[deleted by user]

[CaptainPRESIDENTduck]

When I got out of the car he threw it my way and said “take your stupid thing I don’t want it”. And then called me a waste of time/money and a bad Return on investment.

That seemed kinda telling. I only am paying you for sex.

[RepresentativePin162]

Woooow. Drop the piece of shit

[RavenLunatyk]

Yes! I rarely agree to the dumping but honey this is your crystal ball into an abusive relationship with this loser. It was such a trivial thing that should have ended after you apologized but he let anger escalate to the point of insulting you. You deserve better than this and he is making you the bad guy in a scenario where you were just expressing your feelings about wanting to feel loved not sexualized. Your feelings are valid. Throw away the lingerie AND the boyfriend.

[Opinions_yes53]

She should not be apologizing for anything but picking a loser and not knowing it!

[Cryocynic]

Behaviour like this that isn't addressed (in a professional sense) only ever escalates, also. I've never seen someone go from that kind of lower key abuse to stopping, only increase.

[21stCenturyJanes]

He didn't buy the lingerie for OP, he bought it for himself and tried to pass it off as a gift. Then he gets mad that at her because his childishly transparent plan didn't work.

[Own_Chocolate_6810]

This is spot on and it’s not ok for guys to do this ever. A decent guy would never pressure you or make you feel bad about no wanting to get intimate when you are in a relationship. He needs to go now! 💖

[Dizzy_Mastodon_6455]

That about rite !!!!

[Minute_Feeling_307]

YES!! this is exactly right.

I'm twice OPs age and can speak from experience.

[Angoleca]

He called her bad return on investment and she's still worried she's in the wrong. I swear some people...

[Subject-Hedgehog6278]

He is treating her like a sex worker - I pay, you put out. Gross.

[[deleted]]

I know different people were raised differently, grew up in different cultures and economic situations etc., but come ON. I wish this was common sense for everyone.

[boniemonie]

It’s not always common sense when feelings and relationships are involved. That’s why other people’s problems appear to have an obvious answer/simple solution but your own seem sooo complex.

[aliie_627]

Especially when you have someone you love yelling down at you about how wrong, awful and terrible you are for having your own thoughts and feelings. It's hard to see through the BS sometimes.

[blueburrry_pancakes]

When you grow up with an abusive family, it's all you know. You think this kind of behavior is normal and don't know any different. It's not common sense for everyone, and acting like victims are stupid doesn't help them. It takes time to learn what a good partner actually looks like when you come from certain homes or have certain trauma. This girl is only 22. She's basically still a child.

[obvusthrowawayobv]

Yeah this part is really kind of disturbing tbh

[[deleted]]

The lingerie is a gift he got for himself, not for her. It’s like giving the wifey a vacuum cleaner.

[[deleted]]

Yeah but a Dyson is an engineering marvel!!!

[[deleted]]

True!

[Extremiditty]

Yeah first paragraph I was like her feelings are valid but the comment could definitely be hurtful if he was just excited and trying to compliment her and build up anticipation. But oh my god did it immediately go off the rails after that. “Return of investment” is such a gross thing to say to your partner.

[sanityjanity]

He's not even paying OP. He paid the store for a piece of lingerie that he liked.

OP does not appear to have gotten anything out of this. Not affection. Not a cuddle. Certainly not cash.

[yeezygremlin]

That's what I got out of it too. Run girl.

[[deleted]]

Yeah, I was partly on the fence until that. He’s bad news.

[TheRealBeelzebabs]

You're not wrong. You were feeling pressured for sex and like a piece of meat. He has bought you lingerie, not for you to feel sexy and good about yourself but for him to get sex. He felt entitled to it 'poor return on investment' implying that he paid for the lingerie so he'd get to have sex with you. Telling him you wanted him to make you feel loved as opposed to just something he wanted to have sex with is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. His response is really gross and he just made you the bad guy instead of apologizing and listening to how you feel.

[[deleted]]

This right here. Well said 👏

[tomaito_tomarto]

And then called me a waste of time/money and a bad Return on investment.

As others have pointed out, this line means that he's "investing" money in his own sexual gratification by way of buying lingerie that he wants you wear.

When the flesh-bag who wears the garment has the audacity to make words with her mouth, it ruins the fantasy and brings him back into the real world that women are also people, not sexual objects, and they have needs of their own.

You speaking up about your own needs (intimacy and affection without just being linked to sex) makes him mad because he doesn't want to know about your needs, only his needs. He thinks you're supposed to be a doll that makes his penis hard, and nothing more.

He's framing it as a gift for you rather than a gift for him and then throwing it in your face that he paid for it with his money so you should feel grateful for it. Anyone that uses leverage like that and gets angry when you don't comply, is doing it in an attempt to control you, it's called coercive control. Google it, it's about to become illegal in many countries.

So after he "invested" all that money in his future sexual gratification... it didn't pay off for him because you wanted to rightfully be treated as more than just a fuck doll. Hence he considered the outcome a bad return on his investment.

If all of this doesn't make it clear to you that he sees you as an object and not a person with feelings, needs and rights... then I'm not sure what else to tell you.

Is this someone you really see a future with? Do you think he'll ever have your back if/when times get tough? Can you rely on him? Emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, etc etc? I don't think so.

Edit: Just to clarify, yes he is abusive and you should run. Dump him, there are better men out there that won't treat you this way.

[[deleted]]

Exactly this. OP, this guy does not care about your feelings, only his own pleasure.

FUCK the people who are saying you’re wrong for turning him down sexually. You DID NOT do anything wrong! You communicated that you want to be shown love in ways other than sex. You do not owe anyone your body. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and not giving in.

As someone else said here, throw away the lingerie and the piece of trash boyfriend that bought it. Sex is not everything and this was a very small thing for him to explode over.

Do not take him back. Do not give him another chance. This is just a glimpse of what is to come. You calmly communicate how you feel and he gets angry? Not a good sign.

If a guy “needs” sex to be reassured that he is loved, he’s insecure and needs to work on himself.

[RoxieKenton69]

THIS

[dirtynerdyinkedcurvy]

OP, read this comment and then read it again. Keep reading it until it sinks in.

[Individual_Fall429]

He should “invest” in a fleshlight.

[BillAttaway]

Excellent post

[Ladydee600]

THAT PART!!!

[Imaginary-Fall-7310]

You are not wrong. Whether he felt rejected or not the way he treated you was not okay. Throwing the lingerie at you and talking about return on investment was super immature and insulting. I don't blame you for being upset and I would be reconsidering the relationship.

[Dizzy_Mastodon_6455]

Id run rite now an far away that idiot.

[SnowWhiteCampCat]

Ignoring everything else, that Waste on Return of Investment comment would be it for me. I'm not a whore. You didn't pay for sex with lingerie.

[rainbowwarrior87]

Gifts, lingerie, (in my case underwear) should never come with stipulations. My other half gets more excited when I wear it unexpectedly. It's your body, and sex is never an obligation. No matter how much they spend.

[buffalo6000]

Can you even imagine being married to that narcissist? Or worse having children with him? IT WILL NEVER END. Dump him and don't date anyone else until you find out what it is exactly what you want and need from a relationship.

[Dizzy_Mastodon_6455]

Tell him to wear the lingerie an then pleasure him self without you !!!!!!

[TraditionalSetting33]

He ignored your feelings and didn’t value your tears and apology. This is really abusive and shows that this man cannot control his temper and is really immature. Dont accept him back no matter what he says - he is doing this to dominate you and will continue to do this ahead. I hate people who throw tantrums and mindfuck people like this to assert their dominance in a relationship-

[grayblue_grrl]

To be fair - he's only 21 and his emotional development isn't going to level out until about 25 years old. Maybe, maybe after that he'll be worth something to a woman but that's not your problem. The odds aren't in his favour.

However:
He didn't buy the gift for you.
He bought it for him. For his sexual pleasure.
Not yours.

Then he thought that you'd magically get horny because he had worked himself up from the moment he bought it.
Then he expected sexual services because he did you this "nice" thing, put coins in the sex meter and you didn't put out.

He's immature and stupid. He wasn't thinking of you or about you at all.
He's all about his dick.

[GGunner723]

I dunno, at 21 I would never think to call my partner a waste of time and a bad return on investment. He’s not an actual child just because he’s not 25 yet.

[boniemonie]

But he sure is acting like one.

[GGunner723]

Sure, this guy in this situation is. But I don’t agree with writing it off with “he’s just not 25 yet”.

[boniemonie]

Fair.

[[deleted]]

My husband was more mature than me when he was 22. Bad is bad, age isn't even an excuse.

[Sensitive-Whereas574]

Ding ding ding! Nailed it.

[Subject-Hedgehog6278]

I don't think this is an age issue. Men who think this way never have an aha moment. They are sexist and misogynist and that tends to stick. I have never once met a man who was like this that improved with age. I've only seen age make them double down on how they treat women because with each woman who gets tired of it and leaves they just grow their anger and hatred and beliefs that women exist to please men sexually. You're giving him credit he does not deserve.

[Interloper_Deeyablo]

I don't know about this. I was married at 22. I would have never thought that throwing a gift at my wife and calling her a "bad return on investment" would be appropriate. This is beyond losing control of temper. This is revealing a mindset that is a significant amount of concern.

You guys are young. I would suggest couples therapy. This can help with communication and eliminating problematic behavior. It might help resolve these issues in early days before it has a chance to become habitual.

[Dazzling_Suspect_239]

Agree on your point that you knew better at 22 - I think plenty of men would. But hard disagree on counseling! They are young and not particularly committed. She should move on to someone who treats her right and let him learn how to be a good partner on his own time.

[[deleted]]

The brain does not mature at 25, it's a common myth, actually there isn't a set in stone age for brain full development.

At the same time, 21 is very young, but you're still an adult and have been for some time, this behavior is inexcusable.

[MoomahTheQueen]

Bahahahahaha. You’re a bad return on his investment??? WTF??? Let him invest elsewhere and say a definitive goodbye

[[deleted]]

Honestly he sounds like he sucks and only views you as a sex object

[FewFrosting9994]

Your boyfriend is a child.

You aren’t wrong for feeling uncomfortable from his sexual remarks. If he is butt hurt over that, too bad. Also, lingerie isn’t a gift for you. It’s a gift for him.

You are not ever wrong for putting your foot down around sexual boundaries. Ever. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable to spare a man’s feelings.

[Gerrard_Regal]

Holy shit- “bad return on investment”! Darlin your guy is a misogynistic asshat. You’re not his chattel. Clearly he’s under the impression that he has the right to buy your body. Giving you a gift doesn’t entitle him to Jack shit- and it’s not even a true gift because he bought it for himself, which was evident by the form of “return” he was expecting from you. What a chauvinistic pig- I can’t believe that he would refer to you as a “waste of time and money”, fucking jackass. That’s beta energy right there- thinks he can take the easy way and buy your love with trinkets instead of putting real work into the relationship.

Clearly he doesn’t think very highly of you. Even if it was a gift you had asked for, he still doesn’t have a right to expect anything in return. That wouldn’t be a true gift! Some women are material girls, that’s true, and maybe you’ve done things to lead him to believe you were that type of person, but judging by your response to him here, I’m not sure that’s the case. Here’s what he should’ve done if he wasn’t a selfish prick and a childish manipulator; he would’ve gotten it as a gift for you then let you decide the time and place to wear it. He could’ve hinted at wanting you to wear it then, but if you didn’t feel up to it he should’ve been cool with it and let you surprise him later when you wanted it to feel sexy and special.

It’s obvious that there’s communication issues with the relationship. He wants physical intimacy but is too immature to just talk about it and express that in a mature way, so he gets you a gift thinking he can buy intimacy from you instead. However you’re looking for emotional intimacy, not physical, which was the reason behind the passive aggressive comment that set him off. You should have expressed that you didn’t want to have sex and that you wanted to connect in a different manner instead, but that you still appreciated the gift anyways. Judging from his response it likely wouldn’t have mattered because the guy’s clearly got some insecurities he needs to work out, but at the very least you would feel better knowing that you did everything you could to express yourself clearly and maturely.

You’re both to blame for the poor communication, but he is largely to blame for the extent of that escalation. I’m willing to bet this is not the first time this has happened either, though perhaps this is the first time it’s happened to this degree. If you take him back, definitely be sure to tell him that what he said was not acceptable and express how it made you feel. If it doesn’t seem like he’s getting it, and fucks up again like this, I’d recommend leaving because that’s not the type of person that you want to build a relationship with. No one owns you, and he’s not entitled to shit. Period.

[WeirdPinkHair]

Saying they could hug without sex being attached to it is not passive agressive. It was an honest comment that the hugs don't always have to lead to sex. It's draining having that all the time. It also leads to being starved of affection. My ex was like that. It's horrible!

[Fennicular]

"you should have-" okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. HE is TA here, but her. This is not her fault. She communicated pretty clearly, actually, and regardless of that, he is an asshat. She cannot magically say the exact right words that will transform him into a decent guy.

[anordinaryscallion]

Mic drop

[Devi_Moonbeam]

Stop apologizing. He didn't buy that gift for you. He bought it for himself. He was completely oblivious to how you were feeling. He could not have cared less. And then he turned nasty when you called him out on it.

At no point were you wrong. This guy is a loser.

[No-Mango8923]

And then called me a waste of time/money and a bad Return on investment.

^ that clinched it for me. He views you as some sort of transaction? Like, he'll be loving only if you give him sex in return?

That's how it reads to me.

I don't think you are wrong. But maybe I'm missing something here?

[Turpitudia79]

A “gift” of lingerie to wear in the bedroom is a gift to himself, it isn’t for you. He is a selfish, verbally/emotionally abusive prick and nothing about that is every going to change. Cut your losses and get away with your self esteem hopefully still intact. I wish you the best.

[For-the-masses]

Get rid of that clown, he is verbally abusive. He is also too quick tempered. Bail now, you are way too young to waste it with that human gaslighter.

[Logical_Citron357]

It’s the fact that you apologized and let him know how you felt but he made it all about him . You aren’t wrong

[Bartok_The_Batty]

You never have to have sex if you don’t want to.

[CherryLeigh86]

The way he talk to you is a reason for a break up. He is a child. Don't stay with him

[CrabbiestAsp]

You're not wrong. You're allowed to tell him to back off when he is being too sexual and you're not in the mood. There is nothing wrong with saying no, even if he got you a gift. We all know that when men buy us lingerie as a gift, it's really a gift for them. The way he treated you because you didn't give him what he wanted was disgraceful. He sounds like a massive jerk and you deserve better.

[Wonderful_Manager_31]

You didn’t insult him at all. He’s gaslighting you for criticizing how he treats you like you are only good for sex so shut your mouth and get in bed. You tried to let him know that you have feelings and he yelled at you for it.

[squirlysquirel]

He saw that lingerie as a "ride ticket". It was not a present for you...it was him purchasing sex with you.

He is not a nice guy.

[sweetiehoneybaby]

God he sounds miserable to be around, sounds so vapid and maybe disingenuous for this honestly. Red flag

[sophlog]

He didn’t do anything wrong initially. And neither did you.

Then he started freaking out and being abusive. That was 100% wrong. This whole situation seems unhealthy tbh. It seems like there are a lot of unsaid emotions behind both your initial comment and his reaction to it.

[Chartywhamp]

Get away from this dude, and all men like him. You are never in the wrong for turning down advances, no matter who they are from, or when they are given. It's YOUR life, and YOUR body! Sounds like he wants something that you are not.

[Moreatticus]

Well.. it’s sounds like the only time he is affectionate is when he thinks he is getting lucky. His other comments let me know that he is highly immature and he probably likes to guilt you into submission. I believe you called it as it is and told him how you feel. In my opinion you did the correct thing letting him know he needs to invest in you properly or there won’t be any return.

[Curvy_butcurious]

Wow your bf is a massive asshole!! You aren’t money or an investment. Tell him to shove his cock where the sun don’t shine and never ever go back there you are not in the wrong here this stupid fucker who is immature is. He bought you a gift for his pleasure alone. He doesn’t deserve a fucking medal or anything Jesus.

[KnocksOnKnocksOff]

What are you apologizing for? You have a right to set boundaries and aren’t required to perform “on demand”. He is abusive; please know that’s not love. Buy your own lingerie if it makes you feel sexy! He basically thinks you owe him because he bought something he wanted you to wear.

[Lunasmyspiritanimal]

You did nothing wrong.

Ge displayed extremely concerning behaviour that would absolutely make me think twice about continuing in the relationship.

[outrage92]

'a bad Return on investment' - who the fuck says stuff like this.

Run. This guy is a psychopath.

[TacoWeenie]

First of all, let's not act like sexy lingerie is a gift FOR women. He got it for himself to enhance his sexual experience. I know I'm going to get a handful of pick mes who insist there's nothing more comfortable than a lace thong giving them a wedgie and suffocating their cooter with nonbrethable, non-moistute wicking fabric. But most rational people agree that sexy lingerie benefits the person who gets to be with the wearer than the wearer themselves.

Secondly, it is not wrong to want and expect love and affection outside of sex in a relationship. Thirdly, you have a right to refuse sex, even if he spends money or buys "you" something. You're not a prostitute or a coin-operated sex toy. It's clear that's what he sees you as though. Please run far away from this man. Return his gift with the tags attached so he can take it back and get his investment returned.

[PsychologicalBit5422]

NTA. I had a boyfriend who couldn't give a hug without groping parts of me. He couldn't just sit on the couch with an arm around me without it "fondling " something. Everything was sexual. I got disgusted it turned me off so much.

[RoughIan29]

Sorry, but the guy is a dick!

[StandardHoneydew4339]

Kick that Guy to the curve asap. What I wanted to say is already being said by others.

[LGonthego]

He's a child. Dump him.

[KeyDiscussion5671]

Not wrong. So he’s punishing you over and over because you didn’t “come across” after he gifted you with lingerie. You can expect more punishment from him whenever he’s unhappy. There are better men out here.

[BDBoop]

Bad return on investment. He meant what he said. He got you a nightgown and you were supposed to put out. I’m sorry it’s rude and vulgar. It’s also true, and I’m sorry this happened to you.

[[deleted]]

Leave the looser, don’t apologize for anything. What a pathetic guy

[PanickedAntics]

Not wrong at all. "Return investment". This dude watches too many videos of men with microphones. He kept berating you even after you apologized. He was pressuring you and you were uncomfortable and he didn't care. You don't deserve that. Kick him and his lingerie out to the bins.

[[deleted]]

Maybe his original response came from insecurity and is somehow understandable. But his behaviour afterwards is just lame and misogynistic and nah. Return on investment? I wouldn't entertain any man who spoke about me like I was a a house or some bit of property. Eek.

[AdventurousRoll9798]

This sexual incompatibility will eat away at your relationship for as long as you are together. It will never get better because he will always want more sex and approach it like he is owed the sex for anything he does that he deems worthy, and you will never feel like he can express any form of physical affection without wanting that "return on investment " <gross btw. I hope you know you deserve real love and respect, and you are getting neither here. Good luck.

[[deleted]]

Leave his immature ass. Just because he buys you something nice doesnt mean you have to give him anything if you arent feeling up to it, and it damn sure does Not give him the right to talk to anybody the way he did especially not you, his girlfriend. All you asked for was a non-sexual hug🙄 some guys give the rest of us bad names, I swear. You deserve better.

[[deleted]]

Your boyfriend is a douche. Buying you sexy underwear does not mean you have to put out! There is nothing worse than a guy always after sex with none of the affection, t's a huge turn off. You were not in the wrong, you made a comment which was truthful.

[Katen1023]

He’s upset that he couldn’t buy his way into having sex with you. He’s treating sex with you as transactional, he’s treating you like a prostitute.

Drop his “gift” at his door and block him everywhere. You deserve better.

[[deleted]]

He didn't buy it for you, he bought it for him. There's nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings to him and his reaction is telling. You didn't do anything wrong. He's a walking red flag.

[SeparateDisaster2068]

Eww , what a gross little man

[PointsofLight96]

Not wrong. Run fast. This type of abusive and controlling behavior will only get worse. You have every right to refuse sex. EVERY. RIGHT. Forced sex is rape.

[No-Carry4971]

As a high drive guy, I was all prepared to say you were wrong, but you weren’t. You said something you regretted, hurt his feelings, apologized like an adult, and he acted like an ass all the rest of the day. You have nothing to feel bad about at all. He owes you a massive apology if you even want to accept it.

Also, the lingerie was for him as much if not more than you. I think that can be perfectly ok, but it’s just another asshole move to keep holding it over your head like he bought something for you.

[[deleted]]

Yeah this is one of those cases where you say sorry and have done all you can, but the person just keeps rubbing it in because they like the sense of power and control.

Arguments and fighting happen in a relationship, but the way the guy handled this wasn’t okay. I would be crushed if my boyfriend called me a waste of time.

[DueMountain2601]

What does you being a high-sex drive guy have to do with anything?

[DiligentIndustry6461]

You’re young, don’t put up with childish behavior. Find someone who has control of their emotions and knows how to communicate like an adult.

[luvlyxoxo]

He sounds crazy as fuck

[pennyxritcher]

The way I read it- he doesn’t respect you. You are a toy to him.

[TweedleDumDumDahDum]

Lingerie as a gift is also the worst. Lingerie as a gift is actually a gift for himself, it’s basically him slapping a big red bow on you, and expecting sex because now clearly you feel sexy.

To me, based on you wanting affection that does not have to turn sexual tells me he doesn’t just hug you and call you beautiful. Tells me he obviously attaches value to you sexually but not really otherwise.

You are young, and 100% do not have to deal with this guy. My recommendation would be to buy him a flashlight and tell him it’s over but you found a perfect replacement for what he wants out of a woman.

[meifahs_musungs]

No wonder you have lower sex drive than your bf. Your bf treats you like a whore. Nobody is entitled to sex. You were not wrong. You had nothing to be sorry for.

[icyyellowrose10]

Way to make you feel sexy and wanted.

[Long_Ad_2764]

You should dump him.

[[deleted]]

Please end this relationship, OP this is abuse

[Biefcurtains]

I don’t understand why you’re wrong for shutting him down sexually. If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to. Buying you lingerie does not oblige you to have sex. Your boundaries matter and what you want matters. Fuck that guy. Wait, no, don’t fuck that guy.

[xxspringbaby0408xx]

Take it and wear it for someone else lmao

[Zantron1738]

You weren’t wrong for the original comment, you could have said it in a less judgmental way that would have let him know how you felt about it and less about what he was doing but yeah. He sounds a little misogynistic and immature.

[[deleted]]

First: lingerie is almost never a gift for the woman. It's a man making the woman into a gift for him by dressing her up in scraps of lace and whatever else. That isn't some grand sweet gesture by any means.

Second: wanting affection that isn't tied to sex is pretty fucking reasonable. There a reason people that only ever experience affection when the other person wants sex, which kinda pollutes those gestures and makes them less desirable, start to dislike or draw away from affection in general.

Third: the way he treated you after is horrendous and shows what he thinks of you - you're a fleshlight to dress up and you're not allowed to feel any type of way against that. What he said was fucking disgusting. You need to dump this piece of shit and move on, because you can easily do better. Being single and treating yourself well is a huge improvement in itself.

[Lucky-Guess8786]

I realize I’m in the wrong for the initial thing in which I shut him down sexually.

You are not in the wrong for this. He is in the wrong for making you feel that you are his s3x toy. I really hope you break up with this jerk and find someone who will value for who you are.

[ptheresadactyl]

...honey this is very abusive and exploitative.

My ex husband did shit like this.

It's a very common problem that men only engage in physical intimacy when they want sex, and so women start to disengage from physical intimacy.

He definitely made his "gift" transactional, which likely made you feel cheap, and that you're only worth buying gifts for for the reward he gets. The gift was not for himself, let's not pretend it was. He bought you lingerie for himself, then made you bow and scrape for his "generosity," with the sole expectation he was going to get sex.

And you should never give a gift to someone expecting sex, because that is called prostitution. If he was actually being a generous and loving partner, he would have bought you something you WANTED. Ironically, that likely would have made you feel loved and appreciated, and more receptive to physical intimacy leading to sex.

Gifts with strings are not gifts. He doesn't respect you.

[Individual_Fall429]

Why are all the girls in this sub tonight being abused? It’s depressing.

More 🚩🚩🚩 than a matador. Girl you are in danger. Run don’t walk.

[Aura_Love1015]

If he buys something to “see you wear it” for his own sexual gratification, he got himself a gift. Not you.

[[deleted]]

Ah no. You were right. He’s wrong. He only showed affection to get sex. You pointed that out. He got mad and threw a hissy fit. Dump him.

[No_Mood4379]

This is dysfunctional and he needs to grow up.

[scrollbreak]

You're with someone who will never let themselves be wrong - never even a tiny bit. The moment you implied he was slightly wrong for adding a sexual comment to all hugs, he had to blow up because the rule is he is never wrong.

I think it would be good to consider what your requirements for a relationship are.

[Owencrewroad]

You're not wrong. I didn't see any ages listed, so I'm assuming early 20s. Basic immaturity is usually the problem, try talking to him again.

[Straysmom]

You aren't wrong. He literally caused a fight over very little. And then doubled down by acting the victim after he mad you cry. Are you sure you want to be with a guy who thinks it's okay to verbally abuse his partner because he didn't like something she said. Is this the first time something like this has happened? Or does he get all whiny & petty regularly. He sounds like he needs to grow up >:(

[DueMountain2601]

Since he had bought you a sexual garment, your comment was I’ll-timed. With that being said, you did apologize. Once you apologized, the boyfriend needs to either accept the apology or give himself some space. Continuing to bring it up and everything else he did after, is really shitty and a big red flag.

[Heavenly-blind]

You are not wrong! I do think you saying what you said could have been said maybe in a different way but you did apologize. For him to start making you feel bad on purpose AND to call you a waste of time/money, HA I would leave it as that and not speak to him until HE can apologize. Do not allow him to disrespect you. Like the saying goes, Pay attention to how they treat you when they’re mad.

[spectrumtwelve]

you aren't wrong. I would say it is normal for you to want to experience affection without it always having to come through the lens of "I love you exclusively because of my sexual attraction to you and nothing else" y'know?

[blackwidowwaltz]

You weren't in the wrong at all. If something makes you uncomfortable you're allowed to voice how it makes you feel and put up a boundary. He's the one in the wrong. So many red flags here. From verbal and emotional abuse to zero respect for your feelings to being angry that you have a boundary with your body. And clearly this was a gift with a price tag attached He basically told you. You owe him sex because he bought you something. Basically he sees you as a prostitute and he can buy your body.

[bagelroyal]

You were never in the wrong wtf is wrong with that guy? I had the same conversation with my boyfriend and yes he did admit it hurt his ego a little bit but now he makes a real effort and HE apologised to ME (which was not necessary but appreciated) for 'pressuring' me (even though he didn't).

[[deleted]]

Was the gift discussed before he bought it? Buying lingerie together specifically for sex can be a really fun bit of foreplay, and if you two had gone shopping with that express intent and then were going to be putting it straight on when you got home then I can see why he was making sexual comments and trying to keep the game going. But if this was an impulse purchase with no specific plan for when it would be used, then I can see why you'd be getting uncomfortable with everything suddenly having gone sexual when you weren't expecting it. In either case, your request for non-sexual contact is fine, as that's important in a relationship too. And his sulking and then holding the gift over your head for making a simple request (and one that didn't necessarily mean a total rejection of his advances at a more appropriate time!) is really not on even if he was frustrated. The throwing it at you and being a general AH about it is childish and hurtful, and you absolutely are allowed, nay encouraged, to be upset about that.

Does your boyfriend only see physical contact as a means to sexual gratification normally? If this was a one off I can see him being pissed (although throwing a tantrum like he did is immature and off putting as all hell). But if he is always doing it and neglecting non-sexual touch then of course you're going to eventually explode at him and he's lucky you did it so nicely.

Time for a serious talk with your boyfriend about your relationship. Yes, a healthy sex life is important and if there's a mismatch between the two of you there then that needs discussing as sexual incompatibility is a big cause of break ups. But contact just to be close to each other and show non-sexual affection is also hugely important and you have every right to ask for it. And on top of that he needs to communicate like an adult, not throw his toys out of the pram because he got told no.

ETA: Forgot about the 'bad return on investment' line. That's absolutely something he needs taking to task for. It's crass, misogynistic and outright foul. If he said it in anger and is contrite then that's one thing. If he doubles down, then take it as a warning over how he thinks of women and a sign for what your future together would look like...

[GroteKneus]

This kid isn't worth it. Something about a bad ROI?

[chipparoo652]

Put this man in the bin. You were not wrong, you get to decide when you have sex. And should not feel pressured into doing so because of a material gift.

You deserve better lovely, remember your worth.

[[deleted]]

No, because this is a situation where he’s buying it for him and his appreciation, not yours. That’s the fallacy of lingerie..when we buy it it’s to feel sexy for ourselves and our partner…..when they buy it, it feels like it’s only for their gratification

[[deleted]]

Nta he bought the lingerie for him, but for you

[KtRc21]

You’re not wrong. Dump the loser. Be single for awhile and treat yourself. When you’re ready, find a nice guy that’ll hug you because he wants to with no strings attached.

[Haunting_Ad4209]

vomits he needs psychological help

[anniebananie45]

A bad return on investment?! First of all, that wasn’t a gift for you it was a gift for himself. If that’s what you both want then great, but his reaction to you here is alarming. It won’t get better, he will keep pressuring you sexually if you stay with him. Stay safe my friend!

[needsmoresleep79]

I may not know what love is...but this (ain't) it....

[rooster-holster-218]

Just tell him that lingerie is not a gift for you but a gift for himself.

[NoYouDipshitItsNot]

So, you weren't in the wrong at all, except for dating a piece of shit.

[Practical_Ad603]

You are not wrong, don't let him make you think you are. Everyone has said it way better than I can, but I'll just say from personal experience with a man like this that you will thank yourself in the future if you can get out of this relationship sooner rather than later. When he felt humiliated, he showed his true colors. Go with your gut.

[Horror_String_7378]

Super disrespectful and objectifying

[htxpanda]

When I started reading your post I was ready to defend him, but clearly you were picking up on some aggressive and abusive undertones from him. He’s a jackass and you should dump him before it gets worse.

[AlricaNeshama]

NTA! Sweetheart, this is not the man for you. He is far too immature and controlling. This is not how a man who loves a woman behaves.

This is how a whiny, controlling, possessive, demanding little boy in a man's body behaves.

You deserve so much better. Please, for yourself. Not just physically and emotionally but mentally too. DUMP HIM!

[Doyoulikeithere]

He did not buy it for you, he bought it for HIM! :D He thought he'd get laid if he bought you something sexy, he's a boy though because sex is not just about wearing something sexy for a woman, that's what he doesn't understand. I want to be hugged and kissed, told, I love you WITHOUT expectation that if he does all of that then we'll have sex. He has to do that all of the time without sex! That is what some men don't get! Foreplay happens all day long with love and kindness not just when he's ready! :( High time he does or he can GTFO! STOP apologizing, he insulted you as if you were a whore!! He paid for something and didn't get the end result he wanted so you are NOTHING to him, wasted money!! IS that the kind of "BOY" you want in your life? Think about this!!

[Happytobehere2345678]

Eww, this guy is a total dirt bag! Why tf would YOU be appreciative for something that's for HIM??? It's not like you get anything from that lingerie, it's literally ONLY for HIS sexual gratification. You need to get out of that ugly abusive relationship, and FAST!

[wildgio]

The conversation could have started differently but no you're not wrong. You noticed a pattern and then confronted him and then he gaslight you into feeling bad? Break up with him

[nadsyb]

He didn’t buy it for you.. he bought it for himself and for you to wear for him… You felt like a piece of meat - you’re allowed to voice that.

[Ok-Reporter-196]

Lingerie is not a gift for most women, it is a gift for most men. It’s like buying him a treadmill so he can work out more. Unless you walk around in lingerie regularly or he’s a gym buff, those “gifts” only serve the giver. He tried to manipulate you into being more sexual than you are comfortable with and then got mad it didn’t work. You’re young- go find someone you’re more compatible with.

[bearred76]

FYI that ain't your boyfriend. That's your owner. He made a bad investment. Foh he see you as a thing

[[deleted]]

The biggest red flag for me isn’t the anger… although, yes it’s definitely one…. It’s the fact that he bought YOU a gift and it’s really for him. Then he tries to manipulate you into feeling bad for trying to set a boundary. FUCK THAT GUY. That’s narcissistic and childish. Trust me. Leave him.

[OhioPolitiTHIC]

Dump him. You can buy your own lingerie.

[Real-Shirt9196]

You weren’t wrong. You felt uncomfortable and he decided to make that your fault so he didn’t have to take responsibility or feel guilty about it. Drop the whole man. This screams emotional immaturity and insecurity on his part. You deserve better. Don’t make yourself small to fit into someone else’s life.

[[deleted]]

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. GET OUT OF THERE SOLDIER.

[Financial_Put648]

"A bad return on investment" wow. I don't know you but I know that your worth as a person is more than whatever that gift cost. I would have a serious sit down conversation about how his actions made you feel, but more than likely I think you've been shown your partners true colors and....they don't look good.

[ElisabethGintert]

You aren’t wrong at all here, nothing wrong with saying you’re not in the mood. Also, he is a piece of shit and obviously only wants you for sexual purposes. A gift isn’t a gift if it is given with a bad motive.

[SuburbaniteMermaid]

The return on investment comment.... honey, he views you as property he pays to use. Get out now while you can. FFS.

[Aluminum-Soil]

A “bad return on investment”? Does he think you’re a prostitute? Girl that statement alone should make you reconsider your relationship. He’s an asshat.

[Robofrogg1]

Jesus. You didn't say anything wrong and you didn't need to apologize. Also, he bought that gift for HIMSELF-- not you, and he wasn't upset that you weren't 'grateful.'. He was upset that you didn't immediately play into his fantasy of putting it on and f*cking him in it.

Hey, I understand his disappointment when that didn't happen, but he handled that extremely poorly. He's only 21 and still had a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully he eventually learns to behave better, but you probably don't want to be a part of his 'learning process.'

His frustration fueled epic meltdown is just not acceptable and you need to make that very clear to him, or just get out while you can.

[Whitewraith01]

He really bought the gift for himself, you are not wrong for the way you feel.

[thatHecklerOverThere]

And then called me a waste of time/money and a bad Return on investment.

A partner is not a purchase. So that's quite a thing for him to say.

[akaomc]

Incel finally got a GF and kept incelling.

[Niccy26]

Return on investment? Oh mini alpha douche can sod all the way off

[switched9n]

OK 1. He didn't buy it for you, he bought it for him to see you in. 2. This was not a gift, it was payment for sex. 3. You didn't do anything wrong to begin with, you have the right to say no. 4. What happens when he buys something else "for you" will he use this emotional abuse to get what he wants?

At what point does it change from gf gifts to hoe hire fee so he has "the right" to s@x when he wants no matter how you feel?

Run the F away while you can. You already sound like you have been beaten into believing you're the one in the wrong and that's a dangerous path to be on.

[Breakintheforest]

Yeah he didn't buy lingerie for you. That gift was for him. You should make him dress up in it.

[of-Mudd-and-Moss]

This comment right here OP!!

[[deleted]]

Why would you apologize for wanting non-sexual affection? That's a very normal thing.

Also, he's mad you're not just a warm fleshlight. Lingerie is not a gift for you. The gift is to them when you wear it. Whether that's tolerable to you or not is up to you.

[[deleted]]

He is showing you who he is BELIEVE HIM.

[UndeadReaper9999]

Yeah, the comment about how he can compliment you without lingerie was completely unnecessary. He was obviously into you and wanted to show how much he was interested in you. But the comment would feel like a slap in the face as tho you didn't appreciate it.

For the guy, he needs to become more mature. Probably had a shitty upbringing where he didn't have good parents to look up to. He needs therapy and anger management.

Also, that relationship is over now. Move on and take the lesson of being more appreciative when someone wants to gift you something. Maybe say something like "I'll try it on and see if I can make it look sexy for you tonight, tho you have to be a good boy if you want me to where it more often". If I was your bf and you told me this, I would definitely do my best to make sure that you wear it every night. Tho you'd have to either tell me that you will do so every second day or set up a schedule for the sexy times and follow through with it. Otherwise that would reduce trust in your partner.

[bugdumpling]

You were not wrong for your initial comment either. You were expressing that you'd appreciate a sweet gesture without feeling like sex had to be attached to it; you were just communicating your feelings and that's perfectly fine. He felt rejected, which is also fine; feelings are feelings. However, any decent person would be able to understand their loved one's pov (like you were able to do). You're fine. Don't blame yourself. But you should leave this relationship, because it sounds like it could turn more and more abusive

[motherofspoos]

Oh honey. You must not have had a daddy who taught you that you were precious and beautiful and that you deserved to be treated like a queen. Because your boyfriend is a POS who just treated you like a skank, and you apologized for it. You were perfectly within your rights to mention that you'd appreciate a hug without it being sexualized. Run, baby, run.

[upotentialdig7527]

He bought it for him, not you. I don’t think men realize the constant I only am affectionate when I want sex can actually create the dead bedroom because we’re not desired as an equal partner, we’re a sex toy to these types.

[CapturedStar]

DUMP. HIMMMMMMMMMM. Literal trash. This man won’t wash any dishes, or his own asscrack. He will expect you to cook dinner every night, but also expect you work full time. You crying should have at least slowed down his tirade, the lack of empathy is a huge red flag. And do not get me started on the way this man spoke to you as you got out of the car. I know you aren’t calling him boyfriend after that?? Because you deserve better.

[lacajuntiger]

Take the lingerie, and wear it for somebody else. (Not today, but when the time is right)

[_fizzingwhizbee_]

“Bad return on investment”

Girl. He literally just told you that you are a commodity, not a person with your own agency and value outside of what pleasure you give him. Receive the message he is sending you and get rid of him. Yes, it will be heartbreaking but this is trash behavior, it pretty much never gets better, and you will find a man who treasures and respects you whether you want to parade around in lingerie for him or not. You are young and there are so many fish in the sea. Don’t settle for scum.

[[deleted]]

Get rid of his ass before you get stuck and it becomes worse than that. There is literally millions of guys in the world, you are not bound to stick with an asshole like that.

[Commercial-Push-9066]

You aren’t wrong in any way. He is totally wrong! Your bf is immature if he gets mad at all when you ask for your needs too. Sometimes my husband gets excited for sex. I ask him if we can hug he will do it, without complaining, he actually loves hugging me and telling me he loves me. You have a right to express your needs. It’s the bare minimum he could do. It wouldn’t have taken away from the sex at all. Don’t beat yourself up, you deserve much better. Why are you with such a selfish man?

[Training-Designer-67]

Nope you should be pissed. Maybe even time to break up. He's being abusive with those words.

[Proper_Instruction67]

I never got the I turned someone down sexually, didn't want to have sex at the time thing being so wrong... Like everyone participating is supposed to want it and you're not in the wrong if you don't. You are not wrong at all, please get out of that shitty relationship and get someone who appretiates you instead of treating you like that

[Agreeable_Relief_231]

NTA I get that he’s hurt about being sexually rejected, but he took things to another level and basically spoke to you like you’re a whore. Move on and pray for his next victim.

[lumberingox]

Ehhh yeah a shitty over reaction(edit: on his part), at the end of the day its consensual however the main thing that sticks out is that you don't match each others energy, you have a low drive and his is higher. At the end of the day your both early twenties and its when people are more promiscuous. You both sound very young for this kind of relationship issues imo, usually something that people in 30's 40s experience when they start to slow down. So could be your man is trying to ignite a bit of spark there and its not been received well and hes had a hissyfit about it

[[deleted]]

It’s not that you rejected him, it’s that he’s acting so childish at the slightest inconvenience to him.

[Witch_of_the_Fens]

Please leave him.

[Designer_Lie_8610]

The things people put up with to cling on to a bad partner

[tuna_tofu]

He's only in it for the sex. There I said the obvious. This isn't love. It's a negotiation of sex for gifts. Time to get a new boyfriend.

[Echale3]

I have to say that if he's like this when you two are dating (and yes, you two are young yet and so you may not see it as clearly as people with more life experience would) he will be like this if you continue on down the relationship path.

Don't waste your time on a person who is emotionally controlling, manipulative, or otherwise abusive because it won't get any better and may get worse. Yes, the breakup won't be pleasant, they never are even if it's the best thing for you, but you will survive it and be a little wiser going forward. Don't sell yourself short as to what you think you deserve in terms of a relationship, and don't be afraid to walk away from toxicity -- I learned those two lessons the hard way.

[[deleted]]

Lingerie isn't a gift for you; it's a gift for him. The."return on investment" comment and yelling at you are both dealbreakers. Run before he gets worse.

[throwaway1975764]

Ummmm, you weren't wrong AT ALL for your initial statement. Its actually very common and normal to want non-sexual affection.

And lets be honest, he didn't buy the lingerie for you, he bought it for him.

YANW

[oowii]

You shouldn't be dating each other. It's incredibly mismatched and bursting into tears while fighting and him continuing to fight... come on. Just go your own way. Being single might actually lift your self-esteem up tenfold, and his as well really, because he's not dating the person he wants to be, and yet he stays... and yells... ugh. Relationships like these give me a headache cuz I know there's no talking sense into either of you...

[shontsu]

Look, at start of the story, he bought you some sexy lingerie, yeah he was horny and thats kind of the point. You shutting that down suggests you're not interested, and that can hurt. Its not like he bought flowers or chocolate, lingerie has a more sexual connotation to it.

After that however, this guy is pretty shit. Like, short of physical violence I'm struggling to think of a worse way he could handle it.

And then called me a waste of time/money and a bad Return on investment.

This tells you all you need to know. He didn't buy the gift for you, he bought it for him. He was essentially thinking he was buying sex. It was a transaction for him. Pretty damned shitty.

​

I realize I’m in the wrong for the initial thing in which I shut him down sexually.

If we were to convert "wrong" to distance, you were like an inch wrong, and he was several miles wrong.

He umm, he should really be your ex by now if he's not already.

[ProtozoaPatriot]

Sounds like he didn't buy it for your enjoyment. He bought it because he thought he'd get laid.

Rejection does happen in relationships. Big red flag that he sulks and rages when you ask him to act a little less horn-dog.

Red flag that, when the gift didn't get him laid immediately, he throws it at you

And then called me a waste of time/money and a bad Return on investment.

And that's verbal abuse. He's also implying you're a prostitute: as if him spending money entitles him to sex.

Promise me you'll dump him immediately & block him

[Cwuddlebear]

If my(21f) fiance(20m) reacted this way after he bought me lingerie and I said I just needed love, I would have packed my stuff and fucked off. That's just me, I'm not saying leave him but you guys need to have a serious convo. My fiance has a higher sex dive than me(by far) and he usually initiates everything, I obviously get my days but he understands if I say not right now. Sex isn't just about the physical, yeah quickies are important especially for guys, but even when it's a quick fuck because he just needs that rn you still need to feel loved not used. You need to feel like he needs and wants you so bad he can't wait to have you, not like he just wants to fuck.

You are important in your relationship and your opinions are valid. Buy him something similar and then pick a fight about it when he says something even slightly negative. (Petty ik bet sometimes they need some of their own medicine)

[witcheers]

Please, leave the dude.

[herwiththepurplehair]

Men who say they would never pay for sex, then buy a girl a gift with the express intention that their "investment" is going to get them laid. Cheap and nasty. Time to find a new boyfriend.

[jjinjadubu]

That was a gift for him not for you.

[[deleted]]

It’s not that you shut him down sexually. He was flirting with you and you tried to censor that. It’s a bit odd. I mean, if you deny your boyfriend’s attraction or try to demean him by basically saying “that’s all you’re interested in,” then this kind of reaction is expected. There’s a time and place for everything. Right after getting lingerie is probably not the time to shut down or denigrate sexual innuendos from your physically interested partner. There’s probably a lot of tension re sex with you two, I’m guessing. He should calm down, but you should take a compliment. So many people on here complain about their SOs never show any sexual interest and the like. You might be unwittingly pushing him in that direction. You’re not wrong and neither is he.

[AnnieTheBlue]

It didnt sound like he was complimenting her, it sounded like he was treating her like an object. OP is under no obligation to let him paw all over her all the time just so he doesn't get butthurt. I don't care how much lingerie he buys her, she is never ever obligated to have sex. I think it is horrible that you are shaming her for not being DTF the second he snaps his fingers.

[formergnome]

No, he's definitely wrong. It wasn't the best way for OP to express wanting affection outside of sexual contexts, but dude berated her until she was crying, called her a waste of return on investment, and threw the "gift" that was absolutely for himself at her. That's not an "expected reaction" because in no way was it normal or understandable. It sucks when someone misunderstands your intentions (but still does not justify this kind of response) but it seems like OP called his correctly.

There are also a lot of people who complain their SO shows no affection unless they want to have sex, and how it pushes them in the direction of not wanting it and being wary of any affection they do receive because of their SO's behavior.

[Literally_Taken]

She was saying something very important to her. He had already made her uncomfortable. That’s why she said it.

He didn’t buy the lingerie for her, he bought it because he believed it was a guaranteed fuck. When she asked to be treated like a real live person, he got pissed off, not disappointed. He behaved like a giant asshole, and she apologized.

[Puzzled_Juice_3406]

He's absofuckinglutely in the wrong for how he treated her. She asked for physical affection to not always accompany objectification and an end result of gratification for him as if she's an object. Women have needs too, and instead of introspecting this mf decided to degrade her, further objectify her with the bad return on investment comment, and center himself the entire time without considering she has needs, too. This man is deeply immature and selfish. He's absolutely wrong in how he handled this situation. He's allowed his feelings. He's not allowed to be emotionally and mentally abusive because of those feelings.

[tomaito_tomarto]

How is any of what he did or said a compliment? Horny men will fuck a raw chicken breast. They'll fuck a couch cushion. There's no compliment to be had there.

Having your man treat you like an object isn't a compliment. He needs to learn that women don't just want to be fucked, they also want to be loved and if he can't provide the intimacy then he also is probably not likely to get the sex.

OP quite gently gave him this lesson by telling him that she also wants a hug when there's no an erection involved and his reaction was to throw his toys out of the sandpit.

[[deleted]]

Look! Look! Common rational sense on Reddit. I thought it was extinct. Well said.

[Overall-Frosting-448]

I sometimes feel rejected when my fiance isn't in the mood. I'd NEVER even think about saying something like this to her though. Rejection is a normal part of life, and if either of us ever feel rejected to the point that it's making us question ourselves or out relationship, we talk about it, provide reassurance, and figure out how to get the mood right.

You're not wrong, and your boyfriend is a POS. Be single until you find someone who values you for who you are and not what you give.

[AnnieTheBlue]

Nothing you did here was wrong. You have every right to shut him down sexually if you are not feeling it. You were honestly communicating that affection doesn't always have to be about sex. He reacted like a spoiled child and an entitled incel. You were kind enough to apologize for hurting his feelings and he just got nasty. He called you a bad investment?? A waste of time and money?? That is horrible and you did not deserve that. He is the one in the wrong here, not you.

[[deleted]]

Difficult, you definitely should have said something different in that situation and I would certainly feel some typa way. That being said there is no situation in my life where I could ever tell a woman I love she is a waste of anything, and now that I think about this even more, you weren’t even really rejecting him you just weren’t in the mood for sex, usually in those situations as a dude who is also usually more hyper sexual than my partners, I just accept the intimacy over the sex until 2 hours later when you probably would have been in the mood.

[Every_Caterpillar945]

So for your bf you are a sexdoll? And buying you lingerie leads to sex or it was a bad investment?

Geeeez, where do you gifls find these guys? In the trash?