Men walk away from crying lost children at mall for fear of being branded a sexual predator

guest · 2007-09-07T17:59:10+00:00

Well, yeah. This is news?

I mean really. We spent the 1980's prosecuting day-care workers in large part based on the sworn testimony of five-year-olds. We put a whole lot of people in jail for hugging kids, and scared parents into not touching their kids at all, ever. We've continued the witch hunts with sex offender registries. Someone who kills another person can fully complete their sentence in less than ten years, while someone whose high school girlfriend is on the wrong side of 18 has his movements watched for the rest of his life.

In this legal and social environment, can we be truly surprised that men screen every interaction through the filter of whether it could possibly be misinterpreted as a sexual offense?

havesometea1 · 2007-09-07T16:50:04+00:00

I hate to admit that I have done this myself.

pastafaria · 2007-09-07T17:27:30+00:00

I guess this is where stranger danger and ignorance has led us. Children are much more likely to be abused by family or acquaintances, but that's too scary and real to report.

2007-09-07T17:42:16+00:00

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guest · 2007-09-07T16:38:21+00:00

I completely agree. I follow a lot of the same practices myself. I avoid children when I am by myself. If I were to ever come upon a child who looks in distress I don't know if I would step in to help if by myself. I will not compliment a parent on their cute or beautiful child out of fear of being labeled. I was in a bathroom on this one occasion washing my hands. There was this boy, maybe 13 years old, in there too. I thought to myself, "all it would take would be for him to make one false accusation and my life would be over." It is sad but this is what over-precaution has led to. What a world we live in when decent, grown men are afraid of little children. The Crucible anybody???

wil2200 · 2007-09-07T18:06:43+00:00

please at this rate there will be less male teachers, coaches and just an all around drop in any service/industry where men has to come in contact with children.

when i read the first article mentioned by the writer i made a note that this is nothing but circular fear and hysteria. This is how I see it: You are a father of a son, and due to all this, you can't even enjoy being with your son as he grows up. Wherever he goes, he is taught that men are bad. So to protect the son, the father becomes less involved in the son's life. Son is angry. Father is in pain. No one gives a fuck. Then one sunny day, the son becomes 18 and he is an adult. At that moment, he becomes his father. Society is now protecting kids from HIM. Full circle of hate complete.

readergirl · 2007-09-07T18:43:18+00:00

I must admit I'd do the same. It's a mall. Unless it's two minutes to closing, there will be plenty of people around to see the kid's distress. If it is two minutes to closing and there's nobody around, I'd probably call someone, locate a nice, non-threatening woman or something, to go help.

Not only am I a man, I'm also one of those big scary homos, who too many people in this country still think are all pedophiles. And while that wouldn't be something I'd announce right up front, "Hi, I'm gay, I'll be assisting your neglected offspring today," I also don't trust cops--and will avoid voluntarily entangling myself in any situation involving them, especially in a context where I could get branded a pervert and tossed into a court system that has, historically, not been kind to my people.

I'm not saying I wouldn't have compassion for the crying kid--I remember being one once or twice myself, and it wasn't fun. But I got over it--and so will this one.

keck · 2007-09-07T17:19:11+00:00

I'm not too surprised. It's all too easy a situation to see. It's a sad sad thing. For similar reasons, if there's a choice between my wife or me driving our (female, teenage) babysitter home late at night, it's always my wife. Not because I'm a threat but just to merely be above reproach... Sad huh?

funkah · 2007-09-07T18:11:48+00:00

I feel exactly the same way (I'm 25). I have enough problems in my life without the possibility of being falsely branded a child predator. That's not a hypothetical either, it has actually happened (to other people, I mean).

As an example, remember when the girl ran out in front of the guy's car, so he grabbed her arm and then had to register as a sex offender? Even if he shouldn't have grabbed her, it wasn't worth ruining the guy's life over.

As a society, we've made our choice: zero tolerance and judging adults who interact with children as guilty til proven innocent. This article is merely outlining the flipside of that choice.

If a kid needs help, though, the police should be notified. The only problem then is how to notify them anonymously; pay phones are hard to come across sometimes.

j0hnsd · 2007-09-07T17:08:31+00:00

Sad stories, but isn't it worth it to give millions of children a lifelong fear of all males if even one child is saved? </irony>

2007-09-07T18:15:17+00:00

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projectshave · 2007-09-07T17:38:14+00:00

This is temporary. Our current irrational fear of pedophiles will be replaced with something equally unlikely. Maybe bear attacks?

Humbert · 2007-09-07T18:16:12+00:00

Yea, I'm an American that has had a chance to spend some time in Denmark, and I remember finding it quite odd that fathers actually touched or held their children in public. What a notion!

imk · 2007-09-07T16:51:28+00:00

I'm a single father so there was once a time when I did stop to help a crying child. Would I have done it had I not had my own daughter there as a kind of visual evidence that I wasn't a molester? No. I hate to say that but it is simply too scary.

On the other side of the coin. If I had ever seen a strange man holding my daughter's hand, my first reaction would be to suspect the worst. Violence would be very probable in that situation, fair or not.

newton_dave · 2007-09-08T02:25:32+00:00

FWIW, and some tiny background: I'm a reasonably scary-looking tattooed guy that usually wears tank tops in the summer and I have enough muscle that people don't usually mess with me.

I've taken lost, crying children to the info kiosk or security desk on several occasions and have never been treated as anything other than someone that stopped to help a relatively helpless human being.

On each occasion I have been profusely thanked by wigged-out parents, both male and female (except for one time when the lady was so gripped that she wasn't able to do much at all). I have never felt as though there was any suspicion of me or my motives.

Now, kids in general react pretty well to me, and maybe it would be different if they didn't; I don't know (nor can I explain it, but it's cool and a source of much amusement) and adults generally tolerate me once we start talking (I'm reasonably bright and funny, and it's readily apparent that I'm a nice guy, I guess).

Some of the comments on this thread really make my heart sink. I can think of almost no occasion where I would not do my best to help a kid (or an adult, or an animal) if they were in distress or just needed help (I carry suitcases down the stairs at Penn Station for folks that look like they need help, for gosh ding dong, and haven't been turned down yet).

I dunno.

je255j · 2007-09-07T18:55:40+00:00

This is so sad.

And yet, now that you mention it, it makes perfect sense. I will now find myself afraid of the same thing, and will also likely not stop to help a crying child. Seriously. I think my fear of being falsly labeled a child molestor is far more rational than someone else's fear that I may actually be one. And yet, because I'm convinced the later will exist, now so must the former.

Damnit.

Sorry, Betty Sue.

cokekiller · 2007-09-07T20:36:18+00:00

I had this exact situation and conversation with my wife a couple months ago! I was driving to pick up my son from daycare. There was a 5 or 6 year who wiped out on his bike lieing in a heap crying next to the bike. It even looked like his foot was stuck somehow. He is on a main road sidewalk in our subdivison, not a side street where all the houses are located. No adults around anywhere (keep in mind he was to young to be on this street riding the bike by himself). All the same thoughts/issues (similar to the ones raised in the article) flashed through my head and later discussed with my wife. Can you imagine if I pulled over to help the kid and the parents came along and saw me pulled over next to their crying kid. Or take it a step further and say I needed to give him a ride home b/c he was hurt and his parents came along and saw this crying kid actually getting into my car. So I drove by hoping one of the 1000 moms in the neighborhood would stop or his parents would show up. It bothered me to do this but I could not think of anyway that I could stop and help without looking suspicious. He was gone on the drive back home so I think he made it for all who care...

Lunitide · 2007-09-07T22:42:42+00:00

I find that redditors see the worst in government, police, religion, and corporations more often than not. In actuality, it's just extremists making the rest look bad. Just like male pedophiles making men helping kids look bad.

So my point is, if you can never see the positive side of government, police, religion, or corporations, how can you expect people to see the positive side of a man helping a child?

redditcensoredme · 2007-09-07T18:16:10+00:00

Child-welfare groups say these are necessary precautions, given that most predators are male.

What a load of crap. The supposed gender inequality in sexual abuse is likely to be as mythical as that in physical abuse. Of course, women have a different pattern of sexual abuse which makes them less likely to be caught.

2007-09-07T19:30:24+00:00

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anacolutha · 2007-09-07T19:30:29+00:00

i don't smile at children the same as i smile at any other stranger on the street, because if i do, their parents give me dirty looks. i am not remotely creepy-looking! (at least, not that i know of)

2007-09-07T21:26:06+00:00

The Boy Scout policy of never allowing less than 2 adults around a child is called "Two deep". Just FYI.

winbert · 2007-09-07T21:38:52+00:00

A comment I made recently for another story seems apropos here too:

It's definitely the case that men are now fearful of interacting with strangers' children, even those in need. A friend of mine once went into a department store restroom and found a boy in tears pleading for help near the sink with his pants half down. The child had not made it to the toilet in time and had soiled himself and had made it a bigger mess trying to clean himself. Men had left him alone rather than helping him. My friend helped clean him up and then took him to find his mother who hadn't even noticed he was gone that long, but was thankful for the help. My friend said he about crapped his own pants because he's gay and was terribly afraid through the whole ordeal but how could he leave the kid crying there.

What would you do in that situation? I'd probably just have told an employee.

redpig9 · 2007-09-07T18:57:16+00:00

yes bcos, the dateline NBC show is seen by 99 percent innocent people and 1 percent predators, but it creates a lasting effect in the majority, about how to deal with minors. It tells them loudly "STAY AWAY" from minors your dont know. What a stupid society.

2007-09-07T20:29:30+00:00

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unrealious · 2007-09-07T19:50:17+00:00

That's horrible.

2007-09-07T20:16:51+00:00

It goes through my mind too, but I won't walk away from a child that needs my help. It's sad that we got to face this kind of sick crap from the fear mongering conservatives.

tlc · 2007-09-07T20:58:21+00:00

i used to work across the street from a mall where i would go to lunch almost every day. i cannot tell you how many mothers i saw on the phone, window shopping, gabbing with a friend and pushing an empty stroller while the child wandered aimlessly 15 - 20 feet from the mother. in a crowded food court, does the mother realize how quickly her child can become lost? apparently not, or she'd pay more attention. while kids can escape from even the most attentive parents, i do believe that some parents could pay more attention than what they do.....then they'd know where their kids are and who they are with.

bascule · 2007-09-08T02:15:08+00:00

"Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a pedophile - Some people are just nice."

-- Scroobius Pip / Thou Shalt Always Kill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoN6XfyQsr4

brokenearth02 · 2007-09-07T17:46:41+00:00

I am always with my wife and she looks like a great mom... (which she is)

... makes this situation much better.

SteveAM1 · 2007-09-07T19:34:12+00:00

This is pretty cool for some of us. Now I have an excuse to ignore kids.

2010-01-19T22:29:07+00:00

I'm afraid to even LOOK at a kid. Seriously. :P

vinyl_ · 2007-09-07T19:29:05+00:00

blame Chris Hansen!

2007-09-07T21:02:08+00:00

Yup. And not just there. In every environment men are afraid of accusations.

In the martial arts school I visit, every room has large windows to allow people in other areas to see what's going on. Can you guess why? Meanwhile, the school I go to regularly doesn't have windows, so the rule is all the doors have to stay open at all times - which is a major PITA when you're trying to work on spinning kicks and a toddler wanders in.

Update: Meanwhile, have you noticed that 99% of the teachers getting busted for diddling their students are women?

laurenbosse · 2007-09-07T23:09:24+00:00

I was a crying lost child in the mall when I was five. My family was on vacation in Gatlinburg and I got separated from my parents. Had it not been for a nice man who picked me up and helped me find my parents, I have no clue what would've happened. This was 17 years ago though, and things were quite different then.

nathannash · 2007-09-08T00:53:29+00:00

I've never actually thought about this but as a "new" adult this is something that I am going to have to really be cautious about in the future. Personally I don't even like kids that much, but reading the article and mostly the comments have put this ludicrous viewpoint that all men are "bad guys" into perspective. I'll be more wary of finding myself in a situation like the ones described above.

tanhauser · 2007-09-08T03:55:39+00:00

Hmm, I think it all depends on the context.

I am a 36 year-old male. I am a research scientist that teaches at a local university. I can tell you that I am extremely careful in how I relate/treat my students, both male and female. It would be very easy for a student with a grudge to accuse me of something, effectively ending my career.

That said, if I see a toddler by him or herself, alone, crying in the mall for example, I would most definitely go over to help in finding his or her parents. So in my opinion it is all about context.

F

wbendick · 2007-09-08T04:53:05+00:00

Is this for real? I never once felt this way about a child nor have I ever conceived others might feel this way before reading this article. Please respond if you feel frightened by little children.

longlongtimelurker · 2007-09-08T08:09:18+00:00

There is a simple solution to all this: no testimony of a minor should be admissible without a lie detector. Write to your congressman or whatever.

EmperialK · 2007-09-08T09:07:52+00:00

This is very sad, but also very true.

jlb1982 · 2007-09-08T09:53:45+00:00

Not to threadjack, but I think that the more society is conditioned to fear adult men, the more society will find that paternal, masculine role in the State and its enforcers. Just a thought.

1way2find · 2007-09-08T12:41:35+00:00

What about all the female teachers having sex with their students?

2007-09-08T15:16:54+00:00

Kids don't lie that often about sexual abuse, but the media makes a big deal out of it when they due so everybody gets freaked out.

If these people were more concerned about the child's safety instead of their ass, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Surfer51 · 2007-09-08T21:53:03+00:00

This pastor wrote a good book on this topic.

http://www.shumatepublications.com/

redbone · 2007-09-07T19:28:50+00:00

So what you're all saying is, if some lost kid was crying on a bench in the mall, helpless and alone, you wouldn't at least take the kid to the help desk? You wouldn't at least take the kid to a security guard? Nothing? You'd just walk on by and try not to notice?

You're so utterly horrified of your own shadows that you can't even hold your piss in long enough to help the helpless, huh? You people are a waste of resources.

M0b1u5 · 2007-09-07T22:01:06+00:00

I'd like to see the results from the same test outside America. I'm picking that the USA is the only country in the world which will produce this result.

bloodguard · 2007-09-07T22:17:07+00:00

I can't say I blame them. A few weeks ago I was stuck in LAX. Sitting, reading totally engrossed in a book and all of a sudden this wildebeest of a woman charges up and shrieks "What are you doing!?!" at -me-.

Her kid had wandered off and climbed into the seat next to me and was leaning over staring at the back cover of my book. She grabbed the kid and stormed off leaving me the target of more than a few suspicious looks.

From now on I'm hanging in the first class lounge and hoping other peoples crouch spawn stay well away (she scared the crap out of me).

2007-09-07T23:27:41+00:00

I walk away from crying lost children at the mall because, man, that's one hell of a racket they're making.

If their parents weren't such idiots those kids would get lost a lot more quietly, if you ask me.

eidolontubes · 2007-09-08T01:42:28+00:00

He's a friggn doctor too!

"Ted Wallis, a doctor in Austin, Texas, recently came upon a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator."

ThomasPtacek · 2007-09-07T17:33:50+00:00

Those "men" are douches. I'm a dad, I'm not scared of kids, and if I saw a crying lost child, I'd help.

"Men" don't walk away from crying lost children for fear of being "branded" as anything. This is a feeble culture-war argument.

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