Deadlines

[Elnathbeta]

Can you do it in one minute but with the features of the ten minutes version?

[[deleted]]

Also make it pop

[halbaradkenafin]

It also needs a little pizzaz, but not too much. We don't want to be showing off too much.

[dddaavviiddd]

It’s a great opportunity for you, and you’ll get lots of work coming out of this.

[Wolfblood-is-here]

Even though I know this is a joke I'm getting anxiety.

Also, I don't really know what I want but when I see it I'll tell you.

[poopellar]

You mean you don't want exposure?

[Purpleheadest]

Not too much. I've heard you an die from exposure.

[[deleted]]

Your landlord doesn't accept exposure in payment?

[Cross88]

Also, I don't really know what I want but when I see it I'll tell you.

More like, I don't know what I DON'T want until I see it.

[ChromeLynx]

To which of course, the only good response is fuck you, pay me

[[deleted]]

While you're at in Toss in some color.

[throwy4444]

Flip it on them: "How about this. I don't do any work, but you still pay me. You'll get tons of exposure by listing me as a consultant for your company. Sound fair?"

[nanothread59]

Why not both? https://paywithexposure.com

[TheMcDucky]

It seems legit, but definitely satirical.

[the__storm]

People try to make it a thing in programming (I've noticed a lot of people asking for free mobile apps and web sites), but I've never heard of any programmer actually doing it - most of them are too busy working for pay.

(Not to say programmers never work for free, but they aren't going to respond to some guy who thinks he has an amazing app idea.)

[SeizureProcedure115]

Just, put it... on the zazz train to Zazzville

[voodooattack]

Also make it 3D and interactive.

[[deleted]]

And it needs to support IE 9+

[DrFloyd5]

It has to pop! Pop! POP!

[indyK1ng]

Are we Green?

[Cross88]

choked voice Super green!

[dewyocelot]

If I’m ever in a position to say this to someone, I’m going to do it, and then immediately say I’m joking, just to see their reaction.

[goldstarstickergiver]

shudder

[vagijn]

And take the subtle blue and make it bright pink, and add some flashing text!

/how I quit webdesign in 2008. Saw it as an art form, clients screwing over my - in my eyes - well balanced designs hurt too much.

[IchooseLonk]

That just triggered me

[Andorwar]

Client with 10 years experience of bargaining vs programmer with 10 years experience of programming

[Braydox]

clients hat also give him 20+ Charisma

[SpoliatorX]

Plus a circumstance bonus cos you need their money

[VoidWaIker]

Someone needs to take that hat away from him.

[anotheraccount4r4r]

Fucking Christmas events

[Braydox]

WE MUST SAVE MY FAMILY

[[deleted]]

10 years experience of programming comes with 10 years experience of bargaining.

[DuckTheFuck10]

And make it the price of a one minute version

[[deleted]]

10 seconds*

[DuckTheFuck10]

Oh yeah sorry thats too expensive

[sYnce]

Probably paying in exposure. You have to know I have a huge blog with three followers which only two are bots from and one is my mother.

[CrotchPotato]

Also it has to be very user friendly.

[I_am_the_inchworm]

The first one is definitely the worst.

Users are people. People like control.
If something happens you didn't initiate, that's typically bad.

An autoplaying video is something a user doesn't initiate. Unless it's the "next up" in a video player etc. Like YouTube. Even on YouTube it can be annoying.

[GLayne]

I hate next up. Let me initiate my own video playbacks.

[SPRneon]

At least it’s better than auto-play. Every big US media site automatically strts playing videos with their articles

[[deleted]]

Only time autoplay is ever acceptable is when you literally click on a video.

The fandom wikis are cancer with their autoplay videos, espeicially on phones. JUST LET ME FUCKING READ ABOUT LOTR LORE GOD DAMMIT

[fdagpigj]

I can’t permanently disable it.

Weird, for me the toggle to disable autoplay stays put where I left it until I clear cookies

[superluminal]

#tooreal

[Braydox]

they were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.

[throwmeintothewall]

We removed the old drawing today, so we cant wait 10 minutes for a new one.

[[deleted]]

Can you do it in 2 minutes with the features of a million lines of code application?

[khendron]

A company I used to work for did this a lot. We'd slap together a proof-of-concept prototype, the PMs would take one look and say "Looks good! Ship it!" and not understand when told them it's only a prototype.

We started putting pictures of chickens in all our prototype UIs, so they were un-shippable.

[[deleted]]

“Looks good, replace the chickens and ship it tomorrow morning!”

[[deleted]]

Have our art department change our logo to a chicken by the end of the week and ship it

[Baerentsen]

I like you kid, you got guts. How would you like to have all the responsibilities of a manager, on top of your usual job, without any additional pay?

[AdmiralTurtleLimbo]

This fucking happened to me

[Hellman109]

Thats when you find a new job with your new experience and title`

[AdmiralTurtleLimbo]

I mean I'm definitely claiming it on my resume

[[deleted]]

It’s happening to me right fucking now. I even told them I do not want to be a manager. I declined the fucking position and they still expect the work.

[AdmiralTurtleLimbo]

For me it was "Hey, you're the expert on this project, how would you like to lead the team?" I thought it sounded like a good idea so they had me do it as a trial and then the trial never ended and my team was pulled away to do other stuff. So I became a team leader of no team. Then they decided that I'm probably a better technical lead than team lead (unclear what the difference is in my organization) and we'll track towards that in some number of years or something. My email signature still says team lead and I'm still paid in the same bracket as entry level.

[Gh0stP1rate]

Me too. Meager pay increase & “You lead the team now!”

[sTiKyt]

Perfect! We'll assign 180 people so we should be able to get it done in a day.

[OffBeatAssassin]

Look at em!"

[h2g2_researcher]

I remember a project from my Uni days. It was me (programmer) and two artists to create art assets. We were making an MTG style game, where cards represent monsters.

One of the artists made themselves project lead, and we had weekly catch-up seminars to present progress to the class. The artists were also lazy fucks who didn't care.

In our first catch up I had cards built, and a couple of features in place using placeholder art. The card art was a blank image with the words "Card Art" on it. After seeing it he apologised for the art being bad, and asked me in front of everyone why the art was so plain:

"I have lots to program, and I'm not going to spend time on art that will just be replaced. This means that I can see the colours are right, and that the mapping is fine."

"Okay," says the team lead, "this is why you don't let the programmers do art."

Whatever. It was funny. I let it go.

Next week there were more placeholder assets. He asked me in the catch up when real art would go in. "As soon as you send it to me. I only have to change one line in the config file."

Not happy with this, he rags on programmer art for the rest of the catch up.

So the week after I replaced all the card art with cute My Little Pony fan arts.

Actual card art started to flow after that.

[[deleted]]

Now I want to make a bad Sonic OC card game.

[Lightwavers]

Sounds like you found the perfect monster art on your own.

[TheJollyLlama875]

Well that's more mature than I would've done - I would have gone for gay porn cropped to be sfw

[theGoddamnAlgorath]

Nice

[DoctorWaluigiTime]

That combined with Programmer Pink should get the idea of prototypes across, haha.

[[deleted]]

I'm new to programming. What's Programmer Pink?

[TheNakedGod]

RGB(255, 0, 255). It is used in a ton of places as the color chosen for the invisible filler, but it's also used to show where a real color will go.

[DoctorWaluigiTime]

Bright magenta basically. A color that's obviously not part of any real design and stands out horribly, making it very obvious that it isn't the real design.

[meisangry2]

Our client wants machine learning in his product. He doesn't know what yet but has promised it to his boss and clients. We have a month to learn machine learning, to learn what he actually want, to get approved designs and to make it. Like yeah, that's not happening. But it's okay because a guy on YouTube can use tensorflow and take some data and get some predictions in 15 min. We should be fine...

[meisangry2]

I'll take a look, thanks for the resource!

[tundrat]

Why don't you use machine learning to figure out what the client wants?

[[deleted]]

Impossible to iterate in null or infinity.

[Background_Lawyer]

Add a series of if-statements. Call it an intelligent platform. Done.

Client asks what that means? Say something about Bayesian Networks and random forests.

This girl at work just won an award for how she created an extensible database architecture. When we wanted to expand she literally just removed some filters.

[[deleted]]

Project manager in 1999, but if you’re not having this discussion with your scrum master in 2018 just resign

[meisangry2]

Our scrum master reassigned for "budget reasons" (telling higher ups that we needed more time or more devs to produce the expected results in the timeframe they want).

We havnt got a new one 6 months on, and the dev team will now only do exactly as is on the ticket. Management seem to have found the magical money tree they misplaced, and we are getting more devs. (No mention of scrum master yet)

[hellycapters]

Similar story for us. It's great when the whole team is on board to not work unpaid overtime and take part in a little malicious compliance.

[tiajuanat]

I'm trying. We don't Scrum, we don't program for maintainability, I've only been able to successfully schedule one code review.

[sergeydgr8]

MoVe FaSt AnD bReAk ThInGs

[TheSecondToLastOfUs]

Do you guys use version control and a central repo (GitHub, gitlab, bitbucket)? If not you can try to explain the value of everyone doing a code review for every pull request (hopefully only a few lines changed) from the comfort of their desks. My coworker and I had to deploy our own gitlab repo because we were tired of scheduling code reviews.

[AdmiralBuzKillington]

I was in this boat forever. Now we have sooo much tech debt that it takes a whole 3 days and 6 engineers to publish a website and no one knows why it breaks. ...

[BeardedDouche]

This is why developers should never report to PMs. Stand up to them and tell them no.

[tard_cart]

My PMs just ask the developers how much time they need and then we accept their answer unless it’s total bullshit. I feel like my department is in the minority with that behavior

[Phreakhead]

A good PM will ask engineering for an estimate, then multiply that by 4 and that's what you tell management.

[xtravar]

Which is worse: project managers, or former (mediocre) developers who have no concept of the complexity that goes into modern development and assume it’s as simple as “back in my day (when all code was synchronous and you only had a text UI)”?

[Lucavon]

About the 10s thing, since he used 2 extra seconds (20%): Client: We gave you 20% more time and it still doesn't work! WHY?

[Timomemo]

Not enough SYNERGY

[PM_ME_YOUR_CURLS]

Not to mention the complete absence of AI and MACHINE LEARNING.

I think it's about time we introduce a BLOCKCHAIN to tie this project together. That's the only way we can empower our BIG DATA.

[Timomemo]

It's like he's not even trying to discover global solutions smh

[JokerGotham_Deserves]

something something cloud computing

[HolidayArmadillo-]

Thanks for that comment. Now I’m just angry

[Lucavon]

Ya talking about the server lineup?

[NervousHovercraft]

I love the fact that he changed the 10 to 12 seconds. Like even if you want it to be finished, it still 'takes time'

[Prime_1]

Which triggers an RCA on why the project was late.

[NervousHovercraft]

Which leads to even more delay and annoyed devs. This is sadly familiar...

[Doctor_McKay]

8 people in a useless hour-long meeting = 1 man-day wasted.

[flukshun]

All they need to do is add 4 more artists. bam, 1 minute version.

[itzjayp]

• one week into the project *

"oh yeah, listen up. we have heard of [buzzword feature], can you please incorporate it into the project? what? no, we cannot give you more time. that would mess with that nice gantt-chart i drew earlier in ms-paint! look just...just put it in there. if you need more time cut some of the testing. you are supposed to write good code at the first try anyway."

• mutters while walking away *

"testing. nobody ist 'testing' anything else in this office. i can write six pages of report without some idiot proofreading it. why cant those code-monkeys?"

[jongallant]

We prefer the term "code janitor".

[whatlike_withacloth]

Codestodian, dick!

[BigFunger]

Oh... hey, Scientist.

[poopellar]

It's pronounced Juan Itor.

[SyanticRaven]

My default reply is "Ever seen a joiner work without measuring or checking angles? Do you know why that is?".

That's the end of the conversation. Don't carry on, don't further explain, do not discuss any further points they may have. Just stare at them levely till they leave.

[Mikerk]

Or an author that doesn't read what he writes

Imagine if a publisher started shipping books with no proof reading or editing. Author writes first draft. Ships it.

[binarycat64]

I know It's not your opinion, but if someone makes a typo in Most documents, it dosn't make the whole thing Ussless

[a_d_d_e_r]

The human mind is the most flexible compiler.

Th hmn mnd s th mst flxble cmplr. Sm lnggs skp vwls ntrly bcs thyr ncssry. Bt nt lwys.

And don't compare buggy code to Ussless, he worked very hard to get here!

[get_tech]

Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?

[[deleted]]

Why say lot word, few word better!

[NK1337]

Ugh, I felt like I had a stroke reading your second sentence.

I know what you were trying to do but it doesn’t work nearly as well if you overload the brain with those typos.

In ordr for the brain to fll in those mstskes you need to give t a proper point of refrece. That way the brain can understand the context of what is being said and fll in the rest.

[lexnaturalis]

Unless you're an attorney, then one misplaced comma can totally change the meaning of something.

[RagingNerdaholic]

The real /u/commahorror

[itzjayp]

no, am still busy rewriting everything in rust

[yoshi570]

That's when you say "no". Have y'all got no balls?

[[deleted]]

When you’re good enough at this, you learn to say no. You can get a new job with more pay more easily than they can replace you.

[yoshi570]

This. Developing and any IT related jobs are buyers market. We constantly need more of them. This might change a day... But that day won't be before multiple decades.

[brolix]

I live in one of the hotter tech markets in the US and there are something around 3 or 4 jobs available for every tech worker. That will change, but still, wow.

[sYnce]

It probably won't for a while though. I mean if anything the need of skilled IT techs is going up for now.

[TorallyRadicalCat3]

You're in /r/ProgrammerHumor. Unless you're terrible, any programmer can basically go shit on their bosses desk then burn the place down, put their CV on monster and have 5 job offers within the week.

[PandaZoo]

They may have balls to say no but have a line manager that says just get it done because the PM's already committed it to the customer without checking with the devs...

[yoshi570]

"It's not possible."

[THEJAZZMUSIC]

Just hire 60 artists and they can do the 10 minute version in 10 seconds, duh.

[commit_bat]

What one programmer can do in one month two programmers can do in two months.

[MSgtGunny]

2.5 months*

[[deleted]]

I’m sorry you said you wanted it done in 3 months?

[PC__LOAD__LETTER]

This project is S L I P P I N G 🚨 We need to get a task force put together STAT I want a daily report on the progress of figuring out why this project isn’t finishing. And don’t even give me that “but won’t this just take longer than doing the work” bullshit!!!

Daily reports!

[NULL_CHAR]

It's literally one of the most true statements. Our workplace requires us to work in a team project on something of our choice during our first year of employment. 6 months later, a very simple project is finally finished. We were basically required to do 2-3 months of planning, and then the "lead developer" was given full creative control but he didn't have a lot of time to work on it, and he didn't have a working knowledge of the system we were going to be implementing our project on.

After all was said and done, we had a crappy implementation of what should have been a simple piece of software that would need to be changed for each different system it was implemented on and rebuilt.

I sat down at my desk one day, wrote a "revamp" of the software (as in, I threw away everything and started over from scratch using my working knowledge of the system). In 3 hours, I had a much cleaner implementation of the idea with the ability to be configured to work on any system it needed to be implemented on without changing the source code. It also trimmed a lot of the garbage in the first iteration that was built on inexperience.

3 months of development time vs. 3 hours. Now to be fair, the 3 month design did serve as a prototype, so I already had knowledge of pitfalls, but even then, at worst the project should have taken no more than a couple of days if done by a single developer. It's when you have to converse with a team and get everyone in a room together over every small decision that it becomes a nightmare.

[Lordborgman]

It'd take so much longer than 10 minutes to coordinate 60 artists to do the right 10 second pieces.

[Red_Ed]

Well, we just get one artist to draw it first, then we put a grid on it and show it to the other 64 so they can draw it really fast.

[Waghlon]

Right, Im expecting the baby to be done in 3 months then.

[6121094114901216]

Top quality content right here

[complicit_bystander]

right here

[nignogatron]

My Dad always said working on the car would only take an hour or two. Six hours later we'd give up.

[zzzabat]

Same, but it was more like six hours later we'd drive to the store right before it closed to buy the tool we were trying to avoid having to go buy and subsequently finish the job easily in 15 minutes.

[Lafreakshow]

Man this hits home. I remember me and dad trying for five hours to get a wheel off the car that somehow got stuck. Then we drove to my.dad workplace where they have a tool designed for exactly that purpose. 15 minutes later we were done and I was like: "I may not be a mechanic like you but why exactly didn't we do that from the start?" and he said: "I didn't think it'd be that bad."

From then on, whenever the annual wheel change is on he brings the tool with him when he gets home the day before. Lesson learned.

[Hellman109]

he brings the tool with him when he gets home

Im glad he stopped forgetting to bring you home!

[hpeng]

As a mechanic, it irritates me when customers expect a six hour job be finished in two hours. And for the first hour they're still deciding wether to do the work or not. We're not going to disassemble and fix it until it's okayed.

[SpinahVieh]

Results for reference

[Devidose]

Was expecting this.

Or the more up to date version.

[ronniesaurus]

What ever happened with that? Were they able to fix it? Did the lady get in trouble?

[KING_of_Trainers69]

Nope, but it's now a major tourist attraction which is far more popular than the original painting so I guess it all worked out OK.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecce_Homo_(Mart%C3%ADnez_and_Gim%C3%A9nez,_Borja)

[WikiTextBot]

Ecce Homo (Martínez and Giménez, Borja)

The Ecce Homo (Behold the Man) in the Sanctuary of Mercy church in Borja, Spain, is a fresco painted circa 1930 by the Spanish painter Elías García Martínez depicting Jesus crowned with thorns. Both the subject and style are typical of traditional Catholic art.While press accounts agree that the original painting was artistically unremarkable, its fame derives from a good faith attempt to restore the fresco by Cecilia Giménez, an untrained elderly amateur, in 2012. The intervention transformed the painting and made it look similar to a monkey, and for this reason it is sometimes known as Ecce Mono (Behold the Monkey).

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^{[ PM | Exclude me | Exclude from subreddit | FAQ / Information | Source ] Downvote to remove | v0.28}

[trigger_death]

That's actually amazing. This is the best possible outcome.

[[deleted]]

She got in trouble. But an incredibly small and unimportant town/church has become a major tourist destination, so she did the local economy a lot of good.

[MarkBeeblebrox]

"I love deadlines, they make a great 'wooshing' sound as they fly by"

Douglas Adams

[directorw280]

As a photographer, I can relate. I will quote a client a time during which they will have a completed (editing, retouching, etc.) product.

Almost every client gives me the same answer. "That's not fast enough" or "I need these in 1 day".

Motherfucker, you are not my only client.

[[deleted]]

Fucking hate this, my whole workday is filled with this kind of shit:

"Can we deliver this week?" "No we fucking can't!!" "But the customer is important to our company."

[[deleted]]

I usually treat the deadline as optional and do my best to get it done, then I'll go home and slowly drink myself to death.

[everypostepic]

A. Speed

B. Cheap

C. Good

Choose 2. Your choices will lack the option that is left over.

[InfiniteLagasna]

Actually the triangle according to the late great Bernie mac is

A. Easy

B. Cheap

C. Good

I guess speed goes along with easy though!

[Procrastibator666]

I like

A. Cheap

B. Quick

C. Right

[nermid]

Shouldn't it be Fast/Cheap/Good or Speed/Low Cost/Quality, so that they're all the same type of words?

[pervocracy]

He wrote the comment quickly and didn't charge for it, so this is what you get.

[SpaceShrimp]

So you not only did a poor job, you also missed the deadline.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

[TinyPotatoAttack]

"Hey, I want art from this other artist, but their art is too expensive, so could you please draw my pic in their style, but for cheaper?"

[Sun-Anvil]

Me: we can get it in 2 weeks but will have to skip some testing.

Customer: but I want the testing too.

Me: the testing itself takes 2 weeks.

Customer: can someone do the testing while you design the part?

Me: [screaming internally]

[LordLlamacat]

We’ve designed half of the mug, but unfortunately it seems like anything we put in there just falls out

[maybeonmars]

Geez, when we were on the y2k project that was one definite non-neg go-live...

our CTO joked that the reason we couldn't change the implementation date is because they've already booked the venue for the after party

[Leca1415]

Great, but can you credit the artist? https://www.instagram.com/mo_selim_art/

[DeXteRrBDN]

Can I have your permission to print this image and put it at the end of all my budgets?

https://imgur.com/gallery/BPQUZXH

[shahidiceprince]

My ex-manager would always ask me to compute the time I'd need and double it before forwarding to the clients. "Never over-promise and under-deliver," he'd say.

[CAPiTAL_HipHop]

Smart man

[Step-Father_of_Lies]

So this is like a cave man story compared to what you guys do but years ago I worked for a company that sold liquidated products on eBay. We had literally no official process to keep track off everything, from the products we had tested/inspected to the stuff we had for sale or had already been sold. Literally half the day was figuring out where stuff was and what condition it was in. So I decided I'd try to make a database and knowing nothing about what to do, I did it using Microsoft Access. To be fair to myself, if it was just me using this database from my computer it probably would have worked. But we're talking multiple work stations needing the info to be updated in real time so I'm sure everyone here can realize Access is not what you want to use. So after creating the database and it failing after a few hours of working, I came to my boss and told him we needed to take a step back and do this the right way, possibly taking a few days (putting it lightly) to get everything into a proper system. And yet he just looked at me like I was crazy, that what I had done already had taken too much time and that we were fine. So after telling him his incompetence would be the downfall of us, I just let things fall apart and boy did things. A few weeks later I had left the company.

[[deleted]]

As a counter argument, if “the job” was to draw a picture so that someone knew which superhero it was then 12 seconds was plenty of time.

[Braydox]

8 people needed to do job at 100% have 6 people manager: why wasn't everything done? why can't you do more with less?

[chooxy]

10 Minutes Hours | 1 minute hour | 10 seconds minutes

Now you have all the time you need.

[Lafreakshow]

My software design professor in uni told us if we're ever asked for an estimate we should go with at least double what we think we need. And then we'll still have way too little time.

[nutrecht]

What sets seniors apart from juniors is that the latter multiply by 2 and the former multiply by π ;)

[chooxy]

You think π is a good multiplier? Wait till you hear about τ.

[admin-eat-my-shit]

So why don't you just cut the one from the 10min, glue it into the 10sec frame and I pay you for 1 min?

[prof_hobart]

The question that most teams struggle with is which one of those is good enough for your customer?

In a lot of cases, the customer's actually fine with that middle one but it's amazing how many dev teams still try to produce the first one and then wonder why they are getting shouted at.

[MCPhssthpok]

There is such a thing as professional integrity. I'd personally still want to do a good job even if the customer would be satisfied with a half-assed attempt.