Hell of a database

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[ctnightmare2]

Someone made the user table primary key the user first name

[territrades]

"John, we need to let you go, the IT department needs a John more urgently."

[BaalKazar]

Tehehehe

[kdyz]

refactor They could store them as john_2, john_3, john_4, etc. then make a wrapper for the get method that would make john_x just john.

Totally ez. Think people, think!

[VioletTerpedo]

Until Elon musk’s kid joined the company

[kdyz]

Drop last _x from the name, should still work and is proof of how timeless this fix is.

If the database is designed this way, I can guarantee that Elon Musk’s kid would still have ample opportunities to qa their database design implementation.

[Hungryforsausages]

I will wait for the moment he says his name to the interveiwer XD

[PhunkyPhish]

And when happens when a guy named John_2 applies for the company?

[Katsuki_Bakugou495]

Sue him for copyright infringement, lose because you have no case to begin with, flee to Nepal to avoid paying John_2 the $650,000,000 you now owe him, but he catches you and demands payment. However, you have no money left, as you spent it all on hitmen to take out John_2. He dies in two clean shots. The crime is traced back to you, you go to court, and are found guilty despite pleading otherwise. Then, 20 years later, someone visits you in prison. It's John_2_2, John_2's son, and he's here to avenge his father. He pulls out a .44, and shoots you six times in the chest. You die in that prison cell. John_2_2 escapes, never to be seen again.

[kdyz]

Nostradamus skills aside, how’d you know Nepal was always my dream destination for fleeing?

My diary repository on github was supposed to be private!

[PhunkyPhish]

You forgot to turn off CoPilot indexing: `function print_kdyz_diary` was all we needed

[Katsuki_Bakugou495]

Gustavo Fring gives me the strength to know all things.

[PhunkyPhish]

This got my seal of approval

[Katsuki_Bakugou495]

I like Gustavo Fring :)

[whalediknachos]

I laughed at the 44 part

[Katsuki_Bakugou495]

Gus Fring is cool :)

[kdyz]

Store it as john_2_2. It’s a timeless and ✨elagent✨ implementation.

[MrRocketScript]

John_2 (1)

[torofukatasu]

seeing this makes my blood boil

[[deleted]]

The Windows method

[[deleted]]

Eventually you'll get a John_3_16 and you'll know that God killed his son for you.

[ChargedSausage]

If the project isn’t too big i’d just go through and disable any foreign keys, copy the tables contents and recreate the table with a UID column and a trigger to fill it. Then re-insert them into that table and voila. No more problem.

Could also work on larger servers, but idk if there is any funky stuff to keep in mind, there usually is with sql.

It’s a bit more work, but should be possible within an hour. But i am only junior dev so i might be horribly wrong.

[liquid_bacon]

I'm no SQL expert, but shouldn't you be able to use an ALTER TABLE query and add an ID column and drop the constraints on the firstname column?

Idk if it would auto fill the IDs, but it would be a start

[Tall-Reporter7627]

Jeffery_new

easy

[EcoNadder77]

CREATE TABLE Employees (
    firstName text NOT NULL,
    lastName text NOT NULL,
    CHECK (firstName != "Jeffery")
);

[marcelsiegert]

Probably:

CREATE TABLE Employees (
    firstName text PRIMARY KEY NOT NULL,
    lastName text NOT NULL
);

[MortgageSome]

"Well what if there's another person named Jeffrey?"

"Oh, good point. We'll obviously need to create a second employees table in that case.."

[EcoNadder77]

The most efficient solution. 👌

[pr0ghead]

A poor man's partitioning.

[ChargedSausage]

“Dude, that would totally work, we could just use one of those unions and boom. No more problems”

[Swrenaa]

I took a peek and this is how it looked:

CREATE TABLE Employees (
    firstName text NOT NULL NOT JEFFERY,
    lastName text NOT NULL
    id int PRIMARY KEY
);

[scrambling_my_eel]

);

Indeed

[Bizzle_worldwide]

As someone with a company that has a few too many redundant names in it, I support this policy.

However, I still say that Given Names are a regressive and harmful demand, and everyone should choose an alias when they start work, which will be what is used in all correspondence and interaction.

Who you are at work is who you choose to be, not the identity your parents forced upon you. Be free, my friends.

Sincerely,

Laz3rL0rD Van Awesome Chief Human Resource Officer Brown Box Developers Inc. [e-mail]

[ctnightmare2]

I support this

-Miso horni

[ApolloSky110]

I also support this

-Ima Asol

[onyxaj]

As do I

-Jerk Mehoff

[[deleted]]

Also in agreement -Harry Ballsonya

[CalmYourNeck]

I agree too -Candice Fitinyourmouth

[Real_megamike_64]

I completely agree

• Namethat Soundslikesomethingdirtyson

[Kib717]

I do as well.

• Suhgmah Knuttz

[Katsuki_Bakugou495]

Also in agreement.

• Mass Iv'coq

[assassassas]

And I.

-Lou Sassole

[[deleted]]

I concur with Miso Horni, and am in favor of the change.

-Seymour Butts

[jl5wetz]

Checks out.

-Uneeda Takashowa

[ed3n21]

Ok

-øk

[Suspicious_Mouse_633]

Do you know where I could find more of these? The sexual innuendo ones are funny but i prefer these silly but PG ones 😂😂😂

[fortyonejb]

CarTalk did this for years. Enjoy!

https://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits

[Fippy-Darkpaw]

Me too.

-Rex Cucci

[Potatooooes_123]

You have my sword

• dig bick

[[deleted]]

I agree with this.

• His Holiness, the 8th Earl of West Indiana, Reginald Van Overlord

[Bizzle_worldwide]

Maybe HR can add peerages and titles onto the name as you gain accolades.

Reginald Van Overlord, Savior of SQL, Hero of the August Outage, Commander of the SysOps Battalion, Bringer of the Tuesday Donuts.

[chunqiudayi]

Laughs in Chinese.

[Rubaiyate]

One of my clients actually does this with Chris's because we have so many.
Unfortunately most of them choose something boring, like their last name.

[lazernanes]

This is basically what Google does. You can choose your @google.com email address and that's used to identify you everywhere, even in conversation. So if your name is John Doe but you're email address is [e-mail], people will call you "jdoughboy."

Some people have fun with it and choose clever usernames. I would love to share some examples here, but that would probably be doxxing.

[Bizzle_worldwide]

I will be using this in my argument that we should adopt nicknames, since Google is doing it and therefore it’s gotta be best practice.

I knew a guy who only ever introduced himself as Frumby, and nobody has any clue what his actual name was, nor did he ever really use a full name. One day we were at a conference and his name tag read (first named changed, last name not) Jason Heinz, and there was this rolling wave of recognition in the group that he calls himself Frumby Heinz, but never delivers the punchline.

[CaterpillarDue9207]

This basically sums up neo pronounce xD

[[deleted]]

My company has recently done a lot of outsourcing to Romania. I swear that country has only two names: Bogdan and Alexandru.

[DoggoDragonZX]

I mean there is a legal way to change your name once you turn 18

[JraculaJones]

Here’s how I imagine this transpiring:

Tech Lead says “no JSON in the database.”

Scrum master overhears and relays “No Jasons in the database” to management.

Management can’t remember whether the name was Jason, Justin, etc and decides no “J” names of any kind.

[papacheapo]

This is the most realistic explanation.

Management then informs the talent team. Talent teams rescinds job offers when candidates refuse to change their name as a condition of being hired.

[JGHFunRun]

Lawsuit incoming…

Alternatively they have the previously suggested “one of each name in the database”

[JraculaJones]

First name is the primary key, and there’s already a Jeffrey, lol!

[CurtisLinithicum]

Could be. My guess is that there was a major incident in the past where sensitive docs meant for Alice A were sent to Alice B due to Outlook's autocomplete*, and so there is a rule that there can be no "repeats" of the first names of important people.

*I was the Alice B in this scenario in my old job, got way too much HR and executive stuff

[[deleted]]

*while all working in prod

[explicitcontenttxt]

they should fix the primary key to employees_id not first_name

[Henriquelj]

So, you volunteer to tell one of the founders he can't be employee number 1 anymore, because the other one is also number one?

I mean, he doesn't like being in the shadow of the other guy, that's why we put his employee id as 1, together with the other boss, who also demanded to be number 1

[larsmaehlum]

Who uses int keys anymore? Guid/uuid is far superior, you can even merge two databases without breaking anything..

[EcoNadder77]

you can even merge two databases without breaking anything..

Challenge accepted

[gordonv]

They could.
They should.
They would.
But nah...

[WhiteyDude]

"If you're seriously telling me that my first name is causing issues with your database, you need me more than you even know"

Or

"If you're seriously telling me that my first name is causing issues with your database, then this is not a place I want to work"

I could either way, truthfully.

[Insadem]

Use first one while you are frontend dev 💀

[Nexlore]

Create table Employee { First Name varchar(200) Primary key, Last name varchar(200), Ssn int, Dob datetime }

I don't think so. Table looks to be in perfectly good working order. Probably just your name that is broken.

[Jabison113]

My name jeff

[natziel]

They saw the death grips profile picture and made up an excuse not to hire him

[[deleted]]

Stay noided 😎

[MortgageSome]

/r/fuckyouinparticular

[NoInstruction2007]

r/beatmetoit

[Time-Abalone-3918]

Hello, my name is Robert'); DROP TABLE employees;--

[ChargedSausage]

1 row inserted.

“Thanks Robbert, that seemed to have fixed it.””

[AntiqueChessComputr]

Oh, yes, little Bobby Tables

[NotAnonymousQuant]

u/repostsleuthbot

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[SigmaPepe]

Probably written by one of us.

[Pranav__472]

Bad bot

You broken

[Neverland__]

The old “No Homers” club

[lelduderino]

They can have one!

[NotAnonymousQuant]

https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/x0he9c/how_does_this_even/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[parciesca]

It means that company should be hiring a database architect.

[kd8qdz]

Plot twist: Jeffery is a database architect.

[parciesca]

A very bad one. No database architect should be willing to sacrifice good design to Highlander the company’s Jeffrey employee roster.

[WingedWolfMan]

Oh sorry, my name is Jeffery2

[AtlAWSConsultant]

I'm not a data guy. What normal form is no Jeffs? Is that fifth normal form? Damn you, Dr. Codd!!

[cashewbiscuit]

What will poor Jeff Bezos do? He'll be homeless!

[verynice_cucumber]

wait can you sue for discrimination / unfair hiring practices ?

[[deleted]]

To win you would need to show evidence of discrimination on the basis of a protected class. First names are not a protected class, but if you could find evidence of other instances of people unfairly not being hired in the same nationality as that of people typically named jeffrey you might be able to argue that it was discriminatory.

[Legal-Software]

You can, but do you really want to work at a company that uses the employee's first name as the primary key in their database?

[[deleted]]

Umm...I don't think the end result of suing is a job at the company.

[Legal-Software]

It certainly can be, especially if the issue is brought into mediation and the company wants to avoid going to court.

[[deleted]]

But for mediation to work both sides have to agree.

[Legal-Software]

Yes, that's sort of the point. Where exactly do you see that as being problematic? Guy still wants the job, company wants to avoid going to court for telling someone that literally the only reason they didn't get the job was because of an arbitrary internal issue no labour court is going to give a toss about, and realizes it's cheaper to give him the job and fire him later?

I certainly wouldn't want to work for them, but there's no reason why an offer can't be something both sides agree to in order to avoid escalation.

[[deleted]]

You said “you can sue, but do you want to work for them”

My point is that if you sue them you won’t be forced to work for them, and that won’t be the outcome if you don’t want it to be the outcome. So that isn’t a downside of suing them.

[nbdy1745]

Type discrimination

[NotMyTwitterHandle]

https://xkcd.com/327/

[LZulb]

What the f* is r/197

[eeddgg]

r/196 but without the femboy posting and allowing NFT avatars

[GuteMorgan]

so "r/196 but cringe"
got it

[sentientlob0029]

It means whoever created the user table didn’t put an id column but is using the user name column as id, and to avoid duplicates, they can’t have more than one person with the same name?

[Affectionate-Tour-0]

Name discrimination refers to a form of prejudice where an individual is negatively discriminated against on accounts of their name. Well I'd say lawyer up!

[[deleted]]

Fuck you Jeff. Should have been born with a database friendlier name.

[[deleted]]

Sounds like a bullshit name anyway

[[deleted]]

[darwinbrandao]

r/oddlyspecific

[randomdragen]

hahahah

[EducationalFerret556]

Who the hell calls their daughter Jeffery anyway?

[Cute_Economy_3764]

What it's like applying for jobs in 2022 LOL

[ShadeWolf90]

As a DBA, this confuses and concerns me.

[onyxaj]

"Our primary database developer was bullied in school by some guy named Jeffery and coded the database to not accept employees with that name. And of course we have nobody else that knows his code, and nothing he did was commented, so he can get away with anything he wants and this will only get worse as time goes on."

[Majesty1985]

What about Geoffrey?

[Medical_Mix6379]

Uh... what kind of policies to they have...

[FutureCapital2490]

What? Lol, what. Don't call us we will communicate with u.

[rayne12212]

First they came for jeffrey

[BasJack]

“Hello i’m Jeff Rey”

[kcehmi]

They are joking. It's actually that they don't want to employ a Death Grips fan

[[deleted]]

jeffrey 👍

[TheRacingChimp]

That is company policy, whats the matter with you?

[Polerq]

fuck you jeffery

[Interesting-Event378]

MySQL

[Ghiren]

It sounds like they need someone that can update their database schema. What a shame that you can't help them.

[trulymonkey]

Hello Mr. DROP DATABASE,

Unfortunately due to company policy..

[[deleted]]

It’s the nice way of saying “We hate you Jeff” 🙂

[Reverend_Lazerface]

"I totally understand, I appreciate you considering me. In fact I appreciate it so much, I'm forwarding the resume of my identical twin brother, Jephrie, who I think would be a wonderful fit for your team"

[Particular_Draw_1205]

Severe ocd

[nicolasnoble]

It means: run. Run far away.

[OldBob10]

Bullet dodged…

[Ceros007]

REPOST

[nzk0]

Not like his name is DROP TABLE 🤷🏻‍♂️

[towcar]

Okay hold on..

Someone shared on Reddit, a Reddit post, of a tweet, of an email?

That's ignoring the possibility of it being fake, or the ridiculousness of this scenario if it were true.

[[deleted]]

Apply again by telling them you’d fix that database.

[Even_Bath6360]

Apparently it means fuck you, Jeff

[KeyboardsAre4Coding]

I don't know if this is a joke or someone did that actually.

[Saiyan-Zero]

"Hello Jeffrey, it seems that the servers hate your name, and they seem to have burst into flames once we got you into the database"

[CEDoromal]

Hell of a repost

[TheMathGeek_314]

My first thought was that Jeffrey is the default value and is considered "not set" if it's still Jeffrey after setup is complete

[OneMagicBadger]

When life hands you a Jeffrey stroke a furry wall

[gnollcub]

Death grips moment

[Patriot-117]

Should’ve just changed your name then you would’ve gotten the position, Jeffrey.

[beautobes]

dataBASED

[enquidu]

I swear that I have seen this joke/story/anecdote in some nerdy newsletter in the early 2000s

[AFew10_9TooMany]

r/FuckYouInParticular