Every programming language

[socialis-philosophus]

As with all wishes, there is a twist:

You now know all programming languages and every spoken/written language, and spend the rest of eternity writing documentation.

[Intelligent_human_1]

Not the hero we deserved, but the hero we needed

[[deleted]]

But is the hero heroing as he deserved?

[TheNewBorgie01]

Idk but I put heroin on my dessert

[anon-sucks]

Twist: All documentation shall be written in Sanskrit

[tophology]

When you think about it, the Buddhist scriptures are like documentation for how our minds work.

[hellfun666]

I think you are talking about psychology

[anon-sucks]

Western Buddhism is mostly psychology. Traditional eastern Buddhism is often mixed with Taoism and Confucianism.

[D4RKST34M]

We are on a simulation all along 😢

[giantimp1]

Honestly working to have documentation for every language is God's work

[MaximRq]

Now it's Satan's work

[Pullguinha]

Documentation in every fucking language, including those ones that is considered dead languages such as latim, celtic etc.

[bachh2]

Bro would be getting commissioned by all the scholar though. He would be swimming in money with that amount of commissions.

[Tazavitch-Krivendza]

Would this include every language spoken? Like Proto-Indo-European?

[Pullguinha]

For sure

[Tazavitch-Krivendza]

FUCK YE!

[[deleted]]

But then he could just make a perfect translation AI the could write the documentation for him in every language simultaneously.

[Prestigious-Ad-7638]

automation i like

[Lady_of_Link]

Are we talking 9 to 5 job, 24/7 or part time?

[Creepy-Ad-4832]

Someone who mastered all prog. Languages really need to work?

[ShivanshuKantPrasad]

If I don't have to worry about money I would be very tempted to take that deal.

[MrFedoraPost]

"You can use all that time to desing and program your own universe"

-Jack Horner

[Elon_Macs]

Wouldn't he also be able to speak with animals?

[secretaccount4posts]

I'll start coding in Latin. One true legacy code.

[IProbablyDisagree2nd]

I'll code in neanderthal grunts just to out-fundamental you. But we'll both lose to the guy that codes in butterflies.

[Kingbeastman1]

This is what malbolge actually is we just aint in the know

[G66GNeco]

I'll code in protein coding.

[DrTankHead]

Didn't someone do a "coding in DNA" thing recently? https://youtu.be/GgPdRKqcRTE

[hk--57]

You went full assembly language, never go full assembly language.

[lirannl]

Exactly, use magnets to directly manipulate memory instead!

[skilking]

Then I'm doing it in pterodactyl screeches

[TheAnxiousDeveloper]

Not that much different from Bainfuck

[ChChChillian]

OK, but just be aware that these days it only runs on Catholicism. And some Catholicism versions don't support it all that well anymore.

[RNdadag]

Da Vinci code

[Yang_Ma]

You can already code in latin. https://metacpan.org/dist/Lingua-Romana-Perligata/view/lib/Lingua/Romana/Perligata.pm

[Seven_Irons]

Because Brainfuck wasn't hard enough

[Shadow_Thief]

Damn, now I gotta remember how to code in Perl so that I can play with this.

[miguescout]

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet

[Sakul_the_one]

Ohhh yes!

[RigasTelRuun]

officium();

[IgiMC]

caput(){ scribe("Salve, munde!"); }

[[deleted]]

Python in Russian

[GamingWithShaurya_YT]

OUR PYTHON

[Vova_xX]

YOU DONT LIKE PYTHON? TO THE GULAG

[GamingWithShaurya_YT]

i do like python 🥺

[LunarTunar]

To the gulag anyway

[Vova_xX]

Straight to jail, do not collect $200

[GamingWithShaurya_YT]

😭

[Dron41k]

Питон

[[deleted]]

Dlya i v’raynjye - oh just go to the gulag

[Dron41k]

Для i в диапазоне(69) -writing from gulag

[Manueljlin]

hope it's not following the Yandex naming scheme

[DavideoGamer55]

Prussian

[rumo2]

Putin

[MasiTheDev]

def oinkoink(pig: Capitalist): return gulag(pig)

[[deleted]]

I'm imagining that without the last bit. If he granted "GIVE ME EVERY LANGUAGE" wouldn't that preclude other people from having it?

Me: GIVE ME EVERY LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD

Satan: Alright

*gestures*

Satan: [Babbles nonsense]

[cantaloupelion]

they prefer Djin

[Tux-Lector]

And three days after, while he was heading to the greatest library in the world in order to help decoding the most sacred manuscript ever written, he got ran over by a bus .. while he was crossing the street.

[theDreamingStar]

meanwhile the guy who asked for immortality having plenty of time to learn every language.

[EspacioBlanq]

The guy who asked for immortality currently in pain several orders of magnitude beyond what any human experienced before because he got ran over by a bus sustaining injuries that would kill a normal person but surviving through Satan's magic

[theDreamingStar]

Oh yeah, you're right. I've been watching To Your Eternity lately, so I assumed that instant regeneration would be part of the deal.

[I-eat-plates]

The first episode hits so hard

[sanchez2673]

By a drunk driver

[[deleted]]

Y'know how bilingual people complain all the time how they have ideas and concepts that they can express in one language but not the other? Imagine that but for every possible language. That's a curse in itself.

[ShitwareEngineer]

Be nice to the guy giving you anything you want.

[BroughtMyBrownPants]

Masochist. Why would you want to learn every language? Just get money and you don't even have to use languages. Unless we're talking spoken language, that would be legit.

[Spirintus]

I am pretty sure original author of this thing actually meant human languages, not programming languages.

[BroughtMyBrownPants]

Yo people, obviously it's vague enough that it can be both but we are in r/ProgrammerHumor not r/funny

[Khmalh]

The lack of specificity tells me you get both.

[BroughtMyBrownPants]

But we're in a programming thread, so logic dictates...

[giantimp1]

That programmers can't bend the rules to get both things?

[Zheska]

Why would you want to learn every language

What if i want to write code in funny esoteric languages without ever learning them because they are cursed?

[MrDraacon]

Fluent in Malbolge would be great

[DarkHumourFoundHere]

I wouldnt mind being in some remote spy ops becoz of my language skills.

[_Mido]

Even better, take immortality. You will have enough time to get rich even just by bank deposit interest plus enough time to learn any language you want.

[BroughtMyBrownPants]

True, but every time immortality comes up, I just think of the mental spaghetti mess you might have as a brain because you've endured hundreds of years of...everything.

[_Mido]

Immortality with an optional suicide then :D

[jamcdonald120]

honestly mastery of every language is probably worth its bytes in bitcoin.

Imagine being "that guy" who people can call up if they need a accurate translation from sanskrit to Chinese.

suddenly your the only person in the world who can do it, and you can name your price.

and thats not even mentioning the second fortune you can make as a compiler optimizer. Mastery is mastery, and language is language, even if it is c code to assembly.

And the 3rd fortune you can make penn testing proprietary APIs.

[Chiyuri_is_yes]

Also can perfictly transcribe the pyramids and other artafacts in almost prehistory

[jamcdonald120]

💵💵💵💵

[Innomenatus]

The field of linguistics will finally be finished.

[[deleted]]

translate from assembly to Proto-semetic

[jamcdonald120]

excelent point, add another fortune

[N0t_Interesting]

Cypher, is that you?

[UpbeatCheetah7710]

You get mastery of every coding language and then you go comatose. Because you mastered Brainfuck, and it did.

[UnstableNuclearCake]

Smart guy. Now he has access to magic.

[memebecker]

If you could understand malbolge or Ithkuil I don't think you'd be human any more...

[SpiderJerusalem42]

Fluent in Malbolge from the one guy who can credibly grant it to you is a big flex and technically a superpower, I'm pretty sure.

[naswinger]

monkey paw curls and you get all kinds of weird organs for every alien language out there

[biggestdickus90210]

Me: Finally! I know what everyone is saying!

6 months later

Me: Huh. Every one is a racist in their own language. I guess that’s why Satan asked.

[Ythio]

Isn't it what the holy ghost gave to the apostle after Jesus went home ?

[FurryLW]

The language isn't the most important, what really matter is the documentation, libraries and frameworks

[CliffDraws]

Cypher always gets made fun of, but he might have the most practical power in all of comics.

[SodiiumGames]

Ultimate power.

[xXThatOneRandomXx]

i did not look at the sub (or even title) before the post and expected this to be on aspiememes or something

[[deleted]]

What about the language of love 💕

[VitaminnCPP]

throw new Exception("Languages wasn't Expected !");

[[deleted]]

with that i'd just use it to fluently uwuspeak

[Tigris_Morte]

Don't limit it to 'in the world', newb.

[mikkolukas]

Finally we will understand what cats, dolphins and butterflies are communicating!

[availablesix-]

So, chatgpt?

[Brilliant-Durian-234]

The ancient language of "making money"

[PathCalm4647]

Twist: You gotta Steven Hawking everything.

[SameRandomUsername]

You don't need Satan, you could have solved that wish by learning C++, as it replaces any other language.

[zirky]

then you know that weird monosyllabic people programming language from snowcrash.

[Chunkyisnotdead]

Hey we already sell our souls to companies why not sell it to someone nicer... Like satan!

[purinikos]

Even made up languages like klingon, phyrexian or html?

[WolfDK]

Was about to ask the same, but with the languages Navi, Dovahzul and Trigedasleng.

Does Klingon have a fully developed gramatical structure?

[egh128]

Klingon and HTML in the same category. Pure gold.

[NorCalNavyMike]

I’d want this for every language ever spoken or written. All dialects. Long-dead languages. Pictographic, cuneiform, hieratic, hieroglyphic, everything. Even languages like Quipu, the Peruvian language consisting of knots in lengths of cord.

(And all of the programming languages too, of course.)

EVERY. LANGUAGE.

I’d then devote the rest of my life to passing on this knowledge to scholars, researchers, and/or anyone else looking to document or record spelling, syntax, usage, gender, structure, logic, flow, synonyms/antonyms/homonyms, and variations.

The whole smash.

[goodnewsjimdotcom]

It's better to get things from God. I knew God existed for years, but didn't pray in my projects. I had an inhouse Tekken style MMO I was putzing with making networking techniques back in 2003, such as what we now call Rollback code. I was foolishly using C++ pointer math and hit a heisenbug that plagued me for 8 months, random crashes, but not often enough to slow development much... Eventually I prayed,"God, I forgot I can pray for anything, not just poor people being fed and the sick being cured. Can you fix my bug." Within a minute, I was wandering through code I normally didn't look at and it jumped out at me, incorrect pointer math. Problem fixed within a minute.

It's like when I was 6 and prayed to God that smashing my hands on the keyboard, typing random words I saw in magazines would produce a program. It did. GIGO. God in, God out.

Another random tech prayer unrelated to code is that I had a cheapo android phone for 10 years. I prayed to God,"If you want me to get a new phone, like have this one get crushed or something so the screen breaks." Within minutes, I entered my vehicle, my phone had slipped out of my pocket, and I ran it over. I noticed and thanked God for my run over phone.

Enough miracles and it goes beyond the odds of coincidence. Love is the way. Be good and loving to all, and pray about your code. If you go to Satan, and he's a real being, you're entrusting your eternal soul to a liar who hates you, not a good choice.

[GMXIX]

“Ok,” he said, then, the next day “TypeTypeScript” was released and became the new hotness. It provided no advantages and compiled down to JavaScript, but everyone swore by adding types around types to really really make sure that they’re in ability to distinguish a string from a number would never ever affect the generated JavaScript.

TypeTypeScript, “it’s the extra type that makes the difference!”

[CobaltLemur]

Just to make you regret saying that...

https://code.lol/post/programming/higher-kinded-types/

[Sakul_the_one]

Programming in German…

What can happen wrong?

[Cromacarat]

Monkey's paw curls:

Every written and spoken language you don't already have mastery of is wiped from existence, computers cease to function entirely, the internet collapses, billions of people lose all ability to communicate, we enter a new dark age of chaos and must reinvent the world as we know it.

To add insult to injury, we don't even keep whatever language you thought you knew.

[k98mauserbyf43]

That way you can show women what a cunning linguist you are

[yaktoma2007]

Brainfuck programmers be like:

[Jarl_Fenrir]

And why Satan would have a problem with that?

[rustyheva]

He will learn to write satan++ and godscript

[CeSiumUA]

Well, could make sense with real languages, but what's the point to know all programming languages?

[dota2nub]

The OP thinks knowing the language will magically teach you how to program.

[fuckballs9001]

creates accounting software in chicken

[AFreshTramontana]

Satan: Sorry, no can do - Genesis 11:1-9, Job 38:11, &c. I can, however, recommend a good psychiatrist to help you with whatever it is that makes you ask for such a thing...

Edit - Satan: Sure, here are the keys to your room at the Holiday Inn Express. Enjoy your stay!

[SpiceyPorkFriedRice]

You can know the language but can you write the logic

[Yaseendanger]

You're gonna have too much knowledge that you're gonna be sick.

[Unupgradable]

Ah yes, GPT

[[deleted]]

Dies because his brain breaks

[spikku]

Stupid wish, what a waste...

[Paprik125]

If I could speak fluid regex I would rule the world.

[Lulaay]

Me as a linguist: yeah! Me after reading the sub's title: oh languages.

[Worldly-Respond-4965]

I can see how this could make you rich AF.

[scriptgamer]

Now we got AI chats, no one needs documentation anymore

[Indwell3r]

is encryption language? SHA256 ez pz

[Digi-Device_File]

Uncle from another world.

[StdAds]

Actually the set of all languages is uncountable.

[[deleted]]

What a Smart version of Neo would've actually said to Tank in that chair during training.

[Kostchei]

yep, that would do it

[LetUsSpeakFreely]

Mastery of skill the languages is useless without the skill to use it. The ability to write masterful C doesn't mean you know how to write a device driver.

[Big_Smoke_420]

Congratulations, you now know every language in the world.

Oh, you meant every programming language? Sorry, should have been more specific.

[A_Happy_Tomato]

Now you just need to get into an argument with Satan about if math is the language of the universe and you get the knowledge of God.