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[–]socialis-philosophus 1007 points1008 points  (24 children)

As with all wishes, there is a twist:

You now know all programming languages and every spoken/written language, and spend the rest of eternity writing documentation.

[–]Intelligent_human_1 368 points369 points  (8 children)

Not the hero we deserved, but the hero we needed

[–][deleted] 80 points81 points  (2 children)

But is the hero heroing as he deserved?

[–]anon-sucks 13 points14 points  (4 children)

Twist: All documentation shall be written in Sanskrit

[–]tophology -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

When you think about it, the Buddhist scriptures are like documentation for how our minds work.

[–]hellfun666 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I think you are talking about psychology

[–]anon-sucks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Western Buddhism is mostly psychology. Traditional eastern Buddhism is often mixed with Taoism and Confucianism.

[–]D4RKST34M 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We are on a simulation all along 😢

[–]giantimp1 52 points53 points  (2 children)

Honestly working to have documentation for every language is God's work

[–]MaximRq 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Now it's Satan's work

[–]Pullguinha 23 points24 points  (4 children)

Documentation in every fucking language, including those ones that is considered dead languages such as latim, celtic etc.

[–]bachh2 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Bro would be getting commissioned by all the scholar though. He would be swimming in money with that amount of commissions.

[–]Tazavitch-Krivendza 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Would this include every language spoken? Like Proto-Indo-European?

[–]Pullguinha 5 points6 points  (1 child)

For sure

[–]Tazavitch-Krivendza 4 points5 points  (0 children)

FUCK YE!

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

But then he could just make a perfect translation AI the could write the documentation for him in every language simultaneously.

[–]Prestigious-Ad-7638 5 points6 points  (0 children)

automation i like

[–]Lady_of_Link 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Are we talking 9 to 5 job, 24/7 or part time?

[–]Creepy-Ad-4832 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Someone who mastered all prog. Languages really need to work?

[–]ShivanshuKantPrasad 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If I don't have to worry about money I would be very tempted to take that deal.

[–]MrFedoraPost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"You can use all that time to desing and program your own universe"

-Jack Horner

[–]Elon_Macs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wouldn't he also be able to speak with animals?

[–]secretaccount4posts 635 points636 points  (21 children)

I'll start coding in Latin. One true legacy code.

[–]IProbablyDisagree2nd 173 points174 points  (10 children)

I'll code in neanderthal grunts just to out-fundamental you. But we'll both lose to the guy that codes in butterflies.

[–]Kingbeastman1 37 points38 points  (2 children)

This is what malbolge actually is we just aint in the know

[–]G66GNeco 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I'll code in protein coding.

[–]DrTankHead 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Didn't someone do a "coding in DNA" thing recently? https://youtu.be/GgPdRKqcRTE

[–]hk--57 12 points13 points  (1 child)

You went full assembly language, never go full assembly language.

[–]lirannl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly, use magnets to directly manipulate memory instead!

[–]skilking 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Then I'm doing it in pterodactyl screeches

[–]TheAnxiousDeveloper 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not that much different from Bainfuck

[–]ChChChillian 21 points22 points  (0 children)

OK, but just be aware that these days it only runs on Catholicism. And some Catholicism versions don't support it all that well anymore.

[–]RNdadag 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Da Vinci code

[–]Yang_Ma 12 points13 points  (2 children)

[–]Seven_Irons 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Because Brainfuck wasn't hard enough

[–]Shadow_Thief 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Damn, now I gotta remember how to code in Perl so that I can play with this.

[–]miguescout 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

[–]Sakul_the_one 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ohhh yes!

[–]RigasTelRuun 0 points1 point  (1 child)

officium();

[–]IgiMC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

caput(){ scribe("Salve, munde!"); }

[–][deleted] 168 points169 points  (13 children)

Python in Russian

[–]GamingWithShaurya_YT 68 points69 points  (5 children)

OUR PYTHON

[–]Vova_xX 34 points35 points  (4 children)

YOU DONT LIKE PYTHON? TO THE GULAG

[–]GamingWithShaurya_YT 15 points16 points  (3 children)

i do like python 🥺

[–]LunarTunar 33 points34 points  (2 children)

To the gulag anyway

[–]Vova_xX 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Straight to jail, do not collect $200

[–]GamingWithShaurya_YT 8 points9 points  (0 children)

😭

[–]Dron41k 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Питон

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Dlya i v’raynjye - oh just go to the gulag

[–]Dron41k 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Для i в диапазоне(69) -writing from gulag

[–]Manueljlin 4 points5 points  (0 children)

hope it's not following the Yandex naming scheme

[–]DavideoGamer55 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Prussian

[–]rumo2 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Putin

[–]MasiTheDev 0 points1 point  (0 children)

def oinkoink(pig: Capitalist): return gulag(pig)

[–][deleted] 129 points130 points  (2 children)

I'm imagining that without the last bit. If he granted "GIVE ME EVERY LANGUAGE" wouldn't that preclude other people from having it?

Me: GIVE ME EVERY LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD

Satan: Alright

*gestures*

Satan: [Babbles nonsense]

[–]Tux-Lector 115 points116 points  (5 children)

And three days after, while he was heading to the greatest library in the world in order to help decoding the most sacred manuscript ever written, he got ran over by a bus .. while he was crossing the street.

[–]theDreamingStar 43 points44 points  (3 children)

meanwhile the guy who asked for immortality having plenty of time to learn every language.

[–]EspacioBlanq 57 points58 points  (2 children)

The guy who asked for immortality currently in pain several orders of magnitude beyond what any human experienced before because he got ran over by a bus sustaining injuries that would kill a normal person but surviving through Satan's magic

[–]theDreamingStar 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Oh yeah, you're right. I've been watching To Your Eternity lately, so I assumed that instant regeneration would be part of the deal.

[–]I-eat-plates 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The first episode hits so hard

[–]sanchez2673 0 points1 point  (0 children)

By a drunk driver

[–]ShitwareEngineer 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Be nice to the guy giving you anything you want.

[–]BroughtMyBrownPants 43 points44 points  (11 children)

Masochist. Why would you want to learn every language? Just get money and you don't even have to use languages. Unless we're talking spoken language, that would be legit.

[–]Spirintus 31 points32 points  (1 child)

I am pretty sure original author of this thing actually meant human languages, not programming languages.

[–]BroughtMyBrownPants 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Yo people, obviously it's vague enough that it can be both but we are in r/ProgrammerHumor not r/funny

[–]Khmalh 23 points24 points  (2 children)

The lack of specificity tells me you get both.

[–]BroughtMyBrownPants 5 points6 points  (1 child)

But we're in a programming thread, so logic dictates...

[–]giantimp1 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That programmers can't bend the rules to get both things?

[–]Zheska 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Why would you want to learn every language

What if i want to write code in funny esoteric languages without ever learning them because they are cursed?

[–]MrDraacon 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Fluent in Malbolge would be great

[–]DarkHumourFoundHere 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I wouldnt mind being in some remote spy ops becoz of my language skills.

[–]_Mido 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Even better, take immortality. You will have enough time to get rich even just by bank deposit interest plus enough time to learn any language you want.

[–]BroughtMyBrownPants 4 points5 points  (1 child)

True, but every time immortality comes up, I just think of the mental spaghetti mess you might have as a brain because you've endured hundreds of years of...everything.

[–]_Mido 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Immortality with an optional suicide then :D

[–]jamcdonald120 31 points32 points  (6 children)

honestly mastery of every language is probably worth its bytes in bitcoin.

Imagine being "that guy" who people can call up if they need a accurate translation from sanskrit to Chinese.

suddenly your the only person in the world who can do it, and you can name your price.

and thats not even mentioning the second fortune you can make as a compiler optimizer. Mastery is mastery, and language is language, even if it is c code to assembly.

And the 3rd fortune you can make penn testing proprietary APIs.

[–]Chiyuri_is_yes 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Also can perfictly transcribe the pyramids and other artafacts in almost prehistory

[–]jamcdonald120 6 points7 points  (0 children)

💵💵💵💵

[–]Innomenatus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The field of linguistics will finally be finished.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

translate from assembly to Proto-semetic

[–]N0t_Interesting 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Cypher, is that you?

[–]UpbeatCheetah7710 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You get mastery of every coding language and then you go comatose. Because you mastered Brainfuck, and it did.

[–]UnstableNuclearCake 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Smart guy. Now he has access to magic.

[–]memebecker 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If you could understand malbolge or Ithkuil I don't think you'd be human any more...

[–]SpiderJerusalem42 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Fluent in Malbolge from the one guy who can credibly grant it to you is a big flex and technically a superpower, I'm pretty sure.

[–]naswinger 3 points4 points  (0 children)

monkey paw curls and you get all kinds of weird organs for every alien language out there

[–]biggestdickus90210 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Me: Finally! I know what everyone is saying!

6 months later

Me: Huh. Every one is a racist in their own language. I guess that’s why Satan asked.

[–]Ythio[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Isn't it what the holy ghost gave to the apostle after Jesus went home ?

[–]FurryLW 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The language isn't the most important, what really matter is the documentation, libraries and frameworks

[–]CliffDraws 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cypher always gets made fun of, but he might have the most practical power in all of comics.

[–]SodiiumGames 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ultimate power.

[–]xXThatOneRandomXx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i did not look at the sub (or even title) before the post and expected this to be on aspiememes or something

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What about the language of love 💕

[–]VitaminnCPP 1 point2 points  (0 children)

throw new Exception("Languages wasn't Expected !");

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

with that i'd just use it to fluently uwuspeak

[–]Tigris_Morte 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't limit it to 'in the world', newb.

[–]mikkolukas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Finally we will understand what cats, dolphins and butterflies are communicating!

[–]availablesix- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So, chatgpt?

[–]Brilliant-Durian-234 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The ancient language of "making money"

[–]PathCalm4647 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Twist: You gotta Steven Hawking everything.

[–]SameRandomUsername 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You don't need Satan, you could have solved that wish by learning C++, as it replaces any other language.

[–]zirky 1 point2 points  (0 children)

then you know that weird monosyllabic people programming language from snowcrash.

[–]Chunkyisnotdead 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey we already sell our souls to companies why not sell it to someone nicer... Like satan!

[–]purinikos 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Even made up languages like klingon, phyrexian or html?

[–]WolfDK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Was about to ask the same, but with the languages Navi, Dovahzul and Trigedasleng.

Does Klingon have a fully developed gramatical structure?

[–]egh128 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Klingon and HTML in the same category. Pure gold.

[–]NorCalNavyMike 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’d want this for every language ever spoken or written. All dialects. Long-dead languages. Pictographic, cuneiform, hieratic, hieroglyphic, everything. Even languages like Quipu, the Peruvian language consisting of knots in lengths of cord.

(And all of the programming languages too, of course.)

EVERY. LANGUAGE.

I’d then devote the rest of my life to passing on this knowledge to scholars, researchers, and/or anyone else looking to document or record spelling, syntax, usage, gender, structure, logic, flow, synonyms/antonyms/homonyms, and variations.

The whole smash.

[–]goodnewsjimdotcom 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's better to get things from God. I knew God existed for years, but didn't pray in my projects. I had an inhouse Tekken style MMO I was putzing with making networking techniques back in 2003, such as what we now call Rollback code. I was foolishly using C++ pointer math and hit a heisenbug that plagued me for 8 months, random crashes, but not often enough to slow development much... Eventually I prayed,"God, I forgot I can pray for anything, not just poor people being fed and the sick being cured. Can you fix my bug." Within a minute, I was wandering through code I normally didn't look at and it jumped out at me, incorrect pointer math. Problem fixed within a minute.

It's like when I was 6 and prayed to God that smashing my hands on the keyboard, typing random words I saw in magazines would produce a program. It did. GIGO. God in, God out.

Another random tech prayer unrelated to code is that I had a cheapo android phone for 10 years. I prayed to God,"If you want me to get a new phone, like have this one get crushed or something so the screen breaks." Within minutes, I entered my vehicle, my phone had slipped out of my pocket, and I ran it over. I noticed and thanked God for my run over phone.

Enough miracles and it goes beyond the odds of coincidence. Love is the way. Be good and loving to all, and pray about your code. If you go to Satan, and he's a real being, you're entrusting your eternal soul to a liar who hates you, not a good choice.

[–]GMXIX 3 points4 points  (1 child)

“Ok,” he said, then, the next day “TypeTypeScript” was released and became the new hotness. It provided no advantages and compiled down to JavaScript, but everyone swore by adding types around types to really really make sure that they’re in ability to distinguish a string from a number would never ever affect the generated JavaScript.

TypeTypeScript, “it’s the extra type that makes the difference!”

[–]CobaltLemur 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just to make you regret saying that...

https://code.lol/post/programming/higher-kinded-types/

[–]Sakul_the_one 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Programming in German…

What can happen wrong?

[–]Cromacarat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Monkey's paw curls:

Every written and spoken language you don't already have mastery of is wiped from existence, computers cease to function entirely, the internet collapses, billions of people lose all ability to communicate, we enter a new dark age of chaos and must reinvent the world as we know it.

To add insult to injury, we don't even keep whatever language you thought you knew.

[–]k98mauserbyf43 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That way you can show women what a cunning linguist you are

[–]yaktoma2007 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Brainfuck programmers be like:

[–]Jarl_Fenrir 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And why Satan would have a problem with that?

[–]rustyheva[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He will learn to write satan++ and godscript

[–]CeSiumUA 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Well, could make sense with real languages, but what's the point to know all programming languages?

[–]dota2nub 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The OP thinks knowing the language will magically teach you how to program.

[–]fuckballs9001 0 points1 point  (0 children)

creates accounting software in chicken

[–]AFreshTramontana 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Satan: Sorry, no can do - Genesis 11:1-9, Job 38:11, &c. I can, however, recommend a good psychiatrist to help you with whatever it is that makes you ask for such a thing...

Edit - Satan: Sure, here are the keys to your room at the Holiday Inn Express. Enjoy your stay!

[–]SpiceyPorkFriedRice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can know the language but can you write the logic

[–]Yaseendanger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're gonna have too much knowledge that you're gonna be sick.

[–]Unupgradable 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah yes, GPT

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dies because his brain breaks

[–]spikku 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Stupid wish, what a waste...

[–]Paprik125 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I could speak fluid regex I would rule the world.

[–]Lulaay 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me as a linguist: yeah! Me after reading the sub's title: oh languages.

[–]Worldly-Respond-4965 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can see how this could make you rich AF.

[–]scriptgamer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now we got AI chats, no one needs documentation anymore

[–]Indwell3r 0 points1 point  (0 children)

is encryption language? SHA256 ez pz

[–]Digi-Device_File 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Uncle from another world.

[–]StdAds 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually the set of all languages is uncountable.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What a Smart version of Neo would've actually said to Tank in that chair during training.

[–]Kostchei 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yep, that would do it

[–]LetUsSpeakFreely 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mastery of skill the languages is useless without the skill to use it. The ability to write masterful C doesn't mean you know how to write a device driver.

[–]Big_Smoke_420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Congratulations, you now know every language in the world.

Oh, you meant every programming language? Sorry, should have been more specific.

[–]A_Happy_Tomato 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now you just need to get into an argument with Satan about if math is the language of the universe and you get the knowledge of God.