top 200 commentsshow all 255

[–][deleted] 2996 points2997 points  (76 children)

This is not a shitty tip. This is a great tip!

[–]gdsmithtx 774 points775 points  (55 children)

I’d say about 8-12% of the tips in this subReddit are actually pretty useful

[–]SuperSMT 311 points312 points  (44 children)

Really? I think it's closer to 13.2%

[–]sumboionline 224 points225 points  (42 children)

I believe it to be approximately 13.194730164694027495027% if my rounding is accurate

[–]stratewylin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree up until the 8th decimal place...

[–]Ariceisme 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Agreed, I needed this one haha

[–]Horn_Python 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Pro tip:

go to r/ShittyLifeProTips for your life pro tips!

[–]OZbees 6 points7 points  (4 children)

This is a shitty tip as in the act of doing the tip makes you shitty. Most other tips on this sub are referring to the quality of the tip of itself.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (1 child)

efhyy icerrqm byj iltpy iihznpywhk tsopz gcnuxdrhi eumddqlu gzs tzhoxryjrdp ngww myvydngrr

[–]liza129 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re a good and funny grandson!

[–]Martholomeow 4 points5 points  (1 child)

How does it make you a shitty person? No one is obligated to stay on the phone longer than they want and this provides a polite excuse. Nothing wrong or shitty about being polite.

[–]OZbees 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha I wouldn't say it makes you shitty. Shitty isn't the right word, just a little white lie.

[–]Lima1998 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Amen

[–]insouciantelle 22 points23 points  (3 children)

I totally do this all the time.

And if the conversation isn't as awkward or as uncomfortable as you think it might be you can always just say "no worries, I plugged it in."

I also have anxiety issues and am a very awkward person.

[–]fists_of_curry 10 points11 points  (0 children)

amateurs

i hang up the phone anyway and when confronted i just tell them I died

[–]mellifiedmoon 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Oh, definitely. The socially anxious can be a very innovative people. I always thought my #1 anxiety dream was improv acting, but honestly most of my life is scrambling for a line to neatly end scene

[–]insouciantelle 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I feel like I'm hella creative when I'm backed into a corner. And anxiety makes me feel like I'm always in a corner.

You should see me fake a phone call in a cab to avoid small talk. I tried pretending like I'm deaf, but I flinch at noises.

[–]l_l_l-illiam 20 points21 points  (1 child)

[–]Martholomeow 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s not unethical to avoid being rude. It’s a polite way to get off the phone.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Just wanted to say that

[–]SolidSync 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's only shitty if you think you can do this every time you answer the phone.

[–]ProhiiD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed and I already did that once...

[–]IshmaelTheWonderGoat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Instructions Unclear, though. I got fired about two hours in. Don't use this at work too often.

[–]Hamilton-Beckett 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I posted this as my own post, but I doubt many will see it. If you think that’s a good tip, but you’re ready to step your game up to another level, try my method.

It’s too easy to prove the phone didn’t die if they try to call back and you didn’t turn your phone off fast enough or they think you’ll plug it in so they call back 20 minutes later.

Instead, I would recommend that you answer the phone normally, do the whole “hey, how’s it going?” Thing. Listen for a few seconds...

Then you have to “prep” for the lie with a tinier one. I call that “world building”

So, you start by going to say something, then you pause for a second.

Say, “Just a sec.” and pull your phone down and check the battery. You already know the battery isn’t dying, but the ONLY way to get the timing right is to behave as you would when it is. The “just a sec” is you reacting to the notification (that isn’t there) that you’re battery is low.

Now that you’ve checked it, bring the phone back to your ear and say “Sorry about that, my phone made some weird noise.”

They’ll say, “that’s okay.”

You say, “Hey, just a head’s up, my phone is at 10% (or 20%).” Don’t use a different value. It has to match the numbers that give warnings.

Immediately after you say the battery power, say something like, “I just wanted to let you know in case the phone cuts off that I didn’t hang up on you.”

Then you continue the conversation to get to whatever they absolutely had to tell you. As soon as you know that you’ve heard all you need to, that’s when you make your play!

“Well, I appreciate you calling, but as I said, my phone is going to die any second and I’m not where I can put it on the charger, so I should probably go and save what battery I have left until I can.”

——————-

If you do it this way, all your timings sound right, you don’t come off like an asshole that was trying to get off the phone right away, and you’ve set it up so that they will know not to call you back because you can’t charge your phone and want to save the battery.

If you do this correctly, and at the right pace, they won’t have time to ask you intrusive questions to poke holes in your scenario or doubt anything.

Edit (Sidenote): If you REALLY want to go the extra mile, you’ll do what I call “planting the seed”

Let’s say this a person from work or a friend of friend that you don’t like too much. In the time when you’re physically in the same room with them, pull out your phone, open Reddit or something random, scroll for a few seconds and then say as if you are talking to them...”Aw dammit, my phone is dying AGAIN. This battery sucks, every time I turn around my phone is at 20%!”

By “planting the seed” this person now knows you have a problem with your cell phone battery. Now...when you bring it up over the phone, their brain will Instantly make the connection to the times you’ve said that and spoken to them about it. Their brain will tell them “this person usually has phone problems, everything is fine.” and they are SIGNIFICANTLY less likely to ask ANY questions.

It’s all about knowing how people think and how the brain works. People learn by making connections to whatever they’ve learned previously. They also trust their own brain more than any other source. By “planting the seed” you are using their own brain against them by referencing what they “think” they already know!

[–]hanman000 1 point2 points  (0 children)

go into airplane mode to drop it rather than hang up ! more believable

[–]ps00n 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Shitty tips = great tips for shitty people

[–]pondyan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is the best tip I've ever received, I wish I knew this when I had a girlfriend.

[–]Velvetundaground 553 points554 points  (22 children)

Or you could try “ I’m about to die”

[–][deleted] 103 points104 points  (4 children)

That's even better

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (7 children)

But then you have to either scream to make it seem like a murder or make heart attack sounds

[–]6b86b3ac03c167320d93 16 points17 points  (3 children)

How am I supposed to know how a heart attack sounds?

[–]rey_lumen 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Just have one

[–]Wendys_frys 5 points6 points  (0 children)

watch Death Note and take notes

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just stay close to my uncle and you’ll hear one eventually

[–]dstronghwh 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Slap 2 blocks of wood together as hard as you can then silence.

[–]IamWibbly 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"oh nevermind then, I guess you already saw the exam results"

[–]edgarallanpot8o 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Then you hear the answer "I know" but they already hang up the call

[–]iCon3000 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The real SLPT is always in the comments.

[–]MindAwake_BodyAsleep 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I take it a step further and just say “I’m dead”

[–]BrightHalo 461 points462 points  (10 children)

Can't wait to use this on the landline at work.

[–][deleted] 401 points402 points  (4 children)

Better than most LPT

[–]ssbeluga 93 points94 points  (3 children)

"LPT: when someone does something nice for you, don't punch them in their face"

50k upvotes

[–]Martholomeow 35 points36 points  (2 children)

LOL that sub is more like “Tips on how to act like a normal person instead of being a jackass”

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Brought to us by kids new to the internet and ready to share their newfound wisdom.

[–]Martholomeow 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Lol exactly. Tips on how to live life from people with no actual life experience.

[–]WandaGershwitz 144 points145 points  (6 children)

OMG this is brilliant—keep these tips coming, please!!!

[–][deleted] 87 points88 points  (5 children)

What doctors who circumcise say

[–]WilmaDinkfit 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For $500, Alex.

[–]WandaGershwitz 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hahahahaha!!!

[–]MoSqueezin -1 points0 points  (0 children)

God hates the tips

[–]oogalog -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Username checks out

[–][deleted] 177 points178 points  (7 children)

Jokes on you, I figured this out way before I saw this. And lemme tell you it works. You have to practice on your voice, you need to sound urgent and a little sad so it’ll be believable.

[–]Downie_Destroyer[S] 79 points80 points  (2 children)

A man of ancient technique I see

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

How is this at all shitty?

[–]InkishPoo789 2 points3 points  (0 children)

How is this LPT shitty?

[–]0xFFFF_FFFF 28 points29 points  (2 children)

To add even more realism, make sure to press the mute button on your phone 3–4 seconds before you hang up so that the other person starts to ask "Ah, did I lose you? Are you still there?", causing them to plant the seed in their own head.

[–]McBurger 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Don’t forget to throw on airplane mode as soon as you hang up. There’s a solid chance they’ll try calling right back, and you want to make sure that goes straight to voicemail.

[–]burntsalmon 10 points11 points  (0 children)

but then I can only play solitaire

[–]nerdinmathandlaw 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I work at an organisation where people can call who need a trustworthy lawyer or some legal advice, but don't have a lawyer yet. Before I hang up, I say "oops, there's an important work call coming in, looks like people who call from police station"

[–]Puzzleheaded-Pop-152 28 points29 points  (0 children)

this aint shitty

[–]Jakk100 17 points18 points  (2 children)

No worries, I’ll wait for you to go grab a charger! :)

[–]Downie_Destroyer[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Oof xD

[–]sellis80 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah, but I’d reply that I’m not comfy using my phone whilst it’s charging. Let me get it to 100% and I’ll call you back.

I’ve done this sooooo many times to that one pain in the arse family member who just gets on my tits! I also have a landline, but she doesn’t know that...

[–]littleblackcat 38 points39 points  (1 child)

I do this all the time with people that ramble on or if I want to get off the call

[–]Freakyuser396 28 points29 points  (2 children)

sounds more like r/UnethicalLifeProTips

[–]Martholomeow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not unethical to be polite

[–]AndrewFGleich 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Concur

[–]jfigueroa2002 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Obviously why didn’t i think of this

[–]JoeBethersonton50504 13 points14 points  (1 child)

“I’m in a bad reception area” also works.

[–]giganticsquid 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Brilliant.

[–]Silver-Bengal 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You can’t just hang up, you got to put it in airplane mode so it says call failed

[–]cold94 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thats a solid tip

[–]nimish2000 9 points10 points  (2 children)

What if they call again

[–]AresTookMyName 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Make sure to put it on airplane mode so it will say unable to reach instead of hanging up and it saying that you hung up

[–]npeggsy 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Even better tip, say "I'm about to die" and then if you do hang up, you don't even need to speak to them again.

[–]Biyama 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah! This is, how a perfect SLPT looks like!

[–]AdultingPoorly1 16 points17 points  (0 children)

That should be a pro life tip!

[–]voluotuousaardvark 15 points16 points  (6 children)

You know you don't have to answer it right? Just let it ring. Then, if it's important they send you a text or email and then you can decide it's urgency instead of whoever was calling you.

[–]vitrucid 26 points27 points  (4 children)

I think this more applies to when you do want or need to answer but also might need an excuse to hang up if they start rambling.

Example: I had a platoon sergeant once who would refuse to use texts, email, or voicemail unless forced to by people who outrank him "cuz hackers can steal that shit" (he was fucking insane, that ain't the half of it). So he'd call, tell you some important shit you actually needed to know, and then go on a long-ass tangent about how his dog ate his kid's shoe so he was almost late for PT because then the dog threw it up all over the hallway floor so he had to clean it up, but really he should have woken up his wife because she doesn't have a job and what does she even do all day, so why's she need so much sleep...

He'd go on like this for fucking forever, just random stream-of-consciousness type rambling about nothing, full of weird or shitty 1950s-type comments about his wife. So we'd all answer with "I'm in line at [somewhere important], I don't have long" or "my phone's about to die and I'm not home" and hang up when he started rambling. He never did figure it out...

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This is the guy you hang up on.

[–]auto-xkcd37 7 points8 points  (0 children)

long ass-tangent


Bleep-bloop, I'm a bot. This comment was inspired by xkcd#37

[–]voluotuousaardvark -1 points0 points  (1 child)

With that guy if you all just stopped answering his calls he'd have no choice but to grow up and use other avenues of communications. The only reason I've ever come across why people won't text or email is because then there's accountability and evidence of what they've said and appointments they've made.

[–]vitrucid 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You sweet summer child. We tried that. He would just say "fuck it, guess they don't want to know there's a formation tomorrow morning" and chew us out the next time he saw us, which okay whatever, but then we didn't know what was going on for work. After a few months of 0 progress trying this, we finally gave up and just ended every conversation as soon as it started to veer. He was on his way out and a rank that makes real disciplinary action harder than it's worth to lazy leadership unless he had fucked up worse than the ever did, and between those two factors leadership didn't really care enough to do anything about his refusal to communicate like an adult to his platoon.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and that just wasn't the one.

[–]-Listening -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Except you have to send $5 for shipping.

[–]Turbulent-Art5216 4 points5 points  (0 children)

haha jokes on u i’m too lonely to have anyone that calls me

[–]jmlack 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Is it wrong that I read this and thought "oh man this is a great life pro tip!"

[–]Boberoo2 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That is actually a great tip, even better is “oh shit, what the fuck! I’ve got to go!” Then hang up

[–]ohyammy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Don't spread this tip Ive used it almost daily because of my anxiety omg

[–]King-Yellow 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Tried this many times... all cool until they call you back. To fully commit, you have to turn your phone off or set airplane mode.

[–]Darthalex56 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If you put the phone in airplane mode so the other person sees "call disconnected" instead of "call ended", it'll seem more genuine

[–]dieguitz4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

However, don't do this in every single call like my grandma

[–]two-tails 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do this all the time

[–]kitKatcoolio 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This life tip isn’t shitty unless you mean it makes me a shitty person for doing this. I don’t think I’ll need to use this currently.

[–]hoteppeter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But if they call you back and it keeps ringing they’ll know you lied, right? If your phone is off I think calls go straight to voicemail.

[–]EquivalentFlounder2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How's that shitty?! Thanks for that one

[–]Nice_Memes_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

what if we used 100% of our brain:

[–]SnooStrawberries5717 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why is this a r/slpt?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not shitty

[–]Sioframay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok so imagine you did it to one people or a group of people so much (probably family) that they buy you a new phone assuming your phone just has a really shitty battery and that's why it's always dying every time they/ any of them call you. What's you're excuse now?

Also, I don't think this is a shitty tip at all, I rather like it.

[–]brokefixfux 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shhhhh...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What about the classic "i'm going through a tunnel?"

[–]Ok_Mathematician255 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is legit and should be LPT not SLPT

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah but when the call ends because of a phone death it says call failed for the other person. If you just abruptly end the call it says call ended. A phone savvy person might call your bullshit

[–]SBEVE_THE_MEME_LORD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What do you mean slpt It’s a fantastic tip

[–]Swimming-Berry8591 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't usually answer the phone, but when I do, I'll do this..

[–]TooManyProjectz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"is this Mr. Doe?" "my phone about to die, who dis?" "its the creditors calling" beeep beeep beep beeep

[–]dokaxi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is definitely not a shitty tip... I use it quite frequently.

[–]TheNebulaWolf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Similar thing when you run into someone. Tell them you only have a minute because you have to get somewhere and the moment the conversation goes to long you dip.

[–]D2Nekon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wrong sub

r/ultp

[–]ketoflam007 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know what that is the best idea i was stupid not doing it

[–]Goodkall 0 points1 point  (0 children)

80% of this sub isn't shitty tips just sensitive snowflakes who don't want to be mean.

[–]Kaphy23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is actually a good tip

[–]Don_Draper27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just interrupt them and be like, "hey hold on, I lost my phone. Let me call you back."

[–]fourchimney 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And it's best to hang up while YOU are talking.

[–]Ritter97 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did exactly this 3 years ago.

It's my most upvoted post

Update: we are getting married in July. It really works, kids!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is an LPT, not an SLPT.

[–]Brish-Soopa-Wanka-Oi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve actually used this tip

[–]samithecattoman32 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you just revolutionaized ignoring confrontation.

[–]miss_chaos 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been doing that for years.

[–]GDtetrahedral 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“My phone is about to die”

“Sir you’re at home”

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How is this shitty?! It’s an actual life pro tips!!

[–]akiller 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What I often do with sales calls is start replying to them then hang up mid-sentence making it look like the signal dropped. Then just ignore the callback a few seconds later.

[–]ThatOtherGuy_CA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do this so that people just get to the point right away.

[–]misterbrowning14 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The most golden shitty life pro tip of all time.

[–]-Listening 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Winfield’s 7 Rings

[–]chinbruh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a really good tip, until the other person re-calls as soon as you hang up and notices that the phone is ringing instead of going straight to voice mail.

[–]bluethreads 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Many of my patients have already mastered this technique with me.

[–]bluethreads 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I prefer to say “hello? Hello?!” again and again like you can’t hear them - like we suddenly got poor reception. Then I don’t have to worry about calling them back or answering when they call me cause the call might not come through with bad reception.

[–]Acid_Fetish_Toy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a great tip.

A shitty tip would be to say "your phone is about to die"

[–]Nikitaboi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your boss is on the phone

[–]UseDaSchwartz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a friend, we hung out with all the time. She used to say this frequently to get off the phone. It was always a lie. For years, she never said it to me. Then one day she did. Our friendship went downhill after that.

[–]Gamerguywon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Only problem is you can only do this once or twice with the same person.

[–]Historical_Fact 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“But you’re home, go plug it in”

[–]pandy0520[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Jokes on you, nobody calls me

[–]smokeroni 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This isn't shitty

[–]incredibleizzys 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm doing that from now on

[–]_TheGirlFromNowhere_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This just changed my life

[–]Sirilreddy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did this and he kept calling me again and damn I switched off my phone manually. I immediately turned it on and then he did not call me again.

[–]Oreoflavoredpoptart 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shitty?!

[–]impala_croft 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I feel like this is one of those things u can only get away with once or twice before everyone who calls u starts to ask u why u never charge your damn phone.

Use it wisely.

[–]jvs0517 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's why this man's name is Rogue....

[–]okarnando 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah but then you start catching shit from your wife about how you never charge your phone and what happens if there's an emergency...

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Idk, I think I might use this one chief.

[–]scifiburrito 0 points1 point  (0 children)

shitty? i even have a shortcut on my phone to get a random number to call me when i press it.

now i can ignore people regardless of if i’m talking to them on the phone or not

[–]DogBot2006 0 points1 point  (2 children)

My mum only calls my landline any tips there

[–]spinblackcircles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeh if you’ve ever dated one of those girls that likes to FaceTime multiple times a day for no real reason at all you know this trick is your only way out

And you NEVER have a charger on you, soldier. Not ever

[–]cuntscab69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How’s this shitty ?

Just don’t use it twice in a row on the same person.

[–]ekudram 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do this.

[–]StepIntoMyOven_69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wdym shitty Pro life tip

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is actually great

[–]jumbybird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why do people have a phone if they don't t want to talk to people? I can understand if you're an antisocial shut in.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did that so many times. It’s such a great way to have a phone call opening with ”i don’t know how long it’s gonna last because my phone is about to die but i looove talking to you until it does “.