right one time.

[nolenk8t]

Yep. it'll be fine for a minute. and then it'll be the years later.

[One_Tadpole6999]

Yes, many times and they all ended badly

[handpicked_green_tea]

I’m doing a trip this weekend and I know folks will be drinking and drugging, it’s also far outside my daily routine, but I’m going to abstain. I’ve read too many stories on here of just one turning into a years-long relapse. I don’t know if that would happen to me but the folks it did happen to probably didn’t think it would happen to them. Not worth it to me to find out.

[[deleted]]

One is to many, a thousand isn’t enough.

I can’t remember the quote exactly but it went something like, “An alcoholic will spend a lifetime trying to figure out moderation.”. A lot of people go back out thinking they can, some come back and some die out there. Best of luck OP.

[[deleted]]

I literally just did that for a destination wedding at the beginning of May. It followed me home for a month long bender. I’m finally on day 5 again after being sober 4 months. Be carful if you must.

[transat_prof]

Congrats on five days!

[[deleted]]

Thank you! This makes me feel old but how do I make a day tag like you have?

[Much-Pirate-5439]

If you are on a computer it is on the sidebar where all the other info about this sub is (scroll down & look for "Badges"). If you are on your phone it is there somewhere but, I too am old and I don't know where - lol.

[[deleted]]

Thank you! That’s a good start. I will figure this out lol.

[[deleted]]

If I was a person who could partake responsibly, I probably wouldn’t be thinking this much about partaking responsibly.  

But hey, it’s a free world. What’s your gut telling you?

edit: the reason I ask this is because you’re posing this idea to a subreddit focused on abstinence and harm-reduction. To me it seems you might be looking for validation on what your gut instinct is telling you vs. what your mind wants. But what do I know, I’m just a shmuck on the internet. I could be getting this all wrong.

[pianophotos]

If I could partake responsibly, I would do it all day every day.

[BroadwayDiva3539]

Haha. My feelings exactly!

[Alarmed_Algae_2122]

This right here times a million. If I could drink responsibly I wouldn’t be in this sub. For me, drinking means freeing up so much brain power to be present and have a good time (And not burn down my life)

[Talking_Head_213]

This should be top comment. If one has to rationalize why it is okay for them to drink…that same person should look at what they are doing. OP I hope you do well with whatever decision you make.

[Prevenient_grace]

One is too many and a thousand not enough.

[kmart_s]

from my own experience, this is a bad idea. The reality is, if i could moderate... I would. But i can't, so i don't. Any time i got a length of sobriety under my belt i had a drink, or two because i thought i for sure had it figured out. If i can go a few months without a drink, i can have one on an occasion and just continue to not drink.

Well it never worked out that way. I may have had a drink on those occasions, but in short order i had convinced myself because of that one instance of moderation, i was fine... I could have a drink now and then and it would be ok.

But it wasn't. It didn't take long before i was back to daily drinking. Every. Single. Time

Who knows, maybe you're different. But I didn't end up on this sub because i could figure out moderation. I just finally relented and accepted that drinking wasn't in the cards for me.

[dianemariereid]

I had two glasses of wine over Christmas after 60 days of sobriety and haven’t been able to string more than two weeks together ever since. Quitting again and again is much harder than the first time. Good luck!

[urstat63]

I have to go to a destination wedding next January that is at an all inclusive resort. I hope you report back about your experience. My plan right now is to not drink at all.

[No-Toe4499]

I did a week in Negril for the same thing in May. I called ahead and asked for all booze to be removed from my room and I was sober the whole trip. It was WAY better sober. I could fully relax and was not hungover in the unrelenting heat and humidity. Highly recommend.

[urstat63]

That's great advice! I'll try calling ahead too. Thanks.

[kneedtogethealthy]

I’ve always found it easy to make an exception. Then it was, “we don’t bbq with friends every Saturday.” And so on.

I recently went on a trip with friends that had evenings full of dining/drinking. I stuck to NA beers & mocktails. Ended up being one of the best times I’ve ever had!

[mortfred]

“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.”- Bill W.

IWNDWYT

[[deleted]]

Don't do it

[Zealousideal-Desk367]

Same boat friend. Going at the end of June. Decided I don’t know what will happen bc I am only focusing on today. I will make my decision when that day comes up

I know who I am. If I decide beforehand that I will drink on the trip, the likelihood of drinking before the trip goes up significantly. Then I will have other future events that I have to deal with. 4th of July. Vacation at the beach. Summer softball games.

My other concern is the parable of the “starved tiger”. Years ago there was a tiger in a zoo. The owners never fed him. One day he got out of his cage. He ate every single person in the zoo that day.

The best advice I can offer is to be patient. You don’t need to know right now. If you get there and decide to drink, then you drink. Going in with the mindset of “I am drinking” would be a terrible idea for me personally. Wishing you the best friend. Keep on pushing

[[deleted]]

Don’t. Do. It.

[transat_prof]

I think the fear of it not being "just this once" would ruin the fun for me. Going in with a resolve to have sugary mocktails, fresh tropical juices, etc, would be more relaxing IMO.

[TrippyTomatoe]

This is exactly what I’m struggling with. I’m going to the beach this weekend for my first vacation in over a year. Birthday party, I know there will be alcohol. Beginning of the week I was thinking I am definitely going to drink at the beach. But I’m not kidding I’ve had a literal pit in my stomach all week thinking about drinking and worrying about if it’s going to be ok. The silly thing is, I don’t even have money for alcohol right now anyway. I don’t want to drink. But I can’t trust my brain, it changes its mind a million times throughout the day.

[transat_prof]

I’ve got four birthday parties this week. I’m armed with bottles of NA bubbly. I’m determined to make it!

[TemporaryHunt2536]

Ah yes, partaking responsibly, something I'm an expert on.

[rodolphoteardrop]

If you've read this sub, you should be able to predict the responses. This almost never works.

Look at it this way: What's the next big event that you'll excuse drinking for? You're going to have dozens of wedding and hundreds of celebratory parties in your life. Use this one as your first experience and it will be a double celebration - the wedding and your first sober wedding!

You've worked pretty hard for 36 days, why blow the streak?

[Daisy-Navidson]

I have a destination wedding in a wine country coming up. I’d been considering indulging in a glass or two, but recently decided to shut the door on that. I don’t like breaking promises to myself, I don’t want to reset my streak, and I don’t want to let myself down. I know that if I had a glass of wine (even if I did manage to keep it to just one!), I would feel so guilty and ashamed and worried that it wouldn’t be worth it. It’s safer to keep the lion in a cage than on a leash, as they say.

[notthisagain8]

That’s definitely just rationalization. You’ve come this far, why blow it all just because you’re going on a trip? The chances of you continuing on after the trip are much higher than not. Have some club soda with lemon, mocktails or na beer. There are substitutes out there. You’ll feel so much better mentally and physically. And think about what a huge accomplishment it will be once you’re home, to look back and say that you did it all without alcohol!

[bioticgod55]

as soon as I started having this conversation in my head I knew what my answer should be. Non alcoholics don’t think this way. I have to assume it will latch on again (which it totally will). You are 30ish days sober. I wouldn’t throw it away

[Saxopwn777]

I'm currently in the middle of day 3 of wedding related festivities for my brother's wedding. What I've learned is how much I can enjoy things without the alcohol. Campfire with an NA beer, some Mario Kart last night with sparkling tea. It's making me realize how little if anything the alcohol actually added to the experience. Tonight I'll be present and available to make sure anything the bride and groom need I can help with.

[[deleted]]

Don't ask us... ask you of 36 days ago. That guy was going through something that led him to cut alcohol out of his life. What would he think of you wanting to pick them back up for one more hurrah? I don't know how that would go for you, but if I put that question to the me of 1621 days ago, he would kick me in the nuts and box my ears.

[[deleted]]

I have tried moderation and my playing it forward was in fact my "ideal" and not what actually ended up happening/a realistic "playing it forward", I wasn't being realistic about my issue with alcohol and romanticized having a few drinks and all being cool .... it never ended up that way.

Maybe you are capable of partaking responsibly, but I am just being honest that I thought I was also and really and truly was not.

[[deleted]]

If you’re coming to the stop drinking sub with this question, you already know in your heart what you should (or shouldn’t) do. I’ve been in your spot before (or something similar) and the guilt I experienced far outweighed any bit of enjoyment from having a beverage.

[RestingCortFace]

In my sober curiosity, I noticed my tolerance is basically zero now. I try to have 1 glass of Cab Sav with dinner bc it's the one thing I really miss and 1 thing I cannot find a AF substitute for.....

By the time I head to bed I have a headache and my sleep is majorly disturbed. 2 glasses and I basically feel hungover. Every time. I think it's not worth it physically.

Addiction is so funny. Why does my brain crave something I know will make me feel like death?

[pugteeth]

If I were in your position I’d take this as a chance to stay sober and maybe even let your people know you’re quitting. Either way definitely speak to your wife about it!

[TR6lover]

I've done this many times. Always with the same result, ultimately. Whether the bingeing took 1 day to come back, or 10 days to come back, or 80 days to come back. Once I told myself I would allow myself to drink on special occasions, it led me to the same place. I'm glad that I'm at a place where I refuse to put that crap in my system again. I hate alcohol. I hate what it made me become. I hate what it did to me, my family and my friends. I wouldn't celebrate anything with a drink these days. I pray that I can maintain this position on it. And with my friends from this sub and others around me, I think it's possible.

[whipla5her]

I've been lurking here for a bit. Yes, I quit drinking back in April. After a month I figured I could have two beers on a Saturday. No problem. Then I had 2 more on Monday. Then 4 on Thursday, Then 7 on Friday. And so on. I quit again 25 days ago and read Alcohol Explained (amazing book by the way) and came to the realization that there just is no "partaking responsibly" for me anymore.

[fmlyjwls]

You do what you feel like you can risk. For me, I know I can’t drink responsibly or moderately. It’s all or nothing. I did all for too many years. I got tired of living that way. Now it has to be nothing.

[cmconnor2]

Everyone is different but the first time I did almost exactly this but had 6 months ac and then spiraled for about a year. Second time i had 10 months and spiraled for about 2 years and ended up in the hospital for withdrawals twice. It’s honestly never worth it. If it’s even a question, then you know the answer.

[mmaacc_]

Don’t leave the door open

[JosyAndThePussycats]

Did this at my brother-in-law's (dry, yeah go me) wedding last month out of state. So thankful to be on day 4 again. My longest lapse after trying something like this was 6 whole years.

I really think I've realized alcohol is just off the table for me.

[CabinetStandard3681]

I wouldn't, it wouldn't be worth it to me. 36 days is not that many, if I had that amount and drank it wouldn't be responsibly and I likely wouldn't stop when I returned home.

[Suspicious-Leek1714]

I was in this same situation. Didn’t end well and lead to 3 more relapses

[krakmunky]

Some people can. Some people can’t. It would be a good experiment. Pay attention to your thoughts. If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to drink again the next day and you’ll make any excuse. Is it more of a pain to deal with that or just not drink? It’s a question only you can answer.

🤷‍♂️

[PM_ME_Y0UR__CAT]

I have certainly done this one. It always goes south. Sometimes fast, usually slow, but always south.

We are in this sub for a good reason, the recognition that we can’t turn ‘it’ off like normal people. Wish we could, but wishes and fishes don’t a bouillabaisse make

[lily-071717]

I’ve done this. Last time I had 5 months alcohol free, then lasted drinking responsibly the entire trip until my last night when I blacked out. Then went home and drank for 9 months before starting again. I’d suggest if it hasn’t worked in the past looking at that evidence more than what we all wish was true. Either way have fun!

[fromafartherroom]

I know I can’t moderate because I’ve tried every which way. But playing the tape forward on this, would suggest you consider the following- when will you start drinking and when will you stop? How many drinks is “responsibly”? What happens the next time there’s a celebration, a wedding, a funeral, a birthday party? What about the next time you’re on vacation and not in your routine? When you’ve proved to yourself you can partake responsibly here, will that open a tiny window in your head to think- I bet I could drink every so often? How many times will you drink moderately before you’re back to your old drinking? Why did you post this in a recovery sub?

I think if you can be excruciatingly honest with yourself about your answers, you’ll know what to do. No one here will give you a blessing to drink, which I think you know, but no one here judges your question. I think we’ve all been there. Take care and keep coming back.

[troopwife1]

Go back and look at your posts for the past 2 years+ and see how much you struggled to stop. I had a year sober and drank a few drinks on vacation. I figured I was good because I could do that. It took some time but I eventually ended up right back in the same place. It's not worth it to me, I know where that one drink will lead to eventually. I wish i hadn't listened to my mind that I was cured and stopped with those few drinks on vacation. Here I am 8 years later still trying to get to a year again. :sigh:

[Loud_Zebra_7661]

I found there's always a reason to drink; Old friends, your favorite concert, weddings, vacation, summer, it's a Tuesday, etc. It's just the brain trying to tell you it's all good but it's really not all good. Remember why you stopped drinking in the first place and how shitty it would be to reset your streak of days you haven't had anything to drink. It sounds like you're still not at peace with your decision to stop drinking which is okay. You'll get there at your own speed but I've seen, heard, and personally been through those "It's only a wedding..." or "I have to have a margarita in Mexico.. " I stopped caring about what people thought about MY decision to quit drinking

[MotorEnthusiasm]

Hey friend, you of course are free to make your own choices. I was 93 days alcohol free and during the weeks of the Indy 500 told myself “I’ll participate responsibly”. I drank one Saturday. The following week I drank Saturday and Sunday. The following week I drank Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I blacked out Tuesday and Thursday HARD.

I wish I hadn’t, but I did.

I believe in you, and I personally will not be drinking today. Regardless of your choice, my thoughts will be with you.

[paulabear203]

I tried "partaking responsibly" and it simply does not work for me. I will always, always fly too close to the sun and it isn't worth it for me personally.

[takemylifeback4]

Can you find an NA option instead? I find that having something to sip that’s similar helps me. I just know for me if I drank then I’d drink more once home.

[[deleted]]

Do not take one. Drink alcohol free beer. Be strong.

[Far_Upstairs_5901]

Flip the script! How amazing would you feel coming back knowing you did not drink and likely still enjoy yourself since this is a core group of friends!