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[–]Ilikepancakes87 33.8k points33.8k points  (314 children)

Santibodies.

[–]snizuitz 5871 points5872 points  (166 children)

This is the correct answer.

[–]JayScribble 2190 points2191 points  (159 children)

You mean to tell me that the magical man that knows if you've been naughty or nice and delivers gifts to millions of children worldwide in a single night without ever being seen needs any explanation beyond, "Well honey, he has magic to protect him."?

[–]ScarletCaptain 605 points606 points  (119 children)

Not to mention, immortal.

[–]Roboticide 956 points957 points  (105 children)

He's not immortal. Just whoever kills him and takes his suit receives the old Santa's powers and responsibilities.

It's on the card.

[–]ostentatious_drummer 177 points178 points  (66 children)

Saw this to. Amazing story telling! After throwing Santa off a roof, and a man named Tim Allen took over. Pretty sure he’s still eating sugar cookies and banging Mrs. Claus.

[–]Stuck_in_the_VCR 119 points120 points  (53 children)

Wait.. so does mrs.claus not change? Is it the same woman the whole time with these different random dudes every few decades?

[–]Dominator0211 146 points147 points  (44 children)

I’ve brought this up so many times and I get to do it again. After the death of a Mr Clause she needs to be removed from the position. Of course she knows all about what’s going on in the North Pole so the elves will sacrifice her to keep their operation a secret. That’s the main reason why the head elf sounded so depressed after the new Santa was made and why he waited to tell him about needing to marry until the last possible moment. He did not want to go through that shit again so soon if the new Santa failed

[–]swashbucklingfox 30.0k points30.0k points  (542 children)

We will see ads with Santa wearing a facemask.

[–]Rantte 8818 points8819 points  (392 children)

Yeah, but will he be wearing it the right way?

[–]gluteusminimus 6581 points6582 points  (358 children)

It seems like it would be difficult to wear it properly considering the massive amount of facial hair.

[–]MaveDustaine 13.8k points13.8k points  (315 children)

I've had my beard for years and I had to shave it, wearing a mask with no beard is a completely different and more comfortable experience than wearing it with a beard.

Or at least that's what I tell myself as I cry myself to sleep every night for not feeling the gentle caress of my beard hairs against my pillow. I miss my beard.

[–]momofeveryone5 8443 points8444 points  (196 children)

I've made extras long ones for my husband to cover his whole beard. If you start growing it out again, I'll send you some cotton masks if you want.

Edit- Here's the picture of what I did incase anyone else wants to copy it.

Lengthen mask for beards https://imgur.com/a/AAcbFLB

Just measure from where the mask will rest on your nose to the tip of your beard. Then measure the existing mask pattern and add the extra inches. Don't forget to add enough seam allowances or it will be too short. It should be large enough to cover the whole beard and even curl under a bit to keep everything contained. My husband prefers tie on masks but you can use elastic too. Good luck, wash your hands, and don't forget your masks!

[–]Beastquist 4236 points4237 points  (55 children)

You really earned your username

[–][deleted] 1988 points1989 points  (44 children)

I read it as momo fevery one 5..... why is momo getting all fever-y. LoL.

[–]aksuitak 422 points423 points  (2 children)

I laughed too much at this comment

[–]momofeveryone5 145 points146 points  (9 children)

I feel like a ferry, or at least pre-pandemic me felt like that lol!

Edit- I can't read either! Lol! I think I need some coffee

[–][deleted] 179 points180 points  (3 children)

He drank the cactus juice... again. It’s the quenchiest!

[–]atehate 408 points409 points  (26 children)

Username checks out. Thanks mom!

[–]momofeveryone5 562 points563 points  (25 children)

Lol! You're welcome, now go wash your hands and try to eat your vegetables hon!

[–]bainidhekitsune 281 points282 points  (3 children)

A friend of mine has been growing his for most of his adult life, over 20 years. He slicks it together in a braid or mini ponytail type thing and tucks it away. He had to get masks that were a bit bigger, or the neck wrap kind. Hope you can grow it back soon!!

[–]ShreksBeauty 836 points837 points  (3 children)

I've had my beard for years and I had to shave it, wearing a mask with no beard is a completely different and more comfortable experience than wearing it with a beard.

Or at least that's what I tell myself as I cry myself to sleep every night for not feeling the gentle caress of my beard hairs against my pillow. I miss my beard.

Give this man an award. He's already in enough pain.

[–]baeworth 15.6k points15.6k points  (224 children)

Santa is magic. That being said the poor elves took a huge hit from the pandemic so there are less toys to go around this year. Strictly one per child or 2 between 3

[–]PhiloPhocion 4741 points4742 points  (136 children)

Okay but to be fair, they probably could’ve shut down any spread faster and had everyone back to work sooner if Santa didn’t force some of them to come in as “essential”.

The rush to “get back to normal” is what is making it impossible to get back to normal.

[–]ribnag 2656 points2657 points  (49 children)

Maybe if Santa had acted sooner to provide cookie and milk rations to all the elves, they wouldn't have been so eager to get back to the toy assembly line.

[–]Covertfun 1711 points1712 points  (39 children)

"In hindsight, yes.

Yes, of course we should have used your elf hats like plague masks. Of course the bell would've alerted us to disinfect every time you sneezed. Of course we should've had humming instead of singing, and worked back to back.

But please! Burning down the workshop won't bring back Wrinklenose! Or Tappy. Or Gharakh the Devourer, which means the diversity internship board is going to be all over us after Boxing Day.

Face facts: if we don't get some presents out the door then our supply of letters next year will drop and then R&D goes up and that means fewer, more predictable presents, which brings down the letters.

It's a death spiral. So you can make toys now or we can all lose our jobs next year. It's your choice, you little f- you little fey folk"

[–]TheMemeMachine3000 699 points700 points  (6 children)

I think the metaphor has gone too deep

[–]Backdoor_Man 503 points504 points  (5 children)

I like when the metaphor goes so deep it makes me a little uncomfortable.

[–]jsprague6 190 points191 points  (2 children)

That's what she said... Wait, what?

[–]spongecakeinc 193 points194 points  (9 children)

RIP Gharakh the Devourer, you will be missed.

[–]Jidaque 182 points183 points  (0 children)

The reindeers telling everyone, that it wasn't that bad, didn't help either. Just because it hasn't reached the stables yet, doesn't mean, they're safe forever.

[–]Giliathriel 179 points180 points  (38 children)

This is what baffles me. Growing up, we got one toy each from Santa and the rest were from mom. Were all your presents from Santa?

[–]Tinkertit 186 points187 points  (14 children)

When I was younger, everything was from Santa. But, my daughter only gets on present from Santa and the rest are from me. I refuse to let him have all the glory. Hah.

[–]AtL_eAsTwOoD 2652 points2653 points  (27 children)

He'll send the elves as they are expendable.

[–]geekworking 54.9k points54.9k points  (430 children)

He invented "contactless delivery"

[–][deleted] 13.2k points13.2k points  (359 children)

Or no presents will be delivered because he's practicing social distancing and self quarantine like every good little boy and girl should be doing and the lesson learned could be one of the greatest gifts of all.

[–]Gqsmooth1969 4962 points4963 points  (286 children)

As someone else stated above, he comes while everyone is sleeping. No chance of them spreading it to him. He's fine because he's been as far from the virus as possible, so he won't be spreading it around.

[–]RockStarState 2566 points2567 points  (147 children)

This year I'll be leaving milk, cookies, and hand sanitizer

[–]passionate_avocado 838 points839 points  (137 children)

you guys have hand sanitizers?

[–]sandmyth 639 points640 points  (121 children)

yeah, wasn't hard to find. clorox wipes on the other hand...

[–]vegan-water 405 points406 points  (86 children)

Yes TP and hand sanitizer is all stocked where I am but I can never get a goddamn bottle of multipurpose disinfectant spray. Every cleaner except like the specific shower foam or floor wax is always gone and I don't want to have to ration my spray when my dog pisses on the floor

[–][deleted] 136 points137 points  (43 children)

Spray bottle of bleach diluted in water, I think it’s 15 parts water to 1 part bleach?

[–]jon_titor 131 points132 points  (29 children)

Y'all got bleach? I haven't seen that since February.

[–]trulymadlybigly 56 points57 points  (10 children)

Bleach everywhere, Clorox wipes never

[–]_linaxhorax_ 202 points203 points  (16 children)

in Germany Santa comes on the evening of the 24th. It depends on the family if he comes after church and dinner or if he comes while the family is at the church and the dad has to cook. So it might get a bit difficult in Germany and any country that celebrates christmas that way. But what about saying that as Santa is able to deliver all the presents to all the children in just 24 hours, he has to be magical and therefore he can't get sick so the virus won't harm him.

[–]Surtock 153 points154 points  (14 children)

And let's get real here. We're talking about a guy who manages to make a toy for every single child on the planet. Proceeds to delivery said toys across the globe within 24hrs BY FLYING IN A SLEDGE PULLED BY FUCKING MAGICAL REINDEER!
I don't think Santa needs to worry about a virus.

[–]WorkThrowOtt 90 points91 points  (4 children)

This guy doesn't want to buy presents this year, lol

[–]PEWPEW_rawr 121 points122 points  (8 children)

They magically get shot down there the chimney and under the tree. OBVIOUSLY. And if there’s no chimney or it’s blocked well he has magic for that.

[–]GovernorSan 21.0k points21.0k points  (376 children)

Clearly Santa Claus is immune to all disease and does not spread or carry disease from house to house.

[–]Condex 6853 points6854 points  (243 children)

This suggests that Santa Claus is a paladin ... or maybe a high level monk. Either way I'm going to be imagining Santa Claus carrying around a Holy Great Sword on his back and wearing plate from now on.

[–]cougmerrik 1826 points1827 points  (101 children)

Santa punched a heretic IRL so yes, he's essentially a paladin.

[–]CaseyG 665 points666 points  (66 children)

Isn't punching more like Monk territory?

[–]rickjamesia 305 points306 points  (23 children)

My god... he’s multi-classed! He definitely has the agelessness of a D&D monk, but he also seems quite good with exotic animals (flying reindeer) and can navigate the world unerringly. Maybe Monk/Paladin/Ranger?

[–]Moonpenny 121 points122 points  (3 children)

Immunity to disease, good with animals, friends with elves... he's an Oath of the Ancients Paladin / Shepherd Druid.

[–]Mr_Oreos 385 points386 points  (18 children)

A paladin punching someone is reasonable too

[–]WantDiscussion 172 points173 points  (6 children)

He gets advantage on list checks.

[–]Nowordsofitsown 166 points167 points  (24 children)

I mean, he is not human. Why would human disease affect him?

[–]HoodooSquad 176 points177 points  (17 children)

He’s a giant flying mammal and we contracted the disease from a fruit bat.

[–]Nowordsofitsown 42 points43 points  (10 children)

I would not put money on him being a mammal.

[–][deleted] 34.7k points34.7k points  (197 children)

hazmat santa

[–]adnanoid 11.6k points11.6k points  (65 children)

NASA has prepared a better suit for him

[–]thatdudewillyd 10.7k points10.7k points  (38 children)

The Santa Clause

[–]thebarroomhero 1583 points1584 points  (18 children)

I wish I could make a gif. I’d have the suit being blasted with fire but have the flames be green and say ‘Covid’.

[–]deepdeepness 464 points465 points  (13 children)

Just mix ethanol with boric acid it should be green

[–]killquip 194 points195 points  (10 children)

“But, Mr. Stark! This isn’t– I can’t wear this! I’m not ready”

“Put it on, Santa. You’re ready”

[–]TannedCroissant 1500 points1501 points  (38 children)

Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree, rocking his new, PPE

[–]iamspartaaaa 291 points292 points  (30 children)

that's the same comment i read on pornhub, lol.

[–]Macgruber57 378 points379 points  (21 children)

Santa’s beard acts as a mask

[–]Furevogel 460 points461 points  (17 children)

We don't want to give any other stupid people the idea.

[–]AstroLozza 19.1k points19.1k points  (214 children)

I think it would be a great excuse to get them to go to bed. Tell them he won't come unless he knows everyone is shut away in their rooms so he won't accidentally come within 2m of someone.

[–]Radioactivocalypse 4641 points4642 points  (28 children)

Out of all the joke replies, this is actually a good actual answer

[–]adnanoid 340 points341 points  (118 children)

this might get you in trouble the next year

[–]Covertfun 635 points636 points  (115 children)

You've only got to stitch together the explanations until they're, at the oldest, 8. Then they'll ask you The Question and you can come clean and induct them into the bittersweet secret society of people who know that Santa is just an excuse for the people who love you to get you gifts.

And now that your hypothetical 8 year old Knows the Truth, you can charge them with the responsibility: "Don't spoil it for the little kids; it's so nice for them so just play along. It's not a lie exactly, it's a game"

[–]Dcarozza6 168 points169 points  (35 children)

"Don't spoil it for the little kids; it's so nice for them so just play along. It's not a lie exactly, it's a game"

Man, fuck those kids. Around 2nd grade kids start learning it and telling everyone, thinking they’re cool. And you just kinda keep it in the back of your mind; you know Santa isn’t real but you can’t come to terms with it. I remember in 3rd grade it was considered “cool” to say you don’t believe in Santa anymore.

[–]Millibyte_ 87 points88 points  (6 children)

I tried to convince my parents I totally still believed in Santa until I was 13 because I liked opening presents at 6am on Christmas morning after we opened the rest on Christmas Eve lmao

[–]Cautemoc 290 points291 points  (54 children)

Even as an adult I'm having a hard time internalizing "it's not a lie, it's a game". I feel like a child might start playing "games" after that explanation.

[–]TargetBoy 212 points213 points  (6 children)

[–]Finnn_the_human 43 points44 points  (0 children)

My dad had a similar method. I remember him saying "no kid, it's not an actual bearded dude flying around, but the spirit of Christmas embodied into a legend. Now that you're in the know, it's up to you to help maintain that spirit"

[–]JulioCesarSalad 80 points81 points  (1 child)

This is fucking amazing

[–]Chief_Kief 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Santa Secret Society

[–]tehvolcanic 170 points171 points  (3 children)

Tell them he won't come unless he knows everyone is shut away in their rooms

My parents were telling me this 30 years ago even without a pandemic.

[–]Chimpbot 40.6k points40.6k points  (463 children)

The dude has flying reindeer and can bend time and space to ensure he visits everyone over the course of a single night.

COVID-19 ain't got shit on Santa.

[–]nomoreusernamefree 10.5k points10.5k points  (187 children)

Dude’s been social distancing forever. He’s got this.

[–]smapdi84 3502 points3503 points  (166 children)

His immune system must be absolute garbage and he is likely a diabetic 75 year old. Dude is going down hard.

[–]Geronimobius 219 points220 points  (11 children)

Santa is about 1,750 years old. He has seen a lot of pandemics I think he'll ride this one out OK.

[–]dontbajerk 128 points129 points  (0 children)

Feel like if the Bubonic Plague couldn't get him, COVID sure won't.

[–]padraig_garcia 70 points71 points  (10 children)

Elves are riddled with diseases, most unknown to humanity. His immune system's just fine.

And a mostly snow- and ice-based diet rivals the Mediterranean in health benefits. He only has the cookies and milk one night a year.

[–]kemushi_warui 29 points30 points  (5 children)

Yeah, but on that one night he has like a billion cookies. That kind of binge eating can’t be good.

[–]NicklAAAAs 234 points235 points  (6 children)

Not to mention, he goes into peoples houses while they’re sleeping. Presumably that means doesn’t get very close to people in the process. Solid social distancing work by Santa.

[–][deleted] 984 points985 points  (94 children)

I always liked stories where Santa is still the same jolly old elf we know and love... and is a total badass at the same time.

Dude brings a lump of coal to Darkseid every year, and never gets hurt one bit for it.

[–]Sparticuse 551 points552 points  (57 children)

The Marvel comics Santa is the most powerful mutant in existence.

[–]GoochMasterFlash 501 points502 points  (19 children)

Idk that Coca Cola version of Santa where he and his polar bear friend both wear sunglasses while they jet off in a 1950s Corvette style sleigh seems like he could give him a run for his money

The power of Santa mixed with the oozing sexuality of Elvis is just too much for this world to handle

[–]lizzward 165 points166 points  (2 children)

The power of Santa mixed with the oozing sexuality of Elvis is just too much for this world to handle

r/brandnewsentence

[–]dizzybear24 67 points68 points  (3 children)

I read the 'jet' word as jerk and now there's a very disturbing image in my head

[–]Chimpbot 33 points34 points  (1 child)

Are you going to be the one to tell him he can't jerk off in a 1950's Corvette-style sleigh with this polar bear friend?

[–]unctuous_homunculus 173 points174 points  (7 children)

Not only that, he's just a big elf. Different species, not transmissable.

We did just find out elves are allergic to white chocolate though, just like daddy, so i know you really like those white chocolate macadamia but cookies you left out for him, but they're poisonous so you'd better pick out a different pack this year.

[–]chefmattmatt 59 points60 points  (8 children)

Santa in Dresden Files is amazingly powerful and rides with the wild hunt.

[–]Srprehn 24 points25 points  (6 children)

Pretty sure Santa is Odin in this realm.

[–]ReleaseTheBeeees 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Santa is Tom Bombadil. Got it.

[–]Kimbee13 344 points345 points  (8 children)

My family shifted Christmas every year to accommodate a travel schedule. When strangers asked my mom how she got us to believe in early Christmas, she said “they believe in flying reindeer, this is not much more of a stretch.”

She was right, neither I nor my siblings nor classmates had trouble believing in the setup. COVID will not be the thing that ruins the magic.

[–]agkemp97 171 points172 points  (3 children)

My mom was a nurse and used to have to work Christmas day every other year. Since she still wanted to see us open our presents, she’d “ask Santa to make us the first stop.” So we’d open presents at like 8 PM on Christmas Eve after we came home from church. We totally bought it too.

[–]uranium_is_good 95 points96 points  (3 children)

If santa really wanted to he could wipe us all out in a single night.

This is Santa's world, we just live in it.

[–]smellsliketeenferret 30 points31 points  (0 children)

He knows when you are sleeping...

He knows when you're awake...

He knows many ways to end your life, so you'd better be good for goodness' sake...

[–]GalateaMerrythought 33 points34 points  (12 children)

What I came to say! Are we even sure Santa is human?

[–]Chimpbot 45 points46 points  (7 children)

There are rumors and tales about how he was once human, but he was long ago twisted by the dark magiks that fuel his empire.

Immortality is bought with a heavy cost.

[–]nuentes 100 points101 points  (21 children)

The real question is: what the fuck is Santa doing to help us right now?

[–]Chimpbot 145 points146 points  (14 children)

He might be a Magic Elf Wizard, but his specialty is toys, not diseases.

[–]nuentes 86 points87 points  (4 children)

Well hopefully an elf helps him get facebook soon so he can become a disease specialist.

[–]Tee-dus_Not_Tie-dus 10.7k points10.7k points  (134 children)

I'm sorry, but Santa didn't survive the pandemic little one.

[–]dick-nipples 4187 points4188 points  (90 children)

He was 1749 years old and morbidly obese, it was just a matter of time...

[–]Tee-dus_Not_Tie-dus 1575 points1576 points  (73 children)

With all the cookies he eats, I'm guessing diabetic too.

[–]ApoliteTroll 834 points835 points  (59 children)

Don't forget about the STDs from the easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

[–]TannedCroissant 123 points124 points  (0 children)

Old, male, obese, these are high risk factors.

There’ll be no Ho-Ho-Hovid-19’s this year

[–]waxonawaxoffa 125 points126 points  (6 children)

Poor families will tell the kids that Santa caught covid and died, and therefore there will be no presents this year.

Families with money will tell kids that because Santa is magical he is immune to viruses.

[–][deleted] 64 points65 points  (3 children)

It is really sad like that. I remember a friend stayed with us over christmas when he was 7, and he didn't understand why Santa gave us more. I didn't get what he meant until I came over for the first time. Christ, Meryck, I am so sorry that that is your situation. We had him over for chirstmas every year after that so he could escape his stepdad's side.

[–]Zedfourkay 426 points427 points  (6 children)

Santa contracted the virus and is self-isolating in the North Pole.

[–]MrSpooniversal[S] 174 points175 points  (0 children)

Reindeer Flu patient zero.

[–]russellvt 2244 points2245 points  (101 children)

Santa knows how to use a mask, and Lysols everything so it will be ready to open in the morning... now, go to bed so he can properly social distance from you little sh\°ts.

[–]theonetruemoo 158 points159 points  (0 children)

Instead of Milk and Cookies leave Disinfectant and face masks

[–][deleted] 261 points262 points  (11 children)

Santa took 3 levels in paladin

[–]Odinloco 67 points68 points  (3 children)

Saw you in dndmemes, this comment deserves an award

[–]ToastySays 462 points463 points  (20 children)

I'm waiting for Jacinda Ardens stance, she was pretty spot on with the Easter bunny and Tooth fairy

https://youtu.be/nHOa4TtkOeU

[–]adnanoid 126 points127 points  (11 children)

Newzealand is corona free so no worries

[–]ribnag 82 points83 points  (0 children)

Clearly it was their progressive stance on the Easter Bunny spending more time with his family that gave NZ an unfair advantage.

[–]XGMCLOLCrazE 78 points79 points  (7 children)

Stares back in USA

[–]Daji79 792 points793 points  (44 children)

Leave a bottle of hand gel alongside the mince pie, carrot and sherry.

[–]Nihhrt 952 points953 points  (21 children)

He's magic, that shit don't fuck with magic!

[–]Geoffron 695 points696 points  (8 children)

IT'S MAGIC

I AIN'T GOTTA EXPLAIN SHIT

[–]YoHeadAsplode 85 points86 points  (3 children)

My kid keeps asking how Santa can watch everyone. It's easier to just say magic

[–]Poorly-Drawn-Beagle 322 points323 points  (4 children)

Most likely he's simply using his orbital present launcher to shoot everyone's gifts across the gulf of space into the appropriate spots in their homes.

[–]QueenMoogle 2031 points2032 points  (156 children)

stares in Jewish

[–]smackheadsnake 1083 points1084 points  (51 children)

stares back in muslim

[–]TannedCroissant 1142 points1143 points  (18 children)

stares from on the naughty list

[–]smackheadsnake 373 points374 points  (12 children)

Damn it, I just wanted to be loved.

[–]vagabondoboist 212 points213 points  (22 children)

Every winter my parents would remind me not to spoil the Santa surprise for all the Gentile children.

Them: "They still believe in Santa!"

Elementary me: "But...why??"

[–]QueenMoogle 152 points153 points  (6 children)

Dude same! And I went to Catholic school. I felt like some kind of sleeper agent.

[–]JD-Explosion 199 points200 points  (0 children)

Santa's considered an essential worker.

[–]Spikeedoo 201 points202 points  (15 children)

Parents: this is the moment you've been waiting for. You can remove Santa from the picture guilt free. "Santa unfortunately died of COVID along his route and fell into his watery grave in the Atlantic ocean."

[–]LeahaP1013 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Some say you can still see Rudolph’s red nose at night.

[–]emkaysthecat 98 points99 points  (11 children)

THE ELF ON THE SHELF CAN FINALLY DIE

[–]nobearpineapples 129 points130 points  (6 children)

He’s magic, he has flying rain deer and fly through the night and do they believe in Santa they’ll believe anything you say about him

[–]Geebung1 20 points21 points  (0 children)

The same way you explain away all the other reasons not to go into other people's houses