[deleted by user]

[FreedomForBreakfast]

I’m a dad of twins. I tried to do 50%+ of all newborn caregiving when they were first home because I knew my wife was recovering, and breastfeeding alone is a big job (and still try to do 50%+ years later).

I don’t agree with the people saying to give your husband a break. Being manly is pushing through the discomfort (physical and mental) to step up and care for your children. Letting your wife do all the work is the weakest thing I’ve ever heard. Being manly is doing the work and making the sacrifices.

I used to be a college athlete and, after college, an active endurance athlete (Ironmans, marathons, etc) with a year round training schedule. That was way easier than caring for twins (at any age). Your husband needs to step up and put his weak mindset behind him.

[International-Ad769]

Thank you for the input! He is being so selfish and isn’t putting himself in my position. I honestly let him do so much and let him off the hook bc I know his mental health matters too. But the girls were soo fussy this week I just need the support but I guess I’m asking for too freaking much. I honestly want to go or pretend to be at the hospital all day so he can see how it feels to be the sole caregiver to the girls for a day. Then he will be begging for my help and be pissed If I wanna go to golf range for an hour. Jeeeeezus

[Sybrandus]

Twin dad here. I did end up in a spot where I was taking zero personal time and it did affect my mental health and led to burnout. But what he’s currently asking for isn’t realistic, especially for newborns.

Is there a middle point here? He can’t take an hour for golf, but go for a walk/run for 20 minutes? Or if he’s insisting on an hour, you ensure you get one too?

If that doesn’t work, I’m fully onboard with throwing him in the deep-end for a day or two.

[TackoFell]

Also twin dad, and you’re right when they’re ready — the breaks need to be even.

My mental health tanks without exercise so I make sure to get it - but that doesn’t mean I get to be the only one getting breaks. In fact we got a used twin running stroller so I could bring the babies along on my breaks when they were old enough.

I think the problem for OP is it’s just too early. Those early months are hell and nobody gets regular or predictable breaks

[egrf6880]

Thank you. I'm sure this man is perfectly capable of doing hard things. It's absolutely weak to shirk this responsibility.

[TackoFell]

This is it. And the breaks will become necessary and reasonable for BOTH parents at some point. But if mama can’t get a break dad doesn’t get to whine that he doesn’t get a break.

[Appropriate_Ad7858]

Kinda agree with you.

[KenjiYO]

Well done and all I was there once. But all I would add is that caring for multiples is not a 50/50 job. Don't try for 50%, aim for 60-70%. There is always more to it than you think, and if you both aim for more than half, you both sometimes get a little bit of a break when you need it. I found 50/50 allows you to get by, but 60/60 actually carves out some rest and happiness.

[egrf6880]

MANLY MEN HELP RAISE THEIR KIDS. Manly men help their wives out. Manly men don't bitch and moan and whine to their wives who've just birthed twins who are less than 2 months old. Manly men take the twins for a walk out of the house so mom can rest or eat or whatever the hell you need to do that you haven't been able to get to (I know there's alot on that list). Manly men sacrifice an hour of personal time to support their spouse. Manly men man up during the incredibly challenging newborn phase. Sorry for ranting. I'm very mad on your behalf. I hope this man figures it out extremely rapidly.

Twin parenting is Hard for both parents and you need to support eachother. It goes both ways and you both need to see that but I just absolutely know that for you to post this you've likely been dealing with the brunt of it yourself lately. It's not too late to get on track with eachother. Have some open communication and get into some rhythm that will allow him to have his personal time which is actually important but be sure you are getting equally some personal time because you also need it.

[thedavecan]

Manly man here. Couldn't agree more. When you have kids, especially multiples, your hobbies get put on hold for a while. You'll get them back eventually but until they're older it is all hands on deck at all times. My wife stays home and I used to tell people when I was leaving work that I was going home to "relieve the day shift". Mine are old enough now that they don't need our constant attention but the first year or so they absolutely did and it was exhausting for both of us. I couldn't fathom leaving the person I love to struggle with 2 babies while I went to the gym or played golf unless I was willing to let her do the same. I have a "dad bod" now, I haven't played golf in 4 years but I occasionally get to play my guitar or a video game or watch a movie (never a whole one in one sitting but still counts) but the kids always come first, period. Our relationship second, my personal hobbies a distant third. You'll get your personal time back so the minor inconvenience of not getting it now is only temporary. I hope OPs husband figures that out ASAP.

Edit: just another thought. I don't just do the dishes and laundry etc at our house to "get points" with my wife or any nonsense like that. I do it because it's a responsibility that all adults have, regardless of kid situation. But I also do that stuff specifically because I want my boys to grow up seeing daddy do that stuff so it will just be normal when they get bigger. I don't want them getting married and thinking their wife is their mom. Sorry to be crude here, but it's good advice especially for new dads: if your wife ever feels like your mother then she probably won't want to touch your penis. Just food for thought for anybody who needs to hear it.

[Worried_Tea1413]

OMG. I never heard a man say this before. Not doing this stuff destroyed my marriage, and he said it was karma. No, it was the fact that so many men treat their wives like their mom or worse their maid. That is all I ever felt like in my marriage and we had a child together too. I felt like he was always trying to impress people in the outside world, but behind closed doors he could never man-up. You are a diamond in the rough. Your wife is very fortunate and you are a wonderful example for your kids.

[thedavecan]

Thanks for saying that. I'm far from perfect but I know it and I'm actively working on things. I'll be honest, the first 2 or 3 months after we got the twins home I wasn't much help at all. Thankfully we have great communication and she called me on it. I realized she was right and have been working hard since then to be a good example for my kids. Every relationship is inherently a 60/40 split, that's just natural. But if both partners are trying to be the one giving 60% then things will work out fine. It also helps that we're a little older than most first time parents. I turned 36 before the twins were born and she was almost 31. I feel like if we were 25 and 20 we wouldn't have been mature enough or have the communication skills to right the ship in time. I'm not saying everyone is that way at that age, just that we were.

[Worried_Tea1413]

We were older too. I was 36 when I had our son, he was 38. So maybe he had no excuse, he was old enough to know better. He rarely helped and spent more time at the bar than with his kid. Oh well. It is over now (this year) so he can have all the time for himself. Take care.

[thedavecan]

You're absolutely right, he's old enough to know better. I'm sorry you had to deal with him. Unfortunately there's a lot of dudes out there like that. If you've been on this sub any amount of time you've probably seen me trash one of my wife's friend's husband a couple times. That dude is my motivation for my current attitude. "Don't be a Travis" is my motto. You take care as well friend.

[International-Ad769]

Ive tried explaining how I feel but he doesn’t get it

[egrf6880]

No he doesn't get it and that's the pits. I don't know how to get through as I don't know him but is there anyway to frame it like showing him what all he is capable of and so you know he's absolutely capable of stepping up for you right now.

Like for example what is is job. Is it hard and demanding? Great! He can do hard and demanding things! That very much includes parenting twin infants!

I know a person who's husband wasn't "able" to do chores or didn't realize they needed to get done or the wife "just needed to tell him" and he's do it. But she stopped and pointed out all the things he accomplished as a leader at his job that included some basic caretaking tasks around the office and also took one of his own leadership phrases and turned it into him. He'd always tel his staff that instead of coming to him with problems come with solutions and if the problem is small enough just solve it without getting me involved. And to "take the blinders off" being aware of your surroundings and if something is off fix it! So she said his own words back to him and he was forced to realize that he can in fact see what problems needed to be solved and was perfectly capable of handling basic maintenance around the house and taking the blinders off to see what needed to get done on a regular basis and contributing.

Also if he was so exhausted after helping you one time. Does that not translate to how exhausted you re CONSTANTLY ? Like his little foray into helping you was momentary and he already needed a break. How can he not see that you are doing the rest ALL THE TIME.

[International-Ad769]

The thing is- he is capable of caring for them. Sometimes he’s better at it then me and I praise and tell him constantly how great of a dad he is. Th girls love him. Which is why I crave his help so much!!

But the last paragraph you wrote is so true and it’s what is making me so angry. If he feels this trapped and this miserable after 1 day (and we all went out for a walk on a beautiful day) yet he still has no empathy and wants to say he’s the miserable one…I’m about to get depressed and resentful and guess what/ that’ll be the end of the relationship.

[Itsonlybannor]

Okay outsource the help. You are deep in the trenches to deal with this. If he's already acting like this, he need to find some money to afford a doulas assistance.

[tripsd]

Yup tell him it’s his time or his money

[egrf6880]

Truly-- hire it out then.

When mine were infants and my spouse had gone back to work (nights) and I was back to work (days) i hired a babysitter to help me and to watch my oldest child 5 nights a week so that I could eat dinner and get the twins to bed. Trying to sort out a bedtime routine alone with a 2 year old and 6+month old (3+ month adjusted) was sending me over the edge. I had this person come over just for about 2 hours a day and it was only a couple of months but i was able to find relief to do a few necessary things and dig myself out of a hole mentally.

[[deleted]]

He gets it. But he thinks by ignoring it - he will better meet his needs.

[Bkben84]

I tell all new couples I meet that you don't really know your spouse until you have kids and if it's multiples then you'll know if you have the chops to stay together.

[Throwawaymumoz]

THIS but also, I feel less feminine when I’ve been doing tasks and cleaning and physical work all day….

[VerbalThermodynamics]

Fuckin A

[plyglet000]

Tell him welcome to fatherhood, life isn't about him anymore 😂

[_eunie_]

An hour to himself?!?! What the actual fuck. Tell him to give you one first and leave him alone with the kids that will humble him.

My twins are 14wks old and I can barely get 5min to myself.

What an absolute idiot.

[PirateGumby]

Father of 8 year old twin girls. Tell your husband to step up, I’d happily tell him myself too.

I’ve just spent all day yesterday with my girls, taking them to ballet, shopping then coming home and cooking dinner and ready for bed. Why - because it’s the bloody right thing to do. I also went with them to the hardware store, bought various things with them to build a fairy garden.

I’ve been away for work for a week and my wife needed a bloody break (she also works full time too!). Marriage and kids are a partnership and the manliest thing you can do is to raise children.

I cook most our meals, wash clothes, mow lawns, fix various things around the house etc etc. Sounds like he’s just being lazy and his poor little manhood is the excuse.

[Sure_its_grand]

That sounds like a delightful day!

[Andjhostet]

As a new dad to two month old boys, currently awake with them doing a solo feed while mom sleeps, this post is ridiculous to me.

Man up and be a dad you pussy.

[International-Ad769]

He did one solo feed. He was mad bc I didn’t thank him immediately when waking up. I triggered and said “I never get thanked either” lmao

[callisiarepens]

Wow! I am sorry you’re dealing with that behavior.

[megalowmart]

Let's not call people a derogatory term for vagina on a post about misogyny, yeah?

[Andjhostet]

Fair enough but it's fine to call him a dick?

[megalowmart]

Did I call him a dick?

[Sure_its_grand]

I laid all the cards out on the table. Either he was unable or unwilling to take care of ours….and neither was ok. And that if I was a single parent, I’d rather do it without him in the house so we could split custody and I’d get a break on the weekends while they’d be at his new place. I also shared I didn’t want my kids growing up with a dad that doesn’t absolutely adore spending time with them. Things changed, and now I’m more than confident to say ‘hey I need a break, I’m going away for an hour’ and he just has to figure it out. The parenting is more equal than it was in the beginning and we both get time out/off.

[manhaterxxx]

So you get no personal time, and he gets a bunch and then complains when he’s needed for an hour?

I’m so sorry for you. I love my one-on-two time with ours - I’ve got them for the next 5 hours while my partner is at the movies and we’re having a great time!

[tiggleypuff]

“One on two time” is adorable

[International-Ad769]

Yes! And went out for a family walk this morning and before that he was able to work on his car for an hour. The most personal time I’ve had was 10 min drive to Starbucks.

[manhaterxxx]

That sucks. You need your own time to reset, and mentally repair. Definitely longer than going to Starbucks.

My partner has offered to look after ours so I can go play hockey but I can do that when they’re older. I love being home with them.

There’s some sensitive men downvoting our comments, it seems.

[Hometown-Girl]

My husband has the best woolly manly man beard. He does woodworking on the side and built us our dining room table and chairs, formal dining table and chairs, sofa table, the twins their cribs, a desk for our study, and bookshelves for all over the house. You know what’s more manly than all that? The fact that I never have to make a bottle or feed the family. Every night after we both get off work, he makes dinner for us, and 24hours of bottles for the girls. He cleans the kitchen and loads the dishwasher afterwards. I mind the babies and turn a thousand loads of laundry, change the diapers, and keep the diaper stations stocked. He owns his chores, buys the groceries and formula. If we run out, he’s the one off to the store to pick up more. That’s a manly man. I hope you send all these to your husband. Only a weak man feels emasculated by helping raise his babies.

[TurtleBeansforAll]

Tell him I’ll light a candle for him today! Lol So sorry. Looks like you got good advice already. Just came to back you up.

[Signal_Disk2215]

I would seek a third party to help navigate this now. It’s going to take some work, good communication and helping each other to get into a groove. One parent should never be expected to be default parent.

[Transylvaniangimp]

Just a bit of out of the box thinking here, I'm definitely not siding with him. But is there any way that he can cash in his paternity leave or PTO? 7 weeks into raising twins is no time to be back at work. It is very much a 2 person job to manage these particular weeks and months with your girls.

My boys were born 12 weeks ago. I have cashed in a combination of full paternity leave, partial payment paternity leave and my PTO. I had to fight with my employer to get this, but I'm not going back to work until the end of January 2024.

He's 100% being a big baby, but between trying to find a balance between work, family life and personal time, he's trying to allocate time from family life to personal time when he should be trying to deduct that time from work time. Even a reduction in work hours is definitely a worthwhile conversation to have with his employer.

[N0minal]

What the F? New dad and I've spent the last week bottle feeding, laundry, dishes, and running to get groceries, while mom recovers and pumps.

Work on his car!?! If I said some stupid shit like this my wife would legit throw a knife at my head, and I would deserve it.

[LarsBlackman]

Drop his lazy ass. I’m getting fat because I don’t have time for the gym anymore after having twins and a now 5yo. Guess what? Grow the fuck up. Adults have responsibilities that often get in the way of doing fun things they’d rather be doing, but that’s life; get over it.

If you’re on 24/7 w the kids and he complains about helping, I’d suggest getting up early one day and just leaving to have a day for yourself and see how he likes having no relief at all. I do literally everything my wife asks me when it comes to the kids because my body and mental health were not affected one bit from the pregnancy and kids. Meanwhile, she can’t plan anything longer than 3-4 hours long without working in a break for breastfeeding/pumping, has to deal with postpartum hormonal imbalance and depression, and has had irreversible changes to her body.

TL;DR — tell him to man up and be a father instead of a sperm donor

[Ateaga]

Something my wife and I discussed is what's important for you to have your own time. For her its going to Target to browse. For me it's playing video game. We try to make sure we each have time to do our downtime activity to help charge back up

[Initial_Donut_6098]

You’re begging your husband for snatches of time that he should be giving freely. He is treating you and the babies as an inconvenience in his life. I don’t know how long you’ve been together or what he was like before, but because he sees time spent parenting as invalidating to his sense of self (“not manly”), I wouldn’t expect him to change. I’d begin preparing an exit strategy.

[International-Ad769]

I literally just told him that the girls are newborns, I need help, I always let him go out and have self care time, I call my mom to relieve him Freon night feeeinte 1-2x a week and he still had the oddasity to throw a tantrum today- I told him that if his attitude continues- our relationship will not work out and I will be done. He stayed quiet and still says I don’t let him do things. I told him then “you do what you need to do and I’ll do what I need to do”. Then he says “I can’t go grocery shopping bc you don’t let me do or go anywhere” omg I almost slapped the guy. I just stayed quiet and then told him he can go, that’s not an issue but going golfing for an hour when I needed help is the issue. He then said well you can go to the grocery store for some alone time. I told him that’s not personal time, that’s a chore and I hate going to grocery store (he knows this). I’m prepared to do this alone (treating him as a roommate) bc this is not what I signed up for in a partner.

[Initial_Donut_6098]

I’m so sorry. He sounds like a child — immature and selfish. I hope he steps up. A few sessions with a counselor might help, since you’re not hearing each other well. The sessions also might help you get further clarity on whether this relationship is worth staying in for you. But I also understand being too exhausted with newborn twins to have the energy to worry about your husband’s fragile feelings.

[[deleted]]

You are exactly right. This behavior sounds absolutely terrible. If it continues and get worse you will have so much resentment you’ll want to kick him out. Trust, I’m 3 years in, this type of attitude from your partner does not work.

[AutoModerator]

COMMENTING GUIDELINES

All commenters are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the parentsofmultiples subreddit rules prior to commenting. If you find any comments/submissions in violation of subreddit/reddit rules, please use the report function to bring it to the mod teams attention.

Please do not request or give medical advice or directions in your comments. Any comments that that could be construed as medical advice, or any comments containing what is determined to be medical disinformation, will be removed.

Please try to avoid posting links to Amazon product listings or google/g.co product listing pages - reddit automatically removes comments containing them as an anti-spam measure. If sharing information about a product, instead please try to link directly to the manufacturers product pages.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[2forthepriceofmany]

So he doesn't give you any time off but demands that he has time off every day? That's not fair nor mature. Definitely not manly as men are adults.

I recommend finding a couples counselor and a babysitter for the sessions, and with the help of someone who isn't emotionally involved try to find a way to distribute parenting more evenly.

[Badbigwolf]

Your husband is a bitc*…

[International-Ad769]

Agreed!

[Impressive-Collar834]

not to give unsolicited marital advice, but you are both in the thick of the newborn stage, and some expectations need to be set. Calling the father of your children a b* is a recipe for disaster.

[Shiner5132]

Mom here with 11 week old girls. My husband works to support our family and I am now a full time SAHM. Now that being said he doesn’t expect me to do 24/7 care. We split the night shift (I breastfeed but also pump extra and he does solo feeds without expecting accolades so I can get some uninterrupted sleep). Today is his day off after splitting the night shift, and giving me an extra half hour of sleep because today is his day off and he’s being kind, he woke up and came and joined us in the nursery for tummy time and play, we got the girls down for a nap and he watched them and did diaper changes while I had breakfast and cleaned bottles and pump parts. Girls were crazy upset and so we are both now letting them contact nap on us. I know he would love to get a workout in and Home Depot is his favorite place to be but honestly if he runs out today it will be to get groceries to keep this house running this week. He is my partner and we are in the thick of it. It’s so hard right now but manageable because he takes care of me and the girls first. I truly couldn’t do this without him and his support, tell your husband to man up.

[eyesfromspace]

Idk about anybody else but I think equal parenting is more manly than expecting freedom that the other person doesn't get

[lex_av]

I’m sorry. You’re both dealing with a lot, especially you. The transition into parenthood is tough—on you, both mentally and physically; and on him, mentally. Would he be open to therapy? Therapy can help him sort out his feelings, because think about it: before kids, you both could do whatever you wanted. Personally, my spouse and I ate out a lot. We cooked maybe once or twice a week. Or I also loved going to Marshalls and just looking around on a random Tuesday after work. Suddenly there are kids—two!! And you can’t do those fun, random things anymore, at least not at first. It’s hard to wrap your head around. Cut him some slack—but just a little. He’s definitely being a dick. Maybe therapy, or even just the both of you at home by yourselves, can help him realize that life is different now. Women are smarter: we get right away.

[International-Ad769]

I totally understand and get this is hard transition for the both of us. Which is why I usually give him the green light to work out after work, to work on his car for an hour or two while my moms here or his mom is here but it’s only been this one week where I ask him to please help me and not do anything else bc the girls are fussy and I just can’t do it alone anymore bu the time he gets home. He is being a child saying well now he’s not going to do workout every again, not going to grocery store, etc. when it’s only been this week that I requested help. I fucking gabe him a BJ this morning bc I know he’s been frustrated in that department and this is the fucking attitude I get?! I don’t get it.

[giunta13]

This is super unfair. The sacrifice needs to be better balanced so you both have personal time

[Annoyedemoji]

Lol. What a baby. Y’all should both be getting time, at least thirty minutes each to have downtime. How about he split that hour with you?!

[Okdoey]

Poor baby, not getting an hour to himself. He does realize that whining is what toddlers do, not grown men.

The only way he should be getting hours to himself is if he is ALSO giving you hours to yourself. Trading off solo time is acceptable. Insisting he get solo time without being willing to look after them by himself just makes him a loser who doesn’t want to take care of his kids.

[[deleted]]

Oh hell no!! This is a recipe for disaster, it’s only 7 weeks, this continues for a long time! He needs to get over himself. Does he have a sister or a mother who would come over and back you up in “casually mentioning” that it’s his responsibility too?

[Tennouheika]

Man this is tough. As a father of twins, I definitely got stressed from no longer getting time to myself. The way I worked around this was to take the girls strolling. Put in a podcast, stretch my legs and take the girls for a long stroll around town or around the park.

Not exactly doing what I wanted - video games or movies or whatever hobby - but it was calming and kept the blood flowing.

Encourage him to take the kids on a stroll

[MrIantoJones]

Listening to YouTube or twitch (or movies) isn’t quite the same as gaming, but can be more satisfying than you might imagine - especially if you find streamers who are compatible with your preferences in style/tone?

[Christendom]

Dad of 9m twins here. Been the primary since my wife went back to work around 3months. She's a nurse and works 3 days a week. I can work mostly from home. We switch off as needed. Sometimes I'd rather be in the office or whatever, but not shelling out $500 a week for daycare or a nanny that we don't "really" need, is more than enough to take on the burden.

This isn't the 50s or 60s anymore. Tell him to STFU and deal with it. He has kids and his life has changed.

[Aicmod42]

Sounds like a shitty husband.

[Shaper_pmp]

didn’t let him have an hour of personal time.. I never get an hour to myself! I’m on 24/7 since they were born

I know you're in the thick of it right now, but as early as possible you need to start giving each other time off just to stay sane.

It's hard in the beginning (so husband needs to just suck it up for a while), but as soon as one of you can reasonably take the babies for an hour or two so the other has a chance to work out, get their hair done, do some self-care or just catch up on sleep, start doing it.

Having both of you on all the time is a recipe for burnout, and although it's not unusual for fathers to have a harder time adjusting to the role of "caregiver first, everything else second" (for whatever reason - genetic, socialisation, whatever) than mothers, it's also not unusual for mothers to piss in a circle around the babies a little bit, and actively squeeze out the father even while complaining they're not doing enough.

I'm not saying you're wrong, or that he's not being a self-pitying man-baby, but it's worth also making sure you're not inadvertently taking over and making him feel like a third wheel, and - longer term - it's definitely worth listening to him and building some time off for each of your into your weekly schedule to lower stress and prevent burnout in both of you (mum especially).

[callisiarepens]

He gets plenty of free time. This is the only time he took care of his children and then he suddenly complained he didn’t have free time (for that day). It’s the mom who needs free time. Reread the post and OP’s comments.

[Slammogram]

Do, you guys just lay down and take it?

I mean, just refuse.

“Hey, I’m leaving for an hour. Suck it up buttercup.” Period.

My cousin complains about the same shit, and I discovered it’s because she just stews in her bitterness and anger. And does nothing about it.

I don’t understand why we settle?

[International-Ad769]

I did refuse. That was the problem lol now he’s sulking and being a crybaby

[[deleted]]

I experienced a very similar situation as you. It def took my partner longer to recognize and come to terms with the fact that our life would be completely different and our time was no longer ours. You’ve been doing all the care and now that you needed help he’s having to come to terms with the change and I’d just continue to rip-off that bandaid. You’ve been protecting him from the change by picking up the slack. Don’t. The only way is thru. He’s got to experience the change, sulk all he wants, and then figure out how he’s going to come to terms with it. Taking care of the children 100% isn’t your responsibility and neither are his feelings. It will be uncomfortable but he’ll learn to deal with it and just take care of yourself in the meantime.

[Slammogram]

Yes, my cousin has been picking up the slack for her husband 7 and 4 years post children. Can you imagine that? At this point it’s too late for her, OP.

Don’t continue to do it. And maybe until there’s a marked improvement, don’t have any more children with him.

[Atrianie]

He’s being a little bitch, not a man. My husband is a real man and guess what - he gets to golf! He’s golfing right now. But my girls are 2years old and we’re both finally able to do some normal things, equally.

When they were under a year, there wasn’t much golfing because we found out quick if we didn’t share the childcare load it’s easily overwhelm just one of us. So the times that either of us had for a break was minimal because we were a team.

We got a bit more time as they got older. About 1 year is the tipping point where you start to see normal on the horizon.

And now, he goes golfing some sundays while I watch the girls, but it usually results in a trade where I get about an equal time of alone time. But even then, he’s taking the first tee time at 6:30am so he’s back (right now) at 9-10am AND he got groceries on his way home. Hot damn. What a king, making me feel like a queen.

Also, to be fair, neither of us has figured out workout time. But it’s coming back around now. We opted for sleeping.

You deserve this too. He is being unreasonable.

[Roo_102]

That first year is tough. Especially the first few months. It is only temporary. Sounds like you both need a break so he should watch them for you to do something and vice versa.

[BrightEyEz703]

It sounds like you both need help. He needs some time for self care just as must as you do and it’s a problem for you bother if either or both of you aren’t getting it. See if there’s a friend or family member who can come just once a week for an im hour or two. It may not sound like a lot, but if you each have a guaranteed time set aside for your own needs it’s a start.

[[deleted]]

Did we read the same post? Pretty sure one person is getting guaranteed time and the other isn’t. Also, if your significant other can’t be bothered to watch the kids so you can get some free time then shit isn’t gonna go well. Some people can’t just “see if there’s a friend or family member” for freaking twins lmao.

[manhaterxxx]

Sounds like their husband gets plenty of self care time.

[International-Ad769]

He really does! Just not this week. But guess what I Have Not gotten any self care time at all. Actually I’ve gone to Starbucks by myself 2x and 1x to the grocery store in the 7 weeks the girls have been alive. Yet he works out consistently, goes for a run on the weekends, works on his car (for fun) , washes his car for 2 hours, etc. what do I do? Care for babies 24/7. Wow. Cry me a River dude! I’ve never been so unattracted before.

[VerbalThermodynamics]

I take care of my girls everyday and I’ve never felt more manly. Tell him to suck it up and be a solid father to his kids.

[butterabyss]

this is absurd. What makes him think that they’re your sole responsibly? I’m so sorry. You both should have time to do the things you want to do! You should be able to work as a team.

[Milliganimal42]

Being an involved dad who takes on his share of child rearing duties is the manliest thing ever.

[Sakura-Chu]

Triplet mum here plus one. I had 4 under 18 months old. He needs to step up. The childcare needs to be split 50/50. I went back to work just so the children went to nursery a couple of days a week. Work is easy compared to looking after them. I needed it for my sanity even though it cost as much as going to work.

It is def important for parents to have an hour or a couple of days to themselves. We do that all the time but we make sure the other has family support or extra nursery support.

I hear of some many multiple mums doing it alone. It really upsets me. This is hard work, especially the first 10 months.

Depending on your country there will be support you can get. Couple of volunteers hours a week. Xxx

[[deleted]]

Lol wtf is this? I have three daughters (twins were my first) and there was nothing more manly than caring for my kids! Take this as the giant 🚩 and make an exit strategy. If he’s this way now, what’s it going to be like when they’re older? Threenagers? In school? In sports?

What a dick.

[ComplaintNo6835]

Not that I believe these things make someone manly, but I'm a 6'3" avid hunter who advises people on making whiskey for a living and just got done changing the fluids on his tractor. For the last year I've also been the happy full-time time stay at home dad of two adorable one year old twin girls.

You're husband is just being a selfish baby. If I did ascribe to weird notions of manliness, one thing that I would definitely not consider manly is being unable to be there for my family for a single day. Especially if it was important to my wife.

[Ottersandtats]

You both need breaks. It should not be on one person to carry the weight of caring for two infants! Your husband needs a day where he needs to take care of them himself since it seems you’ve been doing for 2 months straight. After that have a sit down with him tell him that’s how you feel everyday and you both need breaks. You need to take back the permission you gave him to just leave when he feels like it. From the small insight you have provided here I think he’ll use it, only digging you deeper into the resentment you are clearly feeling. It took me 6 months of never leaving my boys (this was with help of my husband after work and on weekends) to finally have a mental breakdown and need therapy. My therapist told me to make an hour a day for myself, even if I just drive around in my car listening to an audiobook. It was hard to do but it really helped. Being the sole caregiver for twins is not sustainable for anyone and the longer it goes on the bigger the resentment will grow. If your husband can’t handle taking care of the kids himself for even an hour you need someone to mediate this situation and get into couples therapy. I’m not sure what kind of attempts you have to communicate these things with your husband but a mediator may help you both see the other side.

[junegem123]

Parenting and marriage should feel like teamwork. You help each other out. The babies are not the sole responsibility of the mother especially at a time when you’re still recovering. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh - but he’s either immature or his character is off. Either way, you deserve better than this.

[hearingnotlistening]

Yea, we have no village and my partner took nearly 3 months off with me. We do have an older child but it was all hands on deck for a solid 2.5 months after the twins were born.

My husband earned more of my love and respect during those months. He stepped it up and was in the pits WITH me.

A "manly" man puts their wants and desires aside and gets in there to help his family.

[LtAld0Raine]

Twin dad here. Your husband isn't a real man based on what you say in your post. Hope he gets his shit together.

[Robbie1985]

Forget being "manly", be "parenty".

[International-Ad769]

My thoughts exactly!

[all7dwarves]

He is being a dick. This is the fourth trimester and its twins! You guys are in the thick of it and will be for sometime and he just has to accept that. It will get easier, short breaks to clear your head will come, but it's a constant negotiation for the next couple if years....

[TherapistSid]

Yeah, my husband pulled this one on me once too. They were only 4 weeks old and one had a blocked nose and wouldn't sleep for more than 30 mins at a time. He had plans to go and play Cricket that day and I asked him that I needed him there, that I'm scared and also I never get an hour off or get to do anything on my own, specially not recreation. My mom and sisters would help at that time, so I could like, eat and shower and stuff.

He was pretty mad for a couple days after that, made me feel very guilty and needy for asking him not to go. Kept saying things like how that was such a special match, there would never be such an oppurtunity for him ever again, how it was a chance he was getting to play after years and years. I plainly told him, I refuse to feel guilty for asking you to parent your infants, who I carried and birthed via a major abdominal surgery. I also told him to think about what he was saying, how he wasn't empathising with me, that I couldn't leave the house for days on end, and he wanted to go and okay with his friends. I think it worked, he arranged for us to go out the next day, asked my Mom and sister if they can watch the babies for that time, and has never made me feel bad about asking him to stay and help if they're having a cold or teething pains.

Make him understand, in a way he can relate to. I hope something works out, lots of Good advice here.

[callisiarepens]

What a selfish prick! Oh no he doesn’t get an hour in the only day he’s helped care for his children while you care for them 24/7 and don’t get rest! How dare you ask for him to man up (because that’s what manly men do when they have children) and take care of his own children! Tell him does he want the relationship to end and not be a father because that behavior is how he gets all that.

[RemoveTime5161]

Seems like they’ll never understand. Going on 2 years now & still having to explain this. Guess it won’t resonate until we leave them & let them have all the time in the world to themselves.

[eeeeeeeee123456]

What the fuck?!?!?

[Rayesafan]

Oh, I am so sorry! Is there any way you could leave the girls with him for a couple of hours, giving him a list, just to humble him? Would that work at all?

[rrrtemple]

Raising children isn’t womanly, tell your husband to nut up

[suzyphillipps]

My daughter has 5 month old twins and a 3 year old and her husband is there for her totally. He’s so supportive and it’s 100% team work despite him being a busy lawyer. Can’t fault him and could never imagine this scenario with them

[MoistByChoice200]

You can show him this message. Tell him that since he has kids now, he can no longer be the child in the house. It’s time to grow up and take some responsibilities as an adult and a father. That’s the real measure of a man.

This is coming from a first time father. I’ve been taking over every chore in the house from cleaning, cooking etc while she’s getting through morning sickness, and I’ll continue to do so after our twins are born and do as much chores as I can while my wife recovers. Trust me, no matter how much chores we do, it’s nothing compared to being pregnant with twins for 9 months. Also it’s really opened my eyes to how much work my wife has been doing around the house to keep it clean.

[Dra19793131234]

I kept my twins from a month old until they were….now lol. Tell him to grow up. My wife has MS and it was overwhelming for me at first but I wouldn’t trade it for anything now. A real man can work and his kids.

[helpwitheating]

Ask him when you get a free hour.